Borderline in Crisis: Part 2

Four weeks ago, I started telling the story of a borderline crisis I have been going through ("BPD and Crisis: Part 1"). I promised I'd continue the story, but things keep evolving, and it's challenging to reflect without the benefit of hindsight. However, I will share my initial reactions to learning that my Danish residence permit was unexpectedly under threat.

Borderline Crisis: The Initial Blow

Usually, when something like a residence issue arises, immediate action is required. Even if nothing can be done practically, researching solutions is always an option.

What did I do? I did absolutely nothing.

Initially, the only intelligible feeling I could account for was exhaustion. I felt indescribably tired all the time. I went from sleeping six to seven hours to 12 hours a night. One weekend I slept 19 hours in one go. I wasn't sleeping out of depression or a lack of desire to be awake; I slept so long because I was entirely out of energy. I feel tired just thinking about it.

After the shock-induced fatigue, I fumed with intense rage. For the next few weeks, I felt trapped in a consistent state of anger. Anger is also pretty tiring, so my 12 hours of sleep each night didn't stop there. Finally, I found some relief from my unrelenting emotional intensity via distraction. I found that the intense rage would fade if I could focus on learning something new and challenging. As long as I was focused, I didn't notice the pain of rage. So, I began learning about cyber security, coding, and ethical hacking — a completely new field of knowledge and a very hands-on one.

I tried to go to work, but the moment I was disengaged from learning, I immediately became re-enraged. To alleviate this, I requested a month off of work. I studied the ins and outs of computer science from the moment I woke up to the moment I fell asleep. I barely ate, drank, or used the bathroom.

I did not look at my mental health notes. I did not even attempt to use my coping skills. Since starting my antidepressants, I haven't felt so desperate for relief from the intensity of my emotions. It reminded me of what it was like before starting my road to recovery.

Learning from My Borderline Crisis

Unfortunately, my residence continues to be under threat, and I am still trying to get some stability back so I can adequately deal with my situation. Every situation has something to teach us about ourselves. As hard as it is to find meaning amid chaos, if I try, I can come up with a few things I have learned from this experience so far;

1. The stability of my environment is important to me.
2. I don't shy away from anger anymore.
3. I feel entitled to a feeling of stability and safety.
4. Feeling entitled to happiness means that my self-esteem has dramatically improved.

I look forward to seeing this situation in hindsight and with more clarity. I wonder what kind of lessons life has for me. 

What got you through some of your more difficult life challenges? Let me know in the comments.