Is It Normal To Pull Away From Friendships After Trauma?

After trauma, the number one thing I hear survivors say is, “I just want things to go back to the way they were.” That’s a normal wish and desire. Before trauma, you felt a sense of safety, security, surety and certainty that made you feel like you understood the world and your place in it. Even if your trauma happened so early that you can’t remember life before it, the idea of safety holds true.

Of course, you can’t go back to who you were or could have been before. You can only go forward to discover the new you.

How Friendships Change in the PTSD World

For just a minute, take stock of yourself today. What defines who you are? What are the top three qualities about you that sum up the gist of how you experience the world each day? After a trauma and with posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) symptoms, the definition of you and those qualities that shape your daily experience can become super trauma-focused. Describing how you feel you might use go-to words like anxiety, panic, fear, trepidation, unease, discomfort, uncertainty and danger.

Now, take a look around at the friends you’ve known since before your trauma. What defines them? What qualities shape their daily experience of the world? What words would they use to define how they feel? Right away you’ll probably begin seeing a big difference between you and the people you hang with. That’s okay; some people still belong as part of your post-trauma tribe even if they have a different daily experience. In fact, they may belong because of that! And then, there will be others who don’t belong because they are unequipped to step into your post-trauma world.

Supporting someone after trauma can be challenging. For many people, dealing with the trauma of a friend is enormously unsettling; often they can’t handle it. They don’t know how to relate to the changes they see in you, are uncomfortable with the vulnerability your experience brings up in them, and don’t have the patience to move as slowly and carefully in your friendship as recovery requires.

If you ever look at your pre-trauma friends and think, “Who are these people?” you’re not alone. In fact, this is a common experience for survivors. Trauma changes you. Your perspective, perceptions, priorities, values, philosophies and life strategies all undergo post-trauma transformation as your brain works to quell the chaos, incorporate the learning experience and formulate a plan to live with all the new, unexpected and uncomfortable knowledge you now have. As a result of this transformation many things about you shift:

• Your relationship to the world at large has changed. What you thought you knew, believed or could count on has dramatically altered. With your new perspective you see things like danger, threat and hurt where others may not.
• Your relationship to yourself has changed. What you thought was funny, fun or exciting pre-trauma may not be so interesting anymore. Today, your focus may have shifted to an entirely new landscape; one that is foreign to those who haven’t peeked behind the veil of trauma and seen what you have seen about life, death, victimhood and survival.

All of the changes in you lead to this: It’s only natural that your relationships to your friends have changed too. You may look at some friends and wonder what you ever saw in them. You may try to keep up with their (your old) lifestyle and discover it no longer holds any appeal to you. Or, you may reach out to them for support and find them self-centered or just completely unable or unwilling to relate to you now.

Happy and Sad Truths about Friendships after Trauma

There are both happy and sad truths about friendships after trauma. The happy truth is that some friendships will be strengthened because of the transformation you’re going through. Some friends will rise to the challenge, step into this frightening space with you and walk beside you as you find your new way. These are the friendships that you discover were holding the potential to be deeper, more meaningful and more supportive in your life than you previously knew.

The sad truth is that some friendships will have to be released. There are some friends you’ve outgrown but in your pre-trauma state didn’t notice or take action around this fact. There are some friends who aren’t whole enough in themselves to be able to be something strong, supportive and integral in your post-trauma transition. Then, there are some people who just can’t/won’t/don’t fathom trauma or its effects and so can’t tolerate any evidence of it in you.

It’s okay to let these people go. It’s okay to withdraw from pre-trauma friendships that are not serving you in positive, healthy, supportive and life-affirming ways. You have, actually, through your whole life pruned the tree of your friendships. You’ve let go of friends from elementary school, high school, college and jobs. The difference is there often isn’t an event that so dramatically shows you the difference of when you made the choice to back away. Still, you’ve pulled away or discontinued friendships at many undramatic times in your life. It only makes sense that during this dramatic time you would also choose to do that.

A friend is someone with whom you share a “bond of mutual affection.” The way you define that today may have changed from how you defined it before your trauma. Honor that you’re so consciously aware of what you’re seeking in a friend. Acknowledge that some friends aren’t meeting the requirements you have for friendship. Celebrate your desire for friendships that serve a positive and healthy purpose in your life. Then, reach out in whatever ways feel comfortable to make some post-trauma friends who fit, serve and support who you are today.

Michele is the author of Your Life After Trauma: Powerful Practices to Reclaim Your Identity. Connect with her on Google+, LinkedIn, Facebook, Twitter and her website HealMyPTSD.com.