When Mental Illness Hits the Family: Things to Remember

After mental illness strikes a family, can a family get happiness back? Can they bond again? These are worrisome concerns because, after all, having a loved one with a serious mental illness like schizophrenia or bipolar disorder can put a lot of stress on family members and change family dynamics.

My Mental Illness in the Family Experience

I woke up to a miracle this morning: Ben and his friend, Josh (who is staying with us for awhile), had actually emptied the dishwasher. Without being told.

Wow.

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If you've ever parented a teenager (even one as old as 30), you know what I mean. This act represented responsibility, courtesy and looking out for the needs of the group (family, in this case).

All of these qualities are things I'd once thought were lost to us forever. They often get hidden behind mental illness symptoms and become the qualities that the illness takes away. (aka negative symptoms of Schizophrenia).

Oh, it has been a long road - and, sometimes, still is. But any sign of progress, of normalcy, is a small miracle and fuels my hope.

After Mental Illness Hits, Will We Ever Have Fun Again?

There was a time, believe me, when I doubted I would ever even like my son again, though of course I loved him. (though I certainly hated his illness, and still do).

One of the things I missed most was: Fun.

I missed hearing his laughter, simple conversation, just simply enjoying an activity as a family. The effects of Schizophrenia are hard on the person and the person's family. Schizophrenia steals - and we had to be content with so much less - like just being grateful that Ben was taking his medications. But where was the son whose company I had so enjoyed BTI (Before The Illness)?

I remember the first time we actually had some fun again. It was a Drum Circle, the first activity we'd done in ages other than going to the psychiatrist. It takes up a whole chapter in my book, Ben Behind His Voices, because the moment was so important.

The drums take over, the rhythms themselves overcoming our self-consciousness. Ben is good at this; it shows in the way he holds himself. His gaze is direct, his hands and brain move quickly. He teases me when he can imitate a rhythm more quickly than I can. I’m actually comfortable enough to compete with him. For once, I don’t have to tread lightly around my son. He makes fun of me with a gently teasing smile, and then he helps me get the beats right.

Then it’s time for a break; Ben retreats back into himself, just enough for me to see what an effort it was for him to concentrate so hard. He goes outside for a cigarette and some solitude, then comes back inside, renewed. He shares in the milk, cookies, and conversation.

Tonight, Ben is not fragile. Tonight, he is the way I always imagined a son of 22 to be: proud of himself. Grown past needing Mom to take care of him. Taking care of Mom, just a little bit.

It was a start.

Mental Illness and the Family Dynamic

Things to Keep in Mind

• Patience, patience, patience. The dynamic comes back in tiny, careful steps - and sometimes with long stagnant periods.
• Take care of yourself. Sometimes it's all you can do.
• Without treatment (which usually means medication too), getting to a "new normal" will be much harder, to say the least. (Ben takes his meds currently, not because he thinks he needs them, but because it seems easier to get along with us)
• Find whatever positives you can.Your ill relative is still part of the family, however that is redefined - and needs to feel that
• Include him in all family celebrations if possible
• Find Ways to have fun together - a movie, a meal, a game of catch...
• Let her (or, ask her) help with chores and other family tasks. Appreciate.
• Remember that he may not be able to express love the same way as he used to, but that he can still love. Keep expectations at a realistic level.
• Keep your sense of humor as much as you can
• Be alert for relapse signs, and act as quickly as possible
• When things are stable, take the time to appreciate those moments
• Do normal activities, but set and keep limits as to acceptable behavior and be prepared to enforce them
• Remember that your relative may be stressed by excess noise and chaos
• Family love matters. It matters a lot

Hang in there. Keep reading, learning and reaching out for support. I applaud you.