Frustration...

Sometimes all I want to do is retreat into my space and do whatever I need to do...sometimes that may be from self-injury, other times more positive outlets such as writing or blogging, or even talking with friends. Tonight I lied straight up to my friend. It's been much sooner than May that things have happened. You're giving me credit for things that are no where near accurate. I haven't been clean that long. but in truth 10 hours. One hour at a time is what I keep telling myself. But have I made it to the place where I want to quit, where I'm ready to deal with all my crap. I've been standing at this pivotal point for a few weeks now, knowing that these changes were coming and trying to prepare for them. It's my time to stand and jump...to jump into this world I see below that is much better than the bondage, shame and fear I live in up here. Why can't I just JUMP already... (Please don't interpret this as me wanting to kill myself) What happens after I fall? Who's going to be there to pick me back up or to even catch me? I think most of the fear of jumping is in not knowing if someone is really going to be there to help you back up after you fall. Growing up I didn't receive much help after I fell. It was always-see what you did? That's why you don't do it again." When I have this kind of encouragement (the positive kind) I am at a complete loss as to what to do or how to even respond.