My Story.

I've recently been selected to sit on a youth reference group with the Mental Health Commission of Canada. I am so honoured to be selected to this committee because it gives me an opportunity to share my knowledge and experience with mental illness on a national level.

The main goal of this youth reference group is to come up with a national strategy to break the stigma attached to mental illness. Youth have an extraordinary amount of strength and resiliency, but they also have the highest rate of suicide (especially among Aboriginal youth) and there is an unprecedented amount of stigma attached to mental illness. Needless to say, this Commission is well over-due. Embarrassingly enough, Canada was one of the last G8 countries to develop a national strategy that addressed mental illness, even though we experience one of the highest rates of suicide in the world.

So why was I selected to sit on this youth reference group?

Aside from my personal and professional dedication to giving Aboriginal youth a voice in regard to suicide awareness and prevention, I lived with depression for most of my teenage years and began to self-mutilate when I was 14. The self-mutilation started when I realized how much ‘relief' I felt from scratching my arms until they bled. It progressively got worse, and I was soon using knives, razor blades and scissors to achieve the same euphoria that I felt that first time. From what I've read about alcoholism and drug-addiction, I look at cutting in the same light-it is much like an addiction. It is never too far from your thoughts, and the healing process is long and trying.  

At the peak of my depression, I was probably cutting myself once a day. I tried to hide it as best as I could and for the most part, people ignored the marks on my arms even if they did notice. I would hear my peers comment on it from time to time, but very few ever asked me if I needed help. I suppose I was too proud to admit what I was doing, and in retrospect I probably wouldn't have accepted their help anyway. But for me, it wasn't meant to attract attention-it was truly my way of dealing with the emptiness that I felt at the time.

Compounded with my shame attached to self-mutilation, I was also extremely self-conscience. I felt like people were always judging me. But yet I still participated on sports teams, I was on students' council, I worked a lot, I went to parties, I volunteered . . . I was determined to impress everyone. But I also felt like I was always letting people down. So I began lying and manipulating people into believing what I felt to be the truth. I alienated myself from the few friends I had going into high school, I would lie to my parents, I would even lie to my psychologist at the time (" ... everything is great Doctor!").  

But why did I do this? My family was supportive, I did have friends who were willing to help me, and of course my psychologist was trying to help me. But all of that didn't matter at the time. When I was in that place, it didn't matter who was willing to help me because I only saw one solution-cutting.

The shame, the embarrassment, the STIGMA . . . I didn't want people to think that I was a ‘freak' or looking for more (negative) attention than I was already receiving. God (and everyone else around me) knew how self-destructive I was-even if they didn't know that I was cutting myself.

But now, at the rip old . . . err young . . . age of 23, I have come to acknowledge why I did it and how to deal with my ‘addiction' to self-mutilation.

Medication didn't work. Traditional therapy didn't work. But being able to talk about it to friends and family was how I have learned to manage this illness. A HUGE part of that was the ability to overcome the stigma that society has placed on depression, self-mutilation and the self-destructive behaviours that are associated with it. Unlike a physical disease that contorts the body, mental illness is invisible and it is often impossible for other people to understand.

To be given the opportunity to speak about my experiences with depression and self-mutilation, and to show people that mental illness is not selective in whom it affects is very important to me. More than that, it gives me the opportunity to show other young people that this is something that can be effectively treated. I've since graduated from university, live independently, secured a fantastic career and have surrounded myself with amazing people. I am happy that I failed at two attempted suicides and I am even happier that I am able to share my story at a national level. While I still struggle with depression and unhealthy thoughts, I am committed to overcoming this illness one conversation at a time.

Love always. Meg.

For Aboriginal and non-Aboriginal youth suicide prevention resources, please visit: http://www.honouringlife.ca/.

For more information on the Mental health Commission of Canada, please visit: http://www.mentalhealthcommission.ca/Pages/index.html