What Happened?

When I was about 6 or 7 years old I developed Social Phobia. I couldn't talk to anyone, I couldn't be around people. These feelings grew into thoughts of everybody judging me and I started hearing whispers about how much was wrong with me. I was teased in school which started the first feeling that I wasn't wanted. The next thing I knew I was hating myself, thinking I was worthless, pushing myself farther and farther away from everybody else. Thoughts popped up first quietly then became loud and fierce, talking about and planning how I could get out. Shakespeare inspired me and I made Juliet my role model and followed her footsteps. The knife in my hand barely touched my chest before I began to struggle. I felt like I was fighting myself; My arm was shaking while I continued plunging but something else was pulling my arm away. I had thought about doing this for the longest time, there was no part of me that wanted to continue living, not a single thought of not going through with it, I was sure. God, however, had other plans. He says we won't be giving more than we can handle; I know now that's why He saved me because my mother couldn't bare it and that day He would of lost two of His children. I grew up asking Him why everyday, why did He save me to live in this hell. Teenage years came and so did the acne,If I didn't hate everything about me before, I sure did now. I couldn't form any knew relationships and pushed everyone with awful words. Those people I already knew I put on an act for. I smiled a rehearsed smile and pretended like life was perfect when outside my bedroom walls. I didn't want anybody to know, I was ashamed, and I couldn't let them judge me. Every time I had trouble talking to someone, stuttered in front of class, or couldn't get the words in my head to just come out, I wouldn't feel worse and worse about myself. Now I blamed myself because I saw me as weak. I kept telling myself to get over it and stop being a baby. In my head it was all so simple. The fact that I couldn't just get over it made it worse because I thought I was the biggest baby, I had nothing that bad in my life. I tried to run away. My thought was "If I move away, I could leave all those feelings here." So that's just what I did, but I brought them with me. Shaking these feelings wasn't that easy. Then, I decided to ignore them, but that led to a stand still. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror, I made me sick, and whatever that was in the mirror killed me every time I looked it in the eyes. My last attempt to run away from the problem, I went to Journey (an event with the church to bring you closer to God). Journey was cut off from the world and with people I thought wouldn't judge me. They didn't judge me, they were very accepting and that relieved my soul. This girl there, she talked about her problems as if they were just stories from her past. It was amazing how she handled everything and never even flinched when faced with anything. A preacher gave a speech, telling a story close to mine and I cried. I felt hope for the first time in forever. They were my first step, knowing there was a way to the other side. When I left I forgot to take it with me, I went back to the old feelings. Then, I decided I wouldn't let myself so I wrote an essay and gave it to my teacher. It was a class assignment but I still felt someone yelling at me to do it so I fought the urge to write some stupid made up story that sounded real and wrote my story. Second step, telling somebody. After that I felt better; no more monster in the mirror, no more judging myself with such scrutiny I was falling apart. I felt better. I still struggle, I still feel like I don't deserve to be here, and sometimes it's too strong to fight. Sometimes there's no point of leaving my bed and I force myself up and wash my face. I think about those people I met during Journey and I feel I've let them, myself, and God down. The last step, to tell my best friend and my family, but I can't bring myself to do it. I worked really hard to convince them I was fine, how can I just tell them I never was? I'm afraid they'll judge me think I'm weak as I do. I wan't to but I don't think I can tell them. I'm the one who listens, I've never felt like anybody wanted to listen to me. I though I could fix it all by myself but I'm not that strong. I can't deal with it alone.