Section III: Acceptance of Myself

Today,

I"ll be sad for awhile.

Today,

I'll be scared for awhile.

I am all that I am at the time that I am

Acceptance is acknowledgement without control. When I acknowledge my feelings, my pains, my likes, my dislikes, my needs, my limits, my choices, my opinions, and my thoughts without control, I'm accepting myself. And I know that the more I detach the more I'll accept myself and other people. I also know. . ., "That I know what I know at the time I know it." And that's going to change. Acceptance (acknowledgement without control) is love..

I am human. As human I am a social creature. I am not without feeling. I am not without pain. The experience of my life will be living life from the inside out and not the outside in i.e. I experience my life from inside of my body. Acknowledging this without control is acceptance. Acceptance is love.

In accepting myself there are constants available to me. One is "self definition" and the other is "change." I am always changing. I change minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day, and year to year. Today I want a hotdog for lunch. Tomorrow I don't like hotdogs; I want a salad for lunch. The next day I like hotdogs again and want some soup to go with it. I am always changing. Sometimes I don't like someone. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don't like myself. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don't like something. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I think _____. Sometimes I don't. I'm always changing and moving from one idea or feeling to another and though all the middle gray areas in between. I'm changing all the time, more quickly and less quickly, and all the middle gray area's of quickly and less quickly. This brings me to the next constant, Self- Definition. So who am I? I see that I am always changing. If I were to define myself, I'd say that I am all that I am at the time that I am (since I am always changing). I am all my likes, my dislikes, my opinions, my thoughts, my choices, my needs, my strengths, my weaknesses, my limitations, my feelings, my changes, my behaviors, my addictions, my knowledge, etc. and all the middle gray areas in between. I am not the definition91 of something or someone else. For someone to define me outside of myself is arrogant, absurd, and shallow. I am all that I am at the time that I am and not the definition of anyone out side of myself (I am not the perception of someone else's opinion of me). I am the only one who may define myself with any accuracy. I am all that I am as a result of being myself. And who am I?

I am all that I am at the time that I am

I am all that I am examples:

My Likes (at the time I have them)

• People who smile.*
• People who ask questions as a way to come to know me.*
• People who have a sense of humor similar to mine.*
• People who like to play and be creative.*
• To be held* (with permission).
• Kissing, hugging, cuddling on the couch, spooning, exploring.*
• Making love.*
• To listen to other peoples ideas and dreams.*
• To ski.*
• To dance.*
• Having friends and community.
• To play piano and drums.*
• Space and science fiction.*
• Athletic women* (with a personality).
• Creative women* (artists, musicians, etc., with a personality).
• Intelligent women* (with a personality).
• Men that aren't macho* (who don't maintain the warrior myth).
• To show off.*
• Cooking food alone and with other people for company and conversation.*
• To participate rather than watch* (sports, music, education, etc).
• Humor.*
• Comedy.*

My Dislikes (at the time I have them)

• People who judge other people and believe it.
• People who argue to argue or don't make sense to me.
• Women who are controlling and non-compassionate (bitches).
• Men who are controlling and non- compassionate (assholes).
• Bullies
• Cold (emotionally) people.
• People who explain excessively.
• People who seek hidden approval continuously (fish). excludes children.
• People who corrupt other people.
• People who have sex as a way to gain leverage or obligate (conditional love).
• People who censor, change, or discount what I've said as a way to repress me.
• People who rephrase what I've said as a way to control the conversation.
• People who require me to carry the conversation (do the work alone).
• People who are absent in the conversation (emotionally or verbally).
• People who intimidate other people to control them.
• Angry-hostile people.
• Scaring myself compulsively.
• People who deal in absolutes.
• People who label as a way to injure.
• People who label as a way to create expectation.
• People who label as a way to gain control.
• People who create chaos on a consistent bases.
• People who always look for something wrong.
• Doomsayers.
• People who judge other people as a way to bolster themselves.
• People who hide an agenda.
• People who don't respect boundaries.
• People who use coercion, control, rage, violence.
• People without compassion or concern.
• People who clean obsessively as a way to "look good" for others.
• People who organize obsessively.

My Needs (stable for the most part)

• Access to food, clean water, sanitation, clothing, shelter, and medical services.
• Income (for the first need) and the transportation to earn that income.
• Recovery and the income and transportation to maintain that recovery.
• School (education).
• Dreams.
• To say I can choose.
• To say I love you.
• To say I'm sorry.
• To say I need you to help me meet my need.
• To know that the screw-ups I have are healthy.
• To hold and be held.*
• To have approval (in direct and non-controlling ways).
• To express (expulsion) my "self."
• To allow my "self" choices and the possibility of choices that are unknown.
• To set boundaries (and no explanation is necessary).
• To allow myself honesty.
• To say, "I don't know" when I don't know.
• To allow my honesty to be earned and not shared indiscriminately.
• To practice safe sex.
• To practice eating as needed and not in a way to stuff or over eat.
• To stop and clear myself when I'm in chaos or subtle diversion.
• To detach.
• To be separate in order to be close.
• To know that the best I can do is too much (controlling, approval seeking).
• Acknowledging when I hurt.
• Acknowledging when I'm sore.
• Acknowledging when my stomach hurts.

My Limits (at the time I have them)

• The limits I have are not the same as the ability (I have) to do something.
• I'm unable to change the past.
• I'm unable to change the future by worrying about it.
• I have fears.
• I get tired.
• I'm unable to control what someone else is thinking of me.
• I'm unable to forcibly control someone else's actions without using destructive control behaviors. (to kill spirit)
• I can't control another person by being nice and accommodating.

My Choices (at the time I have them)

• I choose to confront at my own discretion.
• I choose to amend at my own discretion.
• I choose to end a relationship at any time that it becomes un- healthy.*
• I choose to know that there are choices unknown to me.
• I choose to say I'm ok with myself.*
• I choose to avoid affirming or meeting another person's needs for a self prophecy of inadequateness (Doing my "your not good enough" routine in response to an action that is unconsciously carried out by the other person to look or sound inadequate i.e. action, communication, etc).*

My Thoughts and My Opinions (at the time I have them)

• This guide is my opinion.
• I'm uniformed on occasion, I'm informed on occasion, I am neither absolutes the rest of the time (shades of middle grey).
• I empower women indiscriminately with the power to heal and nurture.
• There are many myths about life and relationship.
• I lost a sense of safeness in childhood.
• My belief system is terror based.
• I'm afraid to let people like me.
• I don't know what I thought I knew.
• Someone complaining to me about my opinions is giving up their own power to me. If we are equals why would they do this?
• Moving from a victim standpoint scares me.
• When I scare myself, I become my own expulsion inhibitor.
• It scares me to set boundaries.
• It scares me to ask for my needs to be met (it comes off as being pissed off with the other person).
• I use my head a lot to stay a way from feeling bad.
• This guide takes my own inventory and the inventory of other people.
• Words are words. Words are symbols whose meaning is worthless except to the user. Words are interpretations and not facts.
• When I complaint consistently about something , I probably don't like what I'm complaining about and need to decide if I want to change.
• I am not what I do.
• Males are trained to be disposable. I've felt disposable. Males have been trained for war for many centuries. They get judged on their ability to go to war and provide security.
• I need my addictions while I learn how to feel better for myself (how to nurture myself).
• The "Anxiety" is the looking for something to feel better.
• When I feel intense terror or shame, someone is probably playing an intense victim similar to my mother, my father, my sister, my brother, etc.
• Asking before giving feedback is a loving gesture.
• "Being afraid not to," has a lot of sadness in it for me.
• The greatest gift I give another person is to listen and acknowledge without controlling what I've heard.

* Signifies the opposites and shades of middle gray too.

"All that I am is me. I am myself today,

and I'll be changing tomorrow."

I can choose to accept (acknowledge without control) the change.

As a young infant I was able to love without controlling. Today my ability to love is as available to me as it was then except that I know "something" different which scares the love away. The "loss of control" is the "something" different that scares me. Relearning to love without control is a gift that's available to me.

I am also my recovery issues. I am my fears, my myths, my rage, my old baggage, my chaos, and my looking behavior. I accept that I'm afraid to feel. I accept that I'm afraid to set boundaries. I accept that I'm afraid to ask for my needs to be met. I accept my difficulties in trusting people. I accept that acceptance is an on going and confusing process. And in the mean time, acceptance of . . .

"I am all that I am at the time that I am"

. . . . is the key

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