Surviving BPD: Part 2

Trigger warning: This post contains a frank discussion of borderline personality disorder and suicide.

Surviving borderline personality disorder (BPD) is no small victory. I am incredibly grateful to myself for choosing life at a time when my pain seemed infinite. Last time I spoke about why I did not consider suicide as a child. This time, I talk about why I did consider suicide as an adult.

Surviving BPD: The Fantasy

Unlike how I felt as a child, the pain of living as an adult with BPD seemed unending. I hadn’t yet learned about the disorder, and I didn’t understand why I was constantly so miserable. This pain had always been there, and I was beginning to assume it always would be. The fantasy of no longer living would bring me an incredible sense of relief and escape. I often used thoughts of suicide as a coping mechanism.

Maybe two years ago, amidst a particularly dreadful BPD low point, I resolved to stop fantasizing and decide on the question of my ongoing existence. I find life of all shapes and sizes precious, and my life is no different. To honor my integrity, I decided that for one whole year, I would do everything a person is “supposed to do” to be happy, including:

• Exercising twice a week
• Getting therapy
• Talking to a doctor about medication
• Regularly meditating
• Reading books on self-help

I planned that if I was still in unbearable pain after consistently doing all of that for a year, I could die with a clean conscience.

Surviving BPD: My Own Savior

I am happy to report that starting therapy and antidepressants quickly and radically improved my quality of life and dissolved any further desire to stop living. I look at this story and am impressed and grateful for who I am at my core. Even at rock bottom, I still committed to putting everything I had into saving myself. I genuinely owe myself my life.

Do you have any experience with suicidal ideation? Let me know in the comments.

If you feel that you may hurt yourself or someone else, call 9-1-1 immediately.

For more information on suicide, see our suicide information, resources, and support section. For additional mental health help, please see our mental health hotline numbers and referral information section.