Mentally Ill Voters Will Determine Election Say Pundits

Back in the day, political prognostication was a lot less scientific than it is now. It was said that if it rained on Election Day the Republicans would win, because they had cars. For decades in Chicago it was believed that – the results weren’t official until the cemetery vote was counted. Such cavalier sentiments seem charmingly old-fashioned in an age where spin and opinion are routinely measured to a sub-molecular level.

This year’s Presidential circus, I mean election, which will be ending, mercifully, in a few months, is no exception. Using the very latest in digital resources, pollsters plumb the depths of voter opinion, ever amazed by the complete lack of connection to anything factual. That political sentiment would be based entirely on prejudice, irrational fear, and magical thinking is no surprise to these seasoned professionals; but what did catch them with their drawers drooped was the increasing importance of the mentally ill as a voting block.

Indeed, Chumley Throckmorton, President & CEO of Opinion8, a Bermuda-based consulting firm, think tank, and laundry said, “Mentalators are the ones to watch in ‘12, they could decide the outcome.

“It is estimated that mental illness strikes one out of every four Americans at some point in their lives,” said Throckmorton, “even with inflation that is roughly, carry the two, less the cost of living index, plus agent’s commission…really a lot of people.

“We got blindsided on this one,” confessed Throckmorton, swatting a fly with his slide rule, “but we quickly realized our mistake. You see, historically, the mentally ill have been locked into the Democratic Party. The unbalanced and unhinged in our midst, people walking about with stripped gearboxes, strongly identified with the Dems, for various reasons. Dems had no center, seemed to gravitate towards self-destruction, meant well but were totally ineffectual, couldn’t articulate tough-minded action plans, and loved to associate with actors and others suffering from mental health and substance abuse difficulties.

“After a while we stopped measuring the opinions of this demographic altogether – a fatal error in the political pollster racquet.

“Quite frankly, an alarming number of mentally ill Americans have been lured from the Dems by what they see as a fresher, crazier Republican party. Today’s mentally ill individual is looking for policies and philosophies that are profoundly flawed. In the Dems they saw charming ineptitude and buffoonery, but baggy-pants laughs aren’t enough to cut it for the 2012 maniac.

“In the final analysis what really charms this demographic, the mentally ill voter, is that today’s Republican hides cracker-academy insanity behind a smooth veneer of civility and alleged reason. Since the mentally ill must do this every day, increasingly they identify with Republicans.”