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Marriage and Mental Illness: For Better or Worse?

March 17, 2012 Randye Kaye

What happens when mental illness changes your spouse? Having a husband or wife with mental illness changes the marriage and bring challenges.

For Better of Worse? Yes, that's the vow. But when the symptoms of mental illness seem to change the personality - the very soul - of your husband or wife, how do you keep going? How do you hold the family together?

When faced with mental illness, family members have two sets of challenges. They seem to be

  1. the emotions we all face (like grief, confusion, guilt, loss, anger) and,
  2. the more practical issues in the role of any family caregiver - a role we all have to play at least some of the time in this situation.

My most personal experience, as a family member of someone diagnosed with mental illness, is as a Mom. In fact, I'd venture to say that a majority of the people who take NAMI's Family-to-Family course are parents. A typical class of 20-25 usually includes a handful of siblings, spouses, and/or children (that is, adults who grew up and may be caring for a parent with mental illness) - but the biggest group always seems to consist of parents.

Many of the issues, emotions, and challenges we face as family members certainly are universal to all of these roles - however, there are also additional feelings and obstacles that are unique to each "relative group."

Yes, I am a mother - but I also watched my daughter suffer through the loss of the "big brother" she knew, and adjust to her new role with a "little brother", whose growth and accomplishments now trail behind. I also was married to an alcoholic for seven years (Ben and Ali's father, William) and though I now struggle to determine if he'd had a co-occurring mental illness, I know that I did live with some of the uncertainties that spouses face when mental illness changes the partner they thought they'd married.

Challenges Facing Spouses with Mentally Ill Partners

Here are 5 things I learned from spouses of those with mental illness about their particular objective challenges, in addition to the ones we seem to all have in common (financial worries, staying alert to relapse symptoms, coping with family conflict etc.):

Spouses also face:

  1. Feeling like you've lost the partnership of marriage. If you always turned to your spouse in times of need, where can you turn now? (I know, in our house, my friends' sympathy for my Williams' alcoholic episodes wore thin very fast)
  2. Financial burdens. Coping with the loss of a wage-worker in the household, if mental illness has led to job loss. (I began to lose count of the number of jobs William lost, or the number of customer complaints when he started his own business, due to unreliability)
  3. Resentment - and sexual distance - that can accompany the change in roles when one spouse takes on the "caretaker" role.
  4. Single-parenting coupled with being the primary caretaker of your spouse. (One Mom I met told me about walking down the stairs dressed in her husband's Santa suit to greet their three young kids after he'd been hospitalized on Christmas Eve. That may the tip of the iceberg, but it still broke her heart). Worrying about your children's emotional state as well as your own.
  5. Stigma, social isolation, loss of the "couple friends" group. Invitations dwindle when your spouse's actions are unpredictable and sometimes embarrassing.

What helps spouses? What helps all family members? In my next post, I'll talk about life balance, and some concrete steps like learning all you can, reaching out for support in new places, and self-care.

Are you a spouse of someone with a diagnosed mental illness? Does this ring true for you? What helps you?

APA Reference
Kaye, R. (2012, March 17). Marriage and Mental Illness: For Better or Worse?, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2022, September 28 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/mentalillnessinthefamily/2012/03/marriage-and-mental-illnessfor-better-or-worse



Author: Randye Kaye

Lotus
July, 23 2016 at 1:04 pm

I was diagnosed with PTSD and BPD four years ago, I right away sought help and went to therapy...my husband left me two years after I was diagnosed because he felt I would never recover....I did recover after a year of separation. It was from being left alone without his nagging, ignoring my cries for help, calling the police to force hospilization and telling me I was making it all up. My mother took care of me just by being there and not react to my outbursts. She gave me a sense of security, acceptance and I slowly found strength to heal and got better. Sometimes, a spouse reacting or trying to help makes things worse. I know my ex did because his irritation and ignoring me, emotional shut down makes it worse. After he left, all those expectations on a sick wife just disappears and I had space to myself to figure things out.
When he left I asked him: "when you were ill with depression, I worked, took care of you, you got better. Now I am ill and you leave?" He answered: "when you took care of me I got better, when I took care of you, you didn't get better." I sighed: "is it my fault you're so bad at taking care of me?"
The lesson I learned through taking care of an ill person is to not have any expectations of them but allow them the space to heal and let them know that you accept, love and is there for them. I know my husband recovered from his depression of a year because of that. He didn't work and couldn't contribute much. I had patience, he healed. When it was my turn he couldn't do the same and left. I don't want to be a pain but the vow of in sickness and in health extends to mental illness. We come across partners with it because the universe wanted to teach us something. Leaving...we learn nothing but selfishness. I know how painful it is that I felt so hurt and betrayed by someone I kept my vows with but didn't do it for me in return. Before leaving your ill spouse, ask yourself what is it about that person's conditioning that mirrors yours that you needed to deal with? In this age of disposable goods which we consume and dispose things so easily, relationships unfortunately is another thing we dispose of when it doesn't go well.
To quote from the bible:
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away."
When we project into the future (like my ex did ..thinking I wouldn't recover, but he was wrong) we are being selfish. When we complaint and nag about what we have to endure, we lost patience. When we think too much about what happens, makes ourselves the victim it is no more. It is tough but a lot of patience and love is needed just like rest and medicine is needed for the body to heal. A mental illness spouse needs unconditional love and patience to heal. My ex didn't give me that but my mother did... So I healed.
Being a person on both sides of the picture, taking care of a depressed spouse and suffering mental illness from work related stress and childhood trauma, I can understand what it is like on both sides. Hang in there.....

Donna
July, 11 2016 at 8:38 pm

I was married for 31 years and got sick. I got fibromyagia and got RSD. We got divoced on our own with no lawyers involved. I agreed to give up his pension if he gave me full custody of my daughter. The minute our divorce was final he started to buy my daughter all kinds of stuff and took her out all the time. He talked her into going and living with her brother. He told her I couldnt take care of her. Shortly after that I had a nervous breakdown. Im thinking about going to court to see if I can get half his pension back becuz I wasnt in my right mind when we got divorced. What do u think. He planned on me giving up his pension then talked her into moving out. He was a mean bully, alcholic. What do u think?

Susan
June, 28 2016 at 3:41 am

I'm really glad I arrived here today. I've been married for 6 years to such an amazing man. He is a good husband and Dad...when he's not struggling with mental illness. I feel like I'm constantly going through his "cycle" of depression and anxiety. Each time I hope the outcome will be different. He tries meds, but then stops them. He doesn't like SSRI's but gets upset about being prescribed a mood stabilizer. He started Intensive Outpatient Therapy this week and I'm so proud of him, but I'm also exhausted. I've been carrying our family for the last couple years. He's had no regular employment and I'm worried that in my attempts to "care" for him, I've enabled him to just stay home and not work on improving. He's upset with me and tells me I'm cold to him and it hurts him. I feel bad, but I also wished he'd see that I'm being drained. I work full-time, I basically parent full-time, I do the housework. He helps, but not on a partnership level. And I know this is petty, but when someone else needs something it doesn't seem to matter how bad his anxiety or depression is, he'll go do it. But with me "I just couldn't bring myself to do laundry today." I know this is a lot of venting, but as others mentioned, my friends have told us to get therapy and they don't want to hear about it anymore. I feel like an orange that has all the juice squeezed out of it and then someone cuts it open and complains that it's no good. I don't want to divorce him, his mental illness isn't who he is, it's something he has to learn to deal with though. Please wish us the best in this new therapy. He goes 3 days/week for 2 or 3 weeks. He also saw a new therapist this week and has made another appointment.

Sad
June, 26 2016 at 12:39 pm

I had a very happy marriage, and twenty year relationship. The last three years were hell. He went from nice and normal to insane, I ended up "Nagging" that was because he could not do anything for himself. Eventually after a couple of years he saw a doctor, who put him on anti depressant pills. Things got worse, he got really aggressive, and eventually so much so, he did it in front of our children, totally lost control of himself, went ballistic. This was the final straw and I left, after securing a rental property for myself and our two children. I left four months ago, he has not sought any help, solutions, or cares. He is totally nuts, insane, I am concerned for my children when they are with him. He has no idea what he has done to me. I feel sad that he is broken, and sadder that he does not want to fix things. I now have to start life again on my own, but at least now I am safe and do not have to fear his outbursts. Mental illness was something I knew nothing about, and wouldn't wish it upon anyone.

Gia
June, 22 2016 at 6:26 pm

I've been married for only 5 months. Everything was great in the beginning. Before we were married, we were in a serious relationship for 10 years. We planned to travel a lot and do a lot of activities in our 1st year of marriage since we couldn't when we were dating due to our work schedules/family, etc. At the 6th month of our marriage my husband started suffering from extreme depression and anxiety out of nowhere. It's affected his health, his state of mind, his well-being, our everyday schedule and our traveling plans/plans for the future. How can I help him get thru this? Will he get thru this? I never expected to experience this as a newlywed. I'll be 30 next year which was my cut-off for trying to have a family. I don't want to have kids over 30. This has now delayed those plans as well. He doesn't want to do anything until he "feels better" but doesn't know if/when/how that will happen. I'm starting to resent him. He's seeing multiple therapists. I feel like i'm living in a nightmare. I don't even recognize who he is as a person anymore. What should I do? Should I give up my dreams for our future?

Donna
June, 12 2016 at 5:15 am

I've been married 19 yrs. My husband in many ways is a good kind man. He has always had an explosive temper verbally and mood swings I now suspect ADHD or bipolar disorder. He has had three siblings to commit suicide. The last one two years ago a sibling killed herself in his presence when he was visiting her. His depression and anger increased. He became more hostile and cruel. He cut me off emotionally and financially would not pay any bills or provide even food etc. I began to fear for my safety also he constantly badgered me and told me he was going g to abuse me. Finally I had to get help with his abuse and him removed and obtained a court order. I filed for divorce after realizing he felt nothing was wrong and would not seek help. He's very angry even though I've tried talking with him about getting I've given up after several months. I've bee a stay at home wife and mom. I need fiancil support he seems to be doing better emotionally according to friends I have ceased communication . I want to km
now about bipolar cycling does it come and go. He admits to being depressed and I fear he may harm himself too. I feel somewhat guilty about fili g so quickly after separating but did not want to loose my home etc. He seems determined to loose everything and leave me penniless.

Net
June, 9 2016 at 3:56 pm

Hello everyone, I know what everyone is going thur. I have been with my husband for 10 years. And at first I could not tell he had a mental illness. He got diagnose in 2009. We met in 2005 so it was shortly after . We haven't had a good relationship since . I don't know what to do . Do you stay or leave? It is a lot to deal with .

Janet
May, 30 2016 at 7:39 pm

I'm a kenyanq lady aged 32, my husband recently left me because I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I thought its for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. He left because of my episodes, anger outbursts made him leave. I'm so confused and keep blaming myself for being ill and breaking my marriage.

Suffering
May, 28 2016 at 7:50 am

To everyone who posted on this site I can relate to each comment. Each day to just get up is so difficult, to address disability, mental illness, graduations, friends, loss, life, and to go on is a struggle. St. Paul called it the drudgery of life, maybe it is always living for others = not for myself- for the disabled, for the adopted animals, well that is the basis of the issue for me, it is depressing not to live for ourselves and take time for ourselves.
I don't want to gloss over the issue, but today I realized that no matter what the problem we need to have some balance and good experiences/days to alleviate our suffering. That requires an outlet, someone to give us a break, getting meds, whatever it is we are all worth it. Just know that "you are worth it" whatever it takes I hope and pray we can find the outlet, the balance, the medication, the dr., and time for ourselves to regroup and come back to the drudgery with a renewed faith.
I have lost friends and can't spend the time to tell the others how difficult my life is. I don't want to even write/tell/discuss the issues with them and depress them too. Thank you for listening because it is just a little helpful to know there are other folks out there who have to deal with issues too!

Brad R
May, 23 2016 at 3:11 pm

I am so glad that I found this forum. I most associate with Joe D from New York, I feel much the same as he. Not to mention all the wonderful people that have posted here. My wife suffers from Bipolar and we divorced after 6 years of marriage in 04. She admittingly manipulated the system and got sole placement and custody of our three beautiful children. But after a brief year begged me to move back in as she was a full blown alcoholic and the kids had to save her more than once and they were 8, 7 and 4 at the time. We resumed living together although at first strictly platonic. But to be honest inspite of everything we had been through I never had stopped loving her. So recently we remarried in Las Vegas (we live in WI) on March 21st 2016. I was so excited and filled with hope that we would spend the rest of our lives together. Well, after two short months of marriage the disease has struck again and stated that she wants a divorce and plans on moving out and leaving the four of us behind. And much like Joe, I have no one to talk to. No one that can hear my cries, my kids don't know anything yet, but when they find out they are going to be devastated (Our eldest graduates from HS and my wife as already told me she isn't going to go.) I am beyond stressed out and can feel myself slipping into depression, I've thought recently of killing myself, but if not for my love of my wife and our children and our kids loving me back I'd have done it already. Not really sure where to turn, I only want my family together, happy and eternally devoted to one and another. Thank you all for letting me "vent."

Truthteller Timbo
May, 23 2016 at 2:47 am

Hi ladies,
I'd like to share something with you. Something that's going to be very difficult to understand, but I hope you bear with me - because what I'm about to tell you is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the, yep you guessed it, my opinion.
I have a mental illness. As such I won't marry :( poor me! wa waaahh.. hehe seriously, I won't have relationships. I don't see how any mental person could if they were me, I have been fired from two jobs due to my paranoia, and it's not getting any better anytime soon.
I'm sorry you had to marry the person with a mental illness...(let's just call us what we are, please)...but THAT was YOUR decision. Your only recourse is to warn others to stay away from people with mental illness and marry normals...In my case, the latter will never apply because I don't want to hurt anybody anymore.
Ciao,
Tim

Brenda
May, 11 2016 at 8:08 am

My daughter is trying to cope with living with a mentally ill husband. He is unable to hold a job and states that he can't work so should be entitled to government supported income. I am strongly encouraging her to pursue divorce but it is killing her to do so. My question...when is it time to save yourself and just walk away? When is it time to salvage your life? And how do you let go of that guilt if you do decide to move on?

Danielle
May, 7 2016 at 9:02 am

Nicole, I feel your pain and understand completely. My husband also believes we are video and audio taped and recently removed the wifi and Dvr Verizon boxes from the home believing they were the source. My question is how are we to respond to this? Do you agree with them or do you try to bring reason to the table. I find either I do only causes distrust.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Taylor Arthur
May, 10 2016 at 6:22 pm

Danielle,
I am so sorry to hear what you're going through. I think, if you read through the comments, you will find that there are many others going through similar hardships. I would recommend you seeking a counselor for yourself to help alleviate some of the stress you're experiencing. Also, going to a family group, such as NAMi, Fresh Hope, or DSBA will provide you with a community of people who understand what you're going through and have resources to help you.
Here are the links for those groups:
NAMI: http://www.nami.org/Find-Support/NAMI-Programs/NAMI-Family-Support-Group
Fresh Hope:http://freshhope.us/find-a-group/
DSBA:http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=peer_support_group_locator
I hope this helps, and please remember that you matter. Your needs, your safety, your wellbeing is so very important. Please take care of yourself.
Blessings
Taylor

Danielle
May, 7 2016 at 8:33 am

I have been married to my husband for 18 years. For the past 16 months I have been dealing with his newly diagnosed bipolar, thoughts disorder. It's thought to have been brought on by drug use which had been occurring for 2 years prior. To say it's been difficult is putting it mildly. I think we have been apart more than together. I am the only one in his family willing to help. His parents and sibling no longer desire to assist. My stepson will take him in when he bails from our home but he also struggles to deal with him as well. I have had him made into a 5150 at least four times for fear of his safety. He going to the veterans hospital for mental health but like others I feel he falls through the cracks. He will go a couple of weeks and be ok then all hell breaks loose. Recently he has discovered 5 hour energy drinks and it has just sent him through the roof. He been unemployed and recently got a great job 3 weeks ago I don't foresee it lasting another week. He never is on time and is a no show. He's constantly paranoid and when it gets to this level he won't even trust me yet Iam the only one who looks after him. He spends endless hours doing what he believes are investigations he will go to churches fire stations you name it. Iam constantly worried when he's taken off but can't stand to have him here. My 14 year old son has seen so much and the constant crazy talk of what he believes is gangstalking against him is more than I can take. He believes there are committees that form to drive people crazy or get them in trouble by setting them up following them etc. he has severe issue with numbers and letters and that can consume his day sometimes. Iam so frustrated, depressed, disappointed. I love this man but these past 16 months are more than a sane person can take. Where do you get help for them? Iam constantly left to pick up the mess and left with the financial burdens when he goes through this which is at least every other month. Iam to the point Iam ready to walk from the relationship because it's so difficult. He has issues with the city, water company cable company. Is this what others are going through? I feel like others friends and family no longer want to come around neighbors have quit talking to us. You feel so alone and the friends who will listen can't even begin to understand what you go through on a daily basis let alone offer advice.

Kate
May, 6 2016 at 2:49 am

Hi nicole,
my husband too experience the same thing.its bn 4yrs now.most ppl n family says he is having deep depression.some says its due to black magic ..someone may have sent them to harm him. The problem is mu hsband refuse to get treatment or seek spiritual help. Im so confuse of how to deal.what to do...gosh..im so exhausted ..i prayed for four yrs..nothing change

Nicole
April, 24 2016 at 5:51 am

I stumbled across this when i was seeking information on how to deal with mental illness in a spouce. I have been married for almost 3 years now and I feel like I have no one to turn to for help. Recently my husband revealed to me that he hears voices over the last 2 months it has progressively gotten worse he says he hears voice and they tell him mean things. He keeps me up all night long saying that I am saying thing im not he seears theres camras all over our house and spy camras in our walls and pictures that people are following him that im cheating on him and so on. We have 3 young girls ranging from 8 years old to 11 months old and this has taken a major toll on all of us. Well he left yesterday and took all of picture frames with him. I dont know what to do or where to go. How dose one deal with this is there hope for your marriage I love my husband dearly but this is eating me up alive I feel so alone and dont know who I can talk to or where I can go please help

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Taylor Arthur
April, 27 2016 at 8:02 am

Nicole,
I am so very sorry to hear what you're going through. There may be hope for your marriage, but only if your husband seeks treatment. You and your girls deserve to live in a safe environment. Please take care of yourself.
blessings,
Taylor

Ann
April, 20 2016 at 11:19 pm

I too, am married to a man with anger issues. He is very difficult to talk to so our communication between each other is very limited. Our circle of friends is very small now. And I find when we do have any social interaction he changes into another person. It's quite embarrassing to me and awkward for our friends and family. I have started to get out more but he is rather possessive of my time and he gets agitated if I do too much. It would be great if he would get some help or even admit that he has a problem. I am trying to learn how to talk with him without setting him off. Any suggestions for reading material that might help me?
Thanks
Ann

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Taylor Arthur
April, 27 2016 at 8:05 am

Ann,
Have you read "Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder" by Julie Fast? I highly recommend it.
blessings,
Taylor

Steve
April, 17 2016 at 9:18 am

My partner has mental health problems and addiction problems. I have them myself but to a lesser extent. We reunutied just over a year ago after 18 years. She cannot deal with any serious issues and I find myself often unable to cope. There are about 75% bad days. She attacks me spiritually, emotionally and mentally. My family hate her and this means I have no one to talk to. They think I am a fool being manipulated. In my darker moments I think this. I am by no means perfect and I snap after many days of sustained upset. The fallout of course is that I feel like a worthless failure. Things have gotten physical on both sides but I have never punched a woman in my life. I have slapped her on the face after she has said the most disgusting things to me. During our years apart I experienced mental health problems that my family wrongfully attributed to her. I learned from these experiences, got a degree, became a respected tutor and producer. I hoped I could help her but I fail her. She moved in with me a week ago and now says that I have trapped her. I don't think she means it. She says it to hurt me. I rent this place and I would move out if it helps. We have a beautiful rescue dog and it would be much easier for me to find a place than her. I adore her with my heart and soul but consciously or not she treats me like toilet paper.

SANDY
April, 8 2016 at 11:32 pm

'Stigma, social isolation, loss of the “couple friends" group. Invitations dwindle when your spouse’s actions are unpredictable and sometimes embarrassing.'
I just looked at ten different online articles about coping as a spouse of someone with a mental illness, and this is the only one that addressed this directly, yet it is one of the most difficult to cope with and frustrating because trying to resolve it can make you seem needy and desparate or unloyal to your spouse, which then has the oppisite effect of what you want. One must accept early on that they will have a much smaller social circle than a couple where both mates are healthy, and that even within that circle, they may be loved and cared about, but that will not necessarily translate into them wanting to spend time with you.  One reason I love my job is because there I am my own entity rather than being identified with my spouse; I stand or fall based on my own actions, not his. It is extremely important I think for anyone with a mentally ill spouse to find an outlet - hobby, volunteer work, class, job etc - that our spouse is not involved in at all where we can be seen for who we are, because when they are present, their personality will almost always dominate. 

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Taylor Arthur
April, 11 2016 at 7:13 am

Sandy,
Yes. I think you are right that when your spouse has a mental illness it will reduce your social group. But, after dealing with a mental illness for fifteen years in my marriage and other difficulties, I've learned that every time we go through a difficult time, our social groups get smaller. This is a hard truth that most people don't have to realize: there are few true friends out there that will stick by your side.
If I can encourage you to do anything, it would be these two things: find a support group for families of mental illness, spouses of mental illness, etc. Go somewhere where you can find people who share your experiences. Maybe there you can find some true friends who understand you. Also, please seek friendship and activities outside of your marriage. You need time off. Meet a girlfriend for coffee, join an exercise class, find a good therapist. Have a little fun. Then, maybe your smaller circles might not feel so confining.
Best of luck to you,
Taylor

SANDY
April, 8 2016 at 11:05 pm

Jennifer, my heart goes out to you. Please get into some kind of a support group fast, whether on line or in person. Most people dont "get" mental illness; you need the guidance, emotional support and love from people who have experienced what you are experiencing. Trying to get it from the uninformed and inexperienced is frustrating for them and you. Hugs to you! Stay strong.

Joe DAmbrosio
March, 31 2016 at 3:06 pm

I'm trying to take care of my exwife .shes been on and off her meds now for 5 years.. I have three wonderful grown sons whovarevtrying tovleadvtheir own lives..I live with her and work three days a week to keep an apartment to go to when she's completely off the wall .. I feel lonely .. She's there and not there.. My sons and I try to work as a team but I'm trying to shield them from the day to day stuff that will certainly distrupt and further hurt there lives... She was hospitalized for schizophrenia effective disorder with depressive systems and as having ptsd .. This was a wonderful brillant professional caring SocialWorker who was placed in care as a child!!! I feel very alone.. It's nonstop 24 hrs a day I'm 68 in good shape I'm an author an ex professor and a Practicing Buddhist Dharma Teacher..... I just need to talk to someone who is going through the same thing as me!!She falls through all the cracks in the Mental Health System.. It's stay and try to maintain her or go and watch her detiriate over the next years to a state where she can be truly hospitalized for ever!!! It's a Hobsian choice!!! Please if anyone is out there I live in Putnam County NY please email me.. If your living like me I need to talk about it.. Thankyou

Jennifer
March, 29 2016 at 9:39 pm

In regards to my last post I forgot to mention that he stopped eating from me, spend long hours walking the highway. He looked at me like I was out to get him. He was diagnosed possible Schizo Affective and or Bipolar Depresssion

Jennifer
March, 29 2016 at 9:36 pm

My husband has always been depressed. He had his first mental breakdown 6 years ago. in late 2014. He started to get worse with the paranoia. At one point he said his co workers are playing games with him, shortly after that he lost his job and when I returned to work after being out due to illness, he began to treat me differently. I told his mom and she blew me off, despite his father's mental illness the reason why she left him. It got physical between us. I didn't trust him being left alone with the kids. Eventually I had him involuntarily committed and on the last one he left the state. I have to let my home go into foreclosure and file for bankruptcy. He has selective mute-ism with me and the kids. I later found out that there was a history of mental illness on both sides of his family. His mom enables him and refuses to get him help. Family members refuse to help because of her.
My life is falling a part and my kids and I don't even know where we are going to call home. He was a great dad and decent husband. His mom blames me. I blame her for not getting him help when he was younger.

H
March, 19 2016 at 3:56 am

What do you do when your mentally ill H runs away out of the blue, pretends that you don't exist and has a "secret" life elsewhere? He left a couple years ago, asked for a divorce, accused me of things that weren't true, took up with a very young girl, won't tell the kids, lost his job, is hospitalized several times for suicide threats, comes back for "family time", cries and tells me I didn't do all the bad things he said I did, but continues to run away, drink, party with young girl, while trying to "erase his memory". I love that guy and believe in marriage and forgiveness, especially as he's definitely struggling with a mental illness, but I can't just seem to do the right thing. He won't trust me and I cannot, for the life of me, understand why? I was always a loving, caring person....why does he run away from me? Why does he want to wipe away his memory of me? I completely don't get any of this and will be forever broken over this. How can the person I loved the most think I was the worst (he sometimes thinks that). I'm so confused....

So lost
March, 10 2016 at 5:31 am

Hi everyone ,
I am 29 years old with a 2 year old daughter. My fiancé of 4 years has recently been diagnosed with ADHD and sever anxiety and episodes of insomnia. He grew up knowing he had issues just never had them addressed. He grew up with sort of not perfect childhood. After 3 stents in the psych ward , 2 of which I had to have him admitted for taking to many prescription pills and saying he wants to die. The last episode he pulled an all night bender and when I wouldn't forgive him he checked himself in for help and then checked himself out two days later. I told him if we stood a chance he needed to seek help and get medicated. This really all went down hill. He always had temper problems. Would black out with anger wouldn't remember anything. He was prescribed adderall Lexapro and Xanax as needed for panic attacks. The first month of these meds was great. Our relationship never better. He struggled with having to be on daily meds but pushed thru. ( he has always been an amazing father but me and him seemed to be perfect ) nights were still a struggle , he couldn't sleep ( which meant than I couldn't sleep either ) but then started to find the right dose of Benadryl and Xanax and insomnia went away. I didn't agree with it but it was only hope of a decent nights rest ( I am a full time student in a medical program , luckily I don't work but I still am busy and required to get up at 5am for Clinicals ). He complained daily about the side effects of the drugs. No appetite. No sex drive. Etc Etc but he still was upbeat with daily life. He has a career never misses work. Always helping people but himself. I see he tries so hard now but he is going backwards. Hates taking the meds. He gets weird thoughts and feelings. Not the same person. It's been now about 2 months on everything and the last week has been hell. He is and always has been very needy for attention. Especially from me. I do my best but I'm being pulled in many directions and can't devote 100 percent to him. His anxiety is back. He stays at work 14 hours just to avoid coming home. Nights are noting but talking which leads to arguing which leads to anxiety. And when he has anxiety he says a lot of hurtful things. I love him I know he struggles and he's trying. He tells me I should walk away and move on with my life bc he will never be fixed , I fear for his safety. But idk what to do. I don't want my daughter to miss out on such a wonderful father but I'm losing myself trying to save him. We tried counseling , church, therapy we always go back to same spot. Same issues same episodes. I cry all night , but I can't bring myself to leave someone who is trying to get help. In my mind I'm preparing myself to lose him. Even if he's physically there. Mentally I know it'll never be the same. It's comforting to hear others stories but I am so lost on what to do. I feel if I walk away it's like I'm killing him.

Brian
February, 26 2016 at 8:22 am

Hey all, I am the person with the mental issues and being divorced. Im so angry I want to scream. Trying to focus on my coping skills and its working for the most part.
Background Jan 19,2008, married the soon to be ex wife she had gotten pregnant with our daughter. I basically shut down, there was no other way to say it. I have some sever memory problems of this last 7 years. She told me I used to yell at my daughter why is the kid screaming, have her be quiet. That went on until 2008, my son was born, she said i put him down so hard one time that it almost took his breath away, says shes never forgiven me for almost killing her son. Once again I do not remember that one bit, no police reports were filed, as far as I know she only told 3 people in total.
Along the way, I turned into basically a spoiled brat and used to huff and puff until I got my way (I am the oldest of three kids), told me recently everything she always did was to make me happy so i wouldn't make her life hell. I went on uncontrolled spending sprees, broke us financially (which I vaguely remember this part) four times. The only reason she stayed was she was unemployment at the time and had a small baby.
Ive always had anger issues never to where I was physical to her or the kids outside that one event. Ive been told recently Im disrespectful and rude. I also done think its the entire picture, in the checked out time she met this "friend" on an iphone game. We now live in the same town in TN as he and his wife does. The texts I happen to snoop were really incriminating, so I think there's a bit of paranoia possibly the other one. I dont think Im far off the mark, but I have always had trust issues, Im a loner hanging out at parties or I cling to someones side but not really talk. I display almost child like behavior. After the news of the divorce broke, I checked in to a partial hospitalization program, best week and half of my life, it was the right decision, and I'm also in continued therapy. AT the expense of my family. Its rough, the wound is still fresh, and I think shes trying to pull something on my in the divorce (possible paranoid( but have hired a lawyer in the mean time. Anyway, that's my story.

Help in Illinois
February, 17 2016 at 1:51 pm

HELP! What resources are available to me in the State of Illinois to address and deal with a husband who is suffering from Huntington's Disease HD? It has now progressed to a point (now 2 years post-diagnosis) that he is becoming increasingly dangerous and hostile to both himself and, primarily, his family -- namely ME his wife and caregiver and his 2nd child (who is still in HS). I have POA and Health Care Guardianship -- but he was the main income provider for 18 years, and now at only age 52 (he stopped working 2 years ago) we are fully reliant on disability, SS and that's about it. We have already filed for BK -- bc that is the only way to avoid the massive amount of debt and poor financial decisions he made prior to diagnosis, and now he claims (2 years in) that in reality his mental compromise apparently started years before! Basically, our entire nest egg and financial freedom was blown away by his irrational decision making and ever increasing debt and creditor resources he leveraged to the hilt -- all this came to light when the money ran out and calls started coming in -- regardless, what I want to know today, right now, he is doing things around the house (even though he is heavily medicated and monitored by physician's care) that could possibly be fatal to us and himself -- leaving dangerous appliances on when everybody is sleeping etc. If I have him committed how will we survive? I am working to make ends meet, but we cannot afford to have his SS and/or his disability be re-directed to a mental institution -- are there resources or solutions that are available? Please suggesttions welcome!!
stephanie

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Taylor Arthur
February, 22 2016 at 6:37 am

Oh Stephanie,
I am so, so sorry. It sounds like you are in a situation in which there are no good answers. What I would suggest when life gets this complicated is to go to someone who can listen to you, because I am sure you have a lot you need to just vent about. Also, someone like a therapist can help you make difficult decisions about hospitalization, commitment, etc. If you cannot afford a therapist or don't know how to find one, I would suggest looking to your husband's doctors, one of your own doctors--even a general practitioner--who will have contact information for social workers to help with specific resources in your state, and will be able to connect you to people who can help you. Also, if you attend a church, they may be able to connect you to social workers, therapists, etc.
To address the issue of your safety, please do what you have to do to keep yourself and your child from being harmed. You cannot help your husband if you are not healthy and safe.
Again, I am so sorry for your difficult situation.
Blessings and prayers,
Taylor

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Betty
June, 8 2018 at 11:56 am

I may be wrong, but the disability payments he receives can't be taken from you so that he can receive care. They can't leave you destitute. Call Social Security. Blessing to you and yours!

Heather
February, 12 2016 at 4:16 pm

I've been reading through all the comments, and so much of what I read sounds SO familiar. I need to get out of my marriage - my husband is bi-polar and has gotten much much worse over the past year. How do you go about divorcing someone who can't care for themselves? I worry about where he will go -- and what financial ruin he may bring about on me in the process of the divorce (although, that's a worry if we stay together as well!)

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Taylor Arthur
February, 16 2016 at 3:20 pm

Heather,
Do you have a counselor you can talk to? I think it might help to talk to someone who can tell you the steps to take to protect yourself. Do you and your husband have a wellness plan for him that you've agree upon? Is he treatment compliant? As much as you can love you're husband, your wellbeing has to come first. Please take care.
Taylor

Dean
January, 18 2016 at 12:27 pm

My wife has tried to kill herself three times...two times before I knew her. She has bipolar and borderline personality disorder. After she tried to kill herself in our marriage and was sent away for 6 months to live in an adult foster care she was never the same person. She would show signs of the "old" wife of mine but her illness was getting the best of her. When I suggested to see new doctors she said I was trying to CONFORM her. I grew very frustrated with her and really did not have the time of day for her. I mostly focused on meeting the needs of our 3 children since Mom was there physically but not mentally. I work full time and did 90% of the household chores as well as take care of the kids so she could sleep in on weekends because of her illness. She is on 5 different drugs and I feel she is so drug induced she can NOT make rational decisions. October 24th of 2014 she had ME arrested after she attacked me...saying that I tried to abuse her AFTER she came after me while I tried to lock her out of our bedroom. She barreled into the door and received a bruise...she told the cops that I DID IT and of course I was arrested. She then filed a DANCO order and an OFP...saying I have raped her and beat the children. Needless to say...these are lies and I am trying to stay in the fight. I did NOT want to file for divorce but my lawyer said the only way I can get custody of the children is to FILE FOR DIVORCE so it goes into family law. I have spent over $20,000 to fight these illnesses since and it is dragging me down. Are there any "mental illness" lawyers that could help me more with my case? We are in the child custody evaluation process now but I feel that every day they spend with her could be the last day for my children. HELP!!!

Stacey
January, 18 2016 at 11:29 am

I have been married for almost 10 yrs
My husband had a bad motorcycle 16 months ago. After he was able to walk again he started using drugs to cope. He is terrible I have had to move to a rv in the yard. He hears voices and puts holes in the walls, talks to people that aren't there. He says I have killed his daughter's and I have hidden the bogies and SOOOO much more. I miss the man that he used to be. I made the hard decision to go back to my hometown and get away from him. I do not know what else to do

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Taylor Arthur
January, 26 2016 at 3:12 pm

Stacey,
It sounds like you do know what to do and you are doing it. You well-being has to come first. I'm so sorry you have lost the husband you loved so much. Take care of yourself.
Blessings,
Taylor

britney
January, 9 2016 at 5:39 pm

I want to say a big thanks to the man who is behind my smiles today by reuniting me and my Husband after he divorced me, Dr Osato who is a very powerful spell caster brought my husband back to me and made him beg me to forgive him for everything he did to me, i really missed him so much and always loved him. Am happy to have him back in my life and all my appreciations goes to Dr Osato for helping me and bringing my husband back to my life with his great powers. My friends out there who are going through marriage problems and divorce issues i assure you that you can get your lover back to your life with the help of Dr Osato. You can reach him on: (relationshipspell@gmail. com) his website http://relationshipspellhelp.webs.com
Once again thanks be to you the Great Dr Osato relationshipspell@gmail. com

christopher
January, 8 2016 at 7:41 pm

my wife is from russia and we were married there when we met nearly ten years ago now. i was living abroad and working at the time. she is truly the love of my life and these first years were amazing - a very sweet, endearing and kind woman my wife proved to be. we moved to the states, both excited for the new life we were beginning and the many possibilites we had as a young couple. at this point my wife was pregnant with our first child. after the birth of our first daughter my wife's doctor prescribed her phentermine to help loose the extra weight she had gained during the pregnancy. this, for us, was the beginning of a long and troublesome next 8 years, soon to be 9. the first sign i had was a noticable increase in being overly paranoid with matters of no real consequence. for example, she called girls that i knew in russia to warn them that they had better stay away from me (mind you that they were still in russia). she developed an unatrual fear that i was going to cheat on her. i, at the time, chalked this up to her not yet knowing english and feeling a bit out of place in a foreighn country. no worries, we were just getting started. after our second child was born my wife took a real turn for the worse. this is when the voices and extreme paranoid delusions began. i cannot really remember the events of the day in which things drastically begain to unravel, but i remember well the first time i had to take her to the emergancy room. Lord have mercy. we were going through alot of problems at the time - my "career job" with my family really took a hard hit and we were trying our best to survive our first real challenges with "making it in life." well, the emergency room did not help, nor did the next set of doctors we visited, nor the next. after long trips to the best hospitals in the state and me exhuasting every option that i could think of we were, basically, left empty handed. we tried lots of drugs, none of which worked. finally we found geodon, that did ok, but did not stop the severe depression and panick attacks. then we went though the muscle spasam stage, then the "i cannot stay awake" stage. my wife clung to me, but she hated my family and she felt very isolated and alone in the states. the main voice she heard in her head was my sisters. she grew increasingly homesick. she started drinking as though it were all she had left in life. the drinking has never stopped. things got much worse. by the way, do you know what this feels like? its just like being strapped to a chair and watching your family being tortured to death - nothing you can do, completely helpless. did i mention that we had no health insurance? ruined my credit. nobody seemed to get what was happening. i always got the "well, marriage is hard, you just have to make the best of it." things carried on with the daily panick attacks, voices and delusions about my family. some days were really bad, most days there were some problems, but some days were good. so this was our life - geodan, weatherning the storms and enjoying the sunshine when it came out. it was doable, sad, but doable. then my wife began to get better! remarkably better in fact, so much better that her doctor took her off the geodan. once she was off and the medicine was several months out of her system it was almost as if we had our life back. at this point i had begun my own business, two years in, and were beginning to see the first signs of life in our finicial turnaround. i though everything was great. during this time my wife was haveing very little signs of mental illness - some days she would be homesick, but that is far from mental illness. it was at this point that my wife insisted that she try the pentermine diet pills again. i told her that i was strongly opposted to the idea, but that if she wanted to "try" them that it was her decision. i only made her promise that if we started to see any negative side effects that she would abandon them immediately. well, two weeks in and i began to see that she was "getting in her head", a term she uses for uncontrollable thougts and obessions. then she began to act extremely manic. i told her she had to quit the pills about three weeks in and she became very angry at this idea. then she told me she would quit, but lied. her behavior continued to decline and now there is almost no living with her. my 7 year old and 5 year old commonly are saying, "mommie stop, your hurting papa - your being mean." its taking a toll on our childrean. she has quit the pills, but there seems to be a lasting mental state from the medication. it was near this time that i got very sick and had to be hospitalized - i missed two weeks of work and was bedridden. during this time the new issues really began to set in. i should mention that her first diagnosis was schitzoaffective disorder - complete with voices, delusions, etc. this time however she is pure mania (of official diagnosis as she thinks that there is no problem). if there is a target and on this target are all the people my wife hates, well i am the bullseye. it has never been this way before - i always took care of my wife - cried with her, listened to her, fought for her, talked her down from the delousions. now she cannot talk to me about anything without becoming insanely angry at me. i also see the "in her head" personality coming back - complete with incoherent sentences, strange noises (sounds she makes) and, this time, off the charts manic behavior. i do not know what to do! i think she loves me - she says she still loves me. occasionally we still have sex and, for most of it, we are intimate and sweet with each other. sometimes she is ok to me, but never appologetic or kind hearted as before. she blames me for everything - she tears into me for "acting strange." i refuse to argue back with her - i have some and it only makes things much worse. i am taking a very honest approach with her and constantlally reminding her of how much i love her - that i want to grow old with her. i seem to be getting nowhere. she demands that i see a doctor and that i have major psychological issues. she does not even make sense when she talks - everything is incoherent with ackward pauses between unrelated sentences. i can tell that there is much more going on in her head than she is willing to admit. guys, this is the first time in my life that i have ever written on any boards for anything really- but i do not know what to do, at all. she refuses marriage counseling, she refuses church (which was the center of our life before - we are Russian Orthodox), she refuses any notion that she is sick. she has a new set of friends now and is working - although i am beginning to suspect that her friends and coworkers are catching on that somthing is a little off. i am worried sick - for her, for me, for the kids. i am beginning to notice that i am actually thinking of leaving - not because i want to, but because i do not know how much more i can take. i honestlly love her more today than i did on our wedding day, but this is very painful to endure. i keep thinking that maybe if she looses me she will come to her senses. i am scared to death of the gamble, but have no where else to turn. my business is suffering tremendously, as are my children. the house is a wreck and i am a very clean and orderly person. i am doing everything - cleaning, working, watching the kids. i am trying as hard as i can to convey my love to her, but its not working. what do i do?!? i truly believe that you do not learn to love someone by having a comfortable easy life, but rather by trail and difficulty, by suffering so much for the other person that you learn how to love one more than you love yourself. i am so torn in this situation. if anyone has any advice/comments well, yes, i am that desperate. thank you for listening.
and kindly forgive my obvious lack of attention to grammer and basic english skills in university - i am the world's worst speller.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Taylor Arthur
January, 10 2016 at 7:31 am

Dear Christopher,
Thank you for writing to us here on HealthyPlace. It sounds like you have tried everything you can for your wife. I am so sorry. Have you considered talking to a counselor or a pastor about this? I cannot tell you when "enough is enough," but maybe talking it out with a trusted confidante will give you more clarity as to what is best for you and the kids. Your wellbeing and the wellbeing of your children is EQUALLY important to the wellbeing of your wife. You deserve to afford yourself some time and/or space to get the help you need.
Blessings and prayers,
Taylor

Brokenspirit
January, 5 2016 at 2:33 pm

Sam,
I felt compelled to reach out to you. I find myself in the same situation. Except my husband left me almost
Three years after his bipolar diagnosis. He quit taking his medication, started smoking mass amounts of marijuana, and proceeded to tell me I would never except him for who he was, would never allow him to be himself.. Etc... By this time he was already sleeping less and was delusional but his delusions were somewhat believable. This was in June, 2015 and my life and heart have been shattered. I am 33 years old with two children(eldest from a previous marriage) ages 17 and 7. I managed
to work full time, while keeping up with the kids and making several attempts at getting my husband the help he needs. I even got granted a judges warrant based on his mental deterioration, but the hospital released him because ex
Didn't want help? What a joke. He had been in three street fights by that time( in 12 years I've never known him to fight) By August he was full blown manic living in his truck out on the streets. He quit his job, sold his second love(his truck) for a beater isuzu and managed to convince people I was a witch who threw him out. He committed
Fraud, missed our daughter's first
day of school and ran us out of our home after finding out I was gone thanksgiving weekend and bringing his homeless friends to drink all my alcohol, eat our food, sleep in my children's beds and take my youngest' money out of her piggy bank. I haven't spoke to him in three months with the exception of his asking me once for a smoke after not seeing his children. I served him with custody papers and he didn't even read them. I was awarded full custody of the kids, with supervised visitation only and all deciding rights because the judge was horrified when I told my story and my ex did not show up. He's spiralled to the point of believing he passed the bar at age 13 and became a lawyer. He says he's done secret missions for the fbi and black ops in Iraq. His delusions have included me so I am fearful he may consider revenge. He blame amend or all his problems.
Worse part is, with medication, time, and therapy he would have a shot at recovery. But he refuses any medication because he thinks that pot is his medication.

Brokenspirit
January, 5 2016 at 2:33 pm

Sam,
I felt compelled to reach out to you. I find myself in the same situation. Except my husband left me almost
Three years after his bipolar diagnosis. He quit taking his medication, started smoking mass amounts of marijuana, and proceeded to tell me I would never except him for who he was, would never allow him to be himself.. Etc... By this time he was already sleeping less and was delusional but his delusions were somewhat believable. This was in June, 2015 and my life and heart have been shattered. I am 33 years old with two children(eldest from a previous marriage) ages 17 and 7. I managed
to work full time, while keeping up with the kids and making several attempts at getting my husband the help he needs. I even got granted a judges warrant based on his mental deterioration, but the hospital released him because ex
Didn't want help? What a joke. He had been in three street fights by that time( in 12 years I've never known him to fight) By August he was full blown manic living in his truck out on the streets. He quit his job, sold his second love(his truck) for a beater isuzu and managed to convince people I was a witch who threw him out. He committed
Fraud, missed our daughter's first
day of school and ran us out of our home after finding out I was gone thanksgiving weekend and bringing his homeless friends to drink all my alcohol, eat our food, sleep in my children's beds and take my youngest' money out of her piggy bank. I haven't spoke to him in three months with the exception of his asking me once for a smoke after not seeing his children. I served him with custody papers and he didn't even read them. I was awarded full custody of the kids, with supervised visitation only and all deciding rights because the judge was horrified when I told my story and my ex did not show up. He's spiralled to the point of believing he passed the bar at age 13 and became a lawyer. He says he's done secret missions for the fbi and black ops in Iraq. His delusions have included me so I am fearful he may consider revenge. He blame amend or all his problems.
Worse part is, with medication, time, and therapy he would have a shot at recovery. But he refuses any medication because he thinks that pot is his medication.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Taylor Arthur
January, 10 2016 at 7:37 am

Broken Spirit,
I am so very sorry to hear about your husband's illness. Are you seeing a therapist or do you have a counselor, pastor, or trusted confidante you can talk to about this? Please know that your welfare and the welfare of your children should be your first priority. You cannot make your husband take care of himself, but you can care for yourself and your children. I cannot imagine how difficult this is for you. I am so very sorry. You are incredibly brave. Please take care of yourself.
Blessings,
Taylor

SamK
December, 13 2015 at 6:38 am

My wife was diagnosed with bipolar 16 years ago soon after our son was born. She has been in and out of psych wards every few years. Since 2006 her situation started to worsen as she stopped any sort of treatment and medication. now she is in psych ward for more than two weeks. She refuses to see me or talk to me. She gets very upset and very angry even the mention of me. I have take care of her, our child, our household, kept my job to provide for my family all these years. Made sure she gets a comfortable living with minimal distrurbances.
But now she is going out of control, went to police saying that the entire world is conspiring against her and stealing her identity. Sad to see someone like her, well educated smart person turned into a wreck. Her refusal to get any help is the biggest problem.
Now with her new level of enmity towards me, I don't know how to manage. Dont want to divorce, for the sake of family and our son. Also cant just do that as she will lose medical benefits etc and she cant take care of herself.
Trying to see if there is any middle way where I can separate and provide for her. Also dont know if I move out of the house my our son, she will become even more lonely. What happens if she commits something really bad? Last thing is I dont want her to hurt herself and on top of that I dont know if that will become a huge legal problem for me.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Taylor Arthur
December, 13 2015 at 3:24 pm

Dear friend,
I just want to say how sorry I am. What a heavy burden it must be to love someone who seems so incapable of loving you back the way you deserve. Bipolar disorder is a cruel and overpowering illness, and it has the power to convince someone that their reality is not what it seems. Please know that despite your love and devotion to your wife, your wellbeing and the wellbeing of your child is always, always as important as your wife's wellbeing. Are you seeing a therapist or other confidant who can give you unbiased advice? If not, please consider it. They may have options available that you have not considered. I don't have all of the answers, but please remember that you, too, are worthy and deserving of love. You and your child deserve to live a healthy life.
Blessings,
Taylor

Past Exhausted
November, 29 2015 at 10:20 am

My husband of 18 years was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, likely polar after returning from a non-combat deployment. The behaviors included selfishness, severe overspending, impulsivity and immaturity leading to job losses, extreme anger, depression, the list goes on....and he's had his entire life but seemed to worsen after his return.
I began seeing a marriage therapist prior to his deployment as I was concerned about the state of our marriage, how tired I was and some confusion I was feeling. My husband refused to go to counseling. I determined a divorce was necessary and my therapist gave me referrals to the best legal professionals in the area. Before this, he had given me a detailed list of all the maneuvers my husband would pull to bring me back into alignment, where I could continue to be sucked dry. My husband did every single one, much to my amazement.
What I didn't anticipate was him threatening to quit his job and abandon the children. I'm a full-time student, depended on some kind of financial assistance from him and didn't have to heart to tell the kids their father no longer wanted to see them. At which point I agreed to stay and just suck it up, make the best of things. Of course it wasn't the right decision but every horrible day I have to remind myself that I've chosen this and it's only getting worse.
My advice, get out before it's too late. People with mental illness, real or fake, can destroy you and your family. Divorce is not the worse case scenario. Staying in the dysfunctional relationship is. Divorce creates boundaries where you could not previously. Divorce gives you a legal advocate. Divorce does not ruin families and lives, people do.

januarygerry
November, 28 2015 at 3:20 pm

How could I have forgotten the most important piece. My partner is a recovered alcoholic with 15 years sobriety,but has rapid- cycling bipolar disorder. He has been on many , many meds, and many combinations. Nothing works well for very long. ( a few months, maybe). Currently he takes Latuda 20mg and Mirtazepine 15mg.He uses a BIPAP machine to help with sleep apnea. He is just getting worse. a fewyears ago he went off al meds AMA for a few years and wastold his bipolar would worsen and medication would become not very helpful. Seem like that is coming true.

januarygerry
November, 28 2015 at 1:29 pm

Long story short. Two days after Thanksgiving and I am trying to stay emotionally above water after losing my 88 year old Mom, my only family, in July , and recovering from a total knee replacement Sept. 16th. I need another one in a few months and will need to sell my home for financial reasons in the next 6 months .I am a 64 year old retired mental health professional with no siblings, kids or grandkids. My partner/friend is 55 years old. We have been together for almost 21 years.My partner's family has been MIA for about 10 years,and his only child, a daughter,married, 34 with no kids, has stopped all communication with us for the last year and a half. My friend spends most of his time sleeping 12 or more hours a day , up at night until 2AM, holed up in the garage playing childish phone and tablet games for hours at a time. He contributes only minimally for food and claims he is broke because he is on disabilty. He earns more than I do on SocialSecurity .He does contribute a few hundred dollars toward food, but I have a 1200 dollar mortgage. He has no car and no possessions other than clothing. He did help me a great deal with my recovery and with my Mom at home before she needed placement and in- house hospice. I am grateful for that. It is so sad, but I am basically numb. He is a shadow of the man he used to be. He has been on disabilty for ten years now. He has gained 40 pounds on junk food, has no hobbies , no friends and no interests, despite us living in a lovely home, neighborhood and state. We used to do so much.I did tons of volunteer work, in adition to caring for Mom for 14 years. He was a long distance trucker and before that built beautiful multi- million dollar homes on the East coast for reputable companies. I don't now who this is anymore. He is medication compliant, but refuses to do real therapy and wants everyone to leave him alone. He has sucked the life out of me, and for some reason I have allowed it. I do not want to be alone at this age, but that must be better than this. I should know better. It all seems so much worse since Mom passed and she had lived with me for 14 years.Lately he has an explosive temer which makes any conversation pretty much impossible I know I should get counseling but guess I am afraid of the obvious answer. You can't help someone who refuses help. He has made me so tired that I am starting to hate life. I need support right know. Someone, please?

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