errr more rambles

How do I feel... well I thought it was all getting sensible, and calming down, but I haven't stopped.... now I have & had a couple of glasses of wine the demons are loosed again.... OK far more under control than a few weeks back..... because I scared myself stupid....but they are still there. So I suppose one should sort out what the demons are..... well... I hate being made to be responsible, for me or any one else....I work on a 'what will be' philosophy... I take responsibility for MY actions and MINE alone....everything else happens. The trouble is I feel responsible for others, I can't help it, although I recognise when I do it, I still get hurt. What I feel at the core is anger, so much anger... at life, at anyone who crosses me and mine. All I want is to just be..... Though they are far less clamourous thsn they once were I still have issues with my mother...I see her - yet part of me still cries out for an explanation of WHY she stayed with my father after I told what happened... for 5 years. And I am also aware that it took a stranger's testimony to convince her to leave him, rather than mine. This pisses me off... quite a lot. I really do not know where our relationship will end up though part of me suspects after I lose my grandmother (on my Mum's side) All hell will break loose..... My Gran is most of the reason I haven't vented off at my mum. So... following on from this....I hate I can't fix my husband's problems..... and I hate having to deal with his parents on his behalf, I find it increasingly difficult, when I am dealing with his current mental condition that was caused by his mother, yet I have to talk to her now.... I am good at playing the actor card... I am a trained drama student....but in real life it costs. I have played this role since I was 4.... when my father started to abuse me... but now something in me screams NO - ENOUGH I will play no longer... I have been through some therapy, I did think that was it, now I realise I need a bit more as the partner of a person with mental illness. My issues are not resolved either. As for the children, well... they are 19 & 21, not exactly kids any more... and I know I can't make their decisions. We have always been here & supported but can do no more than that. More demonms of responsibility.... but I think now... my responsibility is to keep well, keep sane, be who I am and be the best I can be. I can't do more than that, I have no more to offer.