Feeling hopeless and only mysef to blame

I am in my apartment now and my mood is between low to medium low. I have feelings of anxiety and anger in the background and I started smoking cigarettes again. I have lapses in judgment and motivation because I have a great feeling on angst that pervades everything I do right now. I am just recovering from a seven month lapse in which I ate what I wanted and did nothing but vegetate in my apartment. I am now paying the price of being overweight a gain and losing the support of the Community Options group over at EGH because of lack of contact. To me, it is a symptom of my illness but I don't blame any one but myself as most of the people I have come to know since my suicide attempt have been very concerned and helpful toward me. I just can't seem to control myself at times and so I lose continuity. I find myself behind the eight ball again and again. I can only say that it my own fault. The help is definitely out there but if I go off on these periods of denial and avoidance, well no one can help. Am I the only one who has this problem? Is there anyone else out there that has these types of lapses as well? I feel that I am totally responsible for these actions and so I blame myself and hate myself and believe that I am a bad person who deserves what I get. One can see how I would feel anxiety and deep anger and since I fail to stay on the right track I reinforce the negative feelings I have about myself and that is no good. I think I need a life coach who can help me make the right decisions and to keep my on the ball, but I know such a thing is impossible.