Tips For Partners Living with Dissociative Identity Disorder

January 17, 2011 Holly Gray

Living with dissociative identity disorder (DID) presents unique difficulties, whether you're the one that has it or the person who loves the one living with it. I can only imagine how frustrating, confusing, even painful it must sometimes be to have a partner with DID.

I've witnessed how challenging it often is for my own partner and, if some of the comments I've received here at Dissociative Living are in any way representative, her experience is typical. But it's also largely ignored. Partners of people with DID don't get that much support or encouragement, primarily because only those who've been there can truly understand (Caregiver Stress and Compassion Fatigue).

3 Tips for Partners Who Love Someone Living With DID

I asked my partner what she'd say to help partners of those living with dissociative identity disorder. Check out her 3 tips for people affected by DID. As someone with dissociative identity disorder, my perspective is different than my partner's. I think that's what makes hers so important. Significant others are in a unique position to offer viewpoints and ideas that might otherwise be overlooked. When I asked my partner what she'd say to someone in a relationship with a person with DID, this is what she said:

  1. Know and maintain your own boundaries. You can't support others if you aren't supporting yourself. You're going to let your partner down sometimes. That's true in any relationship. When you let someone with DID down, the ramifications can be far-reaching and surprisingly painful. It may be tempting to make your own needs negotiable in order to ensure peace and stability. But that will backfire eventually by sowing the seeds of resentment and creating an unhealthy imbalance. Knowing your limits, and making the hard decisions required to honor them is vital. Believe me, sacrificing yourself won't heal your partner's wounds anyway.
  2. Nearly impossible, but try to learn how to not take it personally. You're going to be the villain to some no matter what. People with DID generally have trust issues that nearly incapacitate them in relationships. It's not unusual for protective alters to attempt to sabotage intimate relationships. That's not about you.
  3. Learn as much as you can, but remember all systems are different. There is no way to be in a relationship with someone with DID and not be profoundly affected. Living with dissociative identity disorder is just plain hard. It only makes sense to educate yourself. Not for your partner's benefit, but for yours. It's awfully hard to cope with something you don't understand (3 Ugly Truths about Dissociative Identity Disorder).

Living with Dissociative Identity Disorder Is A Choice for You

Those of us with DID don't have the option of walking away from the illness. You do. For my part, I'd like to remind you that no matter how it feels, DID isn't forced on you. You can leave, or choose not to get involved at all. Those of us with this disorder would spare you if we could. So when it gets rough - and it will get rough - please remember this: living with dissociative identity disorder is a decision you're making, not something we're doing to you. Blame us for our choices and behaviors ... not for having DID.

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Photo by Randy Pagatpatan

APA Reference
Gray, H. (2011, January 17). Tips For Partners Living with Dissociative Identity Disorder, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2021, October 22 from

Author: Holly Gray

July, 29 2021 at 11:47 pm

People with DID, please don't be afraid to have a relationship or get married if you should find a person who really loves you and believes themselves strong enough to be with you.
In 1987 I fell in love with a lady with DID. I met with at least 3 separate personalities I encountered over the following 18 months. Two were loving, kind and very much in love with me.. particularly the primary personality that seemed to be dominant most of the time.. The third was rarely seen.... destructive and dismissive at first, believing I held her back from what she wanted and needed.
One night she came home at 2 AM, cold and stiff. I held her and she started crying, demanding that I punish her , hit her. I held her tight, kissed her and told her that I could never hurt her, I loved her. I said that no matter what had happened that night, no matter what she had done,. it didn't matter, I loved her. And I meant it completely without reservation. I held her tighter and she held onto me tighter,. I felt waves of love from this personality. as she sobbed herself to sleep.
The next morning, the happy loving partner personality seemed completely unaware of the events of the previous night... and I may have made the biggest mistake of my life by not discussing it with her... but she seemed so happy I didn't want to hurt her.
The dismissive personality I believe came to love me after that night, and i watched as she fought to change her destructive ways over the next few months.
Several months later I asked the primary , loving personality to marry me. I saw the joy in her eyes that then shifted to concern and quiet. She hugged me tightly and desperately, we kissed.... but would not answer Yes or No. That was the last night I ever saw her... she disappeared and a friend told me that she said she would never return to me... she felt she was protecting me and she never wants to harm me..
People with DID.... Please know that if you meet someone out there for you, who can love you so strongly and completely ... that says they wanting to marry you, eyes wide open...
Don't run from them... trust that if they say they are strong enough to weather anything that happens, and they love you completely. without reservation....... you and they both deserve the chance at long term happiness.
Only time and trying will tell... do not give into fear of what may happen... find out what does happen.

March, 14 2021 at 10:12 pm

These DID beings need lots of hugs, kiss them on there forehead and say love thee.
Times will be hard but one will feel the love, threw there food threw there what ever.
Be open mind. One will see the light.
We make the bed while other sleeps, more time for hugs. They need lots of hugs. Her and I have been together 8k hours minus 1.5 months do to hospital visist. Since February 22, 2020.- March 14, 2021. When one sees pearls of tears go down face, it’s real. I don’t know ASL, (SM). one will go the distance. She is undiagnosed. Diagnosed with schizophrenia which one sees is not true.
One loves quotes. We write each other quotes.
The fist quote she wrote is, “everywhere everywhere.”
When the crowns on all the checkers face your end watch out.
Be creative,
Ones first date married , her last date was Avery a guy. My first date is Avery and she is a women. 3k old. Love one Bear Bella Perzel.Avery one is strong. Love one always. Serve thy community serve thy state serve thy country serve thy world. And serve all in the universe for the universe holds the flower together in our hands.
Lots of hugs to all,

October, 18 2019 at 6:57 am

Well i tried educating myself but by the time i did she had already shifted to another personality and broke up with me. "mental stalker" was the noun she gave me when i tried explaining it.

September, 20 2019 at 2:56 pm

For those of you who are struggling with D.I.D or know someone who is struggling with D.I.D, there is an amazing YouTube channel called DissociaDID dedicated for this disorder.
My partner was diagnosed with DID a few years ago and while it has been hard for both of us, this channel has really changed our life. It's an educational channel run by an individual with D.I.D. A lot of the questions that I had and a lot of questions that you have in this forum is answered in these videos. The channel also focuses on helpful tips for those struggling with DID.
If you have a chance, I would recommend checking this page out (and no, this is not sponsored). I'm just an individual who has experienced the pain and hardship that comes with D.I.D and want to do my part in helping those who are going through the same thing.
This is the link to the channel:

August, 18 2019 at 2:09 am

Hi, I'm apart of a system, I'm not diagnosed with DID but I most definitely have symptoms, I am 16, and am only really hearing bad stories. Should our system just not date?

June, 12 2021 at 8:43 pm

Hey! I know this is late, but I'm currently dating someone with DID. It hasn't affected our relationship and I love them more then anything. I know you've been hearing bad stories but you will find someone. (For context, I am not a system and we figured out they had DID about four months into the relationship when another alter fronted for the first time.) And the question about whether your system should date is entirely up to you guys. Good luck <3

May, 30 2019 at 10:02 pm

Hi, My name is Shawnesta and I've been with my husband for 20 yrs now. He recently came out about his DID to me, our boys and some of the family. I knew he had multiple personalities but I never realized it until he came to me with his alter, Pixi. Him and Pixi are both in love with me but they get jealous of each other if one spends too much time with me than the other one. She enjoys doing all the things women would do. In example, painting her nails, shaving her legs and putting on make up as well as women clothing. My husband works at night and comes home in the morning and Pixi comes about and does these things and he wakes up like this and gets upset about it. I've mentioned to him about getting some kind of help with all of this and he refuses to cause he don't want to be medicated. I'm confused at this cause I know he needs help but I don't want to force it.

June, 26 2019 at 12:24 am

Anyone want to talk who’s in a relationship with someone with did who gets cheated on and maybe abused mentally or physically I’d love to talk to someone who’s going threw what I am I feel so alone and almost and scared and tired

Jon wynn
August, 4 2019 at 5:00 pm

Hi ashley,
I would like to talk with you!
I recently got put of a relationship with the one I love. It is so hard to want change but powerless to help. My SO had 12 parts amd only 4 wanted me in their lives....

August, 15 2019 at 9:59 am

I have been with my husband 15 yrs he has always been a lot to handle but I always assumed he was just a bad guy and I was a mug for staying with him. 2.5yrs a go he had a breakdown and since then he has been diagnosed with DID, I still don't fully understand alot about it but I am left with the nasty taste of all the lying and deceit over the yrs. He is seeing a counselor and had under gone psychotherapy, he is medicated(although I don't think correctly). How do you live with something you can't physically see but that effects you everyday. I used to think things would get better but I think I am kidding myself. We have 2 children which this impacts on but also which effect my decision for what to do for the best.

August, 15 2019 at 1:57 pm

Hi, Jessica. I really appreciate you taking the time to comment and reach out. Thank you for being part of our community. As someone with DID, I understand firsthand that loving me comes with some difficulties and challenges. In the beginning, my husband didn't know how to handle me either, but just yesterday we celebrated 20 years together. I say this to let you know things can get better with time. It might be advisable if you continue to educate yourself on the disorder. HealthyPlace has great resources that can answer your questions. I might also seek counseling if I were you in order to learn how to cope with the feelings your husband's DID has brought up. Best wishes.

January, 17 2021 at 3:25 am

I am a 50 y/o man whose 2nd wife was AMAZING... and asked me to marry her.... she was stunningly good-looking, ever-giving, kind, interesting, fun, funny, hard-working, and beautiful in every way... except one. This may be a duel-diagnosis thing, because she was a light-switch drinker... and at first I just thought she was a bad drunk who processed alcohol differently than most... but after 6 years of marriage, I think that her alcoholism, and subsequent meltdowns of alcoholic psychosis (while definitely a problem), was a mask for something larger. We are now in divorce proceedings, and I love the girl I married, but talking to her is an Abbott and Costello routine... she has loosening of associations, and confuses actual events with things she heard about.

September, 23 2019 at 5:04 am

I know exactly how u feel. I love my girl wholeheartedly but that doesn't always come easy. Some things happened with her and my best friend when a new alter came out and no one knew. Unfortunately I caught her messaging and found out that way. But we are so strong now. A had to realize that it wasn't my girl who did that. It was the alter, and we grew a lot. Try to be strong, it's not easy maki g it work.

October, 1 2019 at 4:05 pm

Glad you sorted it out. The same happened to me, but eventually it happened three times. After 14 years together I now have the feeling that I can't take it anymore. Don't know how to fix the broken trust anymore.

October, 1 2019 at 4:07 pm

Hi Ashley,
I'm glad to tell you my experience. I have been together with my wife for 14 years now and we have two kids (twins 4 yo). Last week she betrayed me for the third time so I definitely know what you must be going through. Please be free to send me an email take care!

December, 23 2019 at 9:11 am

hi ashley! know this is months late but im involved with someone who has did and this is something im struggling with right now. are you still with this person?

January, 16 2020 at 4:58 am

ashley, i am somwhat currently in a relationship with someone where i have yet to be physically cheated on but my partner sends texts back and forth with multiple men, sending and receiving nude photos and videos.. its extremely hurtful and nebody knows that she is DID. after her second suicidal attempt i noticed that in her journal / everyday notebook, there was a difference in her hand writing. they diognosed her at the hospital with bipolar. i knew something was not right with the diognosis as i have worked in the behavior field for many years. this was a recent suicide attempt and she is still in the hospital and being released in 2 days. i asked her if she knew anything about disassociation disorders and she did not. i explained to her that i may know the reason why she never remembers messaging these guys nasty provocative messages. i told her to tell the therepist she talks to in the hospital what i think and gave her more info on why ithought of this and how my thoughts lead to believing she is DID. itturns out that same day (yesterday) she was diognosed with disaccociative disorder. i was right. and i had labeled her as either a lier or knew she had some sort of ashisia relating to a disorder. i am both releaved that she truly didnt remember these concersations and did not mean to hurt me. as the same time i am hurt regardless. i am the only person here for her. her only friend. her family shames her and her kids have disoned her and wont talk to her. she is 46 and i am 30. i broke up with her after the first suicide attempt. and then realized that she has no place to go.. but on the streets. nobody that remotly understands her, it amazes me how she got this far with the issuses that she has and how alone and unsuported she is. she is activly seeking medical help and trying to get better only because of me as i am the only person that has let her into my home and has helped her get a job and is there for her. if i leave... i fear she will attempt to take her own life yet again. i feel trapped and yet i want to help her. i just wish somone els knew her like i do and wish she had a friend. not just anyone but someone who understands her as i do. that way the burden is not all on me. i hope that through therepy and the fact that i am knowlegeble in behavior health that we can have a relationship. but idk. its hard and i can relate to you although there is no physical abuse, there is mental abuse. i hope to hear a response of your situation as well and how you cope.

Jenny M
March, 29 2020 at 1:37 pm

Yep it rings alot of bells. I have a friend who is impossible because he has comorbid disorders. One of his alters is a protector that believes he is famous and I'm not good enough for him. Imagine my confusion after his core personality told me once that I was the one! I wind up believing wholeheartedly like a stupid, then waiting around for nothing. he is aware he needs help and has been to rehab, but somehow he prefers this delusional life. I know it is more than Peter Pan syndrome when other persecutor alters come out. one is a cruel sadistic mean and paranoid drunk! I can't see what this polar opposite has to do with the shy sensitive man who is good in intimate settings, soft, relaxed loves to cook, tell stories and go for long walks together, buys me flowers and remembers my favorite chocolates. It is a beautiful nightmare!! Like going with doctor jekyll and Mr. Hyde! I suggest do not invest anymore in the relationship. Find someone your age. I know how bad you feel. At one point I believed he could get better because I wanted to believe it. I got along with jekyll famously and couldn't imagine my life without him. It's just to much for me to get jerked around like that and then watch him abuse others as well.. I have personally witnessed his behaviour causing two grown men to cry as well as his ex girlfriend. Unless he gets therapy I don't want to be next in line. It's not worth the effort!! The behaviour is immature and irresponsible and will only make you more miserable. Just run 🏃

Anjali Malloch
February, 2 2020 at 10:33 pm

Hi Ashley, I have experienced this situation, sadly, several times. And I get yelled at and angry outbursts directed at me for questioning, for crying and I have been really triggered into rage, (mostly verbally, I haven't been physically violent in decades, but I do break things - usually Glass :( You are most welcome to get in touch with me, Namaste Anjali M

April, 12 2020 at 8:27 pm

Hi, I am in a relationship for 5 years with someone who has DID. As far as I know he hasnt been diagnosed with it but he has mental issues and sees a therapist regularly. I dont know what his diagnosis is. When Ive asked him he flat denies that he has DID but some of them do have different names. And some don't like me. He has emotionally abused me plus he does try to physically hurt me when some are present. Is it really possible that he doesn't know he does these things? And am I in danger from one or more of his personalities? Sometimes he is so charming and sweet and Sincere and I know he means it at the time. But then he will change and say and do creepy or hurtful things. I care about him but I cannot handle the constant wondering if I am safe here.

February, 14 2021 at 7:57 am

I believe that for the past 3 years that’s what I experienced. It’s broken me and driven me to the verge of becoming extremely depressed and thinking suicide . Not understanding what and why things were happening.

July, 13 2019 at 9:43 am

I can relate. I have been married 41 years and my husband presented with DID about 18 months ago. Ironically, I am also a retired psychologist who has worked with multiples. My husband is seeing a therapist, and I am seeing a therapist. I realize I cannot do this alone and need some support. I would like very much to share experiences and support one another.

February, 16 2020 at 10:52 am

I feel the need to talk to you. My boyfriend has DID and his female altar is trying to take him over. He refuses help as well. She has been taking over almost full time for the last month.

December, 24 2018 at 4:52 pm

I know it’s Christmas Eve and people have other things to do, but this just hit today. I’m just learning of this. I’ve met this girl about 3 months ago. To put it short we were met at a seasonal job working long hours. We really hit it off from the get go. We had exchanged numbers the first day or so. Then she had to take leave for r&r. We worked a couple more days together when she came back before I was transferred. We kept in touch and I made it back and we reconnected. After the summer work we hung out and have tried to have a relationship. We live a couple hours apart so time is precious. During that time she said she was too busy and not to bug her, then it would be later in the day she missed me and want to talk. She had told me that she had been a ex addict and has been clean for a 6 years. She was also in an abusive relationship which almost killed her.
I guess what I’m wanting to know is normal for people DID to just try and push people out then want them back? We haven’t been able to see each other in a month and she has been working a high stress job. All she has wanted to do is fight with me on the phone and make me feel like I can’t do anything right. I couldn’t get Christmas right and basically broke up with me today. When we(were) together everything was fine, though it took a while to break the wall down. when we apart she like would build up this wall. I’m just at a loss and trying to learn more. Thanks

June, 25 2019 at 8:29 pm

It sounds more like she has BPD than DID. I myself have BPD, and after I found this out I've been able start recognizing and control myself better when I start exhibiting symptoms. I'm on here because I'm also currently dating someone with DID and looking for insight. I'm not a medical professional so I can't say for sure, but the behavioral patterns you describe are very close to mine.

Jocelyn Alise
December, 15 2018 at 4:14 pm

Kevin is his name n we were together for 6yrs in which up until a few mos ago he was committed or so I thought to only me now he's with a 23yr old n he's almost 36!! We have a 5yr old daughter together who's very confused. She sees Daddy bein all nice n loveable to Mommy but then he goes back n denies our intimacy calls me delusional becomes Wells monster his ego is bigger than the altar himself so far there are three ik that his mother has mpd n from all the info n the deameanor I gather he has some form of mpd as well. This has caused him not only to separate US but all three of US includin our daughter I've been homeless now for two wks as he has stolen all my money so I couldn't leave him I'm all alone in this as he is a master manipulator n instead of takin accountability continuously blames me for " the monster he has become" idfk wtf to do anymore he hates me doesn't recollect or denies I myself am bi polar n it's taken me awhile to control n maintain me let alone all the nefarious unnecessary bs he's puttin me thru I've tried to tell him n he just continues to deny or he will tell me that I'm stupid delusional n or tells me to stfu I love him whole heartedly n hopes he sees that I'm not "full of shit" as he says n this isn't even All of it

April, 26 2019 at 11:10 pm

I too am involved with a woman with DID it took some time before I realized the destructive alter was in control during the worst parts of our relationship. The alter I call Brenda has her own look and style and is quite sneaky. I began to notice Brenda was the one I always fought with the one that always liked , Brenda calls me stupid and dumb constantly when she is doing wrong she is manipulate and pushes me away. I have little knowledge of this disorder and it has become the nightmare of my heart. Brenda breaks up with me cheats, goes on drug binges for weeks and ignores me during these periods of separation. It is hard loving someone who can be this awful person at times and I can clearly see who I an dealing with because the entire appearance of my girlfriend is different her demeaner is calm and kind she is quiet and respectful. I'm having the hardest time trying to protect her from Brenda she is her worst enemy and it's a battle that is tough to fight. I love her so much and I'm not planning on leaving her side but it is very exhausting mentally and emotionally I am drained. I have periods of time where I'm so angry and hurt I think about killing myself. This has led me to a deep rooted depression and I sometimes feel overwhelmed, unappreciated and used. I know she loves me and she knows some of the behavior is heartbreaking. I'm doing my best to get better understanding of this with hopes of her starting some kind of treatment/therapy and praying Brenda goes on vacation and never comes back

June, 26 2019 at 12:12 am

My fiancé cheats and lies watches porn won’t sleep with me gets angry about everything but it’s not him it’s zero and akasha that’s their names it hurts so much. He’s so sweet and caring and amazing or was but he’s barley there anymore it’s always the I miss him and they all don’t want to get help and I feel crazy myself we have a daughter and I want to leave but I love him how are you and her holding up ? It’s nice to see other people have gone threw what I’m going threw I felt so alone

December, 8 2018 at 1:30 am

I think I have DID. I regress a lot. My husband has figured out how to safely bring me back. I know this is stressful for him.I wish I knew how to stop the regressions from happening. I was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder years ago and I fear it has come back but I have no proof.I am lost at what to do, any suggestions?

November, 5 2018 at 3:26 pm

I have been with my wife for just over nine years. Just after we got married alters started to really show themselves. This was about four years after dating. Over the years since, a lot of things that happened in the past make a lot more sense. Note, I have also know this person since high school.
To date I have met most of the "others" as we call them in conversation (as they do also). There are twelve of them. One I was told died. I assume from what I have learned this particular one merged. None the less. This makes for a full house. I brought three children with me into this marriage. None of them to date have been told of the others.
It makes for an always changing, sometimes chaotic, stressful environment for me. Also, as noted above, sometimes lonely. I admit it has made me mad, sad, laugh and cry. I sometimes think, I did not sign up for this! But, I did. I married her because I loved her, all of her.. sickness and health, 4 year old or 60 year old.
I am searching for avenues of support as I can't talk to anyone about this. A couple friends know, and we get that.. "oh really?!"..

August, 27 2018 at 7:43 pm

Hello! My name is Kai, and my friend (who I'll call "C") has DID. I have had a long distance romantic relationship with one of his alters, who I'll call "A," for over a year, and we visited in person last summer. I had a wonderful time with them all, and it was one of the best times of my life.
Today, "A" told me that their therapist and the others voted that he needs to reintegrate, in order to strengthen "C," the main core of their system. I am devastated, but of course i understand. I love them all in their own ways, and want whatever is best for their system as a whole.
We said our farewells today. "A" said he won't be fronting again. I still am going to be friends with "C," and the others in his system of course... But... Do you have any insight as to how i should best deal with this loss? I feel like there's been a death, even though "C" is still alive. I don't want to burden "C" with my grief, he's struggling enough on his own right now, and, it's really complicated for me to explain to my own therapist, i don't feel like she'll understand it. I don't know anybody else who was close to "A," (he was a protector), so, there's nobody for me to grieve with about this... I feel like it's selfish of me to feel this way, and of course i want what's best for "C," and for their system as a whole... But it hurts so much, and i don't know where to turn. There's almost no information on navigating relationships with partners who have DID, or relationships with alters, let alone how to cope with losing someone to integration.
Thank you.

July, 31 2018 at 3:27 am

Hi holly, im in a 5yr relationship i love my partner but finding it hard to accept thst one of my partners alters has fallen in love with someone i dislike. Im trying to understand be strong for both of us. My partner is struggling to accept they are a part of her and have to use her body. She understands they all have a right to a life and so do i. But im strugggling and the alter thats in love is the protector and because ive made mistake in the past by not understanding as fast as they want me to. The alter doesnt care about us anymore. Im trying everyday to work on myself but strugglijg to accept that any day the alter will walk out on me. I wanna be with my partner for the rest of my life but im scared im not gonna be good enough. Im finding it hard to seperate my parter from the main alter as the alter doesnt wanna speak to me. My question is how do i accept this relationshipthe alter has?also how do i accept alwys coming last? Her and her alters come first i accept that but im always left behind always last to know everything im always kept in the dark but yet the alters parter knows almost everything. I dont mean not to feel good enough but honestly cant help it. Please email me i need help just advice

August, 2 2018 at 8:14 pm

Hi Amy, if the alter you had bad relations is is the protector, then I don’t think you made a mistake in terms of how fast you understood things. Rather it might be that you are perceived as a threat somehow to your partner (if the host or front). If the partner of the alter knows more than you, maybe it’s because that person has asked more about the situation than you have? And it’s more likely (from my experience) that an alter will give out information to people they trust than the host (because the host is the fragile one that they have to protect). But it’s also possible that the alter is trying to keep you away on purpose — again because you may be perceived as a threat. Although it’s sweet and nice that you put them before yourself, I believe that this will only end badly if you don’t take care of yourself.

May, 18 2019 at 5:32 pm

I agree with this completely. You have to put yourself first. I will not put names or even hints I hope but I just got done talking to my significant others main alter protector for about 4 hours. This was the second alter that has spoken to me for more than 3 hours in the last week. I just discovered, as did my girlfriend, that she has DID for sure and she is struggling to come to terms with it. It is very clear that in the 2 years we have been dating almost all of the conflict we have had came from an alter that I "saw" but didn't realize was another identity. They believed I would judge their host whom I love and will not leave because she struggles with something that isn't her fault. I told her that I would do my best to love and befriend all of her others as long as I believed they have her best interest in mind. It seems they all do so far and the proper medications have helped immensely to keep my girlfriends main personality at the front which is what she wants. I know she has to make peace with all of her alters so that she can be fully healthy and I just want to do what I can to assist that process and I pray thanks to God he has given me the patience to learn not to take personally what an alter may do or say hurtful.

tracee ekins
June, 25 2018 at 6:54 pm

I've been trolling the internet relentlessly for the last couple of months, reaching out to any and everybody, both legally and mental health related. I just happened upon this page and the tears are literally streaming down my face. Just to hear there are people out there like me, it was like exhaling for the first time. I'm not same sex, but I live in Palm Springs :) LOL. (I always fall back on humor when i really just want to collapse.) I've been so immersed and alone in this bubble of mine. i feel like I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and nobody hears me. There are so many questions I have, so many stories i could tell, most of which, at the time i didn't realize what was happening. It is now, now that its too late that I'm putting all the pieces together. Here is basically what I've been putting out there.... I need help!!! My boyfriend , I believe, no, I’m CERTAIN has DID. (Dissociative Identity Disorder)The more I research, the more I know without a doubt. He has not even fully come to grips with it. He is very good at hiding it. Most people just think he's a jerk, but I swear, he has like 17 alters. A good majority are childlike or adolescent. And for every thing that he absolutely hates and will not tolerate, there’s an alter that does that exact thing. It took me a while to put the pieces together. I’m no stranger to mental illness, but this is like nothing I’ve ever seen. The man i fell in love with is the sweetest, funniest, cuddliest and introspective guy. He is always working on himself, admitting his faults and trying to get better. And then, there’s that m@$&#%*%er that has not an ounce of soul behind his eyes. No feelings, no remorse ….. nothing. Just pure hatred. I am not naive nor am I ignorant. And my intuition has always been notable, and everything in me is saying DONT GIVE UP! He has never been treated for or diagnosed properly so he has never even had a chance. He is one of 9 kids raised by a single mother in a Hispanic family where mental illness is not talked about or considered. I know that he for sure has attachment disorder and abandonment issues compiled in there. He is a case study for sure. I have no doubt with the right psychiatrist/therapist who can tap into what caused the dissociation (I am certain it was severe abuse and his vehement denial of such makes me even more certain) he could be a highly functional flourishing individual. He is very smart, driven and kind. This is a person who would NEVER pass a person who needed help, ignore a homeless person, He even negotiates with bugs to get them out the door so he doesn't have to squish them. He is tortured inside. You can’t fake the fear, sadness and defeat you see in his eyes. He thinks he has a demon in him. He feels unworthy of love. The reason I’m asking for help is he is currently in jail awaiting trial for torture and battery…….. I’m the victim. I can tell you , the person who did those things to me was not him. He doesn’t look the same, he doesn’t talk the same and he has NOTHING behind those eyes. This may sound nuts, but I swear , he’s even taller and more muscular. When he is present, I feel nothing. Well, I do, but it’s all bad. I could kill him with my bare hands and dance on top of his dead carcas . Part of me is nothing but relieved to be rid of him. But when I see the light come back to his eyes and the shame and sadness in there, it breaks my heart. Its worse than anything he could do to me. As you know, torture is a life sentence. I can’t let them throw away an entire life without at least trying to save it. I've attended NAMI support groups and they did say not to mention the DID part. As that diagnosis is still not accepted as valid by some. Nobody will listen to me. They all label me as traumatized, making excuses, in denial, codependent.....etc. I have no doubt that I am a lot of those things, but I am also a very smart, educated and strong woman and I have the ability to sift through the BS, and differentiate FACTS from FEELINGS. I've got a long road ahead and i am well aware of the physical and severe emotional damage that i have endured. I know that i need help with that. There's no way I can deal with it alone. I also know that i have all the time in the world to utilize these resources. He, on the other hand, has none of that. So, for now, i am putting my issues aside and forging on! Every day that i wake up, i brush off all of the rejections and try something new. I tell myself "today is going to be the day". I am no quitter! I am a fighter! I know I'm going to do something important, and when I get to the other side of this, i know I'm going to be able to help somebody else who feels just as defeated as I do now. I’m not even saying that I can stay with him because I can’t ever risk being in that place Again. I could've died. But I do know the wounded,tortured and loving soul in there. HE DESERVES A CHANCE!!!! I’m not going to just give up on him and throw him to the wolves. All he's got is me. My words mean nothing to anybody. I need someone to stop what's going on. Put on the brakes and have him evaluated. NOT BY ANOTHER BIASED PERSON ON THE STATES PAYROLL.They claimed that's what they were going to do, but they are liars. His PD won't even return my calls and I guess she doesn't even have any contact with him either. No evaluation has been done and his next court date is the 28th. HE HAS NO IDEA of the magnitude of his situation. Any help would be most appreciated. There is also a criminal protective order keeping him from contacting me. I want to file a motion to have hat removed. I'm the only one out there fighting for his rights. I have nothing left, but my will and determination but Trust, it is fierce! I will do anything to make sure he doesn't get tossed aside with yesterday's trash. Thank you, Tracee Ekins Well, that's my situation in a nutshell. I am struggling with how to deal with HIM because I cant look into his eyes and know how to deliver what I need to say. I struggle with how to deal with THEM because i can't show any emotion at all, otherwise I'm just a victim. This happened April 4th. I have not stopped fighting for a single day since. Court is on Thursday, and I have NOTHING solid. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure what it is I am even looking for? Now, of course, he thinks God is going to take care of everything. Until I have a plan in action, I am just letting that one ride with him. Now that I know the various alters, it is anywhere BUT safe to be tapping into any of them where he is now

June, 26 2019 at 12:15 am

I don’t know if you will ever see this but email me 25telegram& I need someone to talk to who understands it maybe we can share experiences in so alone

March, 31 2018 at 7:59 pm

Hi just would like to add is if you notice your partner going into one of there mood swings and trust me you will notice it think of a nice place you and your partner recap with your partner over a tea or coffee make sure you are both in a comfy room such as the bedroom and 9 times out of 10 your partner will nod off and you will probably to when they wake they will not remember a thing the was really getting at them they will only remember the lovely chat over a drinks if they do ask you just say to them no we were only chatting we both had a sleep trust me this really works please fill free to email me if it has worked for you.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

August, 2 2018 at 8:06 pm

Hi Gerry, I’m not sure this applies well to DID as their switches aren’t mood swings.

March, 7 2018 at 8:20 am

I have a husband of over 50 years both in our 70s. He was seriously sexually abused as a child by his mother. This has created a great need and he has manipulated his life to have a long term similarly affected person he supports on the side. He comes home to me every night. We now have group therap;y. I have been in AA for 18 years, Alanon for over 30. THis has kept me alive. He goes to AA with me now. Quite a number of men in AA have found a place to deal with their abuse and MPD. God is with us.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

July, 13 2019 at 9:38 am

I'm hoping that you will read this email; I noticed it has been over a year since it was posted. I would so like to share with you. I can't believe the similarities! It has to be God. I have been married 41 years, also in my 70s, husband presented with DID about 18 months ago. Ironically, I am a retired psychologist who has worked with multiples. I have been looking for someone to share with/support, who can relate to my experience as a partner. I am praying you will see this post.

July, 17 2019 at 4:56 pm

Hi, GerriJune.
Thank you very much for your comment. While the original author is no longer available, I am happy to offer my support to you and share my experiences as a married individual with dissociative identity disorder. Supporting someone with DID can be very challenging. I am grateful to have my husband's support. Please feel open and free to share with me so that I may offer my support. Thank you and take care.

Susan zehrer
February, 20 2018 at 8:10 pm

My husband was finally been diagnostic with did about 15 yrs ago I always was diapointed by his actions which was there along time ago when his father died ied he really came out cocaine quit hit his job and then started abusive bahavior raping me calling me lesbian then he had to where I was at all times jaws told toldes to leave him but I had no place to go. Things have gotten better but suffer depression and and anxiety I can tell when he changes now but don’t love him anymore but I try to deal but he is still makes scared because I never know what’s up I am trying to be spupported but is. really hard and there nothing I can do I hope others are stronger then me and deal with it

January, 5 2018 at 9:16 am

So wondering if anyone else has dealt with a similar situation. My fiancé had informed of his alters, but only recently have I seen or interacted with them. It all started because he met someone. He has 3 alters. Bobby (host, shy), Kitty (female, lesbian, polyamorous extrovert), and HD (aggressive, polyamorous). When we first started dating we discussed having a poly relationship. I said I wasn’t there yet but maybe eventually. Well, Kitty, met a bi girl she is interested in.
All three personalities say they love me, but Kitty and HD really want to pursue this other relationship and I am really struggling. I feel like a third wheel. Has anyone else had an issue with the alters falling in love with someone else? How do you cope?

December, 24 2017 at 7:07 pm

I don't know what to do my gf (I'm also female) has broken up with me this time over me not being over her leaving me for the person she cheated with that abused her I was indirectly being argumentive n rubbing in her face what she did name calling,saying I forgave her but kept thinking when she was being quiet or not paying attention to me that she still wanted him or loved him I keep telling her if I knew he abused her j wouldn't have raised my voice let alone brought him up as I was a battered woman in the past myself I thought I wasn't being a scary mean person and I was and now that we found our about her disorder I'm thinking back to when she started the lying n cheating (she was also using meth saying she wasn't anymore she'd never done drugs before that time )when she changed the way she treated me n started doing n saying all theese evil things using my past against me I got distant n disconnected n wasn't paying all my attention to her anymore cuz I felt unloved n unwanted I told her my girl would never say n do this things or want someone else it escalated. Got worse resulting into a breakup n j stayed loyal n still pleaded for us to fix things cuz I really felt she wasn't herself it was the drugs she still was even more mean calling me up with the other person there saying how she didn't love me n didn't want new to leave her alone followed by her accusing me of using saying she wasn't n saying she wasn't in the other relationship with whom she cheated with when I knew she was so she was super mean n I was still professing I loved her n I wanted my girl back that he'd never live her like I did long story short as I can make it she finally got rid of him after he abused her n got her on even more types of drugs she almost oded n died so when she wanted me I came running promising I was over it hense the beginning of this comment. This time I was the aggressor I thought she still loved n wanted him when she'd go all ghost on me (not there) n we fought this time when I yelled I seen her clamor n shake and run n I never abused her before so I asked if he put his hands on her she never answered she cried n days later I find on her safari stuff about pregnancy n meth so I flipped cuz she said she never had sex with him she said she did just one time n her period was crazy n she didn't wanna hurt me telling me I told her the like hurt more she said she had to cuz he made her feel bad but again when u tried to talk about it she shut down and there's now I had to deal with court outta state n when I was ready to come home she said I couldn't cuz I hurt her bringing him up n j scared her when I argued I'd never scared her before so I was even more upset I mean I said n did things not thinking n one night drinking around the kids n I really didn't mean to cuz I love her kids like my own truly. Well now I've read about what I was doing that I thought I was innoscent of n now finally understand fully where I was wrong about he argumebtness around the kids n what I was bringing back to her that was painful I've bn basically begging for a second chance now that I know he abused n practically raped her n she has this disorder and I just wanna come home n show her I've changed my actions n k understand now what she went through as I would have before had I had known and the more n more I read about to the this disorder I can't help but think it had alot to do with what happen the first time we been up n I feel I would have tried harder n loved her more id a never stopped giving her attention cuz I fear that that may have bn a factor in pushing her into the arms of an abuser n it's also my fault I'm dunno what I can say is do anymore for she's telling me it'll never work I'll still argue n think she's cheating n I keep telling her I will not I just wanna right my wrong make it up to her n love her through this new disorder she's had since childhood we believe the drugs have awakened she also has issues with her parents being penocostal n in fear they'd disown her if they knew she was gay and still I don't feel and and wanna save her it's not about thatvor her disorder I lived her before I loved her through her leaving me for someone else n inlive her still the same now I just want my relationship n my family back I love her n those girls more than my own life and I don't care how many personalitys come fourth I'll love her still and just the same even the alters that could possibly have set us up for sabotage I know they're just protecting her because she always seemed to be in relationships where someone left her cheated and emothionally abused her making her feel unloveable unwanted n set up for failure Everytime and she's never had a real relationship where it seems like she was tryly lived at all let alone one worth a female when she feels she's bn gay her while life she's bn afraid to cuz of her family n what we had was almost perfect before the drugs n he boy who broke her heart in high School stepped in. I just need advice how can I get her to believe me when everything n everyone inside her is telling her not to to protect her this girl to me is my one true love my soulmate everything I ever wanted in a partner I just want her back I wanna love her and live with her through this she's scared a he disorder she doesn't wanna have it but she does and I just wanna marry this girl n give her the best love that I can the best a everything that I can I dont have alot a $ I can't buy her alot of things but I can love her n take care of her n those girls and be there for her I know I messed up too n she doesn't wanna forgive me but I'm sure one of them does and I'm sure I could show her I've forgiven her n the past is the past now that I've learned things about myself not just her. So plz any advice HELP ME BELP US

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

December, 24 2017 at 7:19 pm

I'm dustayalexi just wanted to say I'd appreciate any advice about this dissociation disorder I love my gf and will do whatever it takes to get her through this and live with the disorder plz read my prior comment I know its long bir I explained best I could cuz I really believe when we parted this first time had we know about this recently diagnosed dissociation personality disorder that I could have helped her theough it n all of her alters which we don't know how many yet and I could have worked together and she wouldn't have gotten hurt by my actions and reactions I could have protected her too she's a beautiful person she at first smothered me to death she lives her kids she's loves her family she had the worst time finding n making real true friends and she deserves the best if everything.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

December, 31 2017 at 6:49 pm

I think it’s really important for you to try and emotionally set yourself aside from this situation to get a better grasp. Love is the most powerful, healing force that this universe has to offer; however, you shouldn’t pour everything into someone that isn’t entirely willing to help themselves. By this I mean, her ways of coping with her disorder seem to be drug use and unconsciously (unknowingly) putting herself in traumatic or stressful situations (the ex& deep rooted connectedness to past trauma/recreating it as reality). In order for this to really work, you’d be best to have a conversation with her about coming clean off of the substance(s) she may be using to cope, to talk to her about seeing a counselor or professional that can help her identify her behaviors associated with DID and have a safe space to heal and learn better ways to cope. I can only imagine it’s incredibly difficult for both of you, but she’s very lucky to have a person so dedicated to understanding her such as yourself, I wish both of you all the best. But my grebes today advice to you would be; not to take any of this personally, we’ve all been at low points; it’s different for everyone but always difficult. With love and determination all is possible, just do your best to come from a place of love and concern rather than judgement or criticism when speaking on getting professional help. Lots of people see it as a shot toward who they are, but too many people suffer in silence. It’s incredibly brave to admit you don’t have all the answers, the therapists only lend a hand, you’re the one choosing to get back up no matter how many times you were taken down.
Lots of love to both of you!!

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

January, 3 2018 at 1:14 pm

I would suggest you educate yourself as much as possible on the DID. I am just coming out of a 2 year relationship with someone with DID. I have studied and researched. I am the one who figured out she might have Multiple Personalities. She went into therapy to find it to be true. I too felt like you and would do anything to keep her safe and let her know she is loved unconditionally. I love this woman. But there is not just one person in there. There are many and each one has a different relationship with me. The little ones loved me and didn't want me to go. But not all of them a good relationships. Some of the alters loved me and some resented me. And some liked to hang out with me. And others didn't care. It is painful and lonely. I would wait patiently for my girlfriend to show up. I missed her. Still do.
Where we finally got to was I couldn't do it anymore and she didn't want to hurt me. We talked openly about the effects of the DID and what it looked like but then there were other alters who didn't believe they had it. It is so complicated. I read so many books, blogs and websites. Very little support for loved ones of someone with DID but I see more popping up. I do know this: You have to be good with you and you have to care of yourself to live with someone who has DID. You have to have a sense of humor too. Some of it is comical. For me trying so hard to care for my love I neglected me. But it wasn't my love, it was my loves. They are different people in that one body. Sometimes with how much I have educated myself on DID I find it difficult to grasp. One of the books that helped me understand what it might look like inside her mind was by Cameron West titled "First Person Plural". It always helps me not make it about about me when I know she cannot control who pops in and out. She said to me once "We do so well until the DID drives a wedge between us." I replied "Yes, Love"
I have also surrendered to I Can Not Love Her Well!
Peace be with you.

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