Schizoaffective Anxiety and Worrying

A lot of worrying comes with my schizoaffective anxiety. I am constantly worrying—ask anyone who knows me. Even someone who doesn’t know me that well knows that I worry all the time. And to top it all off, I blame myself for my worrying, even though it's anxiety-related. Here’s what it’s like.

I’ve Been a Worrier with Anxiety Ever Since I Can Remember

Sometimes on a Saturday night, I’ll be sitting on the couch with my husband, Tom, and I’ll be worrying. Then, I’ll chastise myself for wasting my Saturday night. I can’t even always specify what is bothering me. Essentially, I’m worrying about worrying.

I’ve been a worrier ever since I can remember. It really kicked off when I was bullied by another child in kindergarten.

It’s unfair of me to blame myself for my worrying. I do my best to use the tools I’ve learned in therapy to address it. I worry about whether Tom is going to die before me. I worry about what I’m going to do when my parents die. I worry that I’m wasting my life. It gets pretty painful.

The funniest thing is worrying about wasting my life worrying. Another funny thing is that when I was at the bridal store, standing in my chosen wedding gown, I was worrying about everything that still needed planning. A woman who worked there said, “Smile! You’re wearing your wedding dress!”

I tried.

Schizoaffective Anxiety and Worrying Ruined My Dream of Teaching Photography

Aside from Tom, writing for HealthyPlace, and my support network, I don’t feel very good about how my life has turned out. Of course, a lot of that has to do with schizoaffective disorder and anxiety. Since I married in my late 20s, I planned on focusing on a career by my early 30s. Well, schizoaffective anxiety bulldozed right through that goal. I thought I could at least get an adjunct teaching job at The School of the Art Institute of Chicago. (I have a Bachelor of Fine Arts degree from there and a Master of Fine Arts in photography from Columbia College Chicago.)

I never even applied for a teaching job. And I’ve really fallen away from photography. I almost always take pictures on my phone these days. I used to exhibit regularly, but I don’t do that anymore either. I just post pictures I take from my phone to social media.

One way I’m able to soothe myself about my nonexistent career in photography is to tell myself that I do have a career in writing here at HealthyPlace, and a lot of people go into careers that aren’t in line with what they studied in graduate school. Also, writing was my first love before I discovered photography.

Anxiety and worry have kept me from doing many other things—including going to the wedding of one of my best friends and two of my nephews’ weddings. I blame myself, which only makes the pit of anxiety worse.

So those are some of the things I worry about and one example of how I counter my anxiety and worries is by telling myself that I am not choosing to worry. It’s how my brain is wired. I should go easier on myself.