On a Bipolar Boat with No Paddle

May 3, 2010 Cristina Fender

I’ve been meditating three times a day for the last two weeks and I still can’t find inner peace. It’s my own fault really. I bit off more than I can chew. My cousin asked me to take care of her little boy and I foolishly agreed. I thought it would be as easy as taking care of my girls. But I forgot that’s not so easy some days. I thought that with my bipolar disorder under control that I would be able to control any stress that came my way.

boatOh, well, you live and you learn.

It was just too hard dealing with another little one. My child and her child didn’t get along. There was a competition thing going between the two. And try as I might, there was nothing that worked. Naughty time out and taking away of privileges just didn’t work. So, I had to give up. And, damn, how I hate to give up!

It sinks my self esteem into an all time low.

I wanted so much to be able to do this for my cousin, but I just couldn’t. I wasn’t able to cope with the situation. What am I going to do when I have to take a lot of hours at school? Will I throw my hands up then too?

I stopped seeing my therapist that was supposed to be helping me with my stress issues. She didn’t really help. I needed talk therapy and instead of me talking, she wanted to talk. I have another therapy date scheduled with a different therapist. Hopefully she’ll point me in the right direction and I’ll be able to resolve my stress issues.

I tried meditating, but it just stopped working for me.

My mind won’t stop talking. I can’t focus. I just feel all over the place right now. Maybe it’s because it’s spring and my mania wants to pop out. I’m having sleeping issues, too. The sleep specialist gave up on me unless I took an antidepressant. I tried to explain that my mania is prevalent this time of year, but she had no other ideas that would help me.

Sometimes I feel like I’m on the path to nowhere. Too many issues need to be resolved. Then I remember to be positive and I think that something will open up for me. I just need to have faith that everything will work out. Faith. It’s what’s for dinner.

APA Reference
Fender, C. (2010, May 3). On a Bipolar Boat with No Paddle, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, June 18 from

Author: Cristina Fender

Richard J.
June, 16 2010 at 7:55 am

Don't be to hard on yourself either. I get that way once in a while. When I cycle (ride my bike) or run, I use a cadence type of breathing like deep breathing with a drumish back tone to keep concentrating. While running, I just stop sometimes so this breathing works in some ways. So does just listening to my foot steps alone. I continue breathing (important) and the inner dialog tapers off a little. A friend suggested humming. I understand some days it will be just difficult all the way around. Be well. Hang in there.

May, 3 2010 at 7:37 am

A few things and i am by no means a meditation teacher, just a fellow on perhaps the same way ( i have some form of pd, am depressive at times, sometimes for long periods )
What style of meditation do you practice?
There are many styles and not all of them are equal, it may be beneficial to do shamatha, with focus (literal) on an object such as a pebble or piece of blue tack stuck to the wall, this way you can lock your eyes onto the object and keep them there, check if your eyes dart away and refocus them on object) there are numerous guides on the net. In this way can let the mind alone, thoughts be thoughts, the physical aspects are as important if more then the mental activity.
Are you sitting? Do you have a straight spine? It is said by many that this can be most important of all.
Do you have a meditation teacher? Teachers are practically a necessity.
How long are your meditation sessions? Too long can be too much, three times a day sounds like a lot, suddenly doing long periods of meditation can result in a kind of psychic shock, perhaps less maybe 30 minutes a day or two sessions one in morning and at night.
Meditation often brings up issues, sometimes the sign that it is working is that things may appear to get worse, as one becomes aware of underlying issues. In the same way when one is locating a wound by feel to touch the area it can hurt but we have found what we need to address.
hope this helps

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Cristina Fender
May, 4 2010 at 12:40 am

I like mental imagery the best. It sends me into a faraway land and I like that.
Thanks for the tips.

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