advertisement

Sick Girls Everywhere Eagerly Anticipate Mentally Ill Barbie

September 24, 2013 Alistair McHarg

(Ed. Note: This is a humor column. We want to make it clear this is a satirical article about Mattel introducing a new version of Barbie (with a mental illness). This is only a parody. It is just a joke and is in no way to be construed as a factual article or an accurate representation or portrayal of Barbie, the doll, or beliefs held by the Mattel Corporation, makers of Barbie.)

Since her 1959 debut, Barbie has attracted controversy the way porcine state senators attract illegal campaign contributions. Little girls admire her for what she is, but whiners, complainers, gadflies, malcontents, rabble-rousers, muckrakers, agents provocateurs, professional cynics, babies, wimps, naysayers, Liberals, Thought Policemen, and college professors are more interested in what she is not.

These self-appointed custodians of political correctness, who live to improve the human character against its will right up to the point where it ceases to exist at all, consider Barbie to be the sharp edge of the social engineering ax, mercilessly slicing through the hapless human outliers whose creation, causation, and construction do not coincide with qualities and criteria considered desirable by society.

These TED Talk habitués condemn Barbie with sweeping statements steeped in supercilious sanctimony, Barbie, they say, is not morbidly obese enough; she is too Christian, not gay-enough, ethnic enough, or undocumented enough. To them, Barbie is the hood ornament of an exclusionary, self-satisfied society built upon deeply disturbed values, racism, and questionable fashion choices.

Mattel, makers of Barbie, has been slow to respond to what they refer to, with characteristic insouciance, as, “the cacophonous blather of tweed-clad Prius drivers.” But a storied track record of insensitivity and arrogance will soon be coming to an end as Mattel courts disturbed Americans with “Mentally Ill Barbie”, which it intends to roll out in time for Christmas.

Marketing of Mentally Ill Barbie shows, yet again, why Mattel continues to be an industry juggernaut. You and I have been taught that judging mental illness by physical appearance is highly inappropriate, inaccurate, and mean-spirited. But Mattel, determined to honor the complete palette of emotional and psychological maladies without the added expense inherent in producing multiple molds landed on a brilliant solution as plain as the nose-ring on your face; madness in fashion!

That’s right! With Mentally Ill Barbie madness is always in fashion and can be easily modified simply by changing outfit and setting! How does it work? – you ask – in that cooperative way of yours. It’s easy; let’s meet a few right now.

Narcissistic Barbie – Executives at Mattel have explained that every Barbie made from 1959 on is Narcissistic Barbie.

Anorexic Barbie - Executives at Mattel have explained that every Barbie made from 1959 on is also Anorexic Barbie.

Compulsive Shopper Barbie - Executives at Mattel have explained that every Barbie made from 1959 on is also Compulsive Shopper Barbie.

Bipolar Barbie – Alternate between tying her to the blade of a ceiling fan and stuffing her under the cushions of a couch and, voila!

Munchausen By Proxy Barbie – Even though Munchausen by Proxy Barbie is very similar to Narcissistic Barbie, she is sold separately.

And that’s just the beginning! This Christmas season, keep an eye out for:

Alcoholic Barbie
Compulsive Gambler Barbie
Tourette’s Syndrome Barbie
Triskaidekaphobia Barbie
Sex Addict Barbie

And so, gentle reader, the walls of stigma gradually erode as even Barbie admits, “Madness is always in fashion.”

APA Reference
McHarg, A. (2013, September 24). Sick Girls Everywhere Eagerly Anticipate Mentally Ill Barbie, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2022, September 25 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/funnyinthehead/2013/09/sick-girls-everywhere-eagerly-anticipate-mentally-ill-barbie



Author: Alistair McHarg

emily
September, 29 2013 at 2:52 pm

When I was growing up, I had a Ken doll who was so stiff that I could not move his arms or legs or even turn his head. So I decided he was paralyzed. Yes, I had a Ken doll with quadriplegia. Maybe that is why I grew up the way I did (and eventually landed a job in healthcare).

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Alistair McHarg
September, 30 2013 at 1:53 am

Hi Emily: Thank for writing! Funny how our character is revealed, even in childhood. ; - ) Cheers, A

cindyaka
September, 25 2013 at 3:18 am

Hi Alistair :) Mentally ill Barbie, I love it! How about Barbie's friends... Midge could perhaps be a mental illness counselor, Francie could be her best mentally ill bud. Ken could be her compulsive kleptomaniac fiance. The possibilities are endless for the franchise. So now I raise a cup of cheer (coffee) to Barbie and friends...may they continue to be icons for the mentally ill, and claustrophobic in their Barbie doll carry cases. Have a great week!

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Alistair McHarg
September, 25 2013 at 4:44 am

hi aka! i agree, the potential is almost limitless - i see a YT video in the future with a play starring Mentally Ill Barbie and friends! have a great week!

Leave a reply