How Pacifism Helps with My Schizoaffective Suicidal Ideation

Trigger warning: this post involves frank discussion of suicidal ideation.

I am a pacifist. I want to share with you how pacifism serves as a tool to help with my schizoaffective suicidal ideation.

Why This Schizoaffective Is a Pacifist

My maternal grandfather, whom I really looked up to and admired, was a pacifist and a role model for me. One time when I was little, I asked him what causes war. He pulled a couple of one-dollar bills out of his pocket and said, “This is what causes war.”

I was surprised, but I believed him. Wars are about money. Pacifism is about preventing war.

It turned out that, decades later, pacifism also would hold a big place in my toolkit against schizoaffective suicidal ideation. Suicidal ideation means that I’m thinking about suicide, but I don’t have an actual plan to hurt myself. You see, pacifism doesn’t just mean that I’m antiwar. I like the word pacifism, but maybe a more direct word for what I’m talking about would be nonviolent.

You see, because I’m a pacifist, I can’t hurt anyone, including myself. As I’ve shared before, I have a collection of pictures and totems by my bed that I look at when my schizoaffective suicidal ideation comes around. I have two pictures of myself and my husband Tom together, a picture of myself when I was a toddler, a picture of my brother when he was little, a picture of my baby niece, and an assortment of inspirational objects, including a button with a peace sign on it. That button reminds me of my philosophy of pacifism and nonviolence, which has to also apply to how I treat myself.

Schizoaffective Disorder and Kindness

I’m also a big believer in kindness. Now, as those close to me will tell you, I am not very kind to myself, but I’m working on that. I also try my best to be kind to other people.

I remind myself of this philosophy of kindness when I’m grappling with schizoaffective suicidal ideation. If I’m not kind to myself, how can I be kind to other people? And, to put it bluntly, dead, I’m no use to anyone.

So, really, I take these philosophies of pacifism, nonviolence, and kindness and turn them inward. If I’m thinking suicidal thoughts, maybe to distract myself, I’ll make a cup of tea or take a hot bath. Or play my favorite music. Or watch a movie I like. You get the idea. Maybe I wouldn’t have to be a pacifist to think of doing that, but it works for me. After all, I’m still here.

If you feel that you may hurt yourself or someone else, call 9-1-1 immediately.

For more information on suicide, see our suicide information, resources and support section. For additional mental health help, please see our mental health hotline numbers and referral information section.