Emergency Psychiatrists Parachute Onto Capitol Hill

When an elite SWAT assault force, comprised of battle-ready psychiatrists from some of our nation’s most horrifying backwaters of mental instability, leaped from the belly of a B-52 bomber in Washington, D.C. today, tourists and off-duty policeman alike were stunned and amazed. Falling in tight formation, these plucky providers landed without incident in the Capitol building parking lot. After a few minutes of chute detaching the sanity squadron marched single file into the quiet, once-dignified chamber housing a hopelessly deadlocked House and Senate.

Moments later, Quentin Nightingale, Secretary of Sanity, made a surprise appearance on the Emergency Broadcasting System. “Ladies and gentlemen," he began, “at 12:15 p.m., eastern standard time, an assault team of specially trained psychiatrists with boots on the ground, hand-to-hand experience facing extreme insanity staged a surprise occupation of Congress. These skilled, compassionate medical professionals will control Congress until, and not before, Congress can collectively demonstrate to a duly appointed panel of medical professionals that it is no longer insane.

“America is like a family, and every family has its idiot. Idiocy is somewhat endearing, but when combined with great responsibility it ceases to be cute and qualifies as annoying. America has watched its idiot family member trip, stumble, and fall through responsibilities that would have posed no challenge to an unambitious bag of kelp. Patiently we laughed in that self-indulgent way one laughs when amused by incompetence of the inept.

"But that was then. Today, Congress is lapsed into paralysis; the result of a conflagration of neuroses that has rendered this body far worse than useless, it is actively endangering itself, and the world it inhabits. A level of self-destruction this profound is virtually unknown in modern psychiatry.

"In layman's terms, Congress has fallen into Stockhausen by Proxy, a bizarre state of being which combines Munchausen by Proxy with Stockholm Syndrome and anxiety about encroaching cultural modernity. Years of self-loathing, reinforced by a track record of stunning incompetence, have reduced Congressional self-confidence levels to the point of statistical insignificance. Add an endless stream of mean-spirited one-liners from late night comedians, compounded by approval ratings on a par with those of tics, leeches, and eczema, and you have a Congress that has acquired its low self-esteem the old-fashioned way; it earned it.

“Now, any organism worthy of the name, would process information like that and hurl itself upon a path of self improvement. Alas, Congress is not a healthy organism. Like a profoundly disturbed child, it expresses self-loathing by hurting everyone, friend, foe, everyone.

“The ongoing process of coddling and enabling, which goes under the sobriquet “elections” – is no longer relevant. This is a time of crisis; this is a time for action. Insanity may be hard to recognize, define, and quantify; but not that hard.”