Rise Of Mental Health Clubs and Metaphysical Fitness Centers

Younger readers may be astounded to learn that physical fitness was not always admired in America, universally acknowledged as the planet’s fattest nation. Oh no! Not so long ago, smoking cigarettes was the very height of chic, pizza was considered a health food, and the ability to drink into oblivion was widely viewed as proof of character. (Extra points were awarded if you woke up in a Tijuana brothel sporting an armadillo tattoo.)

Back then, there were two places where you could find exercise equipment, the YMCA and the weight rooms of prosperous academic institutions. Men who paid attention to their physiques were thought to be fabulously unintelligent, gender-ambivalent, or professional wrestlers; or all three. Women did not engage in any exercise at all other than pushing vacuum cleaners and lifting chubby infants. The early 1980’s saw America embrace fitness the way one imagines Orson Welles would embrace a Boston cream pie. Suddenly, young and old alike found a way to spend exorbitant amounts of money on running, which, up until that point, had been free. Sweating was hot, and in strip malls, industrial parks, and maximum-security prisons; health and fitness facilities, (chrome gleam, slick smart black, and outfitted with televisions to distract wheezing yuppies) dotted the landscape like little temples honoring the concept of physical perfection.

Hanging in Mental Health Clubs and Metaphysical Fitness Centers

Today, mental health consumers and professionals alike are agog and a twitter as they witness a similar phenomenon sweeping the nation like a viral video featuring talking dogs, water skiing squirrels, and chimpanzees playing jazz in nightclubs. There, amidst the decaying remains of once familiar facilities like Blockbuster Video, Borders, and Chumley’s Wombat-On-A-Stick, is rising a whole new kind of retail wonderland; Mental Health Clubs and Metaphysical Fitness Centers.

Targeting the mentally ill, metaphysically unfit consumer on the go, these facilities are designed for maximal comfort, convenience, and sanity. Have a little anxiety you want to exorcise? Do it here, either on your own or with a trainer. Early adapters report working out resentments in under half-an-hour; (cost of broken lamps and mirrors not included). The Fear/Anger Exercycle, which converts unhealthy energy into electricity used to run lights and air conditioning, is one of the most popular pieces of equipment.

Like traditional fitness facilities, Mental Health Clubs and Metaphysical Fitness Centers charge annual membership fees. Deeply discounted lifetime memberships are also offered and strongly recommended since they encourage regular usage over time, and resultant mental health.

Who knows where this social trend may lead? Are T-shirts, movies and music far behind? No way to tell. But, if history is any kind of indicator, one thing is certain. The new hot place for mentally ill singles to mingle, swing and badingle won’t be the psychiatrist’s waiting room – it will be the Mental Health Club and Metaphysical Fitness Center.