There Is Hope--My Scare at the Bus Stop

Last night, I realized the progress I'd made in therapy for my borderline personality disorder--even if I still had to call a crisis line.

I'd left a meeting in downtown Indianapolis, and was waiting at the bus stop. Only another woman was with me. Suddenly, a man walking alongside a bicycle came up to us and asked for money. When we refused, he told us he'd been beaten by the police.

I offered to call for help, but he turned aggressive. He cursed at me, then grabbed my hand and kissed it.

An Assertive Ultimatum

Line crossed.

I was out of "just ignore it". I told him to leave. He refused and began cursing at me. I realized he was drunk, and started walking away. In response, he turned his attention to the other woman, and began holding her hand and touching her--without her consent. Just as he began kissing her, I grabbed my cell phone, dialed 911 and signaled the woman help was on the way.

The police arrived after a few extremely tense minutes and immediately arrested the guy for public intoxication--which may be upgraded to felony assault since he spit on an officer. The woman thanked me and the cops told me I'd done the right thing. I returned home and began replaying the situation.

The Choice: Dissociate or Debrief

The DSM-IV describes one of the criteria for BPD as "transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms". Other borderline personality disorder symptoms include difficulty controlling anger; and this situation was obviously stressful. But as I replayed it, each time coming to the conclusion that I was right to call the police, I realized that therapy was working.

When I was in college, I majored in paranoia. I literally slept with at least one sword by my bed--with another sword, two ninja stars, four throwing blades and several knives in the bedroom. Paranoia would have been an understandable reaction to last night's events. But instead of sleeping with a small armory nearby, I simply locked my door and went to bed--no extra precautions.

Early in my treatment for borderline personality disorder, anyone cursing at me could have caused me to fly into a rage. That also would have been understandable last night, and I'll admit it was tempting to hit him. However, I reminded myself of my pacifist religious beliefs and my promise renouncing violence. I asked myself "Is it worth it? Is it worth punching him, violating your beliefs and risking arrest when there are other options?"

As recently as two years ago, a scare like that would have caused me to dissociate, which would have resulted in self-injury at the very least and probably a stay in the psychiatric emergency room. That didn't happen last night. I left a message for my therapist to call me in the morning, then spoke briefly to a crisis line counselor. Although I had nightmares once I fell asleep, I spent the night in my apartment unharmed--not with bandages in the hospital.

For People with Borderline Personality Disorder: Don't Give Up On Yourself

Mental health professionals once told my mother: "She'll drift in and out of hospitals until they get tired of treating her." I was a "hopeless" case. Maybe they've said the same about you.

Prove them wrong. Therapy may feel like running a marathon in high heels and a mini-skirt, but it will help. You may not realize it, but you are healing and growing. There is hope to get better.

But don't rely on a drunk guy at an Indianapolis bus stop to show you that.