Family Birthday Celebration Too Stressful for Mentally Ill Child

This weekend, Bob turns 10 years old. A momentous occasion, for sure--why haven't I been in the mood to celebrate?

Aside from it being tough to get into party-planning a for someone who has acted anything but party-worthy...parties and Bob don't mix.

Bob (whose diagnoses include bipolar disorder and ADHD) has problems with any situation outside the norm. Holidays and birthday parties quickly become disastrous in his presence. I have a large family and our gatherings tend toward chaos. We're used to it. Bob is not.

Traditionally, we've celebrated "BobDay" with a hot dog roast at our house, with mixed results. Last year, I splurged on a party at a well-known pizza-and-games franchise. It went well, from a Bob perspective--even though the venue was noisy and chaotic, he was more or less able to move at his own speed (high) and do his own thing with little human interaction.

With money being tighter this year, I'd suggested keeping the celebration low-key, perhaps a day trip and dinner at his favorite restaurant. He wasn't interested and insisted on the traditional hot dog roast.

Within 30 minutes of the party's start, I found Bob in our family room watching television--alone. I encouraged him to come outside since it was, after all, his party. In retrospect, I probably should have let him stay put.

He was argumentative and hateful most of the day. He did manage to say "thank you" (with prompting) while opening his gifts, but that was the extent of his courtesies. When I told him I'd forgotten marshmallows and wouldn't be going out to get some, he burst into tears and told me thanks for "ruining my party." When his uncle told him to come inside per my husband's instruction, Bob responded with hateful remarks and lewd gestures.

It was not unlike a birthday party for a petulant 3-year-old. Except my petulant 3-year-old was actually better behaved at his own party last spring. I have already decided this will be the last of the big family birthday parties for Bob--next year, we'll stick with my day-trip/dinner idea.

When you have children, you want their childhoods to include all the best things you remember from your own--including holiday and birthday traditions. When your child lives with psychiatric illness, those traditions may seem possible when they really aren't. Bob appears capable of handling a family gathering for a few hours, but he isn't. Slowly but surely, I'm making that realization and learning not all traditions can be kept.

One of the hardest parts of Life With Bob has been letting go of the child I thought I had and accepting the one I have. Big traditional family birthday parties are part of that. It's sad he can't have the parties I enjoyed so much--for me. If they're miserable for him, what's the point?

We'll keep the rest of his birthdays on the tame side. I can save the big family parties for myself.