Life After Depression Treatment: A New Type of Struggle

Life after depression treatment isn't what I thought it would be. I always thought the depression would fade away after my treatments concluded. Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) had brought me out of a non-functional state. After transitioning to transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS), I was feeling even better. My medications were finally working. I was no longer numb. I was capable of emotion again. At last, it seemed like the depression was finally gone. But life after depression treatment wasn't all roses.

I realized shortly after that the depression was still there. After living with this illness for years, I had developed unhealthy ways of dealing with stress and sadness. Even though the treatments had balanced the chemicals in my brain, they couldn't take away my bad habits.

Bad Habits and Life After Depression Treatment

Negative thinking is the habit I struggle with the most. During the worst of the depression, I would talk myself out of things that I was completely capable of doing. When I was in college, the nights before exams were agony. My anxiety would quickly turn into despair as I told myself how stupid I was and that I wasn't trying hard enough. In the morning, I would stay hidden under the covers rather than going to class, consumed by the negative thoughts.

It was a temporary relief to avoid the stressful situation. Then I would feel guilty for missing class and start hating myself all over again. This was a constant battle. I soon withdrew from classes altogether.

After the depression lessened, I tried to return to school. At the beginning, life after depression treatment seemed to be going smoothly. But as soon as the semester began to get stressful, all the negative thoughts came rushing back. It didn't matter that the ECT and TMS had helped me. I had been struggling with depression for so long, it was an automatic response to berate myself. I told myself I was incapable of doing anything right. Despite being in a better place, I had to drop out again.

Another habit that developed because of the depression is apathy. When I was depressed, I would do things to try and make myself feel better. Things like watching a favorite TV show, going on a drive, or journaling brought me no joy. My mind was being trained to avoid doing anything that usually made me happy.

I thought that after the ECT and TMS, I would immediately jump back into all the things I used to love. Life after depression treatment didn't go that way. I could be having a good day, but nothing sounded fun or interesting. Deep down, I was too scared to try anything for fear that I wouldn't feel happiness. Instead of taking the risk, I chose to lay in bed and stare at the ceiling for hours.

How I Deal with Bad Habits in Life After Depression Treatment

I've come a long way in the two years I've been done with both ECT and TMS. But I still have bad days and struggle with the habits I developed during the worst of the depression.

One thing I've been working on in life after depression treatment is the way I talk to myself. I'm trying to pay attention to what thoughts enter my mind, especially in stressful situations. When I feel the negativity building, I tell myself that those thoughts are false and turn them around to say something positive about myself (Don't Let Toxic Thinking Patterns Rule Your Life). Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. It is still something that I am working on.

To combat the apathy, I've been forcing myself to do things that used to interest me. Writing this article is an example. I love to write, but it’s so hard to get myself started. I may not feel like it, but I make myself do it anyways. Many times, I start to enjoy myself as soon as I get over that initial hump of actually starting.

Bad habits are a part of my struggle with depression. I can work hard to break them and hopefully get close to the peaceful place I strive towards. They may always be there, but I know I can find strategies to combat them. It's part of the healing process.