Blogs
Building self-esteem can require us to stretch beyond our limits, and sometimes our efforts may not bring us the results we hope for. When our self-esteem is poor, it's hard to keep ourselves motivated and positive. How do we continue to move forward after failing?
My name is Kate Beveridge, and I am a new blogger for the "More than Borderline" blog. I’m excited to share my personal story of living with borderline personality disorder (BPD) and tips for how to cope with the illness.
One of the most fascinating parts of dissociative identity disorder (DID) to people who don’t live with it on a daily basis is the concept of alters. Under the internal family system (IFS) theory, we all have parts of our personality that make us tick. While we may have one part that wants to eat a slice of cake, we might have another part that tells us to skip the empty calories. This isn’t so far from what people with DID experience.
Eating disorders are a deadly, but also, treatable mental illness. Still, in my early struggle to recover, there were many common eating disorder treatments that didn't work for me. Understand, I am not saying that they don't work for everyone. On the contrary, they work for countless people who suffer. This said, there is no one road to recovery...
For the last year or so, I have been doing a lot of work to process my childhood trauma. I've been in therapy, I've been taking medication, I've been doing outside reading, my therapist and I even found a way to work one of my favorite TV shows into my trauma work. In general, I think it's going really well, except for one problem: I don't know how to avoid causing my son the same trauma that happened to me.
If you’ve never self-harmed, you probably can’t understand why anyone would do such a thing. The notion of inflicting physical pain on oneself can seem illogical and terrifying. However, self-harm can often travel with dissociation symptoms. This means the person who self-injures might feel physically numb or have no recollection of the event.
I don't talk about my anxiety a lot. Part of that, I think, is because of how mental health stigma has shaped anxiety disorder as worries or thoughts that people can't seem to get past. It's difficult to explain to those people the depth of anxiety's impact, and sometimes even for those who do have a better concept and understanding of it, it can be tough to relay exactly how it feels.
Do you wake up sometimes and know it's going to be a bad day from the outset? I do. Sometimes before I put my feet on the floor, I know it's going to be a bad day. Now, I think, for the average non-sick person, this sounds like a self-fulfilling prophecy. In other words, if you think it's going to be a bad day, then it certainly will be. This is not the reality for a person with a chronic illness, though. Sometimes we know it's going to be a bad day. If you have this feeling sometimes, here's how to handle it.
Recently, I realized the importance of both fighting and surrendering to mental illness. I was hospitalized for a horrific bipolar mixed episode I suffered through for several months. I hadn't been this sick with mental illness since my four-year-long battle with postpartum depression and have never experienced anything like it. Now that I'm out of the hospital and slowly stabilizing, I'm becoming startlingly aware of a paradox in getting through mental illness -- healing isn't possible without both fighting and surrendering.
Lately, I have experienced a few uncomfortable conversations with some of my nonaddicted friends questioning the strength and tenacity of recovering addicts. I imagine the concepts and struggles of behavioral and substance addictions seem quite confusing to those who have never fought these horrific demons firsthand. I grew up in a home with addiction, so prior to experiencing this for myself, I also had a lot of questions and confusion around the topic of addiction. However, now I can truthfully say with confidence that recovering addicts are likely some of the strongest and most capable people you will ever meet in your life.
Thank you for sharing this story. I think your way of choosing to explain your self-harm is beautiful and gentle, and I am glad that you have found a way to share this truth with your brother and with other younger folk without overwhelming or frightening them. I hope others can take some inspiration and hope from your post!
Take care,
Kim
I'm sorry to hear things have been so difficult. Self-harm, regardless of your reasons for it or the circumstances surrounding it, is always a challenge to cope with, both for the person who is harming themselves and for those who know about it. And I can't imagine it was easy to share your story, either--but I'm glad you're still here to do so. I want to share a few things with you in return.
First, know that self-harm comes in many forms. Many people do self-harm for attention, but whether you do or not does not qualify or disqualify you as a person who self-harms. Likewise, wearing short sleeves does not make hurting yourself more or less severe of a problem. Depression can often be a cause or trigger for self-harm, but not everyone who self-harms is depressed. If you hurt yourself, and especially if you hurt yourself repeatedly, then that is self-harm. This may be difficult for others to understand, especially people who do not hurt themselves, but I think it is important for you to understand.
That leads me to my second point. I am not a trained clinician, nor am I a mind-reader, so I can't pretend to know the reasons behind your mother's and brother's responses to your struggle. However, I do want to put it out there that people cope with difficulty in different ways. It may be challenging for them to accept that you self-harm, and this difficulty may cause them to react in ways that may be confusing and/or hurtful. These reactions, however, don't necessarily mean that they don't care. Often, it means the opposite.
Finally, while this may not be what you want to hear, I do strongly encourage you to find someone neutral to talk to about this issue. Self-harm can be difficult in and of itself, but you also seem to be struggling with negative self-talk as well as strained relationships with your family. Talking to someone like a counselor or therapist will not only give you someone you can vent to without fear of judgment or harsh responses, but also the opportunity to explore your real reasons for self-harming--whatever they may be. A trained clinician can also help you find other, healthier alternatives for coping with these reasons--and with how others may react to your self-harm or your recovery.
If you're not sure how to get in touch with a therapist or someone else who can help, and especially if you're not sure how your family will react to you seeking any kind of counseling, try talking to a counselor at school or work (if one is available to you) or try calling a hotline. There are even some services that allow you to text, email, or instant message if you're not comfortable talking on the phone.
There is absolutely no shame in asking for help. After all, if you have a serious physical illness, you go to a doctor or a hospital, right? Your mental health is just as important.
Here are some resources on our own website you can use as a jumping-off point for understanding more about self-harm and finding help when you're ready:
https://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/self-injury/self-injury-homepage
If you have more questions, thoughts, or concerns you'd like to share here, feel free to do so. I am always happy to help in any way I can.
Sincerely,
Kim
That does not sound silly at all! This is an excellent suggestion; thank you for sharing!
All the best,
Rizza