Zara's journey... Footprints in the snow...

Hello everyone, I am not sure what i hope to gain from this except maybe support and encouragement .. the two things that i really am in desperate need of. you can only hear "stop being so silly" so many times. or.. why dont you go and see a counsellor.. (i would if they would only get back to me!) I have been fighting the depression demon on and off since i was 15 years old. (i am 21 now..) and have to say that in march of this year i really thought i had seen the last of it... well. for the first time in years i believed it. i had come to the end of 6 months of counselling. thrown my feelings out in the open. hit rock bottom and crawled my way back up. the 8 months following that, which brings us up to now. i forced myself to turn into a "yes girl" taking on new challenges .. trying new things that i wouldnt have dreamt of last year... i started to wear dresses and skirts again, girly tops.. make up.. and danced in public for the first time. (+ went on holiday on my own out of choice and loved it!) i started to feel valued and as though i was wanted and needed and even attractive to guys.. when before i just assumed ugly duckling status.. now . my one true vice is change. for some reason i just cant handle it. so when i went into work and got told of a big change (for me personally) i immediately got tearful but thought .. no. i am not going to let this knock me. but then got told that this change would happen in less than two weeks. so.. okay. big change and short amount of time.. i can handle it. (positive thinking was a new part of me to).. okay.. but then big change, short amount of time. and then the new people you work with deeming you as "different" , ignoring you. not even making an effort for the sake of making an effort. i soon went from happy and having aims for things like .. applying for a more senior position.. to going home and crying each night. but at the same time not daring to tell anyone as they knew i was bad with change so assumed automatic write off. 2 weeks of this and i rang my counsellor.. who i still havent heard from as recognised that i was going downhill quite quickly. anyway. it all came to a head last monday when.. due to illness or whatever excuse i am going to use here. i burst into tears at work and uncontrollable crying. ended up having a meeting with my manager and 2 other senior members of staff. not to mention the person who i believed the issue was with. that evening i went the doctors and got diagnosed with a viral infection so havent been to work since. tommorow is my first day back and feel physically sick when i think about it.. i am terrified of the thoughts and feeligns that have reappeared so quickly after i really thought i had put them behind me.. i really feel lost.