advertisement

Tips For Partners Living with Dissociative Identity Disorder

January 17, 2011 Holly Gray

Living with dissociative identity disorder (DID) presents unique difficulties, whether you're the one that has it or the person who loves the one living with it. I can only imagine how frustrating, confusing, even painful it must sometimes be to have a partner with DID.

I've witnessed how challenging it often is for my own partner and, if some of the comments I've received here at Dissociative Living are in any way representative, her experience is typical. But it's also largely ignored. Partners of people with DID don't get that much support or encouragement, primarily because only those who've been there can truly understand (Caregiver Stress and Compassion Fatigue).

3 Tips for Partners Who Love Someone Living With DID

I asked my partner what she'd say to help partners of those living with dissociative identity disorder. Check out her 3 tips for people affected by DID. As someone with dissociative identity disorder, my perspective is different than my partner's. I think that's what makes hers so important. Significant others are in a unique position to offer viewpoints and ideas that might otherwise be overlooked. When I asked my partner what she'd say to someone in a relationship with a person with DID, this is what she said:

  1. Know and maintain your own boundaries. You can't support others if you aren't supporting yourself. You're going to let your partner down sometimes. That's true in any relationship. When you let someone with DID down, the ramifications can be far-reaching and surprisingly painful. It may be tempting to make your own needs negotiable in order to ensure peace and stability. But that will backfire eventually by sowing the seeds of resentment and creating an unhealthy imbalance. Knowing your limits, and making the hard decisions required to honor them is vital. Believe me, sacrificing yourself won't heal your partner's wounds anyway.
  2. Nearly impossible, but try to learn how to not take it personally. You're going to be the villain to some no matter what. People with DID generally have trust issues that nearly incapacitate them in relationships. It's not unusual for protective alters to attempt to sabotage intimate relationships. That's not about you.
  3. Learn as much as you can, but remember all systems are different. There is no way to be in a relationship with someone with DID and not be profoundly affected. Living with dissociative identity disorder is just plain hard. It only makes sense to educate yourself. Not for your partner's benefit, but for yours. It's awfully hard to cope with something you don't understand (3 Ugly Truths about Dissociative Identity Disorder).

Living with Dissociative Identity Disorder Is A Choice for You

Those of us with DID don't have the option of walking away from the illness. You do. For my part, I'd like to remind you that no matter how it feels, DID isn't forced on you. You can leave, or choose not to get involved at all. Those of us with this disorder would spare you if we could. So when it gets rough - and it will get rough - please remember this: living with dissociative identity disorder is a decision you're making, not something we're doing to you. Blame us for our choices and behaviors ... not for having DID.

Follow me on Twitter!

Photo by Randy Pagatpatan

APA Reference
Gray, H. (2011, January 17). Tips For Partners Living with Dissociative Identity Disorder, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2022, July 1 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/dissociativeliving/2011/01/for-partners-living-with-dissociative-identity-disorder



Author: Holly Gray

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

GerrieJune
July, 13 2019 at 9:38 am

I'm hoping that you will read this email; I noticed it has been over a year since it was posted. I would so like to share with you. I can't believe the similarities! It has to be God. I have been married 41 years, also in my 70s, husband presented with DID about 18 months ago. Ironically, I am a retired psychologist who has worked with multiples. I have been looking for someone to share with/support, who can relate to my experience as a partner. I am praying you will see this post.

July, 17 2019 at 4:56 pm

Hi, GerriJune.
Thank you very much for your comment. While the original author is no longer available, I am happy to offer my support to you and share my experiences as a married individual with dissociative identity disorder. Supporting someone with DID can be very challenging. I am grateful to have my husband's support. Please feel open and free to share with me so that I may offer my support. Thank you and take care.

Susan zehrer
February, 20 2018 at 8:10 pm

My husband was finally been diagnostic with did about 15 yrs ago I always was diapointed by his actions which was there along time ago when his father died ied he really came out cocaine quit hit his job and then started abusive bahavior raping me calling me lesbian then he had to where I was at all times jaws told toldes to leave him but I had no place to go. Things have gotten better but suffer depression and and anxiety I can tell when he changes now but don’t love him anymore but I try to deal but he is still makes scared because I never know what’s up I am trying to be spupported but is. really hard and there nothing I can do I hope others are stronger then me and deal with it

Jessica
January, 5 2018 at 9:16 am

So wondering if anyone else has dealt with a similar situation. My fiancé had informed of his alters, but only recently have I seen or interacted with them. It all started because he met someone. He has 3 alters. Bobby (host, shy), Kitty (female, lesbian, polyamorous extrovert), and HD (aggressive, polyamorous). When we first started dating we discussed having a poly relationship. I said I wasn’t there yet but maybe eventually. Well, Kitty, met a bi girl she is interested in.
All three personalities say they love me, but Kitty and HD really want to pursue this other relationship and I am really struggling. I feel like a third wheel. Has anyone else had an issue with the alters falling in love with someone else? How do you cope?

Dustayalexi
December, 24 2017 at 7:07 pm

I don't know what to do my gf (I'm also female) has broken up with me this time over me not being over her leaving me for the person she cheated with that abused her I was indirectly being argumentive n rubbing in her face what she did name calling,saying I forgave her but kept thinking when she was being quiet or not paying attention to me that she still wanted him or loved him I keep telling her if I knew he abused her j wouldn't have raised my voice let alone brought him up as I was a battered woman in the past myself I thought I wasn't being a scary mean person and I was and now that we found our about her disorder I'm thinking back to when she started the lying n cheating (she was also using meth saying she wasn't anymore she'd never done drugs before that time )when she changed the way she treated me n started doing n saying all theese evil things using my past against me I got distant n disconnected n wasn't paying all my attention to her anymore cuz I felt unloved n unwanted I told her my girl would never say n do this things or want someone else it escalated. Got worse resulting into a breakup n j stayed loyal n still pleaded for us to fix things cuz I really felt she wasn't herself it was the drugs she still was even more mean calling me up with the other person there saying how she didn't love me n didn't want new to leave her alone followed by her accusing me of using saying she wasn't n saying she wasn't in the other relationship with whom she cheated with when I knew she was so she was super mean n I was still professing I loved her n I wanted my girl back that he'd never live her like I did long story short as I can make it she finally got rid of him after he abused her n got her on even more types of drugs she almost oded n died so when she wanted me I came running promising I was over it hense the beginning of this comment. This time I was the aggressor I thought she still loved n wanted him when she'd go all ghost on me (not there) n we fought this time when I yelled I seen her clamor n shake and run n I never abused her before so I asked if he put his hands on her she never answered she cried n days later I find on her safari stuff about pregnancy n meth so I flipped cuz she said she never had sex with him she said she did just one time n her period was crazy n she didn't wanna hurt me telling me I told her the like hurt more she said she had to cuz he made her feel bad but again when u tried to talk about it she shut down and there's now I had to deal with court outta state n when I was ready to come home she said I couldn't cuz I hurt her bringing him up n j scared her when I argued I'd never scared her before so I was even more upset I mean I said n did things not thinking n one night drinking around the kids n I really didn't mean to cuz I love her kids like my own truly. Well now I've read about what I was doing that I thought I was innoscent of n now finally understand fully where I was wrong about he argumebtness around the kids n what I was bringing back to her that was painful I've bn basically begging for a second chance now that I know he abused n practically raped her n she has this disorder and I just wanna come home n show her I've changed my actions n k understand now what she went through as I would have before had I had known and the more n more I read about to the this disorder I can't help but think it had alot to do with what happen the first time we been up n I feel I would have tried harder n loved her more id a never stopped giving her attention cuz I fear that that may have bn a factor in pushing her into the arms of an abuser n it's also my fault I'm dunno what I can say is do anymore for she's telling me it'll never work I'll still argue n think she's cheating n I keep telling her I will not I just wanna right my wrong make it up to her n love her through this new disorder she's had since childhood we believe the drugs have awakened she also has issues with her parents being penocostal n in fear they'd disown her if they knew she was gay and still I don't feel and and wanna save her it's not about thatvor her disorder I lived her before I loved her through her leaving me for someone else n inlive her still the same now I just want my relationship n my family back I love her n those girls more than my own life and I don't care how many personalitys come fourth I'll love her still and just the same even the alters that could possibly have set us up for sabotage I know they're just protecting her because she always seemed to be in relationships where someone left her cheated and emothionally abused her making her feel unloveable unwanted n set up for failure Everytime and she's never had a real relationship where it seems like she was tryly lived at all let alone one worth a female when she feels she's bn gay her while life she's bn afraid to cuz of her family n what we had was almost perfect before the drugs n he boy who broke her heart in high School stepped in. I just need advice how can I get her to believe me when everything n everyone inside her is telling her not to to protect her this girl to me is my one true love my soulmate everything I ever wanted in a partner I just want her back I wanna love her and live with her through this she's scared a he disorder she doesn't wanna have it but she does and I just wanna marry this girl n give her the best love that I can the best a everything that I can I dont have alot a $ I can't buy her alot of things but I can love her n take care of her n those girls and be there for her I know I messed up too n she doesn't wanna forgive me but I'm sure one of them does and I'm sure I could show her I've forgiven her n the past is the past now that I've learned things about myself not just her. So plz any advice HELP ME BELP US

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Dustayalexi
December, 24 2017 at 7:19 pm

I'm dustayalexi just wanted to say I'd appreciate any advice about this dissociation disorder I love my gf and will do whatever it takes to get her through this and live with the disorder plz read my prior comment I know its long bir I explained best I could cuz I really believe when we parted this first time had we know about this recently diagnosed dissociation personality disorder that I could have helped her theough it n all of her alters which we don't know how many yet and I could have worked together and she wouldn't have gotten hurt by my actions and reactions I could have protected her too she's a beautiful person she at first smothered me to death she lives her kids she's loves her family she had the worst time finding n making real true friends and she deserves the best if everything.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Lily
December, 31 2017 at 6:49 pm

I think it’s really important for you to try and emotionally set yourself aside from this situation to get a better grasp. Love is the most powerful, healing force that this universe has to offer; however, you shouldn’t pour everything into someone that isn’t entirely willing to help themselves. By this I mean, her ways of coping with her disorder seem to be drug use and unconsciously (unknowingly) putting herself in traumatic or stressful situations (the ex& deep rooted connectedness to past trauma/recreating it as reality). In order for this to really work, you’d be best to have a conversation with her about coming clean off of the substance(s) she may be using to cope, to talk to her about seeing a counselor or professional that can help her identify her behaviors associated with DID and have a safe space to heal and learn better ways to cope. I can only imagine it’s incredibly difficult for both of you, but she’s very lucky to have a person so dedicated to understanding her such as yourself, I wish both of you all the best. But my grebes today advice to you would be; not to take any of this personally, we’ve all been at low points; it’s different for everyone but always difficult. With love and determination all is possible, just do your best to come from a place of love and concern rather than judgement or criticism when speaking on getting professional help. Lots of people see it as a shot toward who they are, but too many people suffer in silence. It’s incredibly brave to admit you don’t have all the answers, the therapists only lend a hand, you’re the one choosing to get back up no matter how many times you were taken down.
Lots of love to both of you!!

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Rockeli
January, 24 2022 at 8:21 pm

I think that my husband may have DID. He’s been stressed and has been losing time. I have had to keep repeating info to him and it gets frustrating at times. He’s so inconsistent. One day he will like something and the next he will hate it. I find myself walking on eggshells. He only ever allows himself to feel happiness or anger. There is no in between. I’ve discussed him seeing a therapist but he refuses. I have seen a therapist and after explaining his behavior she is the one who asked if he had ever been diagnosed with DID or a personality disorder. After reading about DID, I was able to find some consistency in his behavior. I’m not sure how to ask him about it since he’s always shuts down my suggestion of going to therapy. I see a therapist and it has helped me so much to deal with my past and to learn new coping habits. His behavior is starting to affect not just our relationship but also his relationship with our kids. He’s so guarded and I don’t know how to help him other than to be there for him.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Lynn
January, 3 2018 at 1:14 pm

I would suggest you educate yourself as much as possible on the DID. I am just coming out of a 2 year relationship with someone with DID. I have studied and researched. I am the one who figured out she might have Multiple Personalities. She went into therapy to find it to be true. I too felt like you and would do anything to keep her safe and let her know she is loved unconditionally. I love this woman. But there is not just one person in there. There are many and each one has a different relationship with me. The little ones loved me and didn't want me to go. But not all of them a good relationships. Some of the alters loved me and some resented me. And some liked to hang out with me. And others didn't care. It is painful and lonely. I would wait patiently for my girlfriend to show up. I missed her. Still do.
Where we finally got to was I couldn't do it anymore and she didn't want to hurt me. We talked openly about the effects of the DID and what it looked like but then there were other alters who didn't believe they had it. It is so complicated. I read so many books, blogs and websites. Very little support for loved ones of someone with DID but I see more popping up. I do know this: You have to be good with you and you have to care of yourself to live with someone who has DID. You have to have a sense of humor too. Some of it is comical. For me trying so hard to care for my love I neglected me. But it wasn't my love, it was my loves. They are different people in that one body. Sometimes with how much I have educated myself on DID I find it difficult to grasp. One of the books that helped me understand what it might look like inside her mind was by Cameron West titled "First Person Plural". It always helps me not make it about about me when I know she cannot control who pops in and out. She said to me once "We do so well until the DID drives a wedge between us." I replied "Yes, Love"
I have also surrendered to I Can Not Love Her Well!
Peace be with you.

Jess
December, 1 2017 at 1:45 am

Fiance' acts 100% completely when he is stressed...He is the most caring and sometimes overly attentive to my needs BUT when he gets stressed out or we have an argument (that may or may note a part of something greater than I can probably handle. He says the most hateful things to me, one of which hurt me to the core because I was sent to a treatment center because my depression got so bad, he told me in a heated argument that resulted in catching him in lies, "Just go back to the hospital, I'll help you pack!" Someone who is genuinely loving toward me and will do anything to help another said that to me and I can't process it all. I noticed that he may have something there inside him when I told myself that "he just does not look and sound like himself". He has not been tested and I really don't know-how to bring it to his attention without triggering. He has been lying and making inappropriate comments to other females but when I do confront him this extremely ugly personality comes out, it's the only way I describe it, then " shut up, you fucking bitch, etc" comes out of this person who would die for me. I would say 8/10 times, he doesn't remember even saying those things. I'm so scared for us. I don't know what to do. Everyone here commenting knows their s/o has the disorder, what advice can you give someone that doesn't even know yet what she's dealing with.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Tammy
December, 2 2017 at 12:34 pm

When I discovered my husband had DID, he was experiencing flash backs and reliving his childhood trauma. Shortly after this, he had a tingling memory of having an affair. This sparked the first of several trips to the psych hospital. It was then that I started doing reseach about the disorder, and educating myself. two more years of therapy, and med rearrangement and another psych hospital visit. Then For 4 years he was in a drug induced state of Seroquel. No personalities/alters surfaced at this time. "he" wouldn't allow it. He said he would rather be dead than let that ever happen without his knowledge again. In 2016, he decide the Seroquel was killing him, so he ween off of it. And all the alters have reappeared. 7 total. Half of the days, they are a hoot. The other days, I am met with a barrage of accusations about ME having an affair. This is very distorted and delusional thinking. I love them all, even the "mean" one who stirs the proverbial pot. Anyway, the only advise I have is: take a lot of deep breaths, be ready to forgive, be honest, but kind. I have made a lot of mistakes and can only ask for forgivness. It's like a tube of toothpaste, once it comes out, you can't put it back. They hold grudges, but they also forgive. Hope I helped a bit.

Jessie04
December, 1 2017 at 12:07 am

I just been diagnosed with conversation Identity Disorder after doctoring for two years. My girlfriend refusing to have any kind of sexual relationship and we been together for 5 years. I'm so hurt and frustrated. She won't even allow me to hug her. I don't know how we can. Get past this.

bluemoon
November, 4 2017 at 4:19 pm

I'm having a hard time dealing with my S/O's alters. One in particular hates the very air I breath. I can't do anything I do or say is wrong. I've been fighting a lot with the alter and when I argue/fight back he hurts himself. He tells me I'm abusive and I'm a piece of shit. I don't talk to anyone about it, I thought I was handling it, not taking it personally but all I have been doing is crying. I realize that on an intellectual level that this is not the person I love saying these things, but my heart hurts. I feel like I can't dig myself out of this pit, nothing I do to try and fix things is working. The alter is coming out more and more and just literly trying to make me crazy. I'm trying my best but it's not good enough.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Alanna
February, 16 2018 at 12:25 pm

I am here with you ♥️

A.m. Carter
September, 29 2017 at 6:52 am

My gf of 5 years is considering integration especially after a huge fight we had been and ended up being an alter trying to keep me from her. I want her to do this if she wants to NOT for me. I was wondering if there is more information out there that I can read on about integration pros cons everything. I know that it's a hard long process but I know she is desperately ill and needing advice and guidance and want to make sure I discuss everything with good knowledge of it.

Mom and wife
September, 23 2017 at 8:17 am

I'm so confused, heartbroken, and hurt. My spouse of almost a decade was just diagnosed with DID and told me about it last week. We have had hard patches of course. But he has hidden so much from me and himself. Now that we know he is trying to not turn off and let the personalities out. We have two children. 7 and 4. He asked me to really consider and that I can leave if I want but he really needs me as a friend to help navigate how to learn to live like this. It explains so muc. How he can be all over the place every other day. I can't just leave. He finally told me how just how much he doesn't remember. Sometimes he doesn't remember the birth of our children... I am so heartbroken. For him and myself. I don't know what to do. Or where to start. He is in therapy but most of the time his businessy personality thinks couples therapy is a waste of time. I have had a very hard time finding myself a therapist. I have always put my husband and children first. I also suffer from moderate occasional depression and anxiety. He has always been so busy keeping himself in check. It makes total sense now how he just doesn't see me or what I'm going through. Does anyone have a happy life with a spouse with DID? So far I haven't been able to find any happy ending stories. How do I explain to my young children, oh yeah, daddy's a different personality today. So he probably won't want to play with you and will have zero patience if you don't acknowledge him when he speaks to you. Just wait for the other personality to come out and want to play on your bedroom floor with you. I just. What am I supposed to do?!

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Phill
September, 27 2017 at 2:30 pm

I have been married to my wife 27 years, she has been diagnosed as having fractured personality, MPD, and the newest one DID. She is no Sybil, all of her alters are fracturing of one personality who may not even be alive any more. I can give possible insight from experience it may help and it may not.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Mom and wife
October, 9 2017 at 11:40 am

Yeah! That would be great. I totally see the one fractured personality. And no, it's nothing like Sybil or United states of Tara. Part of him is religious/spiritual like me. Some parts think I'm full of shit. Some parts of him support my dreams and want to be involved somehow. Other parts again think "oh that's nice ?, you have fun with that." So it's looking like I have to just realize when to keep my mouth shut and just keep it to myself? Sometimes I'll have a partner, other times an aquantence who just kind of puts up with me like a room mate?

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Dad and Husand
February, 13 2018 at 1:14 pm

When you think you are all alone and then read something like this. My wife was just diagnosed and it's been a blessing and also overwhelming. Just reading others having the same issues makes this world a little less lonely and terrifying.

Julia
September, 11 2017 at 7:28 am

Can I get some advice?

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Julia
September, 11 2017 at 7:32 am

I was talking to a guy for almost a month when I couldn't meet him for dinner one night he got a little upset but said he understood. A few days after he wasn't replying to my messages as much. He finally told me he had another personality named Travis and that he had be flipping on and off. Just a few days ago he sent me a text saying leave us alone Tyler is a loser and he don't need to be happy. I am very hurt and want to talk to Tyler but Travis won't let me. What can I do?

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Crystalie
September, 11 2017 at 12:20 pm

It's understandable that you are hurt. It's difficult to communicate with a system when there are parts who do not agree with the relationship. There may also be parts involved who sabotage in order to protect everyone in the system. You can't force it. You may have to be patient until Travis backs away to talk with Tyler.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Alex
September, 11 2017 at 1:01 pm

I've encountered similar situations with my girlfriend who has 18 alters of varying ages. My advice would be to talk to Travis and ask if it's ok to talk with him (Travis) and try to find out more. Why does he think Tyler is a "loser". It feels like Travis doesn't trust you or doesn't want Tyler to be happy. We "Singletons" do that too with self destructive behavior. With my girlfriend's alters I took the time to get to know those that come out regularly and first PROVE to them that they can trust me. Without that, you'll never get anywhere. DID can be challenging to maneuver for us, but it's even more so for them. We have a choice. They don't. So if you're in it, be honest, be vulnerable, set boundaries and respect theirs. If you need to chat more, let me know. :-)

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Alex
September, 11 2017 at 2:47 pm

I mentioned your situation to my girlfriend and she had a few thoughts. When you made a date and broke it, he may subconsciously reacted by switching to the fear of rejection even though he said it was no big deal. Just curious, did you follow up with a rescheduled date or give him attention immediately afterwards? She said DID alters are usually formed very early in life through some type of trauma. It's hard for them to trust. Even a simple change of plans without reassurance or a reschedule can lead to feelings of rejection or a new trauma. He may have reached a point of intimacy to where he now wants to test you. Will you run, will you agree with the "loser" assessment?

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Eva
September, 17 2017 at 6:17 am

Sorry to post here, but I couldn't find the new comment spot. But I need advice too.
I'm almost 39, have had mpd since I was 3. And I have always had the problem of making friends. While I have been married, had 2 wonderful children, been divorced, n currently in a relationship for almost 5 yrs to the most wonderful man alive, I just can't make a true "friend". I have learned years ago that I just can't trust anyone, or tell anyone my deepest, most darkest secret. That there are several of "Me". My boyfriend will tell you at least 6. I gave up 10 yrs ago trying to figure out how many there are. My dr said there were at least 4. I'm not close to my family back home. My kids I see rarely cause their father refuses to let them talk to me, even tho I raised them by myself for 14 yrs. I've lost many good jobs due to my disappearing act. People think I'm on drugs cause I'm never "the same" and I am always losing or gaining weight.
Anyhow, My boyfriend and I are going through some hard times right now, and the more stress there is, the worse things are at home. I recently confided to a "friend" from work who we have know for three yrs, about the others. I thought I could actually trust her. I've always been there for her in her times of need, wither it was guy issues, her friend issues, or even if she needed a few items from the store. Confiding in her was a BIG mistake.
I work, but it's not enough. We can't afford groceries and gas for my car right now. I don't get food stamps. She was going to the store and asked if we needed anything. Just milk n a bag of cereal was all I asked for. We had NOTHING. Our landlord even had to come in the house and look in our fridge and cabinets to see that we truly had no food in the house. They thought we were lying. I had been bring food home from work for my bf and animals. But a manager refused to let me do that any more. While letting the next coworker needing food for her family to go in and grab $50 worth. Like I said, everyone thinks I'm on drugs. Anyhow, we hadn't heard from my "friend" about the milk n cereal, and when I texted her, she did the same thing all the other so called "friends" do to me. Told me I was crazy and that she never said that she would help us out. That hurt. Cause I thought she was a true friend. And I remember her telling me at work that she would help. Not that she is obligated to help, but she said she wanted to. And now the mind games began. And I hate the mind games people play with me when they figure out I'm a little off in the head. And I always figure it out. Sometimes it takes a while, and I look like a fool, trusting her and being there for her or whoever, while they play their game with me. But I come back and figure it all out. And once again, learned I just can't trust anyone but my man. And I'm tired of it. But I let it go. I'm not out to get her or anything, but I don't know how much longer I can do this. I woke up Thursday morning 5 hrs from home in some rest stop with no phone, scaring my boyfriend and missing work. My boss thankfully not firing me. But no longer finding me reliable.
While my boyfriend understands and loves me, I don't know how much longer he can deal with it, and I don't know how to talk to my boss so she understands. And my "friend", I'll continue to be nice to her, but there is absolutely no trust there any more. And just because I'm use to this happening, doesn't mean it doesn't still hurts. Cause it does.
So how can I talk to my boss and get at least her to understand my downfalls? Cause the older I get, the harder it is to keep it together. And we can't afford for me to not work.

Branna
August, 12 2017 at 11:03 pm

Im so confused. What do y'all mean by "Alter?"

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

gwen jackson
September, 3 2017 at 12:36 pm

the other person or persons that share your mind and body

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Crystalie
September, 11 2017 at 12:18 pm

Alters are another name for alternate identities, parts, etc.

Tyler Jack
July, 26 2017 at 1:15 pm

So my girlfriend has DID. Which I'm totally ok with. But the alters want to date people and have intercorse and stuff but idk how I feel about it. Help me?

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Vic. Fiancé of Many
June, 5 2019 at 9:47 am

Hello! Sorry to comment here but has anyone here experienced alters trying to become romantic with main personalities, or sharing a common head space in general? I’m confused and I want to help but to help I need to be knowledgeable.

Sally
June, 30 2017 at 4:40 am

Hi everyone, wow you're all echoing my life right now. This is soul diminishing isn't it?!?!? I'd never heard of DID, I just chanced upon it during one of my numerous web searches asking for help with my fiancé of 7 years. I too thought at first it was because he was hooked on drugs, then I thought it was the alcohol, then whatever else was thrown my way. But it's only because of chancing upon a description of DID that I was able to look back at our past, very tumultuous relationship, that I began to 'see' when he changed, and how often he changed. Surely there HAS to be a way to talk to them, the host, or to draw them out of hiding?!?!? I've been told once, when I asked when my partner was coming back, "he's not coming back!" Is what I was told. That was 2 years ago and our relationship has been no where near as close as it used to be. I'm starting to think he actually hasn't come back and I've been trying to fix our relationship with an alter.
I've witnessed a switch. This probably sounds melodramatic but it really did look like his eyes rolled back in his head (they didn't) but his eyes became very, very dark, his face seemed to darken too, and any signs of empathy disappeared completely. I call this one the gatekeeper.
The thing is before I was aware of what I was dealing with I said some pretty dumb things to him. I thought at one stage he was possessed, so I walked up to him, looked him dead in the eye and said "give it your best shot buddy, you don't frighten me. If anything YOU should be scared of me!" ..... oops! That's the LAST thing he needed to hear. ☹️
Oh this is so heartbreaking. He's moved back in with his parents and I know/feel very strongly that they are either the cause of this or they've tried to bury it, cover it up and just pretend nothing happened. Because around them is when he switches more often. Like the rest of you, I just don't know what to do or where to go for help. I've promised him I won't abandon him. I never have and never will, but he has shut the door on me! So what do I do?

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Deanne Vaughsn
July, 15 2017 at 9:28 pm

I am going through the same thing. There's no professional help on our small town. I don't know what to do. I've said the same things to him as you did. At the time I had no idea he had DID. He has four alters and one is really mean. I don't know what to do. We were together for ten years and then we married and that's when things changed.

Big Mike
June, 14 2017 at 1:57 pm

I was reading this and it struck a cord with me. I usually don't leave comments, but I just want to say that my mom has d.i.d. and this is a confirmation for me. No matter all the goods things I've done for her, she makes me out to be the villain. She went to extremes and helped other people to bring me down. I don't take it personally, because I recognized that something wasn't right when I was a kid. It doesn't feel good with the abusive behaviors of my mom, but I've learned to keep my distance and set boundaries

JKane
May, 25 2017 at 9:46 am

Can someone send me a email about this i Have a partner and we are going true a horrible stage of did and I have to talk to someone that has it too to get a diffrent view point.

Stacey Nelson
April, 28 2017 at 7:48 pm

I met a guy online started out as a friendship within 2 wks I decided he seemed harmless then he told me he loves me after a month that's a red flag. As the relationship progressed he flipped then act as nothing happened. He plays people just like teens do between parents to get what he needs. He mentioned he grew up in an abusive home. But then he says his mom's a cardiologist Dr. He graduated high school early joined the Navy and college. I had a worse childhood and dealt with it. What he'd tell me never made sense I'd catch him in lies. I'm 10 yrs older than him. He's destroyed the other families house where he was living he's not from here so of course I felt bad excused his behavior on alcohol. I told him he can't drink alcohol and he needed to seek help. He's been here 9 months we dated for 7 on and off. I recently found out he has a gay alter this person showed me the picture my ex sent him a dick pic and a message professing his love for the married man. He gets lost easy and panics. I constantly have to repeat myself. In the meantime I have a disabled son I'm disabled with rare spine disease and my dad is fighting cancer an aggressive cancer. He's too much to deal with especially when he adds more problems. My ex never said he has DID. He is on disability he told me he lied to get it. I figured it was because he was in the military. He's told me he has iq of 160. He doesn't act like he does in the last 4 months he's been arrested 4 times. He's 38yrs old and never got his driver's license. I had him removed from my home. It's been over a wk. He's still bothering me I've blocked 6 numbers he's called me from. He's on probation and homeless I even told him please go find someone else. He uses emotional blackmail to get his way. It's draining I think he sneaks on my property and sleeps behind my garage ugh he can go to the homeless shelter what else can I do so he'll leave me alone I feel he's obsessed with me.

Ray
February, 19 2017 at 6:55 pm

I have been married for 3 years, and we have been together on and off for about 8 years. Recently, it seems my wife can not get over issues we had together in the past. She only blames me. It always my fault. The past 6 months I have been beating myself up over this, but recently when I was removed from our relationship by an order of protection, I could finally see things differently. In the order, my wife stated I had issues such as I abuse my legal meds, I am mean to my stepson, when everyone else knows differently. If I ever made 1 mistake, it is held against me to this day. What didn't make since in the order of protection, is that she told fabrications about me being an abuser of my meds,( since I did not stop taking them after my 1 yr old son accidently digested part of one,) yet she still allowed visitation with her alone with the kids and I. It is as she had to control the circumstances of our relationship.
My wife had a very difficult childhood. She only gave me glimpses into the past. Her parents where constantly fighting in front of her, and she once told me about her mom throwing glass dishes at her. Along with this, she had an accident in which she fell on a 4 inch knife and has a large unexplained gash in the back of her head. She to this day, doesn't know what this is from, but based upon her hating her parents for a number of years, I believe she thinks it was because of them. Like dropping her as a baby.
Given the difficult past of my wife, and the back and forth of her treatment of me, I found many similiarities between DID and her.
Yet, I don't want to accuse her of this? I have asked her to go to counseling with me, but she refuses. She told other she would go to marriage counseling, but when she talks to me, it comes to my issues. This is really how its been for the past 3 months. But prior, one minute she would love me, the other she would hate me. In the last months, we would be getting along great and then, all the sudden, it was as she put up her guard and was someone else.
What really hurts, is my wife has been through this before. In her first marriage, she completely removed my stepsons biological father and grandparents from his life. She never even had the discussion with my son, about his legal last name. He learned his legal first name on the first day of 4th grade when he attended a public school and they required him to use his legal name. Based on what I gathered over the years, the dad and family tried, but after 2 years, they called it quits since his dad wasn't that attached after 4 months with my stepson when he was a baby.
Now, I have an order, and it is turning into the same scenario. At first the order was place against me, and now she has told my parent they can no longer see the kids, because I am mismanaging the money. Yet we came to agreement in court on this, and this was her idea, now when it effects what she wants to do, it sets her off. And just days before, she was crying and breaking down in my arms, and then she wants to have me arrested the next week.
I am not a doctor. And the last thing I want to do is make this claim in court, but if anyone that reads this maybe able to offer some suggestions, outside of get out of the relationship, it would be appreciated. I am fine moving on, I've accepted that over the past 6 weeks of the order, but now my concern is how to move forward, so I can still be in my 3 kids lives.
Thanks
I have been reading a number of articles, about behavior similar to my wifes, and DID and her have a lot in common.

Mychelle
February, 12 2017 at 10:36 am

Oh please tell me this site or link is still up. I have so many questions.

Joy
January, 4 2017 at 12:57 pm

My husbands suffers from DID and paranoia schizophrenic . We've been married for 12 years, and it has been extremely difficult. He has left me multiple times and has had affairs, which were my fault due to him thinking I was cheating. He has moved us from state to state away from my children and family. I feel isolated and alone. He doesn't sleep, every noise he hears, makes him Paranoid. He thinks someone is in the house, or that I'm hiding a man under the bed.He has the house with Booby traps, constantly accusing me of cheating or hiding things. He is watching my every mood, makes me feel as if I am a bad person. I'm lost and torn on how to handle him at times. I don't feel safe at times due to mean scary threats he makes. I don't know how much more I can take. I love him dearly and have supported him thru all of this yet I feel as I'm being punished for his altars. What to do? Lost and alone joy

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Ecco
April, 27 2017 at 8:54 am

I didn't intend to comment here but Joy I would love to get in touch with you. My husband has exactly the same conditions and I know for a fact I am unsafe. My husband has more than once held me hostage with a knife to my throat or scalp or eye or knees and I also feel so incredibly alone. I can't talk to any of my professors at uni because title ix will require them to make a report and I don't want bad things for him I just want him to get some help. But it's hard for me too, he calls me an asshole or a bitch pretty much every day, he is constantly gaslighting me telling me where I "really was" instead of at school or the store or whatever place I told him I was (and actually was). He accuses me of cheating multiple times every day and in the last month has left my body bruised and even hit my head hard enough I am pretty sure I had a concussion. I even experienced difficulties walking and some fairly severe dysgraphia. I thought for sure I had some brain damage at the time but it seems to have healed ok. I can't imagine anyone in my life really cares, even when I have pointed out the bruises (he's good at making sure they are places easily covered like my breasts, stomach or thighs) most people even those who are supposed to care just sort of shy away and change the subject. On the extremely rare occasion that my family does come to visit they spend their time complaining about the broken things, holes in the walls and how cluttered the house is rather than taking thirty seconds to ask if things are ok. They aren't. He has been bitching lately that I don't trust him and the truth is I don't, how can I trust a man who can go from sweet, loving and supportive to literally a different person who is violent and angry and mean all because he didn't like my tone when I said "no" or because he's SURE that I'm lying when I said I put the leftovers away last night since he can't find them today. The dog is my only friend and I feel so guilty for keeping her because he has during episodes choked her or held a piece of broken glass to her throat and threatened to flay her (skin her alive). I told him once that I thought maybe we should give her to my mom or someone else after one such episode because I thought it wasn't likely we would go the rest of our lives without another fight. That meant I was an asshole too, I was choked that time. I sometimes wish he would just kill me and get it over with but I'm afraid too, how much does it hurt to have your throat slit? He'll make sure it's alot I assure you.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

caitlin
June, 7 2017 at 6:03 pm

its not your fault he had affairs because he “thought” u were cheating. That is unacceptable.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Shellie Schulze
June, 29 2017 at 11:37 am

Oh dear Joy... I am so sorry for your turmoil. I have no medical answers for you however I am a minister and I just wanted to express to you my heartfelt love and concern for you. Do you have a bible? If you do I can send you some verses that give so much hope and promises for our future. This WILL PASS Joy. I will pray for you. And know that our heavenly Father sees your pain, as well as the pain with which your husband suffers. Take care of yourself and please email me if you would like to have those healing verses.

Luke
January, 3 2017 at 8:07 am

Hi I am a 37 year old male who is now living with a 44 year old woman who I love and care for more than life itself...I have come to the conclusion that she suffers from DID relating to an horror of a child hood where sexual abuse was very evident... I have been with her for almost 4 years now and about 2 years ago we had a heart to heart where she admitted that because of her past she does not enjoy sexual encounters with me...this at first upset me but I quickly realized that this was not her fault...but something she found very difficult to live with she also gave me the name of the person that had done these terrible things...and described to me how when she reached adolescent age she became brave enough to tell someone...and they shut it down accused her of lying and completely disbelieved her...well i believed her and thought that i would contact the police in order for her to tell her story and get some sort of closure knowing that i would be right there with her...well short story for the 3 years constantly and regular every week the person had done this to my gorgeous woman was let off the hook and we were told that he had served his time for the crime against her and had served 250 hours community service...well obviously I had to stand by and watch my woman fall to pieces...since that moment it has got a lot worst...I.e her being triggered... Switching and the rage and violence that she will take on...all I am asking is if there is anyone with any advice whatsoever...? I love her and I am definitely in for the long haul...and am willing to help her in anyway I can..:)
Thank you for your time in reading this.

Gina
December, 11 2016 at 10:07 am

Robert
I read your story (and many others) with great interest, tremendous sadness and great concern. It all mirrors my story. I too had a wonderful relationship for 5 years; or so I thought. To make it worse, we were working together. Work never lasts, even though he is very capable, he cannot hold it together. Too much switching... I am now pretty sure that the alter I am in a relationship with is gone. I do not believe that alters 'die'; but they can go into hybernation if they are not needed. And my 'man' has been gone for over a year. I've gone through 2 bouts of severe depression with this man, where he normally cuts me out for 6 months; and he had a breakdown in front of me earlier this summer. Things have gone from bad to worse (we have a long distance relationship), and now he developed flight phobia. I have not seen him in over 7 months and working is impossible with him being in a different country and afraid to take a plane. I personally believe this is engineered flight phobia of some kind. I also do not see any improvement through therapy and I have reasons to believe that the therapist is working against me. He is the only person he (allegedly) speaks to in an open way (but who knows...). Some alters speak to me sometimes - and they are not all friendly, neither do they follow what you would call a moral code of behaviour. I have been betrayed many times; thought I cannot confirm this for sure. There is also extreme paranoia involved. He doesn't give anything away and gets completely crazy over simple questions like 'where are you going" when he sits next to me and books a flight. He will immediately switch into his aggressive protector mode. I am now dead sure this guy leads various double lives - unaware that he is doing this.
To cut a long story short; a friend of mine - a therapist herself - told me something important. She said: "it's sociopathic behaviour, whatever the cause might be. People who can compartmentlise do not have conflict and morals issues in the way we do. You are not being treated well at all and you must not allow this. It is not your fault he is like this. You cannot fix him". She was right about this. Only he can fix himself. I have stopped financing him. I do not want to be an enabler for a sick minded therapist. Since I can't influence his decision regarding the choice of therapist, I can at least cut the means to pay this guy to ensure he is not getting worse. Given I have many professional reference points, I do understand that therapy would not try to cut out the only safety net this man has. I totally get what you say: you are not leaving a spouse who is having cancer. But... She would tell you she has cancer and you would both go on this journey together. Here, most of us have never been told about DID (only once was it confirmed by him - and then quickly retracted soon after). We did not know what we got ourselves into when we started this journey. We are the ones with a huge capacity for love and compassion - but we are kicked in the teeth for this again, and again, and again. I am in great conflict over this right now. I simply do not know any more what the right thing to do is. You can't talk to anyone because others would think you have lost the plot. You can't even speak to them. They do not want to know, or at worst, it activates a suicide alter. It's a very lonely life for us who are not suffering from DID. Is it worth it? I no longer know the answer to this question...

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Foils A Deux
April, 20 2017 at 6:10 am

I have Schizophrenia and my husband suffers from DID. Times can be very difficult for both of us when stress triggers more of the symptoms than usual, but my advice is just to learn as much as you can about your loved ones specific mind, not just the disorder. We both are very detached, recluse people however with each other we just understand what the other is dealing with more so because of our own experience, although different disorders. Just be understanding and do not hold their words or actions against them if they were unaware. Everyone says stupid things they don't mean when they get upset, I recommend looking at it like that. We both had these disorders before we got together, we've been able to remain in a successful marriage despite our problems just taking the time to get to know how we both work and what is the best method of relaxation is. Good luck to anyone who is struggling, it's hard but you can have a happ relationship.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Foils A Deux
April, 20 2017 at 6:23 am

Also, just to add, when dealing with aggressive alters it took me years of persistence and patience to break through. My husband experienced enough trama to develop multiple dominant alters. However, now I have became a part of his alters lives as a friend or someone to share with. Each alter of his has a piece of his core I can always see even if he can't switch back for prolonged periods of time. You just have to stand by their side and learn how to help with each individual alter (I know it can be hard) but each one has its own way of handling problems and coping. I recommend studying each alter as if it were a different person entirely at first. Then you may be able to see which traits carried over from the dominant alter. I can now inform him after a switch with little agitation and acceptance.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Amanda
April, 26 2017 at 9:59 pm

I am sorry, but you sounded - exactly how you described your partner.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Ecco
April, 27 2017 at 9:00 am

Gina I completely understand your story. I have been married just about 10 years (will be 10 as of Oct 2017). At least 8 of those years have been hell.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Sally
June, 30 2017 at 4:24 am

You're all echoing my thoughts and feelings

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Sally
August, 1 2017 at 2:21 pm

Hi Gina, if you get this, could you please send me an email so we can talk? I'm not sure if I've asked you this before (no it's not D.I.D, lol, I have ADHD ; which means I'm highly disorganized, forgetful and easily distracted just to name a few of my best points, lol) I have pretty much always had a very cheerful, positive disposition but the last 7 years has been an eye opening journey I just can't share with anyone I'm close to. Because as you, and everyone else here on this forum knows, we just sound like raving lunatics and the general consensus is 'it's not your problem, just leave him! To me that's like saying "oh your husband has cancer? That's terrible but it's gonna make your life hell so leave him now before he becomes too much of a burden!" FFS is everyone so bloody heartless? Yes it is confusing, yes it is heart breaking, and yes it is HELL! Especially when our DID partners are oblivious to the pain and suffering we endure...as far as they're concerned they hold the key to pain.
I just had an idea...if we could start up a forum, blog whatever these things are called (I'm not very up to date with all of this sorry, ?) but surely as partners of people with DID we could share our stories and possibly find solutions???
Psychologist can be trained to understand this disorder but WE live it an WE know what really happens???
Anyway it's just a suggestion?
For anyone who wants to talk to me about this my name is Sally, I'm an Aussie and it'll let you know in advance that I have a shocking memory so if you contact me could you pretty please say why you're contacting me in the first few lines or I may accidentally delete you as spam! Please forgive me if what I say next is insulting, but sarcasm runs in the blood of most Aussie's and we can sometimes confuse other nationalities....so, if you email me, and I do t reply quickly, send me another (or the original ?) email starting with "Oi Dickhead, it's 'name' from Partners living with DID!" Lmfao. That'll get my attention AND believe it or not, when you get even a small window of laughter, it helps to soothe the soul.
Take the piss out of me (and yourselves) make jokes about serious stuff, give yourselves the freedom to just laugh. ????? We'll have plenty of deep and heavy stuff to discuss too. But if anyone is interested, I'd really like to help our partners and everyone else who is suffering from this.
Cheers, hope to hear from anyone and everyone (including people with DID please, if you feel safe to do so, because no one knows exactly what you're going through better than you do. Big hugs to everyone, and remember that old saying 'smile and the world smiles too, frown and you frown alone!"
Ok my email is yllassenoj68@yahoo.com.au

Robert
December, 5 2016 at 7:37 pm

Wow, I didn't know there were so many married to DID/MPD seeking for answers. I needed a place to find understanding, compassion and encouragement.
My marriage of 16 years has ended. Like many, I tried everything I could, I almost completely disconnected with who I was in the process of trying to care for her. I don't regret the changes, it made me a better person in many ways. But for the past 2 years she has been literally ignoring my existence, we lived as roommates. I kept believing that there was a plateau of safety she could reach with my help and support, but it wasn't to be.
Her physical health is always a see-saw, although doctors can't diagnose anything. And for a protector alter, the safety is everything. I suspect different alters "make" her sick to retain control over her. I love all her alters except a couple, one of whom finally came out after we had been separated for about 6 months, to say in a mean voice that he was responsible for sabotaging the marriage. I received him with grace, forgiving, etc. But also trying to help my wife deal with this revelation. But although my wife had been repenting, asking me not to divorce her, we had started making plans to find help together, suddenly I get an email telling me it was really over. Despite her newfound tenderness toward me.
So once more I got stabbed to the heart. I have sensed for years that she was being groomed online through relationships she developed. And I had been in agony for years over this. It does hurt deeply, you come to believe that you are crazy, if you take everything to the first degree. I discovered I acted as codependent, and she acted like a narcissist. But it's nearly impossible to get a clear idea of what she truly thinks, or feel, and I had to come to the realization that I am not a health care professional, and my competence is limited: at some point, the people who love them the most does become the person they need to control (parts live in fear) and push away.
I believe I too have a few alters but I wasn't diagnosed. We enjoyed doing simple things together, we had a great friendship, and childlike playfulness (duh). But the bar of perfection is always so high, and often moving. In the end, it is not about me doing anything, but it's about her conditions.
My story is like many others, so you know that I'm not sharing everything, it would be inappropriate, and too long. But a few months ago as I came back home after "giving her space" for 3 months, I found out that she had changed the locks on the doors. She basically claims the house as her own (although both our names are on the title). Now I live in my own place and pursuing divorce.
It is really hard to face divorce as an outcome, mainly because I can see she is in an acute existential crisis caused by her system. I've been her cheerleader for years, but it ends up being a life journey she needs to take alone. Nothing I say is received, on the contrary. It hurts to see her act this way, but ONLY with me. I've carried guilt and shame for so many years, but I'm slowly realizing that no matter what I do or say, anyone in the radius of her space is bound to get the brunt of those few alters who ruin everything. I understand they are in pain easily, but I can't understand the type of pain easily.
I decided the most loving thing I could do was to accept her move and make it mine. Forget doing an intervention. But treating her as normal is also not an option, and that's where I have a hard time: would I abandon my wife if she had cancer, or been in an accident? No. But this isn't the exact same situation. Pray for me I stay the course, and that she would find help she can trust, and follow-up with.
Thanks for reading, sorry it's so long...
Robert

Leave a reply