Families and Mental Illness: Education Empowers

We still hear it sometimes: it's the family's fault.

• "They were too demanding during childhood."
• "That mother is so overprotective."
• "No wonder you have issues; your parents are cold and withdrawn"
• "If we can just get you away from your family dynamic, you will recover so much more quickly."

You know, maybe sometimes that is true. I certainly grew up in the baby-boomer time when all we thought we wanted was to get away from our families and have our "independence." I myself moved across the country to another coast for four years, in order to escape the "scrutiny and judgment"of my family - only to realize, eventually that most of that judgment, and the ability to put it into perspective, came from inside of me.

Like many of my generation, once I regained my self-esteem and grew myself up, I moved back home. I wanted my history back, and wanted my children to know their grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.

Sure, this is not true for everyone. Certainly there are those who rightly choose to stay far away from their families and childhood memories. But in the world of mental illness, this decision - and the professional support of the idea that everything is your family's fault - gets knocked out of whack.

Early Detection Matters

When my son Ben (diagnosed with schizophrenia at age 20 after five years of guesswork, chaos and confusion) was a teenager, many providers looked for the family dynamic as a key to his "misbehavior" and "issues" - and we tried everything we could to be better, follow advice, fix the problems with greater discipline and talking things through.

I talked things through until my throat was sore. And whatever progress seemed to be made was gone the next day - or an hour later.

It wasn't until the diagnosis - and the revelation that Ben's "problems" were a result of a chemical imbalance in his brain - that we stopped blaming ourselves. All our "mistakes" were due to the fact that we simply had not understood what was happening.

It was education that empowered us to me better partners in Ben's recovery - and our own. Without it, we could have continued to be "part of the problem" - trying desperately to "fix" what was unfixable by talk therapy alone. By learning about Ben's illness through books, websites, and NAMI's Family-to-Family program, we could finally step in and be effective partners to Ben's doctors, nurses, social workers, housing staff - and, of course, to Ben himself.

[caption id="attachment_951" align="alignleft" width="119" caption="Family Dealing with Mental Illness"][/caption]

By the time well-meaning therapists, counselors and psychiatrists meet families of those with mental illness (even before the diagnosis) , it can certainly be tempting to point the finger. They are meet families who are at the end of their rope - and hanging by a thread.

• They see families shut-down by trauma - and may think them cold.
• Mothers who are frustrated and confused because for months or years nothing seems to work - and see them as demanding.
• Fathers who are simply dazed by changes that are traumatic - and stamp them as aloof.
• Siblings who are simply worried - and decide they are enmeshed.

The family you meet is probably not the same family that existed before the illness began.

Mental Illness Education Empowers Healthy Involvement

Not to say all families are perfect - not at all. We all make mistakes - but where mental illness is concerned it's a lot easier to make those mistakes because we simply don't know what else to do (despite well-meaning advice of others) after we've "tried everything."

Parents are not handed a survival manual "in case of mental illness" when our children arrive. We learn as we go - if we are lucky and someone points us in the right direction.

With education, families can be incredible partners in the recovery process. Not toxic. Don't blame them. Help them. Guide them. Maybe it's not as hopeless as it seems - at least, not all of the time.

In our case - and many like ours - family involvement (carefully balanced with independence) has helped keep Ben on the recovery path. We are lucky - we found the empowerment of education. But it had almost been too late. If we had known sooner, could Ben have avoided his psychotic breaks? I'll never know. But I know I'd have wasted less time arguing with him.

Families deserve the respect and information that education can bring -then see how much less "toxic" they can be.