My Physical Abuse, Domestic Violence Stories

Domestic Abuse / Domestic Violence Stories

I wanted to share my domestic abuse story in the hopes that even ONE PERSON benefits from what I experienced. The emotional and mental abuse survivor stories below are there to help you think about your present situation; to let you know you are not alone and to help everyone recognize the different faces of domestic violence. There are also tips from people on how they got out of their domestic abuse situation.

I think it's important that we all speak up. Hopefully, this site will help SOMEONE out of a similar situation. Here are some of the stories that have been shared with me:

Tommie -
Comments - Ray and I have been married for 24 years. Things have been bad between us for a while. It always feels like and push and pull contest. Ray threatened to Baker Act me and in a state of fear and anxiety, I did it to myself. I was afraid, suspicious and angry. I have had to drop out of school three times. I put Ray through college. He went to Amsterdam on vacation after he had filled out a statement to the police department and had me arrested for domestic violence. The argument was about Ray coming home late. He showed up after drinking a glass of wine in the parking lot at Walmart. An argument ensued. I believe in honesty and solving problems in the privacy of your own home. I believe in marriage and that God sees all things. Ray filled out a statement to keep from going to jail. He sold his wife, friend, and lover down the river. I am now on probation. Ray will not admit that he is a verbal, mental, and emotional abuser. He uses money as a control. I have let myself become financially dependent on Ray. We used to be friends. Now, it's like I have to be careful about everything I say and do. I don't want to leave.

Ray will not change. It's like a spiritual battle. We both want to be ourselves. He won't go to lunch with me. I am not allowed to visit him at work. He gives me no information about his finances. He's moved his checking account. He will not reimburse me for money that I spent to get the house fixed up for refinance and yet he wants his money. He pays the mortgage and the utilities and thinks that this gives him the right to be verbally abusive. I have often wanted to call Dr. Phil and have them videotape our conversations. Ray does not think that he ever does anything wrong. It is hard for me to work and concentrate at school. I am intelligent and attractive. I wish I knew how to turn us around once and for all. It is hard to live with the possibility of going to jail because you are not allowed to argue or defend your position and right to be respected. I want to be financially independent and am seeking full-time employment in a non-commissioned job. I pray continuously. We have good days. I enjoy those. Pray for us.

Anne -
Comments - First off, I don't know if I am being abused, but I know that I feel very used! Ab- used (not used right?). There is no affection in my marriage, no help around the house ever, my kids can't stand my husband, their stepdad because they see things he does that make them think that he isn't nice to me. He harasses the animals we have and even complimented his son for doing the same thing. The cats run away from him literally. He leaves to go play golf if I can't think of anything "fun" to do. He buys things for himself with money but criticizes me if I buy something for the family. He accuses me of always wanting to leave him and has threatened divorce.

He backed me into a corner with accusations and lies and I lashed out and hit him. I admit to my anger and have made great strides in controlling it. I believe that the many things my husband does or doesn't do have contributed to my anger problem, but he says that it is all my fault. He wants me to speak my mind but when I do he criticizes me. I have quit talking about anything important to me. He tries to control conversations and usually turns the conversation into an argument or finds something to accuse me of. I often cannot think and have to leave when he starts talking because the subject always changes into something I don't want to talk about. He often forces me to talk and gets mad if I walk away. Sex? At least he doesn't force that but claims that his impotency problems are my fault.

Am I being abused or am I just a whiner? I cry at least once a day. I abuse myself rather than lash out anymore. His first wife left him because she claimed that he was abusive. I was her friend but didn't believe her. Now I am more apt to believe her than him. We have been married almost a year and I have been subjected to pain I never thought existed. I have no self-esteem anymore. It is around somewhere because I had a lot when I was a single mom and somewhat successful as a daycare provider. Now he says he doesn't trust me with his son. Hmmmm.... Any comments?

Karin -
Comments - my story is unbelievable well to me it is.I met my partner three years ago i was a friend of his former wife who died before we got together he was lovely and charming until the day i moved in with him he pushed me in to do that,i can't have a phone in the bedroom he doesn't like me walking down a certain path in case i see my ex if i go out during the day he has followed me accused me of seeing other people or my ex i have been out twice with my friends in three years the last time at Christmas was awful he took an overdose two weeks later he gets so mad at me he bangs his head on the walls at weekend he kicked the kitchen cupboard in because my friend brought me a kitten that was being abandoned and i kept it he went crazy because he hadn't given his permission also he doesn't like my friend coming round, once i was walking down the road and he drove onto the pavement at me i was terrified, if i go out he has to run me wherever i want to go and pick me up, he once said if i left he would strangle me he is going for counseling but i don't think it will help do you, i went to women's aid and they were great but i stopped going i feel like i let them down and don't like going back i thought he was getting better,we are having to move house soon because he doesn't like it here its to close to people i know i am dreading it i know something will happen soon i hope next time i have the guts to get out i just don't feel me anymore.is always saying he wants to die sometimes i wish he would,he erased numbers off my mobile that i get accused of all sorts if i take it out i am forty years old with three children the youngest his i try i really do he expects me to love him i feel dead inside i don't even cry anymore

sabin -
Comments - so about my marriage my mother-in-law wanted me to call her every day to tell her what i had done all day. If i did not she got upset at my family. She did not approve of my wedding arrangements, did not approve of my relatives, did not like the fact that i was very interested in my family and relatives. On the 21st of May,2002, she told my sister to find a new friend to replace me because i am married to her son now and no longer in need of my sister. My sister is no longer my family. My husband and his mother told me how my family takes advantage of me and how they have wasted my life.I am not a nice person because of my family.I should only talk to professionals. When i complained i was told i was an ungrateful bitch.My husband told me that he bought me from the ghettos to live in a big million dollar home. Yet all i did was complain.I did not deserve the food i ate, the clothes i wore.I did not deserve what he gave me. Nobody would want to marry me i was lucky he married me. things he said to me: I have a very big vagina big for 3 penises at one time so the next guy will throw me out next morning Since i cannot give him sex as he wants my family should replace me with my younger sister. It is my family's duty to exchange my sister instead of me since i cannot satisfy him HE always wanted a threesome me and his Dutch girlfriend and him I would be instantly terminated if i am pregnant with a baby girl. But if i am pregnant with a boy i can stay. I will be officially accepted as his wife by his family. I was constantly put down by his mother because i did not come up to her standards of the perfect daughter-in-law: I did not get up early enough to clean the house, to give her a hot oil massage. I cleaned and mopped the kitchen, the bathrooms, the bedrooms and the office.

Everything was spotless but it was not good enough for his mother. I ironed the family's clothes did their laundry, washed their dirty dishes.I could not eat until he was satisfied with his food.If he did not like it he made me eat it and told his family not to touch my food He cursed my family, me ,said we had no integrity, no dignity .I made one mistake of talking to his friend's wife and asking her for advise on my problems.I was punished for that.I needed to be disciplined according to him.I was under constant surveillance and everything i did was monitored. I was forced to shovel and clean the driveway and the deck in the severe winter steorm of february even though i had a bad flue.My husband cursed me for being a lazy bitch and for making it an excuse for not wanting to work.I suffered the flue for 3 weeks after that.I was not allowed rest and medications.He did not allow me to sleep on the same room with him while i was sick. Outside the library he punched me and pushed me against the wall because he thought i was chatting with some guy in the library.He cursed my family and threatenned to terminate me.People saw this and just walked by.Nobody came to my help. He went to party with his family leaving me alone in the house. I was not allowed to attend their private parties because i was nt sophisticated enough. 'What is your net worth?' he always asked me.H e said things will improve if i start practising as a physician or i give him a boy. I really wanted a baby i thought a baby will save the MArriage.He told me i was illegal so i could not work or apply for a job.He said i needed to give his family 5 years for them to trust me. He said the FBI was looking for me and the only way safe for me was to live with him.He said if my parents even came close to his house he will have them arrested. I was his personal property ,my parents did not own me. He said he had life insurance on me if i left him he gets $250.000 but if he dies his life insurance money goes to the family trust .I dont get any share of that.He made me sign a postnuptial according t which i cannot recieve any form of spousal benefit.He said he woll make me sign a paper which will give him full parental custody of a child when i am pregnant. I lived with him for 9 months i still did not have the house keys.My name was not even on the house or the car.I could not even get a driver's licence.I was not allowed to learn driving because i did not need to go out. I was not given any money. Whatever i wanted i had to tell his mother or my husband to buy for me. I was not allowed to eat cake, chocolate, nuts, and certain fruit i could not sleep until he wanted me to sleep be it 1 am or 4 am.sometimes he wanted to do some home projects so i was supposed to work with him like cleaning his tools, arranging and putting things together till 4 am in the morning.I could not sleep because we were the home team.Once i slept at 10 pm while he was still working on his PROPERTY. He woke me up from sleep and accused me of taking drugs and told me to leave his house. He threatened to leave me ,he threatened to kill me. he threatened to expose me, he threatened to deport me. He said i only wasted his time .The minute he has evidence against me i will be instantly terminated.His favorite term: instant termination. He said he has my nude pictures on the internet on a website called 'hotsabin.com' his mother told me i was a bad example for the younger sons because she wanted them to marry into traditional pakistani families while i was totally opposite of that.Whatever i did was not good enough.I tried hard ,very hard but they were always finding faults in me. I could not even sit in the bedroom with the door closed because they thought it was too disrespectful. I have made many mistakes in this marriage..i should never have gone back to him...i should have left the first time he slapped me...i should have had him arrested..i am so depressed and pray to God to help me with all this. On march 25, 2003 he told me to leave his house because according to his resources i was on a special contraceptive injection.No mater what i said he did not believe me.I was a lier, a thief, a traitor, an unfaithful bitch.He kicked me on my face...i found out later i was pregnant...i did not know then.Although he did not kick my stomach .But i was unable to save the baby.I had thought of other options but deep down inside i did want the baby.I did not get anything from this marriage. I know whatever happened for the best ..the baby would have had to face many difficulties in life.. The saddest part of all this is that even after all that happened i still care for my husband.I did not get him arrested because i loved him.I was confused and wanted my marriage to work.But now i have decided not to go back.I am going to recover and not repeat the mistake twice. Thank you for listening to me sabin My advice to others trying to getout of the situation is to document everything he says to you.Try to record on tape the next time he abuses you.Don't think it will get better .The chances of him changing are zero.

jewlie -
Comments - My relationship only lasted 5 months with a man who I believed suffers from bipolar disorder. His mental illness turned my life upside down. I met him in January 2003. I noticed him in a bar, standing by himself, looking a little awkward and uneasy. I watched him for a while and decided I like the way he looked. He was a good-looking man, nice build and sweet smile. I wondered why he stood there all alone? Buying him that first drink was the beginning of months filled with abuse and violence. I didn't see him too much in the first few months after we met. We would spend weekends together. I hated when he had to go. We had so much fun together and I always looked forward to the next time I saw him. He was very affectionate and attentive. It wasn't until March that I started noticing some unusual mood swings. And not just mood swings where someone is moody or miserable. I was either wonderful or perfect or evil and rotten. There never seemed to be a middle ground with him. I later learned that people who are bipolar are highly intolerant and unable to deal with the gray area in life. He was incredibly needy and emotionally dependant on me, needing constant reassurance, which I just couldn't give. Maybe because I am an independent person, who likes time alone and doesn't need other people compliments to keep me strong. I got him to see a doctor about his mood swings, he was diagnosed with depression and prescribed an antidepressant. The physical abuse started shortly after. The abuse always seemed worse when there was alcohol involved. We were at a bar having some drinks and I had decided to go and talk with a doorman who I used to work with ten years ago. My ex lost his mind. He told me I was being disrespectful and wondered how I could leave him standing there all alone. He slammed his glass into the wall, tearing off the top of his thumb. There was blood everywhere, I was trying to help stop the bleeding but he was yelling at me to get away from him. I calmed him down enough to get him into a cab and headed home. That was one night I should have left on my own. He was screaming and yelling at me in the cab about the horrible crime I had committed by talking to an old friend. He wondered how I could have disrespected him like that. He spit in my face and wrapped his fingers around my neck. I punched him clear in the face but received the exact same back along my jawbone. The next weekend was less violent; he mostly just tried to intimidate me. He showed his power by breaking my cordless phone, smashing it to the floor and kicked in my car destroying the front console. After that it only got worse. It was near the end of March and he was very upset that I didn't want to have sex with him. It was difficult to be affectionate and loving to someone who was constantly verbally abusive. I told him I'd sleep on the couch. That was fine with him - for about ten minutes. I knew he wouldn't stay in the bedroom because he never really sleeps. He approached me screaming and yelling, swearing and degrading about how I was his girlfriend and he should be allowed to have sex with me anywhere at anytime. He opened one beer after another, spraying each all over my apartment. My walls, cupboards, mirrors and floors were drenched in beer. I tried to run out the door but only got half way up the steps before I felt a hand on my arm. Before I knew it I was being pulled down my cement steps by my hair and pushed back into my apartment. He demanded I sleep in the bed. I didn't want to, I just wanted to go to sleep. It felt like I hadn't slept in months already. He broke my keyboard into two pieces just to make sure I understood who was in control. He made me perform oral sex on him as I cried and begged him not to make me do it. I though if I just complied with his wishes, he would let me finally go to sleep. It was already 5am and I was exhausted. The next two weeks were quiet. We decided to head out to a bar to play pool. I put some money down on the pool table and joined him at the bar for some drinks. I was up next so I got up and put my money in the table. I called for him to join me but he was in a conversation with someone at the bar. I decided to play by myself. I put my drink on a table where sat a black man and a chinese man. I finished my game only to look up and see him standing there, watching me. He walked out of the bar. I followed to see what I'd done to upset him now. He started screaming about how I wanted the black guy and how much he detested them. His kick nearly broke the headlight on my car. I ran and hid for awhile. I could see him pacing the parking lot, getting more agitated by the second. I had to find a way to my car, to get out - but I knew he would make it back to my house and things would be even worse.

So I got in my car and picked him up. He was furious. He kicked in the windshield and passenger side window, kicked in the console of my car breaking the dashboard, ashtray and heater vents. He also stripped my parking break. He was always irritated and full of anxiety and always thought I was cheating or interested in everyone else but him. He would become angry if he thought I was making eye contact with someone. He was very insecure, constantly looking at himself in mirrors to make sure he looked ok. His need for attention was almost unbearable. He fed this need by flirting with females in bars. Sure he was a good-looking man and his first impressions were impressive. It impressed me. His soft-spoken words and crooked smile drew people to him. It was amazing to me to see the real him. The scared, pathetic, insecure little five-year-old boy who would pester me or pout until he got his way. I work with children with autism and was taught to ignore attention seeking behaviour - When I would ignore his bad behaviour it just seemed to infuriate him more. This behaviour management wasn't working for me. He always told me that he wished I didn't have a past. This way he didn't have to deal with any of the things I did back then. He was incredibly jealous. His insecurities made him do terrible things. He searched through my drawers, finding pictures and letters from my ex-boyfriend. Always wondering why I kept all the baggage. Baggage? I want my memories. I was forced to tear up every remaining memory of my past relationship. He would check my cell phone to see who had called, wondering if I spoke with any men. He made me delete old friends from my phone believing that I was having affairs with them. He loved to get high on crack yet hid it from me for the first few months. After having far too much to drink one night, he forced me to drive to my bank to withdraw $40.00 so he could buy crack. I gave him the money hoping he would just get out of my car and I could go home. He threw my keys into a gated lot where I had to crawl under a fence to retrieve them. As I drove away a flying kick almost broke my passenger side window again. It was usually quiet through the week. It was the weekends where the cycle of violence always increased. This time he broke my camera, tv converter, ripped bed sheets as well as punched me in the neck, chest and ribs, leaving bruises for days. I think my rib has just recently healed. He threatened on more than one occasion that if I tried to call the police or have anyone help bad things would happen to my family and me. He threatened to stab my cat, pour Lysol in my fish tank, burn me in my apartment and made threats to my ex-boyfriend and close friend. I guess threatening me made him feel powerful. He stole two credit cards and personal cheques, trying to cash $400.00. It all ended the last weekend in May 2003. After being forcibly confined to my apartment for 2 days, beaten and sexually assaulted, I was finally released to the police. I broke down and cried as I held my swollen head. I couldn't wash my hair for days because of the pain he had caused in the previous 48 hours. He hadn't slept in three days and had taken a total of 26 paxils. He stripped me of my clothes and made me sleep in the small space in between the wall and the bed. My head pounding from where he had punched me and pulled my hair. He kept my hair wrapped around his wrist for hours in fear that I would try and leave or call for help. I did try and leave a few times but I was caught and brought back into the apartment. I thought it was in my best interest to just do what he said hoping to end the violence. He urinated on me and made me lay in the bed, now cold and soaking wet. He didn't care how I felt. I guess he never really did. The final moments of that weekend will be forever embedded in my mind. His hand over my mouth and nose, trying to keep me from screaming. I couldn't scream, every breath I took was a breath for air. I pulled his fingers away from my mouth, cutting my nose with my fingernail, wanting to scream but gasped for air instead. I felt like I was drowning. The phone rang. It was my landlords upstairs, wanting to know if I was ok, that they had heard screaming. He got scared, took my car keys and left. I've read a lot about sexual assult. I was sure it didn't happan to me. Sex that isn't forcible but the person feels afraid and gives in to prevent more harm is Sexual Assult and it is a crime. I know that now. He ran for 2 weeks before the police found him. Making numerous phone calls every day to me. Taunting me that he had my car, scaring me, making me run from one home to another. 17 charges in all were laid from uttering death threats to sexual assult. I've read articles about severely abusive men. It states they likely had been raised in a violent home, in which his parents hit him as well as each other. I remember him telling me stories from his childhood, all of them made me shudder. It went on to tell that his own aggressive, disobedient behaviour during his youth contributed to the development of an Antisocial Personality Disorder as an adult. He probably had a long history of impulsive behaviour including motor vehicle infractions (he lost his licence for DUI), substance abuse (he abused crack cocaine and alcohol), and impulsive violence. He always worried about other men being interested in me, and, importantly, felt justified in using force to keep me under his control. His internal chaos with bipolar emotions often gave him the desperate need to control external events, situations and people because his internal world was so out of control. The external control gave him the sense of stability he lacked internally. If he didn't get his way he would resort to manipulation, episodes of raging or physical threats to get it. This created constant anxiety and fear in my life. He lacked self-soothing skills, unable to calm himself; he looked to me for this. He wanted me to put everything aside and tend to his needs yet became resentful and enraged when our relationship failed to meet his every need. He always felt sad and empty. He told me a few times he didn't want to get out of bed because the world is so scary. The more I read about bipolar disorder the more I understood what was going on in his mind. I know that abusive relationship expectations usually include demands for constant attention, frequent sex, and a requirement that you spend all your free time with the person, or give up everything else in your life. Because these expectations are based in the chemical/emotional imbalance, no matter how much I gave, it was never enough. He used to tell me when he didn't talk to be for a few days, I would disappear. He needed constant reassurance that I was still there and yes I loved him. If I was unavailable or busy he would become enraged triggering deep-seated abandonment. I read that people who are bipolar unconsciously seek out partners who have difficulty enforcing their boundaries or expressing their anger. I am a very passive person. Always have been. But waiting for the next drastic mood change or sudden emotional outburst kept me on edge, full of anxiety, unsettled and off balance. I started to hate the life I once loved so much. I believe he would disassociate during episodes of raging. Simple problems or issues were frequently blown out of proportion to crisis status. He was addicted to drama and loved the excitement. It's been 2 weeks since his arrest and I am still receiving harassing phone calls. One minute he is telling me how scared he is and how much he loves me and the next call is the threat that when he gets out of jail and my life is happy, he will be there, to ruin it for me. I think it will be a very long time before I can move on and trust again. I am angry that this man has taken my uncomplicated life and turned it into a total and utter mess. Everything I am, he said I wasn't. All the good things I did for him weren't enough. But I am strong and will survive and I know who I am. It's just sad that it had to come to this when all I really wanted out of this relationship was to get him the help he desperately needs.

vicki -
Comments - My daughter has been married for a year to a verbal abuser. He makes her feel really awful and makes snide comments about her publicly to his family and even to my family. I had a phone conversation/argument with him the other day and he was trying to do the same thing to me. He was using every single vulnerability he thought could bother me and even said I am not a Christian or a good mother!

Lex Lukester -
Comments - It had been going on for years but I didn't realize it. Plus, I was Catholic and felt strongly against divorce. Oh, yeah, I almost forgot, I'm a man. We always did what she wanted and when she wanted it. From sex to weekend plans. If I wanted to go out with the guys, I had to get permission first. I'm not talking about going to strip clubs and getting blind drunk. I'm talking about watching a game on tv, working on a car. That sort of thing. My career has always been very important to me. She, on many occasions, told me not to look, that we couldn't move, to stick with a bad job or bad boss. She would frequently fly into rages, screaming, yelling, cursing, making things up, accusing me falsely. Then days later she would be all lovey-dovey. I could never predict which person she'd be. I have the disease Major Depression. I've been on medication for it since 1992. Somewhere around 1997, it started getting worse. It culminated in a suicide attempt in 2002. I'm fine now and the disease is being controlled. Guess what? She wasn't sympathetic or supportive. Instead she seized the opportunity to take control, to dominate. The topper: In April of 2002, I was laid off. I had been continuously employed for 24 years prior to that. No layoffs or firings. Needless to say, it was a huge hit to my ego. It took 15 months to find a job. During the unemployment period, she regularly falsely accused me of not looking hard enough for a job. She told me repeatedly that I had changed (but would never say how). Suddenly, the money became "her money". She was major breadwinner now. Yet, I still got a small pension every month and for six months I got the maximum unemployment benefit allowed by Texas. Every time I wanted to spend a bit of money, she turned me down. One example: I signed up for an informational class. The fee was $125. I got the instructor to let me pay it $25 per month. After the first month, she told me to cancel. Yet when it came to things for her and my 3 teenage daughters, she always found the money for it. She asked me to leave and told me to leave on many occasions. She never said why. This terrified me. I had no income and nowhere to go. I was most afraid of how I would get my medicine (I'm on about 8 prescriptions daily). This really scared me, almost to death. The clincher came when she told me she didn't love me anymore. She never said that she loved me without me asking first. A couple of times, she responded "I'll have to think about it". So, is this emotional, verbal and/or mental abuse? I think so. After the last "I don't love you", I said that as soon as I got a job, I would move out and file for divorce. Then, I had two hot job prospects going on. Interviews. Very positive feedback. So I started my plan. I got a post office box so I could have things mailed to me that I didn't want her to know about. Since she controlled the money, I had to find a source that she didn't know about. Then I remembered that we had account for the kids where I was the custodian. I closed those accounts and opened a checking account at a bank. So far, I hadn't taken any action that was not reversible. Then came the day when I got a job offer! I knew I could implement the rest of the plan. I hired an attorney. Then I went looking for an apartment. Before I started the job, I had to go out of town for an interview on the other one. The day after I got back, I filed for divorce. I told her that I would be out by the end of the week. The period after I moved out has been ok but with some rough spots. She still tries to abuse me, on the phone or in person. I have had to keep a distance between the daughters and me because anything I say to one of the girls, gets back to her and becomes fodder for more abuse. The divorce is plodding along. It sure seems like I will get screwed. No one will consider the abuse, not my lawyer, not the judge. All they focus on is that I make 4 times what she does. I have absolutely no problem with paying to support the kids. Well, that's the up to date news. I'm feeling fine now, better than I have in a long time. I wish anyone who reads this, the best of health and much happiness.

kym hodges -
Comments - i was in a relatoinship for 4 years he was very sweet into he started to control where i went and what i did. when i found out i was pergant he went into a rage. he said did'nt want any kids he said that they would take up all my time. i was afraid for my life and my unborn child. he would slap, choke,and throw me around iwas only 109 pounds. one time he put me in the icu ihad my babyit was a girl he loves my child very much . were not together any more but we still communacate for my childs shake.
Tara - Tkrall@honorfinance.com
Comments - I met my husband in high school when I was 17 years old. I am now 28 and have just gotten the nerve to leave him. Our relationship has always been rocky, lots of arguments, but it really went downhill when we got married. He has always verbally abused me (slut, bitch, cunt, whore, dumb, idiot, brainless, useless, etc.) But once we got married the constant criticizing started. From the way I ate, or did dishes, washed clothes, the way I looked, even the way I laughed. I felt like a constant irritation to him. I could do nothing right, ever. It got to the point where I stop talking. To anyone. I hated myself. I felt like a ghost. Then he started to poke, pinch, push, slap, punch me. He has beat every part of my body and NEVER once apologized. This is my 4th time leaving him. I have been gone 3 weeks. I have opened my own checking account, paid an attorney to file for divorce and am currently looking for an apartment. My family and friends have been my support system as well as anti depressants a support group and a therapist. If you think you are in an abusive relationship, you are and you must leave. Like I said before, this is my fourth time leaving. It only gets worse. I am finally getting some strength and looking forward to a life of peace. Take care all.

"" -
Comments - Three weeks ago I got the nerve to leave my boyfriend. It was a year and eight months of abuse. physical emotional and then sexual. We had a baby and he was responsible for her death. That was four months ago and I still coudn't leave him. I made myself believe it was my fault. His excuse for the physical was because i had a "big mouth". The emotinal because he was weak. The sexual because he thought I was cheating on him. The irony is he was cheating on me. He met her two weeks after our baby died. What I want everyone to know is that I know I didn't desrve it .I didn't ask for it, and I stayed because deep down inside I was afraid. Afraid that no one would love me because I was stupid, fat ugly, mean. I'm not.I can't help that I loved him that I still do. Even if I cry because I miss him, and because I wonder why he didn't love me, and if there is something really wrong with me that I didn't even deserve the scum of the Earth. I'm proud of me because I'm not there anymore, and I haven't gone back this time. I'm proud because I'm only 19 and I've been through hell and back and I'm still standing. I'm still alive scarred but alive, and he isn't going to be the first and last thing I think of every day. I'm proud of me even if no one else is.

jesse -
Comments - i was in a relationship that lasted,24 years...dysfunctional but is took place. I tryed to make it work for 18 years,but it didnt ...i tryed everything,including looking the other way and minding my own business.. for 18 years ,,my wife did infidelity and did it on a regular basis..then she would come home after i went out and found her and brougth her home and fixed her up.looking the other way would have been easy but she would push into my face the fact that i would get high and find other women..i told her before i started recovery that was true of both of us..thats way i stopped getting high..its been 15 years since i did that kind of thing..but she keeps making me pay for it...everyday.. well then one day she ended up finding a man and staying with him...i could not take it anymore...i tryed to talk her into staying and leaving this guy.she wouldnt..it was hard i took the kids and raised them the best i could. i took a job and went to school and raised my kids...there were three of them..i ended up finally divorcing her and getting into another dysfunctional marriage,i left one to get into another. as soon as i got involved with this women she had me quitting my job and moving to another state,and beginging anew.which i did..first thing she did was change her name to my name ,then she put her name on my bank account and put me on her account..then to make me feel good she gave me her card and told me to hang on to it..only problems ,,not much in the account.she also had me doing alot of things at first didnt seem wrong as time came and went it did seem wrong things like cleaning house and doing dishes ,,rubbing her back and never rubbing mine..as soon as i got a job my check would go to her..it would all go into bills and thats it..i didnt see any of my money at all. after 2 years..iam trying to get out,but its hard ,because i really do care about her andlove her and her 4 kids..butshe is to controling to me.. as i write this ,,iam leaving out the door and i really dont know if i can stay away ,,since ive been away 10 times before..my wife has everyone believing that iam the one who is dysfunctional and not her...now iam finally doing it ..my clergy and allthe church admin believes that iam a nut case ,for being married to her.they ask her way is she with me..even her kids say that..so iam leaving now ,but its hard.real hard..but after reading your stories ,,i knew i could get out..now iam...bye...

s58i -
Comments - i get beaten up by my little sister. i get nightmares and can't get to sleep. someone SAVE me!!!

Jayne -
Comments - I wish i had a break free story to tell. i'll instead tell you what happened just one hour ago. my live in boyfriend has a tendency to be dishonest. he was gone until late last night while i was sick (i'm pregnant with his child) at home. when i called him for a favor to drive somewhere, he told me he couldn't talk because he was on the other line on an important phone call. when he came home, i was curious and looked into his phone to see who he was talking to. he had deleted his call log. so i broke into his cell phone account on line and found out who he was talking to - which turned out to be an ex girlfriend. he had talked to her for almost two hours. after confronting him, he demanded that I tell him who is giving me the information, accusing me of sleeping with someone from the cell phone company. when i told him that i did it online, he forced me to show him how i did it. i refused. he hit me multiple times with a pillow across my head and insisted that i had a choice of showing him my resources or to continue getting hit. when i still wouldnt show him, he continued to slam the pillow across my head. during the ordeal, he has shoved me, grabbed my face and pushed it, and called me MANY, MANY names. He has even brought up the fact that the child i'm pregnant with is not his. he won't give me my house key back, because he said that he'll keep the key until he's READY to move all his things out. I don't know what to do without calling the police, i think it will make him hate me more. can anyone give some kind of advice?

Gina -
Comments - To anyone that is reading this, I hope my situation helps you break away from a bad relationship. i have lived with a man substantially younger than me for the past 16 months. It started out wonderfully, and gradually, every time i walked out of the door to just be with my friends, he would accuse me of cheating and call me over and over again on my cell phone. I just took it as flattery at the beginning, because i thought he cared about me and wanted to know where i was and the fact that he was worried about me cheating in my mind, meant that he was just concerned. Well, very rapidly, things began to worsen. I couldnt' leave the house at all without being accused, so i stopped going anywhere just to avoid the confrontation. When the holidays came around, i just stayed home, because at least i knew that i wouldn't be accused of cheating. As time went by, i couldn't even take a shower without being accused of "getting ready to go out and get laid". I would have to shower when he was at work, just so i didn't have to hear about it. He would hide or throw away all my makeup and perfume, hide all my clothes and he would actually hit me if he didn't like something that i had on. to make matters worse, for my birthday, i received two beautiful kittens from a dear friend of mine, they were barely 10 weeks old. i gave them much attention and i think he didn't like that so, first he killed the female and the next day when i went to the grocery store, he beat the little boy with a hammer. i finally called the police. that was the end of my straw. i always thought it was my fault, because he would call me fat and ugly and old. and he would never show me any affection what so ever. he would leave me stranded at work, take my car and i would have to get rides home or take a cab. he would withhold any affection, he would withhold sex and he would check my cell phone everyday, but the funny part was, he would do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted and i better not say anything, or he would push me or hit me. i thought that i was weak because i would try to do anything to make things better, but i then figured out that it wasn't my fault, and there wasn't a thing i could do to make it better. the problem was that i loved him, no matter what he did. but, eventually you wake up. THANK GOD and you see that its not you, its them. if anyone would like to contact me at any time, please do so. i would love to talk to anyone that wants to talk, i don't judge people. being in an abusive relationship has taught me alot. #1 don't judge a book by its cover, it can be very deceiving.

Billy -
Comments - My girlfriend rapes and beats me. i got free then she shuved a dildo up my tooshie. Now it's over and I just wanted every man to know how brutally swollen my anis was. My mom thought she was a nice girl. And i was extremly attractive. but then she turned me on like a vicious dog and now my mom and her are having a relationship im so scared theyre going to gang up on me and shove dildos in my tooshie. They go shopping everyday i hope the dont buy a bigger one that before! but she didnt need to rape me!

Holly Cox -
Comments - I do not believe that you received my follow up: So I'll try again. I would love to tell you about my history with Domestic Abuse and the Cycle as well as my part as an Advocate. Right now, however, as an advocate and the Executive Director of a Domestic Violence/Crisis Center, I am about to confront this issue head on and need some help. We have suffered another death at the hands of DV. I am wondering how much effort would it have taken for a police officer to make a call to me to let me know that there was a victim who needed my help.... But I never got a phone call from a police officer, as a matter of fact, I have NEVER gotten a call from any law enforcement agency for my assistance in linking them to aide for a victim. NOT ONCE! No wonder the rate for DV has increased in the past twenty years. Anyone got anything to add.... Nicole Brown Simpson can no longer speak for herself...

no sirry boba -
Comments - i just told him to shut the heck up and i left
 

Chloe* -
Comments - since i was about five years old my mum was popping pills and getting drunk all the time when she came home from the pub she would come into my room and blame me for my parents seperation because she had me when she was just 14. she would walk up to my bed and pull me up by my hair and smah my head with the beer bottles and spit on me calling me filthy names, i would be so scared i would start peeing myself. when i was about ten, i picked up a knife and stabbed my mum in the leg, i dropped the knife and ran, since then i have lived on the streets as a prostitute and a drug addict but only know after i found out i have aids i have decided to change my life as a born again christian

karen -
Comments - I filed for divorce 9/3/03 after a 25 year marriage. He threw coffee cups, remote controls, shoved and exercise bike through a wall, three dresser drawers, cussed me , flipped me the bird, left me in a downtown metropolitan area alone at night, hit me, Theatened me with a baseball bat, threatened my children, yelled, repeatedly told me I needed to see a physciatrist, said I provoked him, ripped counter stripping of counter, threw saucers that stuck in walls, crushed potato chips all over carpet, squeezd all toothpaste out of tube, threated to divorce and leave me until I took him up on it, then told me I was sick, depressed mentally ill. Drove fast and frightened me when mad. Threatened his own life, pulled his own hair, stuffed rags into his mouth. Broke a family sign with all our names on it. Broke my quilt rack, knocked curio cabinets off walls. Hung up on me repeatedly. He broke towel rods and ripped shirt apart. I know what it sounds like when every button on a shirt hits the wall as it pops off. Now I'm living separate with my kids and going to counseling and Divorce Care at at Baptist church. Our final hearing is Dec. 23,2003. I have alot of pain and he and his mother are begging me to return home. THis is hard. But I know the way he treated me was not love. It was abuse. I don't know why sometimes I feel sorry for him and his lonliness. I wish I didn't.

Cecilia Alegria -
Comments - It was love at first sight with him.I knew that he was a psycho jealous person from the very biginning, but stayed becuase I loved him. It started our with all of the classic symptoms of an unhealth relationship, and quickly got worse. Even though I was married to him, was with him all day and every day, and was pregnant with his child, I was still forced to walk with my head down in public so "no one would look at me" and so "I wouldn't look at anyone." Nothing I ever did was right. If it was just him and I alone, we never fought and we got along great as long as nothing from my past was never brought up. Then, when I got tired of keeping my mouth shut and would hit back, it got worse. He has punched me while I was pregnant, threatened my life, tried to suffocate me twice, slapped me, put a knife to my throat, and all of this in front of our 3 year old daughter. All these instances happened numerous times. I put up with it for 4 years trusting his every vow that he would change because he loved me so much. Then he tried to strangle me for trying to leave him. Throughout these 4 years I never kept my mouth shut. I always made as big of a deal about it as necessary. Both of out families knew about it. I would cry to my friends and family, and his family would try to correct his horrible habbits, but I would still stay because I loved him so much. I never believed that I was in any "real" danger becuase he never actually beat me black and blue. So I'd stay,continue to put up with the emotional abuse, and accept every apology and promise. When I serously decided to leave him was when we were having one of our usual fights, and I didn't only look into my daughter's eyes, but I "saw" her. I saw how much it hurt her little innocent heart to see the two people that she loved the most in the whole world treating each other like that. She would yell at him for pushing me,and would yell at me for yelling at him. Poor thing didn't know who to root for.She had been caught in the middle since before she was born. No matter how much I loved that man, I loved my daughter so much more and refused to let him and I put her through that toument any longer. But police and protective orders don't always work. You need to get tough and speak up. But since I wasn't tough, I'm lucky it didn't get worse than it did. Thank God that I didn't stay with him long enough to make him do anything stupid to himself, to me, or to our daughter. And I also thank God that I had my friends, and family there to help me throught it all. My boyfriend was the one that helped me the most.He was there for me when even my parents didn't know what to do. He took me in and protected me from him, and is helping me raise my daughter as if she was his own. My daughter's father has become a better daddy since I left him, and is still a constant in her life which is all I ever wanted. Although he still threatens my boyfriend and I and wants me back, I know that he is slowly but surely moving on with his life,and I hope he will be happy with whoever he ends up with. I will always love him, and we will always be there for each other if we ever need anything. Things are slowly getting to the way they should be. No one can convince you to leave anyone, and not just anyone can change. You need to find it within yourself to believe that you don't deserve it. You let it happen in the biginning, so you're the only one who can truly make it stop.

lila -
Comments - i was beat by my dog repeatedly. i did not mean to crap in his doghouse. i am sorry. i think he should be prosecuted and fixed so i cannot get pregnant. thank you

leigh -
Comments - i feel that my situation is different from other's because my abuse is dealing with my father. it is complete mental and emotional abuse that has drive men so far in the past that i tried to commit suicide. my dad is very very religious so that is also messed up, but he has a narcississtic personality. if anyone has similar situations please e-mail me

Erica Wiggins -
Comments - once upon a time, you loved me you wouldn't let me fall. once upon a time, i loved you your word, you said, was true... now your foul face haunts me my nightmares, more frequent i dream of the day you leave me i dream of the day i'm free. you act as those your words dont hurt or maybe you know they will you pierce me with your venom relentless till you kill... my emotions are your game you know me in and out you know my every weakness you'll play that card, no doubt. my mask of security is shattered million pieces on the floor you beat me till I'm battered yet you still go on for more. you can see that i am breaking you can see that i hate life you can see my pain arising you can see me grab this knife you know my soul so well your advantage, i can't beat you stab at my vulnerability All I want is to be free.... free of my insecurity free of your vicious eyes free of this complexity... yet freedom will be as i die you've pushed me over the edge you've won your stupid game you've gained support from outsiders as you trashed and humiliated my name no one sees your evil no one sees your flaws to busy being what they are animals, addicted to claw they're brainwashed beasts blinded to who I am. he says I should die their conscience wont even ask why sharks in a pool the smell of fresh new blood attacking viciously at my heart hungry; as they my soul apart. the master of deception watches contently at afar he finds it all so amusing as my name and body's scarred my life passes before my eyes as i see his hunger grow i realize now he'll never stop until my blood, stains his snow i used to think i deserved this my mistakes were all but clear but now i see its murder and this is what i fear: my life is all but ended there's nothing i can do once I'm gone I'm worthless but your form, will stay true you'll find another victim an innocent soul at that trap them in your warped games and keep them like a rat you experiment with their reactions laugh at them as they cry cry for their escape cry for their own lives... you suck the soul out of them just as you did to me you take away their honour you take their humanity As I see him scar them I wish I could convey he doesn't stop abusing until you walk away. now we see you for what you are but its all over and done we lie upon the shattered glass your icy whisper says... "i won"

mel -
Comments - ok you people probably think im selfish, i havent personally been abused but for 3 years i had to watch my mother be beaten every day. i felt that was hard enough alone i couldnt bare to think what my mother was going through. her then boyfriend would come home eat his dinner (thats if it was good enough if it wasnt we would know) and then beat her till she couldnt breath. when this was happening i knew i had to be strong for my mum because if she knew i was upset she would feel she had failed me, even though i was old enough to know it wasnt her fault and victims of this abuse are unable to do anything about it, i knew i had to help my mum, but june 2002 i had nearly lost my mum 4 times twice when she was beaten really bad and twice due to her taking an overdose she just gave up, i dread the thought of me not finding her in time, i still remember standing at the top of my stairs when the ambulance came i had froze, i didnt know what to do, i couldnt lose my mum not now, she had been so strong for so long. i havent got a father my dad walked out on me when i was just 4 so i never really got a bond with him like i have with my mother and if i lost her i would have nothing. luckily my mum pulled through and she is now as well as can be expected, although she has ibs due to the stress caused (irritable bowel syndrome). me on the other hand i am coping i suppose, i find i have literally no confidence what so ever i wont leave the house on my own and if i do its to go somewhere very close. people tell me im a pretty girl and im intelligent but when i look in the mirror i see the girl who didnt help her mum who let it happen, i could of done something but never did, but its gettin better before i was down 24/7 today i am feelin better about myself i am goin to college in september to meet new people and currently seeing someone which i didnt think i ever would as i was scared the same would happen to me as what happened to my mum, but trust is everything, just be careful who it is you start trusting, if you read this thankyou so much, knowin someone knows what im goin through who dont know me and cant judge me makes me feel better in myself, and 4 anyone who is a victim of abuse dont hesitate to call the police if you are scared dont be they will keep you safe and make you happier aas a person, also there are counsillers out there who give it their all to help you if you can see sum1 they are your friends! luv ya all and take care xXx.

Jean -
Comments - My abuse is at the workplace. My supervisor threatens to fire me if I open my mouth about her to her superior's. She also said I am not authorized to talk with her superior's for any reason. I put in a request for time off (vacation leave) twice in two years. Each time she makes negative comments on them . This time it said Jean - Do not approve anyone else for this time frame. Obviously, with staffing shortags everyone is not going to get what they want. Joyce My department does not have a staffing shortage but we anticipate one person retiring. She lied to me and said the personnel department is holding up the paperwork to fill the item. When I questioned personnel, they said they did not know anyone was retiring. Joyce never spoke with them. When I confronted her she said her superiors will probably not be filling the position as items are not being filled anymore. (This too, was her mind playing tricks). She wanted my staff to be trained to work in the mail room even though it was out of title. I am a Telecommunications Analyst. She said I have to work in mail room when a clerk is out. I believe she does this to demean me and other people I supervise. She goes past me to my employees and orders them to do things like keeping logs of the calls they receive on the switchboard with no explanation why leaving employees feeling threatened about their jobs. She makes the mailroom clerks count the boxes again doing the same type of threat to them. She, herself told me she was abused by her father so now we suffer the consequences of her not getting appropriate counseling for herself. If we go to management above her, nothing seems to change and she is supported and believed when she tells lies about people which she tells me about others. Going over her supervisor is another abusive employer who has already been to court several times for the same thing. Any advice? Any guidelines? Any way I can document and prove my case better to stop this torture? I believe because of her my blood pressure is high. When she became my supervisor and I had to deal with her abuse I got palpitations, and high blood pressure. I had cancer in the past and am afraid the stress may trigger it again. Please help me by giving some advice.

- shemickaevans
Comments - I really need a break free tip. I have been with the same man for about 8 years, since the age of 19. I have two children, 6 and 4, both boys. I have not really been physically abuse because he tried and I always seem to win!! It is more verbal, I am cheating on him, ( with everyone from my brothers to the neighborhood drunk!!). I have tried leaving him several times but he just follows me. He will slash my tire to prevent me from leaving. He will stand outside my home at 3 o clock bamming on the door for me to let him in. He insult me in front of his friends and has no respect for me and I have suffered because of it. I smoke cigarettes heavily, my hair is falling out, I has lost wieght, I have ulcers and I get migraine headache on a regular basis and now I am starting to drink more than the usual for myself. He even went to the lengths of trying to kidnapped our son. The children love him but I don't. I am tired of him and I really need help. I am so scared that he might hurt me or my children. I know that I said that he has not been physically abusive but that could all change. My uncle, who is a pastor, told me that I am sitting on a ticking time bomb and I believe him. Please give me some help on want I can do. I do not want to go to a women's shelter because I have a section 8 voucher and can move anywhere in the state. I JUST NEED HELP!! PLEASE!!! I really want away from the man. I am afraid that my children will grow up to have the same attitude that women are only good for one thing and yes he tells my children that. His mother watched him slap me one time and she locked me out of her house because she did not want to get involved, but someone needs to. The only time I get away from him is in when I go to school. And since it is my "fault" that he does not have a job he babysits. I am barely making ends met. But I would do anything to get as far away from him as I can!!! Maybe you can help by giving me some websites that have houses that accept section 8 and while I am at school I could be making preparations to get my children and myself away from this man.

Josephine Thompson -
Comments - I lived with an extremely violent abuser for almost 14 years; I reached bottom at the 12 year mark, overcame suicidal impulse, proceeded to grow--he proceeded to intensify attacks. I fled for my life with 5 children in 1987. After the horrendous ordeal of realizing the depth of harm done to us; I rebuilt, gained education and after years of work as a Trainer and domestic violence counselor I am giving back for all victims: TORN FROM the INSIDE OUT, domestive violence narrative memoir.

cirrus -
Comments - PLEASE HELP ME TO UNDERSTAND MY FATHER.HE IS 59 YEARS OLD. MY FATHER WAS THE ONLY CHILD.HIS PARENTS WERE TOO PROTECTIVE TOWARD HIM.WHEN SOMBODY DIED IN HIS TOWN HIS PARENTS WOULD MOVE HIM IN ANOTHER VILLAGE SO HE WOULD NOT SEE PEOPLE CRY.WHEN HE WAS A CHILD HE STABBED HIMSELF IN THE EYE AND FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE HE HAD A PROBLEM WITH SELFRESPECT AND CONFIDENCE.HE GOT MARRIED AND HAD ME AND MY SISTER.ALL HIS LIFE HE REPEATED TO US THAT WE ARE ALL HE HAS: HIS DAUGHETERS, SISTERS, FRIENDS....HE WAS VERY POSSESIVE TOWARD US-NO BOYFRIENDS. I HAD THE FIRST BOYFRIEND WHEN I WAS 20 YEARS OLD.WHEN I HAD A PROBLEM AND WANTED TO TALK TO HIM HE WOULD JUMP AND CURL ON THE BED SCREAMING. HE WOULD CALL ME NAMES, WE WOULD USUALLY FIGHT, HE WOULD BEAT ME USUALLY WITH HIS BELT OR HANDS. ONCE I WENT TO SCHOOL WITH THE IMPRESSION OF HIS HAND ON MY FACE.ONCE HE GRABBED HIS GENITALS (THROUGH HIS PANTS)AND SAID HE IS GOING TO PEE ON ME.MY MOTHER WOULD ALWAYS SIT ON THE SIDE NOT TELLING ANYTHING, IF SHE WOULD SAY SOMETHING HE WOULD GRAB HIS COAT AND RUN OUT TELLING THAT HE IS LEAVING US. AFTER FEW HOURS HE WOULD COME BACK, TOUGHT. MY MOTHER WOULD TELL ME THAT IT IS ALL MY FAULT THAT WE FOUGHT. HE CHEATED ON MY MOTHER IN FRONT OF US CHILDREN. ONCE OUR FRIEND TOLD US THAT HE OFTEN COMES IN HIS STORE TO PHONE HIS MISTRESS. WHEN HE HAD A CAR ACCIDENT OUR PROMISCUOUS NEIGHBOUR WOULD COME AND STAY WITH HIM AFTER MY MOTHER WENT TO WORK AND US CHILDREN TO SCHOOL.SHE WOULD USUALLY SIT HALF NAKED ON HIS BED WHILE WE CHILDREN WOULD WATCH THAT. WHEN MY FATHER FIND OUT THAT I HAD BOYFRIEND HE WENT CRAZY. HE SAD THAT HE WILL RENOUNCE ME AS HIS DAUGHTER IN LOCAL NEWSPAPERS.HE CALLED ME A WHORE AND HE THREATENED MY BOYFRIEND AND HIS MOTHER. FOR A YEAR HE DID NOT WANT TO TALK TO ME. I DID NOT TELL YOU , BUT HE NEVER PAYED HIS BILLS. HE ASKED US CHILDREN TO LIE TO THE BILL COLLECTORS.WE WOULD LOCK OURSELF IN THE HOUSE AND SHAKE OF THE FEARE WHILE BILL COLECTORS WERE KNOCKING ON THE DOOR. HE IS PHARMACIST AND MY MOTHER WORKS IN THE MILK FACTORY. WHERE ALL THEIR MONEY WENT I STILL DO NOT KNOW. WE LIVED IN BOSNIA AND DURING THE WAR MY FATHER BEHAVED AS A LITTLE CHILD. HE COULD NOT DEAL WITH REALITY. HE WOULD SIT USUALLY CURLED ON THE BED NOT TALKING JUST LOOKING ALL DAY THROUGH THE WINDOW.MY HUSBAND AND I WENT TO CANADA AS REFUGEES, WHERE WE ARE NOW.I CALLED MY MOTHER AND FATHER TO COME AND VISIT US, BUT MY FATHER SAID HE IS AFRAID OF FLYING, THEN LAST YEAR HE TOLD ME TO LOOK FOR HIS VISA , HE IS NOT AFRAID ANY MORE. THEN A FEW MONTHS AGO HE CALLED ME AND SAID TO STOP LOOKING FOR HIS VISA BECAUSE HE IS AFRAID AGAIN.AFTER TALKING WITH THEM ON THE PHONE I AM SHAKING, CRYING AND I AM UPSET FOR HOURS. PLEASE HELP ME TO UNDERSTAND MY FATHER. CIRRUS P.S. I APOLOGIZE IF MY SPELLING IS NOT CORRECT.

Paige -
Comments - I did not fully recognize that I was abused by my ex-husband until I was going through a divorce. Like many people, the word abuse always conjured up images of black eyes and bruises to me. After being married for ten years to a husband who was manipulative, financially controlling, unfaithful and then villifying, I was depressed, disorganised, lacking in self esteem, and feeling very gulity. My ex-husband would coerce me into having sex when I did not want to - my alternative was usually being kept awake and badgered with arguments until my head was spinning and I would say anything to get to sleep. To anyone who has not had someone intentionally deprive you of sleep, I'm sure that this wouldn't sound so horrible, but it was. We owned a business together, from which I never saw cash. He would keep the cash receipts in his wallet, stuff his wallet under his side of the bed at night and remove it to his pocket in the morning. He said that he did this because I was reckless with money - I wore tattered clothes and spent money only on taking care of my family, I never spent money on myself. I started to withdraw to the point where I felt that I was no longer really there for my children. As I withdrew, the criticisms grew fiercer - he started to try to psychoanalize me. At one point he had decided that I was autistic! The more I was criticized, the more responsibility I took on. I was running two of my own businesses and working from pre-dawn to after midnight every day. Because the situation did not happen over night, I had become inured to it all until I was able to step away from the situation when I separated from my husband. What I saw when I took a look back scared me. He scared me. After we separated he started stalking me. He would come into my house when I was not there. On one occasion he stole a check from my check book, on another he stole a great deal of cash. He spied on me, which is something that he also did while we were married, (I believe it was another way of taking control from me). He accosted me in public, screaming obscenities at me. He would pursue me and incite an argument with me - I would be unprepared, terrified, and enraged; on one occasion I did hit him, but I felt that I was defending myself. He later used that against me to say that I was the abusive party. When I went to my lawyer to pursue the divorce I was more concerned with getting away from him than I was with really protecting myself, my children (I had this idea that he was, although a jerk to me, a ggod father) and our future. My lawyer did not recognise that I was under duress and not making sound decisions. I made decisions that are still affecting us today. I gave my ex-husband partial custody of the children, and agreed to pay for half of everything. I gave him the house, and took a cash settlement (from which $25,000 was stolen). Almost three years later I am still struggling. I still have to face his manipulative behavior. I feel helpless, and I believe that my children are suffering because of decisions that I made. My ex-husband receives rent from the property that we had owned together that exceeds my current monthly income. Meanwhile, I am paying rent and struggling every month to make ends meet. When I tried to get child support from him, his lawyer used financial figures that my ex-husband had given him, (which were very loosely footed in reality), to make me out to be a spend crazy, irresponsible and therefore uncaring parent. I never contacted the police or even made any accusations about the money that was missing from my house because I was afraid, (I certain that he had stolen the money), so I was unable to defend myself. At the time that the theft occured I was trying to weigh the damage that would be caused to my children if the situation escalated if I accused their father, against the damage that had been done to me. I was also aware that I was not supposed to have that much money in cash - so what would I have said to the police anyway? I live in an area where the public schools are not very good at all - we usually have the lowest standardized test scores under the American flag. The private schools are very expensive and I would have trouble affording even the cheapest of them. My children's father is driving a new car, and is talking to friends of mine about investing in very expensive commercial property. Meanwhile, I am scraping together enough to keep us fed, clothed, and housed. My ex-husband is saying that he cannot afford to pay the kids' tuition by himself. I did sign agreement to pay for half the tuition, but the reality is that it is not possible. My ex-husband knows this and is now trying to ruin me financially by forcing me to keep the agreement. I am going to try to force him back into mediation to ammend our agreement, but I am not very confident that I will see a fair outcome. I am also concerned about my children's physical well being when they are at their father's. I went to a local family couselling center and was told that it is unlikely that I will be able to get custody of my children. Apparently the courts see a change in custody as usurping parental rights. I can't communicate with my ex-husband. I've tried everything from being firm to being pollyanna. I am concerned for their welfare when they are with their father. When I pick them up from there they are unkempt and exhausted, and they having problems socially and academically. I don't think that being split between two homes mid-school week has been good for them. Their father is not often home and the children are being left either alone or with a not very reputable woman that my ex-husband refers to as "the kids' nanny". When I talk to people about the problems that I have had, sometimes I feel like I am crazy. It isn't possible that anyone would behave this way to another person, or use their children as a weapon. Even now, when I am free of the daily abuse and only having to deal with the residual effects, I need to have affirmation that I'm okay. This really did happen and I am not blowing it out of proportion. It happens to people every day. Recently, a woman with whom I work confided in me that her husband was abusing her. I told her my story, and I was amazed at myself for the good advice that I gave her. I wish that there had been someone there for me when I needed to be told the same things. I gave her a place to stay, and told her not to act or react until she felt that she was safe. I am going to be struggling with these issues for a long time. But, I lived through ten years of degradation and abuse. I'm strong and I'm a good person. My children have a difficult path ahead of them as well. When they get to an age where they start to challenge their father they will probably confront a lot of the same behaviors that I did. I am trying to teach them to be independant and self assured. I think that they are learning right from wrong and they know that they have a safe home with me. When the time comes, I want them to be able to protect themselves. If I could change one thing in my history it would not be to delete the ten years that I was married, but rather to delete the rash decision that I made in regard to custody of my children. I am healing, but now I have to watch them suffer.

pat -
Comments - I HAVE A HUSBAND THAT CALLS ME NAMES AND HE GETS MAD WHEN I TELL HIM TO QUIET POKING ME IN THE REAR END WITH A KIFE HE SAYS I AM JUST PLAYING BUT IT DOES NOT FEEL VERY GOOD SO THEN HE CALLS ME A BITCH AND A HOLE SO WHAT DO I DO ABOUT THAT? THANK YOU PATSY

leah freeman -
Comments - I am twenty-nine years old and was married to an abuser for seven years. The abuse started while we were dating and carried over into our marriage. I was broken down emotionally by him and my self esteem was so low that I allowed him to ridicule me, beat me, rape me and he even brought me to the point of anorexia through all of his mental abuse. I weighed 148 when we got married and by the time I left him I weighed barely 100 lbs. He would make up songs about my weight, "fattie-fattie-boom-ba-laddie" was one of them and he would encourage my son to join in and sing with him. It was a nightmare!!! The final straw for me was when Rob and I had been in our bedroom fighting for over an hour when I looked over my shoulder and saw my seven year old son huddeled over in a fetal position up against our bedroom wall, he had heard everything and was pale as a ghost. It was at that time that I realized I had to get the hell out, if not for myself for at least my Tyler. Bless his heart he was always trying to protect me and a lightbulb went off that day that I didn't care what it took I was going to give my son a normal childhood! So, I started planning my leave, with the help of two friends, I left almost everything material with my ex, but I took my life back. I filed a restraining order, filed for divorce, and fought in court for primary residency, along with putting myself and Tyler in free counseling services, and used a student loan to buy furniture and pay rent, since I had nothing. One year later I am Leah again, not a victim but a person! I won't lie and say it is easy because leaving was the most difficult thing I had ever done, but I gave my son a chance in life and I know for that I am proud of myself and I know he will be forever graeful.

Ketina C. -
Comments - Ottoman continued: After that episode he began to act nice! But I had decided that enough was enough and hatched a plan to leave for once and for all. But he foiled it by insisting that he see me before I leave for church with my mother and that by insisting that he pick me up from church just an hour into service. So, I regrouped this past monday I wasn't feeling well and took a sudfed and took a nap on the futon with that damn cellphone on my chest. Meanwhile I had chicken in the oven on 200. After talking to him the last time an hour goes by but I was sleep. The phone rings but no one is on it and I call him back and he curses me saying hes called ten times and I wouldn't answer the phone. Obviously, something was wrong he the reception and I insisted that it didn't ring. He hung up and I called back he cused me again and then comes through the door five minutes later. He comes in and slaps me twice after I've stated that I don't know what the problem was. Then he insist thatI sit at the table and tell him what is going on. Thinking not that the house has burned down from the chicken in the 200 degree oven but that I'm cheating. A day later I visit my mother to give her a late mothers day gift and hatch my next plan. Wed of this past week she comes and get me out and we barley make it as we leave he pulled up saying what did he do wrong! Abuser's dont think that they do anything wrong!I was feeling hopeless, and lost and like I just couldn't do anything right but it was him not me. I know that I need to be deprogrammed and I can never lose sight of the fact that no matter how much I think I love him his love is possession and that is not love. To breakfree always have a plan of exit and always have your essentials at hand and organized if I had been just 10 minutes later I would not have made it out. I kept everything together planning for weeks to leave just waiting for the right moment to present it self the only thing that got me was I told me mother not to call me so she just came and I didn't have my things at the door but they were still well orgainized. See I couldn't change him when I came back this last time he promised not to touch me again he lied, and his verbal and emotial abuse was just as bad calling me a piece of shi-. Or requireing that I constantly prove my love. Bear in mind as you read this that this man is sober no alchol no drugs............. And I hope that its helps someone to get out......................

Heather Hawthorne -
Comments - i was in a very verbally abusive relationship for about six months.see he lived in Va and i lived in Pa and we only saw each other three times.He is in the navy as well.I don't know where to start.Well it all started with him getting angry over petty situations always making me look like the bad guy.He would flip out if i wanted to go with my friends,family,etc.if i did go he'd call me every hour and believe me i gave him hell for this.But he always made me feel guilty like i need to be home to talk with him at all times.I tried to break it off several times.He would call my house cussing at me my mother and my sister,if i wouldn't talk to him.Then i talked to him "stupid Me".he said i'm sorry i love you i just don't want to lose you.I would feel bad and forgive him everytime.The second time i tried to break away,he told me he'd kill me if he ever saw my whore face again.I was scared because he was going to be home on leave that week.I tried not to worry.Then he was home.He drove by my house every night.I saw him.He would call my house all day and night about every minute.One day while i was home alone he stopped by the house cuz there was no cars here so he probably figured i was the only one home.I went to the door and told him to get out of here or i'd call the police.He just laughed and said they won't do nothing they won't believe you. As i got ready to slam the door in his face he grabbed my arm and slapped me across the face and said that's what you get you nasty whore.Then i called the police but it was too late he was gone.Eventually he was caught and reprimanded.He served no jail time only a slap on the wrist from the navy.After all this he still tried to contact me.I found a way and safely ended this for good.I know feel stronger and wiser.I will never again let a man make me feel like i'm worthless nor tell me how to live.This is my story.

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