Borderline Personality Disorder: A New Definition of Family

I have two baby nephews, who both have managed to wrap me around their fingers before mastering full use thereof. We recently dedicated one of them in a Christian ceremony. Fourteen of us relatives attended, and that still didn't include all the aunts, uncles and grandparents. As my brother said, "They say it takes a village to raise a child--we actually have one!"

Some hear that saying and argue "No, it takes a family." That leads to a question that may be painful for people with borderline personality disorder (BPD): What is a "family?"

[caption id="attachment_396" align="alignnone" width="170" caption="Leon Brocard's photo of two hands forming a heart shape symbolizes love."][/caption]

Rejection and Abuse From "Family" By Blood

According to Wikipedia, many studies have shown a strong correlation between abuse by a caregiver and a person's risk for a BPD diagnosis. The abuse can be physical, emotional, verbal, or sexual. In our culture, few things are more horrific than abuse by a blood relative, especially a parent or grandparent. It is unthinkable that a family member--one who is supposed to love you and care for you--would do the exact opposite.

Yet it happens, and I cringe every time I hear another story of a child's mistreatment. I guess it hits too close to home. When I look at my nephews, when I hold them, I want to do everything I can to be a loving and supportive aunt--even if I have no idea how. I can't understand how anybody could feel any different, especially toward his/her own child.

I have no personal experience in dealing with an evil parent, a parent who abuses the child just because he/she can. While some people say I experienced verbal and emotional abuse growing up, I look back on it and understand it was due to confusion, lack of knowledge and stress. We didn't understand our own feelings, let alone anyone elses, and we didn't know how to communicate.

Ignorance and confusion can be forgiven with time and support. But can one forgive pure evil from someone so close? And who do abuse victims turn to in the meantime?

Love and Acceptance From Non-Relatives

There are many people who are not related to me that I consider my family. My definition of "family" is "a group of people who love and accept each other more than they deserve". In this sense, my closest friends are family. My church is family. They love me. I love them.

These friendship-based families are important regardless of one's relationship with blood relatives. People need each other, and I'd go so far to say that we need at least one friend who is not related to us. We need to have someone to trust not because of a blood tie, but because we've chosen to trust him or her.

We all need love, acceptance, and understanding. They're among the most powerful and profound blessings in this life. If we get them from our family of origin, we are fortunate. If we get them from our family of choice, we are blessed.

Support During Treatment

Managing BPD symptoms is a full-time job for people with BPD. It is aided greatly with the support of family, whether they are related by blood or chosen to walk alongside us.

When I was in the BASE program, staff often invited family members to workshops designed to help them help us. The belief: we needed people we could trust to help us moniter our symptoms. Some of us had helpful family members, some didn't. I don't know about the other patients, but based on my own experience, my family and I became able to communicate. We were finally able to understand the other person's point of view.

People can and do change--I've seen it myself. I've also seen people refuse to change. That's why family relationships can be tricky. That said, we all need people we can call family--we need someone to walk alongside us, someone to love us and someone to let us love them.