Goal: Achieve Bipolar Stability

I put my plants out on the sill to enjoy the sunshine while I haven’t glanced, but a few times, at the sunlight. I’ve lost the bounce that I had yesterday. I don’t know where it went. The Lithium has calmed down. It will probably be that way for awhile until it settles into nothingness and I’ll once again have to increase it in the dream that it will achieve bipolar stability. Oh, if it wasn’t for the damn shakes, I would be stable right now! If I increased my Geodon, I would feel as close to normal as I’ve felt since before my diagnosis. But, instead, I’m trying to slowly increase my Lithium. Please bring me bipolar stability without the shakes!

I miss the bipolar stability and being in bipolar recovery.

No one wants drama 24/7. But I hated having strangers ask me what was wrong with me, why I shook so much. My husband said, “screw them”. My father was concerned and so was my aunt. I gave in to peer pressure. And for what? Instability? Maybe I should have said screw them, too, but I was so concerned that my family was concerned. Was I poisoning my body in the name of mood stability?

It's ever more important to achieve bipolar stability.

You know that it’s said that people with mental illnesses live a whopping twenty five years less than people who aren’t mentally ill. I was astounded when I saw that figure in a University of Texas mailer. I only have seventy five years to enjoy life? I guess I better live it up while I can. I wonder what they attribute to the lack of life expectancy. Is it drugs? Are they ruining my kidneys? Will I kill myself by the time I’m seventy five because I can’t stand life any longer?

I guess if I can only expect to live a shorter life, then I want to make the most of it. I’m going to increase the Geodon. Screw everyone else who comments on my shakiness. At least, I’ll be able to live a fulfilled life and achieve bipolar stability. I’ll be able to finish college, see my own children go off and live their own lives some day, and enjoy my own life in the process. I’m taking the plunge and making an appointment with my psychiatric nurse as soon as I finish this post. I don’t want to wait for the rest of my life to play out before I've started living it.