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I can't stop insulting myself. I'm depressed, and that's one of the things that I do when I'm depressed. The insults I say at myself are unbelievably harsh and things I would never say to anyone else. But even though I know that it's the depression, and even though I know that it's negative and harmful, I just can't stop insulting myself.
I've never considered myself a perfectionist. My handwriting is messy, and my closet is cluttered. I can't cook or draw. I sing off-key, and I can't visualize. As a flawed human being, I accept imperfection. Why, then, does my anxiety spike, and I feel as though I am to blame when things go wrong or when I perceive myself as having disappointed others?
Are you struggling to do things that were previously effortless? From eating breakfast to sending a text message, does everything seem impossible? Before you label yourself lazy or incapable, know this: it's not you; when everything seems impossible, it's depression.
Living with the intensity of borderline personality disorder (BPD) feelings used to make me feel crazy. I could feel so sure someone was going to leave me, only to find out later there was nothing to worry about. For most of my life, I struggled to control my painful and embarrassing emotions. It wasn't until I started accepting my perception as truth that I began to feel more in control.
A couple of years ago, I was in your place: anxious, nervous, and extremely stressed out for my very first therapy session. Countless questions were running through my mind, like, "Will my therapist judge me?", "Will they understand where I'm coming from?", "What will happen in the first session?", and "Will my therapist think my concerns are stupid?" Being anxious about your first therapy session is normal. As someone who grew up surrounded by people who thought that therapy was for "crazy people," I was extremely clueless about therapy and didn't know what to expect.
Do you ever feel like you never do anything right? I do. My baseline is feeling that everything I do is wrong to the point that feeling like I’m doing something right is a rarity. Anxiety keeps running questions in the back of my mind, whether I’m making the right decision, saying the right words, or doing the right thing.
As a victim of verbal abuse, I've slowly realized that I may never be totally free of the aftereffects of verbal abuse. Although I can spend hours, weeks, and years in therapy, there will always be a small part of it that is meshed inside my mind. I can use all the helpful tips and tricks my therapist gives me to handle that nagging voice I hear from my past, but it often doesn't work on my bad days.
In 2022, the potential for overstimulation is real, from phones to smartwatches and everything in between. Even now, as I type away on my laptop, I can't help but ponder the previous eight hours I spent staring at an almost identical screen. I'm not naive. I know that technology--and the no doubt plethora of benefits we reap from it--is an integral part of our daily lives. I'm no technology shunner; I'm simply a mental health enthusiast.
I’ve mentioned before that I wanted to see a dietician/nutritionist. The reason is that I want to lose weight to take pressure off of my arthritic knees. I was supposed to go at the end of May, but the doctor had an emergency, so she couldn’t see clients on the day of my appointment. My husband, Tom, and I went in to see her on June 16. Here’s how it went and how it’s going.
Is self-harm a sin? Whatever you believe in life, if you've asked yourself this question (or one like it) before, know that you're not alone. 

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Comments

Natasha Tracy
Hi Bobby,

I'm not sure what you mean by that.

-- Natasha Tracy
Elizabeth Caudy
Dear Shanique, Thank you for your comment. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I am so glad you know God loves you and that you get peace from Him, and that you are blessed with loving and supportive family and friends. It sounds like you are very strong. Best, Elizabeth
Katie McMurray
I am a boarder line woman who’s splitting destroyed an innocent person… I know I should feel something but all I have is contempt for this person I used to praise and thank came into my life in every way. I’ve never hurt a person like this before I don’t feel anything god what is wrong with me… I know I have a soul but why can’t I feel emotions like normal people do! Why do I make everyone who loves me into my abusive parents and friends… I don’t want to be an evil person who ruins lives and just takes takes takes and if anyone doesn’t go along with it tries to punish, I want to be a person of substance and value not a leach… the problem is we just don’t feel emotions correctly and confuse things with past triggers because of our trauma. Most of us avoid it all costs, I myself have been in therapy and make mental health problems my whole life and talk about them with strangers to cover how low functioning I am and never have to face my real trauma which was sexual in nature from a close family member, I never face it or let anyone in really we live in fear of little things our friends or people might find out and not like us… it’s a sad way to live I had a severe eating disorder andr stuff led for years before I met my ex, he gave me confidants strength and so many laughs and made me feel safe, I left him with a note and never looked at him again ever after living together through scary times and only having each other for so long… I used his past to say I felt threatened and when he wouldn’t stop whining I threatened him with a restraining order … he never responded but a month later saved pictures to shared album so I got one anyway… just to never have to hear it… we really don’t care how we hurt or use people.. I know I don’t speak to all boarder line people but around half of us are also diagnosed NPD and the majority of us will never be diagnosed or refuse the one we get and just find counsel from people who tell us what we want to hear to feel ok for living a life of lies and emotional abuse… it’s all we know.. like I said it’s not a great way to live so don’t pity us or waste effort hating us, we create our own hell and live it everyday
Shanique
I also have schizoaffective disorder. I am a Christian and pray as well. It helps me alot knowing that God loves me and give me peace. When I am struggling, sometimes it's difficult for me to pray but when I do it reduces my symptoms. I do not attend church often because it triggers the auditory hallucinations, which are Reglious voices, so I choose to worship at home. I also on medications but I do not go to counseling because it not affordable. I work a full-time job and I am a single parent. I have a loving family and supportive friends. I have two friends that has mental illness, one that has schizophrenia.