Recently, I had suffered a relapse into a deep depression that I had difficulty recovering from. Though the medicine kept the majority of psychosis at bay, I was nevertheless crippled and left in a state of disarray. A medication increase by my psychiatrist had only quelled my most severe symptoms of schizoaffective disorder. What was different about this episode however, is that it was partially instigated by a lack of sleep from an unknowingly broken CPAP machine.

Immediately after having been sucessfully treated for Schizoaffective Disorder, I experienced difficulties adjusting to normalcy and calmness in my life.  Though no longer actively psychotic, the world around me felt as if it had changed because I had now experienced the dark side of both myself and the world around me.

Schizophrenia, as horrifying as it may be, gave me a glimpse into alternate realities and showed me another world that defies and transcends the physical world in which we live. Before contracting the illness, I considered myself to be a man of science, rationality, and skepticism. My training and education within the sciences demanded it. It was during these studies that I became entrapped in my first psychotic fantasy.

What is it that lies behind the voices, the odd beliefs and strange behavior of paranoid schizophrenia? Most mental disorders are easier to visualize and understand, but this particular one has a pervasive aura of mystery. Though schizophrenia is a disease of the brain there are certain patterns of thinking that are prevalent in the majority of patients. I remember these and why I believed them.

For many years I had wrongly believed that I was a bad person for having Schizoaffective disorder. Many people around me believed likewise. It was not until years later through treatment that I realized Schizoaffective disorder is something that I have, and not something that I am. This is probably why Schizophrenia and Schizoaffective disorder can be treated better than many other mental illnesses, and will be even more treatable in the future.

I began writing neither for money nor fame, but simply because I thought I had a message to send to the world.  I believed that many of the horrible events that had transpired in my life, were not without purpose.  That my experiences with schizophrenia and homelessness were not in vain, but brought about with reason.  This is what brings me here to you now, as a writer and advocate, who knows what it is like to be neither here nor there, both materially and mentally.  What follows is the path I took to send this message.  Here are the publications I have written and my inspiration behind them.

Philip K Dick, one of the world’s greatest science fiction writers, unquestionably had periods during his lifetime that he had great difficulty determining reality.  At one point he had even been diagnosed with schizophrenia.  Today it is debated as to his exact condition, but what it is known is that he used his mental issues as a positive force in his writing. I am not an expert on Philip Dick, but I can easily see how my illness, schizophrenia, can be used as a positive force in writing.  The illness itself has a way of trapping you in an alternate universe, with strange plots and villains dancing about.  One only needs to transfer these places and enemies onto paper, in order to write interesting stories.

Schizophrenia is considered to be a disease of the mind, yet unlike a physical disease it can be difficult to determine when we are ill.  How then do we know when the disease is taking hold and what to do about it? For me there are warning signs before the onset of an episode.  One common sign is holding the belief that someone close to me wishes to harm me in some manner.  This idea can cause arguments, disagreement and irritability between myself and those around me.  It is at this point of time that I believe constructive intervention can help the most.

The Mystery Schizophrenia has been an enigma throughout the ages.   I have experienced firsthand the alternate realities and monsters that lie deep within the bowels of psychosis.  Through a multifaceted approach of medication, the treatment of a sleep disorder and lifestyle changes I have, at least temporarily, been able to ward off the terrifying demons of one of medical science's most feared and misunderstood illnesses.   This brings me here, to try to explain the mystery that has eluded so many throughout the ages.