Lonely or Just Alone?

There are people who think loneliness and children with psychiatric illness go hand in hand in a vicious circle--a child's illness causes him to withdraw; his withdrawal causes society to retreat from him even further. There are others who define themselves as introverts and insist they are not "mentally ill," they are "just" introverts.

Which came first--the introverted chicken, or the mentally ill egg?

At Bob's parent/teacher conference last week, his teacher mentioned he still struggles with participating as part of the class. She mentioned examples--he prefers to sit at his desk or in a chair while the rest of the students are in group on the floor; he often likes to sit in a back "quiet corner" to work, rather than at his desk (the desks are grouped in pods of six).

This isn't news to me. I've noticed Bob tends to be a loner. In the past, his violent outbursts scared his peers. Never sure what to expect from Bob, they eventually started to keep their distance. On the other hand, kids seem to gravitate toward him, and understandably so--he is, all parental prejudice aside, a physically attractive kid. He also has a wicked sense of humor and seems to have a sense of knowing about him. Kids may be intimidated by him, but they are also drawn to him.

It isn't just other kids keeping away from Bob--Bob tends to prefer being alone. He has a very low tolerance for what he considers ignorance. His peers irritate him. Where his classmates might gravitate toward him, Bob gravitates toward older boys. Unfortunately, despite his intelligence and sophisticated sense of humor, Bob is still relatively immature, a turn-off for older kids.

Is Bob alone because of his psychiatric illnesses (bipolar disorder and ADHD), or would he be lonely without them? Is he lonely at all, or does he prefer his own company to that of anyone else?

I think the answer is compound. There are facets of Bob's illness that cause him to withdraw from others and vice versa. At times, that mutual withdrawal can cause him to feel lonely. However, other parts of Bob's personality don't mesh with a high volume of social interaction, causing him to crave solitude.

As he grows older, I can see him already coming to terms with these traits in himself. He's already figured out when to suck it up and join the group (i.e., at school) and when he can gracefully bow out of it. He's learning how to let people in while keeping them at a safe arm's length. Hopefully he'll continue to hone these skills as he matures, and be able to find a balance.