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BPD and Romantic Relationships: If You Really Loved Me

June 10, 2014 Becky Oberg

Romantic relationships are difficult enough without mental illness entering the equation. But when one or both of the people involved has borderline personality disorder (BPD), relationships can become sheer hell. I live with BPD and was once in a romantic relationship with a man who had BPD and bipolar disorder; it was probably the biggest mistake I ever made. That said, I learned a lot from it.

With Borderline Personality Disorder - Be Prepared for Manipulation

Not only can people with BPD be manipulative, but they can be easily manipulated. My ex controlled my life, and I let it happen because I thought I was in love with him. He had a facial expression that caused me to give in every time. He also convinced me I was trying to manipulate him. He was a master con artist who referred to me as "the fiancee from hell"--and I believed it. I put up with a lot from him because he had me convinced I was the problem.

A relationship with a person with borderline personality disorder can be challenging. Learn what to expect from a romantic relationship with a person with BPD.People with BPD may not always realize they're being manipulative. It may not even be their intention. I sincerely believe my ex was trying to meet his needs the only way he knew how. It is important to establish some rules if you're entering a relationship with someone with borderline personality disorder. Set healthy limits. Most people with BPD will initially be angry, but will eventually respect that.

For example, tell a person who self-injures that you will automatically take them to the hospital if they self-harm. Tell an alcoholic that you will not give them money for their addiction. Refuse to be taken advantage of. State clearly how you feel about a request. Be gentle, but firm. Let them know that while they are not responsible for their diagnosis and that they are not bad people, they are responsible for how they manage their symptoms.

When I broke off the relationship, he called me to blame me for his suicide attempt. I refused to talk to him and told him that unless he went back on his meds and back into therapy, it was over. He didn't respect that, so I got a restraining order against him. That got the message through to him.

You may need to take extreme action in a relationship with a person with borderline personality disorder. Know your limits, make them clear, then stick to them!

Remember, You're Dealing with a Sick Person

People with BPD often stopped developing emotionally in childhood. This carries over into adulthood as unhealthy coping skills such as substance abuse and self-injury. You are dealing with a sick person and should adjust your attitude accordingly. Be patient, but don't be a doormat.

My ex was fond of pointing out my symptoms while denying his. He eventually went off his medication, saying, "Medication don't do nothing Jesus can't." He denied he was sick and told me I was the one who was sick. He was fond of telling me, "If you don't calm down I'll have you I.D.ed!" (An I.D. is a 24-hour psychiatric hold.) Healthy relationships do not have this element of fear. Healthy relationships face conflict and work to overcome it. Thus, a relationship with a non-mentally ill person can be unhealthy, and a relationship with someone with a mental illness can be healthy. It all comes down to how you handle conflict.

Learn What You Can About Borderline Personality Disorder

If you're going to enter into a relationship with someone with BPD, learn what you can about the illness. HealthyPlace.com is an excellent resource with pages ranging from the symptoms of BPD to types of treatment to information about medication. Knowledge is power, and the more that you know, the more you'll be able to prepare for the highs and lows of the relationship.

You can also find Becky Oberg on Google+, Facebook and Twitter and Linkedin.

APA Reference
Oberg, B. (2014, June 10). BPD and Romantic Relationships: If You Really Loved Me, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2023, December 9 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/borderline/2014/06/if-you-really-loved-me-bpd-and-romantic-relationships



Author: Becky Oberg

iambpdanditdoesntdefineme
October, 19 2017 at 11:18 am

Well this was a horrible article to stumble upon while browsing the internet to try and find some help in coping with my disorder.
I am 23. I am a female. I have BPD. All of my relationships have been unstable. I have a hard time controlling my emotions day to day. But that doesn't mean I am incapable of loving. In fact, I feel I have been more capable at loving than some other people I know who are not suffering this disorder.
just because you had a horrible, personal experience doesn't mean that that is how ALL of us are. All of your suggestions are horrible. Why would you threaten someone who is suffering self harm or alcoholism? How do you think that will establish trust in the relationship, let alone trust for them to come to you when they are feeling unstable? Would you threaten someone with cancer that if they show any symptoms, you will take them to the chemo center and subject them to shaming them for asking help with their symptoms? People with BPD don't understand the concept of manipulation. Being manipulative is coercing someone to do something for you without them knowing you know you are doing so. In my personal experience, I have never been manipulative on purpose because of my BPD. I have simply not had the coping mechanisms to deal with intense feelings. From what you have written, it sounds like your ex was partially suffering from BPD as well was an abusive partner. You have to learn to differentiate the two; just because your partner was abusive on top of being Borderline, doesn't mean the rest of us are; and because of articles like this, it is even harder for people suffering to find help. So thanks, I hope one day you receive counselling as well.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

William
October, 22 2017 at 5:43 pm

Bravo iambpdanditdoesntdefineme. Yes, you are capable of loving, and being loved. Yes, BPD can lead to some rough days. But I love the whole woman, not just the fun parts. When she has a bad day, WE have a bad day together. Because if she is willing to share the good with me, how can I not be willing to share the bad together too? The key word... together.

Miranda
October, 14 2017 at 5:34 am

This article triggered a touch of shame, guilt, pain, confrontation and sadness in me. It's important for me to understand the impact i have on my loved ones. I know plenty of my exes probably shudder at the sound of my name.
I felt completely justified in all my behaviours in past relatioships. I was reacting to pain. being volatile, untrustworthy and manipulative.
I had no idea why my relationships kept failing and why nobody was kind or compassionate??
You know why? My guess is its hard to love someone who a. Doesn't love themselves. b. is like a ticking time bomb?
It wasn't until a recent ex broke up with me, very plainly and simply explained he had fallen out of love with me and he had to look after himself as he felt my constant cries for attention were going to make him sick. I have no compassion for BPD. Its an ugly disorder. The more i separate myself from the symptoms/behaviours the better I feel.
if you have BPD, Im so very sorry! big hugs.
I'm lonely, hurting and sad.
If loved ones didn't tell me, i couldn't fix it.
yes, this article triggered a few yucky feelings. but I'm also sad for her. she loved him too at one stage and his Illness hurt both of them. to me, that's so sad:( I dislike BPD stigma... but sometimes I need a reality check in order to seek help or initiate a little more awareness of my behaviour.

Ellen
October, 12 2017 at 1:18 am

What you’re explaining sounds like abusive relationship/s, not those of someone with BPD. We love deeply! We’re all or nothing. Black & white! We’re not abusive people. I find your article offensive and rude.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Christal
October, 13 2017 at 5:35 pm

I find it offensive as well. We are not abusive we love intensely. You have no idea what it feels like to have such intense emotions like we do. It is a blessing and a curse. Our illness does not define us. It is not our fault.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Erik B
October, 16 2017 at 11:16 pm

The ironic part of your comments is that folks with BPD absolutely ARE abusive. Simply because you bend everything to your own personal worldview and take zero responsibility for your actions.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Jade L
October, 17 2017 at 7:15 pm

Erik, I absolutely agree with you, 500%. I couldn't have said it any better. I'm currently in a relationship with a BPD & one that abuses drugs. The past 2.5 years have been complete hell.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

TJ
October, 19 2017 at 7:35 pm

For a person with BPD to make that comment is completely understandable. They see and feel different then those who do not have BPD. I have been around the block . . . 4 serious relationships in my life and many un-serious ones. And then I fell deeply in love with a women with BPD. I still am and I will be for a very long time, but I have never in my life seen or been punished like this. She loves me to death one minute and wishes death on me the next. She has slept with 15 plus men and women in the 4 years I have dated her and it's always my fault. She has broken my arm, nose (twice), shattered my eye socket, broke 4 fingers, knocked out two teeth and chipped 3. Stabbed me with a knife, pen, scissors, keys. Pulled a gun on me, knocked me out with a baseball bat, fractured my tibia, beat me with an extension cord and the buckle end of a belt. I've replaced 4 windshields, 4 tires and lost 5 pair of very expensive sunglasses. She has destroyed new clothes I've bought for her, destroyed my clothes and stole and broken way too many things to list. I've missed work, family functions, workouts and life because I was too beat up to participate. And you know what, it was my fault. I loved her so hard, so tight, so deep that I couldn't see the things I needed to do. I researched for over two years before I stumbled upon BPD. When I found it knew what the problem was but I was too hurt and to unsettled to seek out someone to help me love her completely. Her anger, her violence, her indiscretions were cries for help and I was too stupid, too stubborn, to shocked, too hurt to be her strength. Shame the hell on me. I love her and what has happened in our relationship may very well be more than I can ever move past. Maybe, just maybe, this post will be read by someone who finds themselves in a relationship with a BPD early enough to be the strength their partner needs. My GF knew she was different, she just didn't know why . . . I wish I would have embraced it because I truly believe she wanted to just love me but didn't know how.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

KMae
June, 28 2019 at 4:46 am

I know this is years old but This helped me so much. How can we get help for our significant others?? Or get them to see they need some sort of help??

June, 29 2019 at 4:28 am

Hi there, I'm really glad this article has helped you a lot. It's a really good question. A good place to start could be to have a look at the Healthy Place Hotlines and Referral Resources https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/resources/mental-health-hotline-numbers-and-refer… as there may be some useful organizations for you on there. It can be tricky to help others see that they may benefit from support. I don't have a quick fix answer, but I think asking open, non-judgemental questions might. be helpful, for example: "I've been thinking about you lately and it looks like you are struggling, would you like to talk about it?" Take care of yourself. - Rosie Cappuccino, Author on The More Than Borderline Blog.

Catskills
October, 11 2017 at 4:25 pm

I've known literally 1000's of people in my line of work. I've also known two officially diagnosed BPD people. EVERYTHING you said of them was true. And then some. To me, if they even HAVE a heart, it's that of an animal. Attention seeking, braggarts, angry, Schadenfreud-istic horrible monsters. One in particular I know is a reviewer for Amazon, so she's a professional liar too. Ex druggie/alcoholic, she seeks out others out online, on any venue she can get on and causes trouble w/ her lies. All of the doctors in the world cannot help these people. They enjoy trying to inflict pain; It's their hobby and pleasure. My mother had passed away a few years back, and when ''she''found out, the following week she made fun of her death on face book. It gets worse, but you get the picture. There is nothing she won't do to try and get to you. She has several comments here on this blog already, under several assumed I.D's She writes her fake comment and then answers it too. Heads up.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Natasha Tracy
October, 12 2017 at 4:09 am

Hi Catskills,
I appreciate your opinion on this matter but please try to remember that people are individuals and not all the same.
- Natasha Tracy
- Blog Manager

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Catskills
October, 12 2017 at 7:47 am

I understand your impartiality and position here, as there are always exceptions, but my experiences have all been textbook.
No, I don't know them all; but from what I've read alone, and have experienced first hand, they all, yes all, lay under one proverbial common blanket of intentional deceit, manipulation, lying etc., all the while (admittedly) enjoying their own insensitive and ugly behavior! Reveling in misplaced joy at the intentional pain and cruelty they've inflicted at another's expense, FINALLY gave their illness an actual name.
Borderline personality disorder.
This condition put psychiatrists, psycho analysts, therapists etc. at a complete loss for a positive or productive treatment of this esoteric class of misfits. The borderlines.
They do not want to admit they are 'sick', or even honestly participate in change! Giving one, or all too similar excuses after another, as to why they are, the way they are. "I'm not sick! My parents did this to me".
If the highest most educated doctors and professionals in the field of the mentally ill, throw up their own hands at the lack of any useful treatment or positive prognosis for this group then I'm not alone in my own opinion of the apparently incurable group of people that appear to be the only "intentionally" cruel crowd; as opposed to being the helpless and truly, suffering sick.

Lucy
October, 11 2017 at 1:41 pm

This article is absolutely terrible, just because you encountered a manipulative person that happened to have BPD does not mean every person with BPD is manipulative. I’ve just got out of the marriage from hell due to domestic abuse and I have BPD and I can tell anyone that I am so sick of people blaming us for our illness. The ignorance in this article is unreal. Not everyone with BPD behaves the same. I’ve never hurt anybody but myself. I will hold my hand up and say when In crisis mode my words can be appalling but I have never physically hurt anybody. Never been in trouble with the police and most importantly I am the one who has had stalkers and manipulative ex’s not the other way round. It’s so hard to live with this I’llness everyday. It’s like a constant battle in your head. Yet I am a full time and I mean 24/7 single parent to 2 very small children playing mum and dad. But there’s just no credit for people with BPD it’s always what they’ve done wrong not what they’ve actually done right. Thank you for making my day much worse!

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Dan
October, 20 2017 at 4:01 am

I understand yes my BPD girlfriend has been abusedand manipulated all her life also sheltered. She doesn't cope with relationships very well. I feel for her but also struggle to understand.

Kyle Kaefer
October, 10 2017 at 7:09 am

I recently got out of a year relationship with a girl, who I still consider a friend, who has BPD. I knew what I was getting into before we got more serious but things got to be much with her. She always slept all day, no ambition, couldn't hold a job, failed school, and always very negative. I am a very caring person so by nature I helped and nurtured as much I could but it never seemed good enough. I have her attention all the time and show her love but it didn't always seem mutual. She was always looking for attention when I was giving her all the attention she needed. It got pretty bad to the point where she didn't shower for days, was throwing up all the time, and was very sad. It seems you can only prepare so much for people like this. It's been about 3 months since we broke up and we chat every ounce in awhile and saw each other a couple times, but in her head she is a huge failure and looks at what happened another disappointment in her life. I would tried to talk to her after we broke up and she just ignored me and wouldn't let me speak I feel and how we can maybe resolve. We had began arguing a little more and it led up to a bad argument and I told her too move out but didn't really meant and she just totally took it to heart and didn't try to talk and work it out. I'm a good dude, it's my blessing and curse. I still care for her and she will always have a piece of my heart but my life is probably better off without her. You cannot change someone, they got to want to change themselves. I have been missing her a lot lately and feel like she kind of pushed me aside and thinks well it's just another let down in my life, but it hurts me cause it seems like there's no relief for me. Being alone sucks but I wish her the best, she is a cool girl and unique in her own ways she just has to believe it for herself. Any replies is much appreciated, thanks!

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Luci
October, 21 2017 at 5:44 am

Wow, youre so great and supportive. My girlfriend has BPD and im trying to help her out, Im holding tightly into her and Im aware of most of the things I should be aware of. But Thank you for your Expirence, it opened my eyes to what may I encounter in the future :)

Georghia
October, 1 2017 at 10:31 pm

I have EUPD/BPD and I am sick to death of being told I'm manipulative or scheming or a bully or a gaslighter by articles like this wherin the authors whom do not understand further perpetuate the stigma. Are some people with EUPD manipulative and horrible? Yes. Just like any non-mentally ill person. But to say we are all that way is detrimental and wrong on every count. I borke off my OWN relationship with some friends because I got more sick and they didn't leave because they understood. My psychiatrist doesn't believe in EUPD and tells actual lies on my medical records, so we are fighting for help against ignorant people in psychiatry who discredit and invalidate our illness and then we have to deal with people like you branding us as horrible and evil manipulators/bullies. Please do not date anyone with BPD again, author, you don't unerstand a shred without going through it.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Georghia
October, 1 2017 at 10:32 pm

*Broke sorry for the typo

Tiffany
September, 19 2017 at 3:08 am

I have BPD and let me tell it to you straight. I have not nor will I EVER hit a person. I can't even tell a person off without crying and wanting to hurt myself afterwards. Yes, I can get VERY emotional and have hurt people with words especially through text and online, but I have never never hit a person. Stop trying to say all of us the BPD are abusive hitters or manipulators. I don't want to hurt anyone so I push everyone away. I even choose not to date! I am sorry you are going through this with someone, but have you thought maybe your partner is just I don't know, an [moderated]? Quit trying to put a bad mark on people with a mental illness who actually care about others. Everyone is different.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Aiyana
September, 28 2017 at 7:18 pm

Thanks so much for speaking up, because this article actually caused me pain....it hurt me to read this because I'm not sick....I can't help it if I have something that makes me different, and I don't know how people who do have BPD are manipulators, it makes zero sense....we fear abandonment....thats not our fault.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Cait
October, 11 2017 at 2:27 pm

I agree with this wholeheartedly. Thank you guys for saying these things. This article is one sided, and although this person has freedom of speech, I really wish people would look at other perspectives before writing something ad if it were a factual scientific article instead of what it is. This one person's opinion.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kristen
October, 11 2017 at 8:18 am

I too have bpd and I’d never hurt a fly! I hold down a job in fact I’m in management. I have a house, a car. I am quite comfortable. I won’t say that I am not a manipulative ass sometimes but I am a very emotional person actually. I get angry I cry and take a nap and I’m good. Or I Work and don’t talk to anyone. But 8/10 I am pretty functional. I have chosen not to date for this reason because once people know what I have because of articals like this it puts me in that bad rep. And I’m accused of being a narc which is so not true. When I was younger I did self harm but I’m healthy now. But yes when someone tells you that they have something it’s also good to research or go to therapy with them to learn them.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Raisin
November, 3 2017 at 10:15 am

There are a couple of folks here with BPD who think because they don't physically hit the person without BPD, that it's OK. The torrent of verbal abuse and emotional manipulation is extremely damaging in itself. We realise those with BPD are struggling themselves and may not truly mean what they say but being on the receiving end is very difficult which is why some of us come to forums like this to get some emotional support.

Anthony Greer
September, 10 2017 at 6:23 pm

I have not been diagnosed with BPD but I show all the signs and I am bipolar 1 have anxiety nos PTSD explosive anger and imy personality changes in a second from super nice sweet to anger violence abuse and tearing doors down breaking stuff and yelling screaming false losses fear of being alone and fear of abandonment and obsessivness with my fiance I am struggling very hard feel worthless at time's and unstoppable at other's drug addiction and it's ruining my relationship I need a doc that will actually listen to me I am a male whom this fits perfectly along with my bipolar bull to go along with it after I explode then I am very apologetic and complimentary and exsesive in telling her how much I love her and what she means to me I have no insurance I work for myself and I just got out of prison for the third time I am freaking out and can't deal with my head my finance just went to rehab said she be back home when she gets out after an physically abusive fight I thought even though she said this I was still loosing her I we were split up and she told me that it was to hard to hear my voice and text me that it made her want to come home and not go to rehab I understood but could not excessively texting and calling so she blocked me from texting and stopped answering the phone I didn't mean to make it harder on her but couldn't stop I know I have BPD and need help with no insurance and I live in Eufaula Oklahoma and little resources available can't go to inpatient treatment or hospital because I can't leave my house by its self because I will get robbed blind can anyone help me

Cliff
August, 6 2017 at 4:08 pm

Hello, I been wondering about BPD people who have suicidal thoughts myself. Is it a common situation for people with Borderline Personality Disorder BPD, get suicide thoughts often if things they desire about don't workout for them?

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Sarah Budden
August, 8 2017 at 8:42 pm

Yes. Bpd people think in black and white ways so something is either good or bad. If something is good it's the best thing ever but if it is bad, they catastrophise it. One of the 9 symptoms of bpd is suicidal thoughts and attempts making it one of the most destructive and less understood disorders

Sue
July, 8 2017 at 1:22 am

This is merely one experience by The blogger who is not a mental health provider, and merely one experience with bpd not representative of the dusease as a whole and not entirely accurate either.

Chris
May, 21 2017 at 7:47 pm

Dealing with abusive people can bd confusing and extremely draining as they tend to cycle between a calm and loving honeymoon period and then shift to volatile and terrifying reactions. You end up crazy trying to predict their next outbursts or recover from their previous attacks. Sometimes separation is the only way to stop the crazy dance between love and hate.

Sr a Radtke
May, 12 2017 at 6:19 am

What a relief to finally read an article stating both sides. I am bpd and most definitely am have been easily manipulated by several con artists on my day. I often was in reaction a stone cold predator back at them to return the favors after any opportunity came my way to pay back. Good article.

Lee
September, 25 2016 at 3:57 am

I met my estranged husband 8 months ago and I suspect he suffers from borderline personality disorder.At first I couldn't believe cause it was like a dream come true to meet such a wonderful man.he adored and worshipped the ground I walked on.two months into the relationship the abuse started but we managed to resolve the issues.but every four or five weeks it would start all over again.In June he started accusing of mustabating in my sleep which was not true.accused me of being filthy and living a decietful life before God.Had to apologise and. admit to things I never did.I eventually moved back home and got a job In a far away town.just when I was about to leave the calls started apologising and promising to change and he promptly proposed marriage and we got married the next month.six weeks later I realised I made the biggest mistake of my life cause the abuse got worse and worse,the name calling withholding sex,not talking to me.I left him and moved back home.I love him with all my heart but
I realise he is not the man I fell in love with.I spoke to his family and told them they need to get him help.he is stubborn refuses to acknowledge he has a problem.I'm not prepared to spend the rest of my life walking on eggshells.if he
goes into therapy maybe we stand a chance but for now I've just about hnad it with him.I'm emotionally fragile at the moment because of what this man put me through.The eight month's I spent with him were the worst time of my life.I really feel sorry for people suffering from this disorder but one can't do mych if the person refuses to acknowledge they have a problem.

Gia
September, 15 2016 at 1:43 pm

I have been in a relationship with a BPD guy for a year. We've been separated many times but we love each other very much. In the begining there were some signs but I thought it was just that he is a very good looking guy and had lots of fun around and didnt want to settle down. However, he became very quickly involved. Then I had losses in my life and he stood by me, but very soon, he started showing rage for my grief...
One minute he is the sweetest guy on earth and the next he yells at me, calls me names, accuses me that I am seeing other people, and he has hit me many times. He is very manipulative, he distorts reality and he drives me insane. I had lost it a few times and started yelling at him. Most of these times he hit me. A few times he was just trying to calm me or left. He claims that women are inferior to men and I am more a ''man'than a woman because I talk back to him. But I can't show love to someone who calls me names and is aggressive and threatening and bullying even though I understand that it is the disease talking...
He has been in therapy on and off (even before he met me). When he is calms he acknowledges the fact that he has issues but he quickly turns the blame to me telling that I create his triggers, that I dont help him
In the beginning I believed him and I did everything. I tried to change, I even neglected all the other important people in my life, friends, family because he didnt feel comfortable if I did the slightest thing without him
He accuses me every time I walk the dog that I am insane that I care about animals more and that I meet someone in secret at the dog park.
Ive decided to end it for the nth time....but this time I am really exhausted. I love him, I know with committment to therapy he can get better but he doesnt do it. And I cant live the rest of my life like this....
I am not saying that he is a bad person, but his condition makes him have an awful abusive behavior. Is it possible that he doesnt realize that this is not normal? Is it possible that he justifies hitting me and abusing me verbally and emotionally that I deserve this? I really feel sorry because I understand his pain, I've tried to stand by him, but I can not accept abuse. He meets all the criteria of BPD except hurting himself, he hurts others. I am worried that if I leave him he will go back to his old habits of drug and alcohol abuse and reckless driving.
I know that he is madly in love with me, I know that for a fact. I am as well. Besides the abuse. Because I can see beyond the condition. But I can't stand him when he gets into his tantrums. And they are almost daily...I know I should just stay quiet and wait for him to lash out, but he is way too hurtful and I end up crying and screaming at him to leave me alone. I know it doesnt help, but I can't keep my cool when he insults me so much. I dont want to offend BPD sufferers, I know it is a horrible horrible state to be in and I feel so much for all of you guys. I sincerely love my boyfriend and we planned a future together and for the first time in my life I felt so much in love with someone. But I am leaving. I just can not take so much abuse....I can only hope that he will decide to get some serious help. I hope that he lets me go because I am about to lose my mind. I have made my decision but I always go back to him....he comes back apologizing and because every time I see him I melt, I just want to hold him and tell him I love him he wins me over. And then another cycle of hell starts all over again. And I can't take it any more. I feel guilty for leaving him, I never really thought I''d get to this point, I always thought somehow we would work it out but I really want to have a baby and in my 40s I dont have much time and I dont think he will ever be ready for a family even though he says so. I 've read all your stories, I am really sorry for everyone. It helps to know that other people go through the same dreadful experience...not because misery wants company but because it makes me feel that I am not to blame, I am not crazy, I am not a bad person. I've tried. The best way I knew how. Now I have to walk away from a person that is extremely dear to me despite his shortcomings. But I have to put my self interest first, this is the rest of my life and I have to realize that if I stay with this person it will not get better. Only worse. I am super sensitive and I can't deal with all this..
I know that I might not ever be so much in love again with someone, so it is very hard for me to go, but I need to. I 've lost my self respect during that year. It is the most difficult decision I had to make. I know that he is going to make it really hard for me to go, but please pray for me that I can stick to my guns this time...It is really the only option I have left to keep my sanity and to have any chance of having a family..

MickMonster7
September, 10 2016 at 2:48 pm

All of you must remember that BPD has subtypes and some borderlines aren't aggressive towards others at all and more damaging to self than others and care for others in truly empathetic ways. Please do your research and stop grouping us as all one type!

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Tauni
April, 25 2017 at 12:13 am

I was just diagnosed today. I'm already bipolar 1... So to have another thing added to my mental deficiencies is overwhelming. In reading everything on this page I think I was diagnosed wrong. I have never been mean or violent to a partner. I've been in verbal fights, but that's it. I'm actually calm and loving towards people. I take meds for the bipolar part and there's something waiting for me at the pharmacist tomorrow. Not sure what... I just don't relate to any of this... Scary!

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Martha
May, 5 2017 at 11:49 am

Thank you for pointing this out , I feel this way also

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Anna
September, 8 2017 at 6:52 am

Yes . Thank for pointing it out for sure. We are not all like this. I do care about my family and friends more them me.
And more judgemental and harsh to myself only. And would manipulate anyone to stay in relationships with me.
I am type who leave if has feelings that he likes me less.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Anna
September, 8 2017 at 6:53 am

Sorry wouldn't I meant

Aaron
August, 27 2016 at 4:12 pm

I could use some help from some of you non-BPDs who are committed to loving and trying to stay with your BPD. After two years we have come to the point of our first relationship pause and during this time I want to recalibrate my limits and clearly look at this relationship. As with most posts I've read its been full of the most amazing love, and also wicked mood swings, hurtful accusations and down right verbal abuse. I'm a giver and probably good for my ego to be the champion on the white horse (for lack of a less stupid analogy) and fix things and reassure my BPD when she feels abandoned. However, regardless I do love her with all my being and do very much see her trying.
But, during this pause (weeks to months) and while we continue to see a therapist, what should I be asking her to do or what should I be focusing on so I can respect my self and eliminate every feeling like I have to walk on eggshells again.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Murray
June, 24 2017 at 9:59 am

I too am dating a BPD person. I love her with all my heart but we have broken up at least twice in all of the 12 months we have been together. we have been engaged for 8 months but the ring always comes back to me. She says I am not there for her and don't want to be with her and put my kids first over her. none of which is true. We have been broken up for the last week and I want to be with her but I have to take all the blame for everything always. My best friend said RUN FOREST RUN. But I do love her.

Naomi
August, 23 2016 at 10:28 am

I can see both sides of the story. It must be extremely difficult, if not nigh on impossible, to be in a relationship with someone who constantly pushes you away and is abusive etc. People with BPD do have to take responsibility too. However, I am concerned in general about the way people with personality disorders are portrayed, in such a negative light. As someone who possibly has BPD I can tell you that emotions can be so overwhelming that they literally take over you like a tidal wave. People don't choose to have emotions so intense that they don't know what to do with them. So let's stop demonising people in that position, who are essentially suffering and struggling. Also, portraying people in a negative light reinforces the problem. There is a way to phrase the difficulties posed by having a personality disorder, and its impact on others, without condemning people or making matters worse. Calling them ‘sick people’, for example, is not particularly helpful.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Martha
May, 5 2017 at 11:47 am

Thank you for saying this, I am diagnosed bpd and struggle with the hell in my head daily.. I am on this site on behalf of my partner who has to live with my bpd as well, it breaks my heart , I try and explain my issue , it is so hard for him to grasp, and feel he will be as exhausted as I am and just leave

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Chris
June, 3 2017 at 11:42 am

I to have seen BPDs lit up as though we have no soul or capable of love at all...I feel so deep both directions Love/Hate at times when ultimately afraid. I live with a core of shame. I work hard to change..not because I want to manipulate..but because it sucks being the one constantly hurting those you love. I dunno just seems like BPDs are the toxic blame people these days. I know I'm sick..and I keep trying.

Michelle
August, 8 2016 at 6:55 pm

I read this article because I am trying to cope and understand. After reading this article, I think my bf shows many signs of this illness. He lies about the simplest things, spends unnecessary amounts of money, calls and text me all day and gets nervous when I don't answer. He gets nervous from things the average person wouldn't care about, gets paranoid easily, he even got so upset that he bodyslammed me because I fell asleep on the sofa instead of in bed next to him. My back still aches months later. He also throws things when he's upset, tell me I don't care about him when I show other people attention, and has threatened suicide if I leave. His actions have had a negative impact on my emotions. He is the most charming and caring man ever but when no warning something I say or do could be a trigger for him to have a raging moment. I feel like I'm in a abusive relationship with a man that is suicidal and possibly homicidal. I don't know how to get out before he harms me further. I'm not the sunshine I used to be. I'm now withdrawn due to shame and embarrassment of my situation. I don't know how to tell my friends and family that I'm going through this.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Rachel simone
April, 27 2017 at 1:54 am

Get out of this relationship. You have to tell youre family so they can support you...I did...staying with my sister right now it was the best decision I ever made. Oh and do not contact the bpd, if he cared about you he would do something to stop abusing you...but of course it's never about you is it...it takes the focus off of them.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Hailey
June, 30 2017 at 7:05 am

Im a female with bpd and for 3 years now my bf been abusive to me accusing me of the weirdest things I never did to a point I go crazy he calls me names hurts my feelings everyday brings up past situations I suffer thru this everyday and I am the one with bpd I wanna leave but it's so hard I feel as if I'll never be loved again and if I do it's not the same i get anciouse when he don't pick up the phone to the point my throat swells n I wanna smash my phone slam my head in to walls he tell me things that make me feel like a horrible person he's a hypocrite ect people take advantage

Whit
August, 6 2016 at 3:48 am

So yeah, my fiancé has bpd and it's a Rollar coaster. I love her so freaking much but her insecurities are endless at times. She just flipped out on me last night for something lame. We both are divorced and I'm a highly loyal man. I have 2 kids, 8 and 5 and she has one boy age 8. My daughter suffers from severe anxiety that doesn't allow her to talk outside of home and only to certain people. She choose to speak to Oksana on the day she met her. My fiance is amazing and loving but she has these issues. I got us into therapy and try to get us into the right direction. She said she woukd take he dbt classes recommended by our therapist but no she hasn't yet. The Walking On Eggshells book is helpful to anyone reading this. I hate to label these problems as anything but it's like getting so sad to watch now. I feel like im watching her fall off a cliff at times and my hand is out and she just chooses not to grab it. I call them demons in her head. And I know they are. I'm a good guy, good dad but she is affecting my daughter now. My daughter loved her and Oksana with her drinking also which is a problem at times just keeps creating these crappy moments. My daughter pretty much went from loving her to now pretty much hating her. I see thr line from many here saying "I could write a book" and I hear yuh with that statement. Some of the crap Oksana has pulled is down right horriable. I have giving her ultimatums recently as we live together and I can't see this shit anymore. I keep feeling like I'm trying to be so supportive and loving and no I'm not perfect at all but I wake up everyday making an effort to trying to be. I think that's the best thing we as humans can do for ourselves....to just try and be the best we can be. I was struggling more about 5 weeks ago with handling this. But like I said now I feel more like I'm just watching her fall into a hole she dug herself and I just see it as sad. She knows she has these issues but she's not really serious about trying to fight them off. Somedays I think about the future and I see a great one with her but I also don't know. I feel like im in limbo a bit right now. You can't put dog poop under a rug and think its out of the way, out of mind. I feel bad and sorry for her as I know her mind suffers badly but it's like snap out of it I want to say. I don't fight with her anymore. I try not to at least. She doesn't make it easy. It's the black and white thay grabs her brain thay I hate of it. Anyway, thanks for listening. Good luck to everyone.

Markus
August, 6 2016 at 2:55 am

I can not believe what I'm reading here.. People suffering from BPD being called bad people? Maybe you should actually read about BPD before posting your ridicilous comments.
My girlfriend of five years just got diagnosed with BPD, and let me tell you, she is the most wonderful, caring and loving person in the world. Yes, it can be bloody hard sometimes with her constant mood-swings. But, after the diagnosis and all the info I've read, I know that she simply can not control her mood. It's not like she can just "snap out of it" like the average person can. Please, see beyond the disorder. People with BPD DO NOT WANT TO act in that way. And Cynthia, they do not lie when they say they can't control it. Please, educate yourself.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Martha
May, 5 2017 at 12:00 pm

Your comment brought tears to my eyes, I am bpd, reading the comments looking for help.. i get it, it sucks to be with me sometimes, and i would give anything to take my brain out and replace it for a normal one.. i dont want to be this way, it crushes me what my partner has had to endure because of me, if the people making the harsh statements could be in my head one day they would see and feel what it is truly like being inside my head .. please people understand that. Im sorry the trauma you endured being in a relationship with a bpd person, but some are sincerely trying to change, constantly managing the hell in their heads, please understand that. Bless you for your post, blesss you for being so patient with your partner and so loving

Joseph
August, 5 2016 at 4:21 am

When I broke up with my ex in February of this year, I knew something was seriously amiss. He acted so loving at first (and romantic, thoughtful) but then began to change. I would consider myself an insightful, intelligent guy but honestly, I could have handled it better. I was ill-prepared for what was to come. He broke up with me and, whenever we got back together, I had some 'abandonment' issues of my own I had to face. But as his emotional outbursts began to take front and center, I was totally ill-equipped to handle them. He had moments where he would get stressed about something and just ignore me (and everyone else) for awhile. If I brought up problems in the relationship, he would lash out at me and never address them and it felt as if he were punishing me by giving me the cold shoulder for awhile. He began telling me he wanted the old me back who was so confident, but I felt as if I was walking on eggshells throughout the last few months of the relationship that that was impossible. I became co-dependent, electing to sacrifice my own happiness for his own. I knew in my head that this was not ideal but felt it was a temporary thing I had to do in order for him to grow out of some problems. That never happened. His angry outbursts intensified (and over what most people would call very trivial things). He would deflect any sort of perceived criticisms onto me. He would always be acutely aware of all of the nice things I do for him but it was a bottomless pit. I need a good bit of contact (texts, phone calls, face time) in a relationship and told him what he was doing was not enough. He balked at that and would not change. To the contrary, it always felt as if he was either strongly connected to me or completely pushing me to the side. One day he completely ignored me (after I texted him, and after multiple days of acting distant) and it was my breaking point. I wanted to think about it overnight so I told him I wasn't in the mood to talk. He obsessively wanted to know what my problem was (suddenly I had his full attention) so I gave him a general explanation. The next night I tried to call him and he cancelled the call and texted 'Not in the mood to talk; goodnight'. Obviously this was done out of spite so I told him it was important. I told him on the phone I wasn't happy so he went off on a tirade saying how stressed he has been and that I should just break up with him (said that very angrily). So I did that. I was wanting him to empathize with me for once and talk through our communication problem but he failed again so I was done. It always felt as if he had zero empathy, but I believe his acute emotional feelings prevented him from being able to empathize. We've been on and off again the past few months with unsuccessful results and it feels as if he's only getting worse. The emotional outbursts are intensifying. The last we spoke I referred him to some BPD resources but I doubt that was well received. I'm pretty sure we love each other alot but the relationship was too toxic so I had to move on. The addicted feeling I got from our initial connection (and periodic reconnection throughout the relationship) still makes it difficult for me to move on but I am getting there. My biggest lesson from this was to make sure I 'hold the line' and not let someone be a bottomless pit. He turned into that for me and there was a severe imbalance in the relationship, even though he would state the opposite. I would say I have a healthy ego and a great deal of confidence, but I'm what is traditionally known as a hopeless romantic. So I become vulnerable to someone with BPD symptoms. I'm working on fixing that.

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