Car Choice Reliable Indicator Of Mental Illness Says Survey

According to a recently released survey conducted by The National Association of National Associations, your choice of vehicle may be telling the world a whole lot more about you than you think, in fact, it might even reveal what, if any, form of mental illness hounds you, dogs your every step, and accounts for ruff patches in your life.

Ashton Frampton, spokesman for the HMMA (Heavy Mental Motoring Association), which sponsored the study, put it like this. “While automobile ownership is not proof of insanity, we have noticed that many different forms of mental illness track closely with specific cars. To start with a very simple example, every Hum V owner in the study was plagued by delusions of other people’s grandeur.

“There were disturbing revelations aplenty,” confessed Frampton. “The correlation between BMW ownership and cannibalism was surprisingly close. Indeed, BMW owners are three times more likely than Prius owners to have engaged in cannibalism during the past seven years.

“Of course, Prius owners have issues too, but very different ones. Most disturbing of them all was the frequent occurrence of a newly isolated disorder known as HOTTS (Holier Than Thou Syndrome).

“People with imaginary friends are much more likely to own trucks,” Frampton continued, “because imaginary friends, much like ordinary friends, are always looking for help when it comes time to move. Consequently, they need to be on good terms with truck owners to help them transport their imaginary furniture.

“People who believe they are hamsters drive the Kia Soul – exclusively – which is a testament to niche marketing. We expect to see more targeting like this in the future, with automobile companies tailoring their offerings to appeal to the specific wants, needs, and desires of a particular sub-genre of mental illness. Keep an eye out for the new Bentley 1% - a vehicular behemoth intended to pander to the unholy narcissism of the pathologically self-indulgent.

When this reporter asked Ashton Frampton what kind of car he drove, a broad smile took possession of his face the way Orson Welles might have taken possession of a pastrami sandwich from Carnegie Deli. “I drive a tricked out, cherry red 2012 Corvette,” Frampton revealed, “let’s see you make something out of that!”