Coming to Terms with Borderline Personality Disorder

I was diagnosed a few months ago. I am still struggling with coming to terms with BPD. I am daily riddled with self doubt. If I am not productive I beat myself up and I struggle to leave the house. Then few hours later I feel the need to escape and run. I have always believed myself to be highly sensitive and cannot take criticism of any sort. I now know I can be highly insensitive of others feelings getting far to wrapped up with dealing with my own emotions. Understanding the pain I have put the people closest to me feels like the most difficult thing to deal with. I act impulsively and feel I have to tell people immediately if I feel I have been wronged in any way. Instead of just thinking things through I have to let it all out immediately. Reading through other pages wrote by other BPd's is hard. I found this one a little more understanding. When people but Narcisstic personality and BPd in the same bracket it makes me feel sick. I have been in several NPD relationships and hope that I am not like that. I have children and my daily struggle with my suicidal thoughts is hard. I am still waiting on DBT and I am finding the system very difficult. I tried doing a counselling course myself but found it far too difficult to deal with. I was raped by a family member recently when I was so drunk I don't remember all of it. Apparently I wanted it too happen...This has made me look at my alcohol issues and want to get control back. I just wish I could find it. I daily wonder that the world would be better without me but the idea of my children thinking that this is their fault keeps me here.

Your words "justice orientated" moved mountains for me. It's like I can understand what I'm feeling and have been feeling since being diagnosed a few years ago.
My own personal reaction was to read what I could find on BPD to better understand what effects it had been having on my life and how the best way to go about managing it would be. The more I read the more I cried, breaking down and feeling so ashamed. I didn't cry for myself as I have lived inside this head with split second emotional changes forever it seemed like. But I cried for my mother, the one who had to live through all that not understanding what was going on, how I would so suddenly change into a monster and why I can never seem to say I'm sorry. I try to encourage her to read about it, not to excuse my behavior but to help her not take things so personally sometimes. I'm learning to say I'm sorry more and I try to make her understand I have to be able to walk away.
I was/am bipolar, was manic for 3 years in my mid 20's. I've been in such a deep depression now for 4 years, I've experienced my first suisidal thoughts, first serious thoughts of sf harm and considered self medication or over medicating. I never thought at 40 I would still have 1st's like that?
But your words inspire me, thank you.

the first time i had a licensed psychiatrist mention the term borderline personality disorder was last year. before that, anytime i would seek help the quick response was, sounds like bi-polar lets talk meds. which always upset me for multiple reasons, one being how can you just know by a few quick questions without truly knowing who i am? and secondly, the pills. i don't believe in taking meds because to me it masks the problem without facing it head on, which i know is necessary for me in order to cope and to survive. that's how every day feels with this, like i'm choosing to be here instead of just living. i can't tell you how many times i wished i could just take things on the chin and not let life affect me, but some days just knock me on my ass and i need days, sometimes weeks to recover. it feels like you're constantly hiding this dirty little secret about who you are, always afraid it's going to slip out. it makes relationships next to impossible for me, and keeping a steady job a struggle. but i'm working on it, and i know it's possible to get better with proper counseling and determination. my biggest obstacle thus far was re-enrolling back into school, the anxiety and fear of failing nearly killed me but i passed. and feel so confident for the next quarter and so on. my advice would be to stay on a schedule, write down your feelings, drink less and exercise more, and if you need to cry it out then do it. it will get better. <3

Hi, Mary. Along the way to my discovery that I have BPD, I, too, was told I had bipolar disorder. I think this was because they wanted me to fit into their box of treatments. They did not know as much about BPD as they did bipolar disorder. At this point, we agreed I should be referred to someone else with more experience in treating BPD. This wasn't a singular event but became a game of who would take on the borderline patient. When I discovered through my own efforts I have BPD I was deeply crushed. I felt the grief and pain in the pit of my stomach and realized my doctors couldn't just snap their fingers and make me feel better. I tried suicide several times due to the impulsiveness I feel when emotionally turned upside down. As I thought about my life, the diagnosis explained many decisions I had made in my life, why I feel so sensitive about so much, why I lost more than one job due to my quick anger and why I still don't want my loved ones to venture too far away from me. Now I am on disability, grappling with my self-esteem and financial position.
Like you, I am very "justice-oriented". It angers me that many things in life are not fair and I feel a strong desire to change things.
I grieve for animals and children in abusive environments, wildlife being killed for profit, the human way of destroying everything beautiful in our environment, etc.
I applaud your perseverance and insight.
Thank you for an intelligent view of our affliction.