Your Budding Daughter: Some Practical Suggestions for Parents

What? Already?
Puberty in Girls, Step By Step
The Stages of Development
'Is This Normal?' When to See Your Physician
Helping Your Daughter to Be Well-Informed
Sex Education
Menstruation, tampons and pads
Bras
In Closing

What? Already?

Puberty! It started happening to my 10-year-old daughter this spring. She needed new sandals - women's size 7 sandals! She got those little bumps under her nipples that we doctors call 'breast buds'. Next, I was 'excused' from joining her in the dressing room when we shopped for her clothes, and the bathroom door was locked when she showered. The pants I hemmed up in June were too short by October, despite only being washed once. And she admits to 'maybe' having a few hairs 'down there'.

As a loving mom and adolescent medicine specialist, these are heady times for me. I am proud of my daughter and thrilled to see her embark on this road toward womanhood. I know that she is progressing normally. But still, I think, 'Hold on, she's only in fifth grade!'

My daughter is perfectly normal. Puberty, often first recognized at the onset of breast development, usually begins about the time a girl turns 10. There is a wide range of 'normal' starting times, and the onset time varies in different ethnic groups. For instance, it may occur between the ages of 8 and 14 in white girls, and may begin as early as 7 years of age in African American girls.

Puberty in Girls, Step by Step

Puberty is outwardly manifested by two main sets of changes:

  • Rapid increases in height and weight, referred to as the height and weight spurts

  • Development of breasts, and pubic and axillary (underarm) hair

Tracking the changes during puberty

These changes, and the other physical changes of puberty, occur in a predictable sequence. We use sexual maturity rating (SMR) scales to track a youngster's progression through puberty. Knowing the timing of these changes, related to each other and related to the sexual maturity ratings, is very helpful. After all, most of us like to know what to expect. For example, when my daughter developed breast buds, I was able to tell her that she'd start finding little hairs near her labia majora (outer lips of the vagina) within six months or so. And she knows that she is likely to have her first menstrual period about 2 years after her breasts first started developing. This means she'll be a little over 12 years of age, close to the national average of 12 years and 4 months.

The height spurt

Ultimately, 20-25% of a girl's adult height is acquired in puberty. The height spurt usually begins just before or after breast budding develops. Over a period of about 4 years, girls grow close to a foot taller than they were at the beginning of the height spurt. The bones that grow first are those furthest from the center of the body. This is why my daughter's shoe size shot up before the rest of her body began growing faster. The earlier growth in the arms and legs accounts for the awkwardness and 'gangly' appearance of many teenagers. Their center of gravity is shifting, and they haven't gotten used to those long arms and legs. The growth in the spinal column alone accounts for 20% of the height increase. This is why it is important to check for scoliosis (sideways curvature of the back) before puberty begins. A slight curve can turn into a much larger one during all that growth.

The weight spurt

A girl's height spurt is followed about 6 months later by her weight spurt. This is, of course, when she can never get enough to eat. Fully 50% of ideal adult body weight is gained in puberty. In girls, the proportion of body weight in fat increases from about 16% to nearly 27%. Lean body mass, especially muscle and bones, also increase substantially. It's the growth and maturation of bones, in particular, which makes calcium intake so important.

Getting enough calcium

Most of you know of the importance of good calcium intake for all women, especially growing teenagers, pregnant women, and nursing mothers. Milk and other dairy products are the least expensive, most convenient sources. Nonfat milk has just as much calcium as whole milk. If your daughter doesn't like milk, try doctoring it up with chocolate powder or syrup (this is the only way I can get my daughter to drink it). Calcium is also available as a nutritional supplement in tablet form, but many teenagers find the tablets too large to swallow comfortably. Your daughter may like the fruit or chocolate-flavored calcium-supplement chews available in drugstores now.


The Stages of Development

The table below summarizes the events at each stage of development. The average (mean) age listed here can vary widely; about 2 years either side of these listed ages will usually be considered normal.

Sexual Maturity Rating Average Age (Years) Features What Happens
1 8 2/3 Growth, breasts and pubic hair Height spurt begins. Body fat at 15.7%. Breasts are prepubertal; no glandular tissue. No pubic hair.
2 11 1/4 Breasts The areola (pigmented area around the nipple) enlarges and becomes darker. It raises to become a mound with a small amount of breast tissue underneath. This is called a 'bud'.
2 11 3/4 Pubic hair and growth A few long, downy, slightly darkened hairs appear along the labia majora. At the end of this stage, the body fat has increased to 18.9%.
3 11 2/3 Growth Peak height velocity (maximum growth rate) is reached. Body fat is now 21.6%.
3 12 Breasts Development of breast tissue past the edge of the areola.
3 12 1/3 Pubic hair Moderate amount of more curly, pigmented, and coarser hair on the mons pubis (the raised, fatty area above the labia majora). Hair begins to spread more laterally. Menarche (first menstrual period) occurs in 20% of girls during this pubic hair stage
4 12 3/4 Pubic hair Hair is close to adult pubic hair in curliness and coarseness. Area of pubis covered is smaller than adults, and there are no hairs on the middle surfaces of the thighs. Menarche occurs in 50% of girls.
4 13 Breasts Continued development of breast tissue; in side view, areola and nipple protrude.
4 13 Growth End of growth spurt. Body fat reaches mature proportion: 26.7%. After menstruation begins, girls grow at most 4-5", usually less.
5 14 1/2 Pubic hair and Body fat Adult. It is normal for some long pigmented hairs to grow on the inner thighs. Body fat remains at 26.7%.
5 15 1/4 Breasts Adult breasts.

'Is This Normal?' When to See Your Physician

Parents often have concerns about whether their daughter is starting puberty too early or too late, or whether she is progressing normally. Occasionally they may also notice a physical feature which seems 'different' and want to check it out. Hopefully, the information provided above will be useful in charting your daughter's progress. But whenever you are uncertain, it is best to seek out medical advice. Every girl is different.

Some 'differences' that should lead you to the doctor

There are a few things that should definitely lead you to the pediatrician (or adolescent medicine specialist, if there is one in your area). They are:

  • No breast development by age 13.

  • No menstrual period by between the ages of 13 ½ to 14.

  • In a girl who is at Sexual Maturity Rating 3 or higher, cyclic abdominal pain (pain similar to period cramps) every 3 to 5 weeks, but no menstrual periods. This is rare.

  • Development of pubic hair but no breast development within 6 to 9 months.

Breast development is a very individual thing. There are, however, a number of potential 'dilemmas' to be aware of in this process. They are:

  • Asymmetry (one breast much larger than the other): This may be minimal, or it may be visible even when your daughter is dressed. Some girls with asymmetric breast size are embarrassed to wear a swimsuit, regardless of the extent of asymmetry. In severe cases, plastic surgery is the ultimate answer. This can be performed in teenagers after puberty and after the breasts are fully grown.

  • Very large breasts: Very large breasts can be a source of constant embarrassment and self-consciousness from puberty onwards. They can also cause medical difficulties, namely back problems. Plastic surgery is 'medically indicated' and may well be covered by a health plan, particularly if you and your surgeon are persistent.

  • 'Too small' breasts: Breasts that are 'too small' may also cause embarrassment. Small breasts do not cause medical problems; they do not affect a woman's ability to nurse a baby. With that said, I live in southern California, where breast augmentation seems to be 'de rigeur' for anyone who wants it. Regardless of where you live, I suggest trying some of the ideas in the 'tips' section below before delving into the intense debate about breast augmention surgery. Remember also that teenagers are famously self-conscious about their appearance. Once your daughter is older, she will hopefully have developed more self-confidence. She will then be in a better position to make an educated decision about breast augmentation.

  • Inverted nipple(s): An inverted nipple means just that: the nipple is pointed inwards, rather than outwards. Looking at the breast from the side, you do not see the tip of the nipple protruding. This condition occurs occasionally. It can interfere with breast-feeding. If you notice it, bring it to your doctor's attention. A new non-surgical treatment has recently become available.

  • Tuberous breast disorder: This is a fairly uncommon disorder that often goes unrecognized until a new mother has difficulty breast-feeding. In this condition, growth at the base of the breast (where it attaches to the chest wall) is restricted by a band of tissue. Breast tissue, therefore, grows outwardly while the base remains narrow. This results in a breast shaped like a tuber (for example, a potato). Tuberous breast disorder is surgically correctable.

Helping Your Daughter to Be Well-Informed

Hopefully, your daughter is already well-informed about puberty and the menstrual cycle. It is also important at this time that she be well-informed about sexual intercourse and sexuality.

Sex Education

I recommend that you and your spouse/partner talk with your daughter about when you think it is acceptable to have sexual intercourse. Please be sure that she is well equipped to decline or refuse sexual intercourse - and that she knows that anyone, including a friend or a date, who forces her to have sex, is committing a crime.

She should know that pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases are the common consequences of teenage sexual activity. And, despite your own recommendations, she needs to know about contraception - including emergency contraception. Emergency contraception refers to the 'morning after pill', and it is much less unpleasant and much easier to obtain nowadays.

Menstruation, tampons, and pads

  • I suggest that girls make themselves familiar with their bodies by using a hand-held mirror to look at their genitals, early in puberty if possible. Having a drawing on hand is helpful in identifying the different parts of their anatomy. I believe that this helps girls to become more comfortable with their developing bodies. And when the discussion comes to tampons, as it almost inevitably does, they have a better sense of what is involved.

  • Within a year of the time your daughter begins breast development, purchase several different packages of sanitary supplies for your daughter and invite her to check them out. I consider this part of 'de-mystifying' menstrual periods. (And, one of her visiting friends might need something).

  • Every girl should maintain a menstrual calendar to keep track of her periods. I suggest she keep a small calendar and pen right with her sanitary supplies. It is most helpful for physicans reviewing the calendar if the first day of flow is marked, say, with a circle and the last day with an 'X'.

  • What about tampons? There are pluses and minuses. Sports involvement may be limited or impossible for girls who are having their period but not using tampons. Other girls are fastidious and do not want to risk a bloodstain on their clothes. Still others are uncomfortable about touching their genitals or fearful that using tampons may be painful. Here is what I recommend to my teenage patients:

    • Talk about tampon use with your mother. Some mothers are concerned that using tampons means that a girl will no longer be a virgin. Actually, the opening in the hymen (membrane that partially covers the opening of the vagina) is usually large enough for a mini-sized tampon by the time of a girl's first period. Other mothers are rightfully concerned about the risk of toxic shock syndrome. This has become a rarity since the materials used to make tampons were changed some years ago. I believe that tampons are safe for all women, provided that they are changed at least every 4 hours during the daytime and do not leave the tampon in place for more than 8 hours at night. Some women prefer to use tampons during the daytime only.

    • If staining, and not sports participation, is the primary concern, then an investment in black panties might be all that is needed.

    • Try different brands and types of pads and/or tampons to see what works best for you. 'Super' pads can feel (and look) like a diaper on a diminutive teenager. On the other hand, a 'mini' tampon may not absorb enough flow to last more than a few hours, and this can be a problem at school. I suggest a combination of a mini-tampon and a pad for maximal protection.

    • If your daughter wants to try tampons, I recommend trying teen-sized tampons (marketed as such). I think that a slim plastic applicator is easier for a girl to use than tampons without an applicator or with a cardboard applicator. Also, a bit of lubricating jelly or Vaseline placed on the tip of the applicator may make the insertion easier at first.

 


Bras

  • When to wear a bra? I think that whenever your daughter requests one, it's time. Developing breasts are quite tender, and even the logo on a sports T-shirt may cause discomfort. Fortunately, those smooth cotton 'sports' bras are available everywhere.

  • If your daughter is concerned about breast asymmetry, consider purchasing a padded bra and removing the padding from one side. In more marked cases, you might wish to order a set of the bra inserts advertised in newspapers and women's magazines. Again, use the insert in one side only. If this is inadequate, I recommend that my patients who are too young for surgery, or who can't arrange payment, seek out assistance at a shop specializing in breast prostheses (artificial breasts). Although generally used by women who have had a mastectomy (removal of a breast), a prosthesis can also be helpful for severe breast asymmetry.

  • Given the emphasis on 'normalcy' and on breasts in our society, I think it is reasonable for her to wear a padded or lined bra if she wishes. Most commonly, only older girls (SMR 4 or 5) have this concern. As mentioned earlier, this is a temporary concern for many adolescents.

  • If your daughter has very large breasts, it is important that she wear a bra designed especially to provide extra support, often by use of a criss-cross design in the back. If possible, it should be purchased at a department store that has specially trained undergarment fitters.

Getting more information

If you need help or more information on any of these topics, there are some great web sites operated by SIECUS (the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States) and Planned Parenthood. SIECUS has a special 'For Parents' section. Planned Parenthood has a special section for teens, and there is also a special website for adolescents called 'Go Ask Alice' from Columbia University. For the most up-to-date information about emergency contraception, check the Emergency Contraception website at Princeton University.

If you haven't already done so, purchase or borrow books about puberty, sexuality, and teen issues for your daughter. SIECUS provides an excellent bibliography of resources for parents, children, and adolescents. Here are a few of my personal favorites. You'll find more information about them in the SIECUS bibliography.

It's Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Sex and Sexual Health, by Robie H. Harris

My Body, My Self, by Lynda Madaras and Area Madaras

What's Happening to My Body? For Girls, by Lynda Madaras

What's Happening to Me?, by Peter Mayle

The Period Book: Everything You Don't Want to Ask (But Need to Know), by Karen Gravelle and Jennifer Gravelle (When it comes to periods, this is the most practical book; it's fun, too.)

In Closing

This article has focused mostly on normal and non-gynecological aspects of puberty. While my suggestions and recommendations are far from complete and definitely not inclusive, I hope that the information provided above have given you some information on what physical changes to expect during your daughter's puberty.

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2027, December 27). Your Budding Daughter: Some Practical Suggestions for Parents, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, March 19 from https://www.healthyplace.com/sex/teen-sex/your-budding-daughter-practical-suggestions-for-parents

Last Updated: March 26, 2022

Being Overweight Affects Your Sex Drive

Being overweight hampers your sex life

Add a bad time in bed to the list of ways excess weight can impede your life satisfaction. In a survey of more than 1,000 obese and normal-weight men and women, more than half of obese people reported problems with sexual enjoyment, sex drive or sexual performance or avoided sex altogether, compared with only 5 percent of their normal-weight counterparts. It's unknown whether the problems are physical or psychological. However, losing weight makes obese women feel more confident, says Martin Binks, Ph.D., co-lead researcher and director of behavioral health at Duke Diet & Fitness Center in Durham, N.C. And that's true for women who are merely overweight too: After dropping 10 or 20 pounds, women told Binks "they feel younger sexually."

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2025, December 21). Being Overweight Affects Your Sex Drive, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, March 19 from https://www.healthyplace.com/sex/body-image/being-overweight-affects-your-sex-drive

Last Updated: March 26, 2022

Lots of Food. No Sex. Time for Rehab

I'M AN ADDICT. My drug of choice isn't heroin, crystal meth, or crack cocaine, but it's just as destructive and impossible to kick cold turkey. I'm strung out on food.

I'm 35 years old, stand 5'10" tall, and weigh 300 pounds. I am obese. Over the years, I've tried every diet to hit The New York Times best-seller list, yo-yoing all over the scale, from a rotund 315 pounds down to a burly 245, and rebounding back to a plump 300. Nothing seems to work, and inevitably the jones to graze always gets the best of me.

Every evening, I eat myself into a coma, then crash in front of the TV or down enough Jack Daniels and ginger ale to dull my senses. My edibles-as-drugs problem is compounded by the fact that I live in New York City, home of the world's best food fixes--thick, juicy steaks at Smith & Wollensky's, the world's greatest pizza at John's, dry-rub baby-back ribs at Virgil's BBQ, and the tastiest ethnic restaurants. But, let's face it, even if I lived in a gastronomic backwater, I'd still do the same thing.

This is what it's like being a walking fat body: I have to shop at big-and-tall stores, paying top dollar because nothing in the pages of this or any magazine fits me off the rack. I need a seat-belt extender on airplanes. And I have a hard time stuffing myself into the cheap seats at Knicks games.

Even more disturbing: My weight is harshing my sex life. Performance isn't the issue--it's just getting in the game. Usually hesitant to approach women, I often rely on friends to make the opening move. I shrug it off to shyness, but I know the real reason: I'm afraid to have relationships with women because I don't find myself attractive, so why, I figure, should they?

I'm not looking for your pity. Fuck that. I'm comfortable in my skin. While the looks and sneers sting, they usually come from superficial assholes I wouldn't want to know anyway. But the health implications do terrify me: limited mobility, diabetes, liver damage, gout (from which I already suffer), heart disease, and stroke. All point to an early grave.

Then came the assignment: Spend two weeks at the Duke University Diet & Fitness Center (DFC) in Durham, N.C., and write about it for Men's Fitness. I felt like I had just won the lottery.

Orientation: May 9

Established in 1969, the DFC is one of the country's oldest weight-management centers. From the outside, this one-story brick building looks like my old grammar school. But inside, it's more like a clinic, with its large gym, 25-meter pool, and many doctors' offices. Its program teaches health and wellness through diet, exercise, and behavior modification--voluntary rehab for the weight-challenged.

Looking around orientation, I size up my hefty comrades. They, too, seem to think, "What the hell did I get myself into?" When the time comes for introductions, this might as well be A.A. "Hi, my name is Chuck, and I'm obese."

I was sure the other attendees would wallow in self-pity: "I ate myself into a blob because life dealt me crappy cards." Boo-fucking-hoo. But in reality, I get a positive vibe from my fellow food fiends. Most are fired up for the coming battle and unafraid to share experiences. I admire that.

Day One: May 10

Enrolling in the DFC is like earning a master's degree in healthy living. The most repeated lesson: The keys to fitness are time management and organization. But to me, the idea of planning out meals and exercise is non-spontaneous and unappealing--I've always flown by the seat of my extra-large pants. This will be the hardest adjustment.

Medical, nutritional, physical, and psychological evaluations begin today. I'm poked and prodded by anyone in a lab coat. The goal of this interrogation, explains DFC director Dr. Howard Eisenson, is to produce a clinical profile to ensure I'm healthy enough to go through the program. It's humiliating--I can't go more than seven minutes on the treadmill during my stress test. My lab results show no abnormalities, but I still feel like a big whale.

Day Two: May 11

Today we focus on good nutrition. You need a comprehensive understanding of what healthy comestibles are and how they affect your body. Indeed, as Funkadelic once put it, "Free your mind and your ass will follow."

During my physical assessment, I realize exercise doesn't have to be monotonous and shouldn't be painful. The slogan "No pain, no gain" is bull-shit. "If you're hurt," cautions Gerald Endress, DFC's fitness manager, "you won't get off the couch. Your success in this program and in life depends on getting out and doing some physical activity."

As the day ends, one thing is clear: Losing weight and getting healthy will be a long process. I didn't wake up one morning with this huge gut. It took years of lethargy to eat and drink myself into this shape. I simply let my consumption spiral out of control in college--and never stopped.


Day Three: May 12

This morning, I attend a meditation class to learn how to "communicate" with my body and make peace with my inner-hunger demon. Sounds ludicrous, but I am actually able to converse with my pained parts--specifically, my sore back muscles, pounding head, and grumbling stomach--simply by concentrating and asking each what it wants. By recognizing there is a problem, my body feels better. This type of touchy-feely crap normally doesn't fly with me. This experience, however, is enlightening. (It still freaks me out, though.)

Next up, I meet with nutrition manager Elisabetta Politi, who corroborates my worst fear: I eat too much shit. Who would've thought fast food, Chinese delivery, and pizza aren't good for you? "Proper eating is all common sense" she says. "Stay away from heavy fats, count calories, eat less processed sugar, limit your sodium intake, and you'll be fine."

Uh, easy for her to say. In my world, eating isn't just a means of sustenance--it's a social event. Food should be enjoyed, even celebrated. "You can still eat out in restaurants with friends," she assures me. "Just choose the right things off the menu and manage your portions. You'll learn."

Behavior modification, then, is the gateway to shedding pounds. Of course, when I was young, my parents practically taught me the opposite--that leaving food on my plate was a waste of money. Or they'd say, "Clean your plate: Kids are going hungry all over the world." This was clearly a mistake of good intentions, but it's not their fault I have self-control issues. They were looking out for my best interests. Now I'm an adult. I have to learn to leave more food on my plate.

Day Four: May 13

Let's talk alternative exercise--yoga, for instance. I thought that was a chicks-ercise. But after road-testing these simple stretching movements and correct breathing and relaxation techniques, I'm invigorated, my focus and mental acuity enhanced. Also in my new routine are water aerobics, a daily one-hour walk, and, three times a week, a half-mile swim and weight workout. This healthy-living "crap" might just work.

Later, my group gathers to interpret our lab results. Mine are not good. Suddenly, my newfound enthusiasm takes one to the gut--I have quantitative evidence that I'm on the road to an early grave.

My glucose is high. (I'm, like, one candy bar away from diabetes.) My cholesterol's good/bad ratio is bad/bad. (It's 6.2--it should be under 5.0.) And my triglycerides (fat stored in the bloodstream) are double the norm. Plus, I display four of the five indicators for increased risk of heart disease. (My father, while not overweight, died of a heart attack at age 59.)

Graded on a curve, my results aren't so horrible: A couple of people in the group learn they have serious medical conditions needing immediate attention. Others' cholesterol levels are as high as the population of Hong Kong. Still, this doesn't comfort me. After all, I'm on what is derisively called a "fat farm." And I'm not vying for the DFC's coveted Most Weight Lost prize. I'm fighting my own demons.

Day Five: May 14

What a turnaround--I'm on top of the world this morning! I've lost nearly eight pounds.

Portion control helped get me to this point. They're not starving me, just giving me smaller amounts of healthier foods. Instead of eating lots of starchy fillers--potatoes, rice, etc.--my plate is filled with fresh vegetables, salad, and fruits. Food preparation is also key: limiting oil, mayonnaise, and fatty condiments, and grilling or steaming foods, not frying.

The result: I feel better, I have more stamina, and I'm thinking more clearly--after just five days!

I'm also really digging Pilates. The stretching and strength-enhancing movements have loosened my limbs, improved my flexibility, and tightened my stomach muscles. (It's even better in a coed class: Some of the positions are very sexually suggestive.)

Though I'm enjoying my time in this sheltered environment, I wonder how I'm going to translate my experiences here to the real world. That's where today's Planning Your Restaurant Experience class comes in handy. It teaches us how to order off the menu by asking the waiter about ingredients and preparation. And we're reminded about portion control, a difficult hurdle for me because I've always enjoyed the supersize, more-for-my-money mentality.


WEEK 2

Day Eight: May 17

Eating healthier starts with buying healthier foods. This afternoon, nutritionist Monette Williams takes me and another patient, Warren, on a tour of a Kroger's supermarket. Instead of grabbing items off the shelves impulsively (as I would at home), we stroll the aisles and carefully read nutrition labels. The foods Warren and I normally buy are loaded with sodium, processed sugars, and wasted calories. Now we're empowered, knowing which foods to reject and which to embrace.

Last Day: May 22

I'm a convert. Two weeks ago, I would never have predicted such a change in lifestyle and attitude. Now I know that pessimism is what killed my other healthy-living attempts.

Still, going home is a little scary. I'm worried about falling back into gluttony. But I've resolved to join a gym, mapped out my exercise regimen, and worked out some menus. I've lost 12.5 pounds and more than halved my triglycerides to normal. Last Thursday, I was ready to buy burial insurance--now I'm looking into mountain bikes.

One Month Later

The real world isn't as scary as I predicted. I'm still losing weight (I'm down 24 pounds), and I exercise daily. Every morning I stretch, then walk an hour. I lift twice a week, play racquetball, and do yoga and Pilates. And I can't imagine powering down Ben & Jerry's Cookie Dough on the couch.

The DFC taught me we all need to get off our fat asses, exercise, and eat healthier foods. More important, I learned I have an amazing support system. My family and friends are here for me, and I can call them anytime.

I'm still hardly slim--I strive to be 200 pounds by May. At that point, I'll be a changed man. Well, a thinner, more fit one, anyway.

THE WAR ON FAT

SUCK IT IN

According to Harvard research, Body Mass Index (BMI) measurements may incorrectly classify some men as being over-weight when they are, in fact, in very good shape. Why? Muscle weighs more than fat, so a 250-pound weightlifter and a similar-sized office drone can often have the same BMI. That's why--if you're trying to get fit--it's better to focus on your waist circumference, rather than your actual poundage. You can mark progress with a tape measure, or simply grab a pair of jeans you can't fit into anymore and try them on once a week. Even if your weight and BMI aren't changing with your workout, the jeans should gradually start to fit you better--a sure sign your program is working.

CHUBBY HUBBY

It's not just your imagination that having a wife weighs you down. Most married men are thinner pre-vow than post--as those wedding pictures (and cruel friends) are sure to point out. One theory suggests that not being on the lookout for a partner allows you to get comfortable (i.e., fat). On the flip side, marital problems also lead to stress-eating and the inevitable weight gain that follows. But before you swear yourself to the single life or call that divorce attorney, there is one more twist to the equation. You may be thinner when you're single, but studies show that married guys live significantly longer than bachelors. The choice is yours, cowboy.

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2025, December 16). Lots of Food. No Sex. Time for Rehab, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, March 19 from https://www.healthyplace.com/sex/body-image/lots-of-food-no-sex-time-for-rehab

Last Updated: March 26, 2022

Learning to Trust Yourself After Trauma

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Learning to trust yourself after trauma can feel like walking through a minefield. In my experience, if I take one wrong step, I fear my entire life will somehow implode. Even the most minor decisions send me into a fight-or-flight spiral. I deny my intuition and operate out of fear, craving a sense of security and certainty one simply cannot have in life.

It's been a challenge for me to feel fully present without this gnawing feeling in my gut. Am I heading in the right direction? Am I making the right choices? What if I screw up and somehow sabotage my entire future, unable to get what I so desperately want out of life?

These questions often keep me up at night. Learning to trust yourself after trauma is not an easy feat, and it's one I am still navigating.

How Trauma Hurts Your Sense of Self-Trust

In my experience, I've carried a lot of self-blame and victimization for the roles I've played in my traumas. While my first trauma as a child was not my fault, I still struggled with shame, thinking I could have handled the situation better. I ridiculed myself for the ways I've coped with the pain and the patterns I've carried out. To this day, I sometimes still tell myself I'll be punished with more trauma if I make the wrong choice.

Trauma has a way of keeping me small. It tells me I'm incapable of making my own decisions and tries to find proof that I cannot trust myself. However, I've learned the more I search for such "proof," the more I'll find. It's like a never-ending self-doubt spiral and a self-fulfilling prophecy

How to Trust Yourself After Trauma

Learning to trust yourself after trauma might feel uncomfortable at first. In my case, I looked to others for reassurance that I was making the right choices — that I was safe. While a healthy dose of validation was helpful in many instances, it also took my power away at times. I've noticed the best results when I sought objective insight from those I loved and valued — those who empower me to trust myself. On the other hand, I felt less empowered when I blindly followed the advice of those who simply told me exactly what I should and shouldn't do. Understanding the difference between the two is crucial. 

Sitting in silence with myself has gifted me the greatest sense of peace and self-trust. If you're wondering about the best course of action or decision to make, take a moment to close your eyes and breathe deeply. Propose the question at hand — what comes up? What are your instincts telling you? These should surface without fear, as anxiety can certainly cloud judgment. Focus on the calm thoughts that arise, and know that you are in control. Even if you know something intuitively but are not yet ready to trust it, give yourself time to process the information that comes up. This will help you build trust in yourself without a sense of urgency or panic.

Only you know what is best for you, and learning to trust yourself after trauma is one of the most empowering things you can do for yourself and your recovery.

Learn more about how I learned to trust myself after my trauma by watching the video below.

Depression and Job Hunting Can be a Vicious Combination

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Looking for a new job is never easy. Being unemployed and job hunting is even worse. Unfortunately, I have been in both scenarios in the last couple of years. Getting lost in the cumbersome tasks of revamping my resume and applying for jobs is dispiriting. Thus, it becomes easy for job hunting to cause my depression to set in quickly. 

Depression Affects My Job Hunting

The depression that is fueled by rejection and the monotony of job hunting is a deep-rooted one. Then, until I am offered a job, as hard as I fight off the defeated feelings, depression still lingers like a little devil on my shoulder, similar to the ones in cartoons. 

Once the depression sets in, I experience a flippant attitude and feeling of hopelessness that tend to co-exist with my depression. Next, I do not care about perfecting my applications or motivating myself to apply for jobs. Yet, in the back of my mind, I know that if I don't submit multiple applications, I will never find new employment. As a result, I cannot support myself and my kids with even the basic needs. 

These thoughts then push me over the edge, and I begin my spiral into a dark space that is even more difficult to climb out of. Some of my lowest of lows have been precipitated by job hunting. How can I avoid this? 

Coping Skills for Depression Caused by Job Hunting

One of the most important things to remember when searching for a job is to be proactive with coping skills. Admittedly, I need to remind myself of this at least once a week. It is easy to get lost in the virtual world of job boards. I have been down many rabbit holes when scrolling through employment postings. 

My coping skills for job-seeking have to be strong. For instance, I will play relaxing music in the background while I work. Other examples are taking short breaks throughout the process or having sweet snacks in hand while sprucing up my resume.

Regardless, there are times when even my most solid coping skills are not enough. This is when I need to be mindful and know I must walk away. I must close the laptop and put it away for the rest of the day to recalibrate my emotional energy. 

All in all, one of the most humbling experiences of my 40s has been job hunting. My age is a factor, and the skills I thought I excelled at need improvement. I look back at my education and skills experience and wonder why I am not getting interviews. Job hunting has tested my coping skills. Some days are better than others.

I would love to hear if any of you have advice or coping skills you have used to avoid becoming depressed when job hunting. 

We Need to Talk About Eating Disorder Treatment Barriers

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It took me several years of personal growth and cultural awareness to realize there are systemic barriers to eating disorder treatment. My battle with anorexia was painful and tumultuous, but access to therapeutic interventions made the healing journey feel possible. While I am immensely grateful for this, I also cannot brush aside another conspicuous reality.

Eating disorder treatment methods were conventionally built for the patients like me—and that’s a serious problem. This harrowing mental illness can hook its claws into anyone, so we need to talk about eating disorder treatment barriers in order to make healing resources more accessible and inclusive for all sufferers out there.

Becoming Aware of Eating Disorder Treatment Barriers

When I entered the intake office of an eating disorder treatment facility in 2010, the admission process began immediately. As a sick teenager, this felt too overwhelming to comprehend, but now as an adult, I recognize that my illness was taken seriously because I resembled a common anorexic stereotype. I was visibly frail, gaunt, weak, and malnourished—not to mention, White and privately insured through both of my parents. 

That privilege fast-tracked me into a secure therapeutic environment, which ultimately helped me recover. But others are not as fortunate due to archaic stigmas or harmful eating disorder treatment barriers. Not everyone has financial or logistical access to the resources and assistance I received almost 15 years ago, and this inequity can lead to severe consequences. 

The Need to Confront Eating Disorder Treatment Barriers

Eating disorders are some of the most fatal psychiatric conditions, but over 80 percent of those who suffer do so without any clinical intervention.1  Members of marginalized communities are often the most vulnerable to eating disorder treatment barriers. To give just one example, youth of Color in low-socioeconomic areas are less than two-thirds as likely to undergo treatment as their White peers. Even worse, many receive no diagnosis at all. 

These illnesses do not discriminate—all races, ethnicities, genders, sexual orientations, body sizes, age brackets, and physical abilities can be susceptible to eating disorder behaviors. As such, healing measures must reflect the specific needs of these various demographics, whose unique stories and experiences intrinsically matter. When we talk about eating disorder treatment barriers in our wider mainstream society, we can then mobilize to start dismantling them.

Sources:

  1. Fitzsimmons-Craft, E., et al (2019). Adolescents and young adults engaged with pro-eating disorder social media: eating disorder and co-morbid psychopathology, health care utilization, treatment barriers, and opinions on harnessing technology for treatment. Eating and Weight Disorders, 25(6). https://doi.org/10.1007/s40519-019-00808-3
  2. Moreno, R., et al (2023). Disparities in access to eating disorders treatment for publicly-insured youth and youth of color: a retrospective cohort study. Journal of Eating Disorders, 11(1). https://doi.org/10.1186/s40337-022-00730-7

Verbal Abuse of Retail and Service Workers

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Verbal abuse can happen anywhere, at any time. Unfortunately, retail and service workers are often the target of verbal abuse. No one deserves to be called names, insulted, or threatened, especially while doing their job. Sadly, verbal abuse of retail and service workers is becoming more frequent in many restaurants and stores.

Have you ever been angry because a fast-food restaurant got your order wrong? Were you frustrated because you couldn't find a sales associate to help you with an item? It's perfectly natural to have these feelings when facing challenging circumstances. However, using your anger and frustration on the employee isn't the way to solve the problem. 

Retail and Service Workers Don't Deserve Verbal Abuse

Everyone makes mistakes during their lifetime. No one is perfect while performing their job. Sometimes, retail and service workers will get a food order wrong or cannot fill a request you need. Although not ideal, these situations don't allow you to resort to verbal abuse. 

More public places display posters stating that verbal abuse will not be tolerated. These posters remind people to monitor their reactions when dealing with retail and service workers. These visual signs also help to reinforce any consequences the business may follow if one of its staff is the target of verbal abuse

When I worked in the food industry, there were no posters to tell our customers to be civil to the employees. I was the target of regular verbal abuse when an order was packaged wrong, the change was incorrect, or something else upset the customer. Some awful statements I've heard through the years included:

  • How hard is it to get my coffee right? You gotta be stupid to forget the cream/sugar.
  • I didn't get the right change. Can't you count properly? Did you drop out of school?
  • If you can't do your job properly, I need to talk to your manager.

There Is No Reason for Verbal Abuse at Restaurants or Retail Stores

The world has many job types, allowing everyone to explore different skills. One thing I've noticed working in the food service industry is how some customers view the job. I've been talked down to in some situations because the customers felt they were smarter than me. They didn't find it necessary to treat others courteously, regardless of their position. 

Thankfully, I had some terrific bosses who reinforced our value and worth to the business. Without the employees, these companies wouldn't be successful.

I regularly share my experience in the food industry with my family and friends. I want everyone to understand that the people who serve your coffee or work the cash registers at big box stores are human beings deserving of respect. They are not there for you to verbally abuse, even if there's a problem during your visit.

If we all take a moment to take a breath when something upsets us, we can help lessen the effects of verbal abuse on retail and service workers. 

Coping Skills I Use for My Schizoaffective Disorder Symptoms

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Trigger warning: This post involves a frank discussion of suicidal thoughts.

One thing I’ve learned about having schizoaffective disorder is how to use coping skills for my symptoms. Some of the skills I’ve developed myself, and some I’ve learned in therapy. Here are some of the coping skills I’ve learned for the symptoms of my schizoaffective disorder.

Coping with the Schizoaffective Symptom of Hearing Voices

Probably the most bothersome and pervasive symptom of my schizoaffective disorder was hearing voices, and I learned coping skills to calm them down. I say “was hearing voices” because I don’t hear them anymore, thanks to a change in my medication a few years ago. But when I did have this schizoaffective symptom, my coping “skill” was to chain smoke. Well, then I quit smoking. I tried some other things, and I always took an as-needed antianxiety medication prescribed by my doctor. I would listen to relaxing music and go on Facebook. In 2016, because of the election, Facebook became a nasty place and has remained so. I suspect it will turn nastier with this year’s election, so it’s a good thing I don’t hear voices anymore and don’t need it. At any rate, in 2016 I also switched to watching soothing movies to calm the voices.

I want to note here that when I got knee replacement surgery last year, the narcotic painkiller I took briefly made me hear voices again, but they were different. They weren’t as intrusive. They didn’t suck up my whole consciousness. They sounded like a radio or TV was playing in another room, instead of screaming at me and making me feel like my head was in a fog. Since I’m off the narcotic, I don’t hear them anymore. I don’t hear voices at all and hope they never come back.

Coping with Schizoaffective Suicidal Thoughts

I’ve learned coping skills for the schizoaffective symptom of having suicidal thoughts as well. I used to go to the emergency room, which is a perfectly good way of dealing with suicidal thoughts. But then I developed other coping skills for this symptom of schizoaffective disorder. The biggest breakthrough, which happened recently, was realizing that the suicidal thoughts were intrusive and that I didn’t want to act on them. I didn’t have a plan. Also, I’ve never actually tried to die by suicide. So, now when I have suicidal thoughts, I call my mom or my therapist, I give myself a time out, I take a bath or go for a walk if it’s nice out.

I encourage myself to live through the moment, that things will probably feel better in 10 minutes. Recently, I’ve been playing the piano. The last time I went to the emergency room for suicidal thoughts was a long time ago, a few months after the 2016 presidential election. Going to the ER is an excellent way to deal with suicidal thoughts, and, who knows, I might end up in the ER again. But that’s better than ending up dead.

So, those are some of my coping skills. What are yours? Please leave them in the comments.

 

If you feel that you may hurt yourself or someone else, call 9-1-1 immediately.

For more information on suicide, see our suicide information, resources, and support section. For additional mental health help, please see our mental health hotline numbers and referral information section.

Process Your Feelings from Trauma to Manage Anxiety

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When you are constantly anxious, it is hard to confront traumatic experiences and process the emotions that are associated with them. What can end up happening as a result is that you may avoid dealing with the situation.

For example, you might avoid talking about it with someone, so when it is brought up, you sidestep any discussion about it. Or, if you come into contact with a trigger, you try to find a way to avoid confronting it. Or, you just try, as best as you can, to avoid any thoughts associated with the experience.

Why It Is Important to Process the Trauma from Negative Experiences

Experiencing trauma can result in emotional dysregulation; in other words, difficulty regulating emotions like feeling sad, anxious, or angry.1 As a result, emotional dysregulation may result in maladaptive coping behaviors such as compulsive behaviors or engaging in high-risk activities. It can also create a pattern of having difficulty processing emotions, such as experiencing numbness to intense emotions or high levels of anxiety.

In my experience, I have seen the effects of intentionally suppressing emotions associated with trauma. I've found that the anxiety I experience can sometimes be lessened by processing emotions that are associated with experiences that I have gone through. Sometimes, I would prefer not to think about them, and even perhaps pretend that they didn't happen.

However, the problem with that is that the impact of not processing trauma can lead to problems dispersed throughout your mental and physical health. For example, some symptoms that have been linked to stress associated with trauma include sleep disturbances, cardiovascular concerns, and neurological issues.1

How to Cope With Anxiety Related to Trauma

First of all, in my experience, I've found that traumatic events are difficult to put a finger on because they are inherently subjective. How we experience traumatic incidents depends on several different factors, and I've had to go through quite a bit of self-reflection to think about events that have impacted my anxiety.

Therapy helps process emotions associated with trauma and is helpful for embarking on a path to healing. I've found that therapy provides me with feelings of safety that allow me to be vulnerable when my inclination may be to avoid any emotions that cause discomfort.

Other helpful strategies I've found include journaling and practicing mindfulness meditation. Mindfulness meditation, in particular, seems to be quite helpful for me to calm the physiological symptoms I experience.

I think it is also important to remember that there is no specific timeline for processing emotions related to trauma. This may take time, and I've found that self-awareness is a great place to start.

Below is a video in which I discuss the importance of processing emotions associated with traumatic experiences. If this is something you have experienced and dealt with regarding your anxiety, share the strategies you use to cope in the comments below.

Source:

  1. Treatment, C. F. S. A. (2014). Understanding the impact of trauma. Trauma-Informed Care in Behavioral Health Services - NCBI Bookshelf. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK207191/

How to Cope When People Can't Pronounce Your Name Correctly

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Do you feel frustrated when people can't pronounce your name correctly? I can relate because my name is unique, and most people mispronounce it. Worse, instead of learning the correct pronunciation, they conveniently shorten or change it without my consent. If people can't pronounce your name correctly, read on to know how you can cope with the consequent distress.

What It Feels Like When No One Can Pronounce Your Name Correctly

Picture this scenario: you walk into a room full of strangers and personally introduce yourself to every individual. Most people struggle to get your name right the first time, and they ask you to repeat it a few times. You have no problem doing so because you get it: your name is hard to pronounce. What bothers you is when people throw up their hands, declare they give up, and decide that they are going to give you an "easier" name. 

The above scenario is something that happens to me frequently, and if you have a rare or ethnic name, chances are high that it happens to you as well. More than a lack of effort, the blatant disregard for my identity gets to me. Our names are a vital part of our identity, and someone not even trying to get them right signals that they don't respect us. As a result, I get annoyed when people can't pronounce my name correctly after I have corrected them multiple times. And I get angry with anyone entitled enough to give me a new name simply because they can't be bothered to learn my real name. 

Coping When People Can't Pronounce Your Name Correctly

It has and will keep happening, so we might as well learn to cope with people not being able to pronounce our names. Why, we should use it to our advantage. For example, as a form of self-respect and boundary setting, I filter out people who don't say my name right, even after multiple corrections. When I distance myself from individuals who don't bother to pronounce my name correctly, I prioritize those who value and respect me for who I am. 

Also, I often correct people who can't pronounce my name correctly, even when they haven't asked me to do so. By holding people accountable for saying my name correctly, I help promote cultural appreciation and sensitivity. After all, a name marks one's cultural identity and must be respected, no matter how unusual it sounds. It is hard to be assertive, especially in this regard, but it gets a little easier each time I do it. And if I, a shy introvert, can stand up for myself, so can you.