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Love and DID: Sometimes More is Less

August 23, 2010 Holly Gray

Today, I'm pausing my discussion of the contributing factors in the development of Dissociative Identity Disorder to talk about Dissociative Identity Disorder and relationships. Navigating relationships may be the single biggest challenge I encounter living with DID. I see the havoc my disorder wreaks on my most intimate relationships and I feel helpless to do anything about it. I watch my partner in particular struggle with abandonment, loneliness, and the chaotic nature of DID and I know that more personalities doesn't always mean more love.

By LittleMissPip

Sometimes More is Less

I met a woman once who told me that " ... a pound of crazy weighs more than ten pounds of awesome." It hurt to hear and that comment is a big part of why we never became friends. Even so, I see her point. Sometimes all the fabulous I can muster can't compete with the destabilizing effects of DID. Loving me means accepting abandonment, making friends with loneliness, and strapping yourself in for a wild and sometimes nauseating ride. One day you're loved and adored, the next you're treated with cold indifference. Some alters see you as a comrade, but not a romantic partner. To some you're a nuisance; to some a playmate. To others you're a stranger, or even a threat. And it isn't as though you can choose who you interact with or, as in my case, even expect the courtesy of knowing who you're dealing with at any given moment. Intimate relationships are difficult enough without that degree of ambiguity and inconsistency. Love cannot live on sporadic nourishment, no matter how delicious.

Everyone seems to grow thin with me
and their eyes grow black as hunters' eyes
and search my face for sustenance.
All my friends are dying of hunger,
there is some basic dish I cannot offer,
and you my love are almost as lean
as the splendid wolf I must keep always
at my door. -from Memoirs of a Mad Cook, by Gwendolyn MacEwen

Sometimes Less is Enough

My partner has learned to live with hunger. Parts of my system have worked tirelessly to push her away, with many near-successes. She's in a relationship with someone who repeatedly leaves. Once she described it to me saying:

"Imagine you're having a conversation with someone. In the middle of your sentence, they turn to stare out the window and they're gone. You're talking to yourself."

This kind of small abandonment is part of her daily life. The loneliness that results is bound to be all the more frustrating knowing that somewhere in that body is your partner, but you can't get to them. I vacillate between struggle to alleviate that loneliness and feeling resentful of it. I can't make up for all the losses in my intimate relationships without incurring some of my own. So my partner and I try to accept the limits of DID. Fortunately for me, she decided long ago that ten pounds of awesome does in fact weigh more than a pound of crazy.

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APA Reference
Gray, H. (2010, August 23). Love and DID: Sometimes More is Less, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2021, October 16 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/dissociativeliving/2010/08/love-and-did-sometimes-more-is-less



Author: Holly Gray

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Sandy
February, 23 2018 at 8:57 pm

When they push you away... They need you more... Love them harder.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kez
January, 28 2020 at 11:49 am

Hello Olivia I was or maybe still in a relationship with a guy who has DID.We are both christain I have it too.I am self aware and in therapy .We had this amazing connection in 2017.I thought he was my soul mate.I wasnt interested though or more correctly a part wasnt so I told him to meet somebody else repeatedly to which he never did.For months i tried to reject him.We ended up forming a relationship of sorts, but i noticed he had very poor communication skills.What i now think is a child alter & jeckyl & Hyde personality.I believe I have witnessed his core personality or the part i fell in love with, gentle kind & caring.Only problem is I haven't encountered that side of him for months.We were talking about getting married, so I felt only fair i tell him about DID although apparently only mild according to pysciatrist.Its caused me to be out of work for 2 years I sent him a video on it , I guess it triggered him & he, said some deeply hurtful things.Then never contacted me for 7 weeks. I really don't know what encouragement to offer you as im living through this.
Every time I would tell him its over, or he would break up with me.One of our parts would eventually come back.Its been 3 months this time & i havent heard a thing.I did say that I do love him but , i set out some clear boundaries for him to meet before we can go forward.Coming to the UK is one.I have no idea if that will happen. Its down to him really after 2 years .I noticed slight improvements with him seeing that he has some deep issues.He has had a horrible childhood & lives in a War torn part of the world.My advice to you would be take care of yourself FIRST emotionally & mentally.
When my guy has come back in the past, he said he went away because he doesnt want to hurt me.Im using the time whilst hes away to get thearpy and I have also started doing some paid work & running a sewing group.Investing in myself helps take the edge off the pain .I also discovered that I have a 15 year old alter that the guy is in a relationship with, very demanding with an attitude.The child alters or little ones hate him.As they come to the surface, when the guy i was with wants to do sexual things.I was abused as a child & Adults were sexually inappropriate. I know that when i am being treated cold by my kind of partner its his evil other personality.I know it doesnt take away the pain.But helps with pespective.Hope this can be of some use.I wish you wellness

Nicolle
January, 6 2018 at 8:28 am

After reading this I am positive that my boyfriend suffers from this and not alone cuz I suffer with him. sometimes we can talk about it openly and he will describe each one of them to me. But is there any way that they will ever go away or just become one? I love this man endlessly and refuse to give up on him even when he gives up on himself but the emotional abuse I have to endure at times is unbearable. He's even called me whore excuse my language for being intimate with one and then kissing him after although it was just him. He's a beautiful gorgeous good man it's just the one personality that treats me so horribly at times like Im some kind of evil woman trying to put him in prison and puts spells on him and hacks his phone and is just down right evil which I have done none of those things. Im a good woman to him. Even chased after him hundreds of miles away to just be left stranded lost and broken in a city I don't know. Im at a loss right now my heart is broken and Im sad for us because I know deep down he loves and needs me just as I do him but I can't keep putting myself through the pain. Idk how to help him at times cuz he can say some really awful things and I'll lose my temper and become physical with him and i know that's not right either and then the next minute he's the most loving guy ever. Please help me I don't want to leave him even though he tells me to

Erika
November, 30 2017 at 1:19 pm

My husband and I both suffer D.I.D. and complex PTSD. I have, in recent years, assimilated my alter, although the long lasting consequences of this has left me with chronic illness and unable to work. I worked hard at my therapy and c.b.t. and became involved with E.F.T., tapping and homeopathics. My husband, however, suffers dearly to this day with severe depression and at least 2 alters. He felt manipulated by therapists to actually stay in the abusive situation as a child and so does not trust their advice now. He sees my progress and can not relate to any hope of getting better. His hopelessness is triggering more and more switches and more intense emotional episodes from us both. I don't know any one else that has dealt with what we have and even though I am fairly educated, I feel lost. Its like he doesnt want help. His alters either hate me or just want me gone. There are times I wonder if its even worth it. He was never understanding of my painful altered states and would verbally abuse me because it caused him to feel stress & alter. We are like fire & gasoline when altered but when ourselves, man....ive never felt a love like this. I don't consider myself a fool to stay in a (half) broken relationship, but I also refuse to abandon a beautiful human being that no one has ever treated kindly.

J
November, 28 2017 at 10:59 am

Glad to have found this . I don't know that my boyfriend has extreme DID but he does dissociate. It seems like sometimes he's a completely different person. One who sees me as just a friend. Others, he's loving and everything. I won't ever leave though.

A
November, 11 2017 at 6:05 am

My boyfriend has DID and I found that the best way to cope and handle things is to realize that him and his alters are all part of the same system. They are all different but part of each other. I love my boyfriend but have also found ways to get along with some of the alters. Although a lot of the other alters actually don’t like me and even despise me, it is understandable. As some of the ones here have said, the more aggressive alters tend to see me as the enemy and whatever I say is bad. But I calmly try to explain to them that that is not what I said or try to explain my side even if at times they refuse to listen.
Remember that a lot of the alters have trust issues, and it is helpful to think of it as, they see us as a threat because they think we have a hidden dangerous agenda against them. As long as you keep showing them that you are there to care and won’t leave them (much like the previous people in their lives have) then at some point, they may lessen their anger or hatred of you. It can be hard but I’ve managed to be able to speak properly with some of the alters that normally hate a lot of do not like anyone at all. It will take a long time AND a lot of effort. If you really love the person though, you will keep trying. It’s all for THEM. It shouldn’t be just for one alter or two. It should be for all. That’s very important from my experience.

craiginshadow
November, 5 2017 at 8:33 pm

I recently entered a relationship with a girl and within months she told me of her DID. Ihl have encountered Brittany (host), Kitty (her teenage indifference/tomboy), Alexia (small and meek), Stacy (pure darkness and joy at her own pain).....there are more. My biggest fear is Britrany will disappear and I am left alone. She has managed to connect a few of these alters and they work together, except or Stacy. This feels all too much for me but...I want to do it for Brittany. I love her. I need support in this. Thank you.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

S
November, 13 2017 at 4:19 am

Good luck with the relationship. Try to get along with all the alters if possible. Try to keep Stacy away from self harm by distracting her or offering to do other things with her if she lets you. :)

Hannah
November, 2 2017 at 9:39 am

My ex husband has DID. It took me 10 years to realize that beneath his quirks there was some serious darkness. I'm relieved to say that 6 years after his breakdown - remembering his buried trauma - I have managed to establish firm boundaries to keep him from overly disrupting my life and from wreaking havoc in our children's lives. As far as I know, he continues to work on healing his own life and I have moved on with mine.
Everyone will have their own path to follow but my experience has taught me that you cannot have a healthy relationship with someone with DID. A way to honour the love you have for them is to wish them well on their own healing journey, then to maintain firm boundaries to keep them from causing continual harm to your life.

Ariana
October, 18 2017 at 3:39 am

Thanks you so much for this because my fiance acts the same way. I've known about her DID since the beginning but didn't know how much it would effect our relationship. It's been a countless cycle of Jane (the only one capable of love) loving me endlessly , then nick (the host) acting cold and indifferent and Samuel ( the hatred/motivation/protection) desperately trying to hurt me and push me away because he sees me as a weakness. I love both Jane, nick and Samuel but only Jane is capable of loving me the way I love them.But it's been so hard staying because of how much I'm pushed away. But I realized I love her way too much to let her go.

Echo
October, 8 2017 at 7:09 am

I'm so glad to have found this website. I found out that my husband is DID approximately one year after we were married. It first became evident something was wrong a few months before the wedding. I tried so hard to 'behave' and not trigger the alter before I realized that no matter what I did or said, I would always be the enemy. He literally hears words come from my mouth I haven't spoken and if I don't speak at all, that takes on a meaning I cannot imagine. I love him, and he's a good man. However, only one of his alters loves me and the others find me either mildly annoying or downright despicable. I am the scapegoat for every loathsome or hateful thought and he projects all his anger and hatred onto me. The loneliness and isolate are sometimes brutal to bear, but I committed to him and I just try to be kinder to myself during the long periods. The worst part is not knowing who he really is...who is the host, and not knowing if the man I love so deeply, my 'snow' will come back.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

sinfrea
October, 18 2017 at 11:41 pm

Just wanted to say that PRECISELY describes my experience with my now ex. I wish you strength. But be prepared that one day, the one that loves you might 'go' and never come back. I'm still struggle within an extended grieving process because it's like he 'died'... but... he's still physically alive. However, the one who for a long time seemed to be his 'main', or 'ANP', the one I had a relationship and shared memories with, disappeared. The current ANP only has some basic working memory of our time and cannot recall details, emotions, and many significant events. It's so very sad. He still scapegoats me and as you put it.."hears words come from my mouth I haven't spoken" to cope with stresses in his life, or actions/decisions/fears he cannot admit to himself, and then use those as a rational for hostility. I cannot escape dealing with that as we share custody of 2 small children. I know exactly what you experience - you're not alone. Hugs.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

S
November, 11 2017 at 6:15 am

It’s good to note that the ones who use you as a scapegoat are probably the aggressive or protectors who doesn’t want anyone to come close. It may be a long shot but try to help those alters into taking out that anger on something else or maybe even someone else (but not physically of course, just try to get them to talk about who they actually really hate). I found it helpful when talking to the aggressive alters that being on their side when they’re angry and kind of encouraging their anger and saying it makes sense helps. Don’t be shy when you’re facing the angry ones, but don’t fight them either.
As for who he really is.. well that’s the thing. They’re all part of each other. If you only love or can get along with only one alter, then it will become very difficult. They’re a system, and even if they heal from the DID, they will become one and that one won’t be your “snow” for sure.

Joe
September, 28 2017 at 3:14 pm

is there anyway to bring the host forward at all ... my fiance is the love of my life but her alter sees me as a slight threat , shes already done stuff to make me leave but i keep forgiveing her cause i understand her problem .. i love my fiance and will see this to my last breath and she sees how much i love her , but sometimes her alter comes through at bad times .. now i seem to be able to pull her back to the front but i dont know how many times ill be able to b4 her alter finds a way to stop me ... does anyone have a idea

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

A
November, 11 2017 at 6:22 am

The alters are defense mechanisms, specific alters come out at specific times. So it may be that the alter comes out at bad times because it’s a bad time for your fiancé and she cannot deal with it. It’s good to try and talk and get along with the alter. Show her that you mean no harm and try to know what can calm down the alter or her likes (ask your fiancé) and try your best to show the alter that you truly love your fiancé and are there to protect her, much like the alter is, and are also there to protect the alter as well.
It’s not a good idea to try and push back an alter and especially a horrible idea to tell an alter to go away and bring back your fiancé. Aside from it’ll anger the alter, it’s extremely rude.
But if let’s say the alter that’s currently out may do something very dangerous to their body or to you, there may be some specific triggers to bring out your fiancé. Find out those things. Use them as last resort though and talk instead with the alter and try to iron out any misunderstandings.

Mike
September, 7 2017 at 8:55 pm

My wife of 20 years kept here DID from me. I knew something was wrong but was never able to pinpoint it. She finally came crashing down and my life has been hell ever since. When I read about tips for people living with DID spouse, I checked all the boxes. It was very hard to accept there were alters but I met them and I dislike them all. I can get over some of the harsh realities I discovered but my biggest issue is feeling like a moron. I look back and say, red flag there and red flag there... I'll admit I was a bit enamoured but I should have seen the warning signs. I have no idea where to go from here.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

GP
September, 9 2017 at 9:26 am

Your wife may not even have known she was DID. My spouse (now deceased) lived with DID for over 10 years. I strongly suggest you seek help or therapy for yourself.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Trish
October, 27 2017 at 6:23 pm

How did you get past it or even cope? I feel like a guest in my own relationship. I could really use any advice, I'm at breaking point. I can be logical about my partner's passive agressive behaviour, lying and reasons for it, but at the end of the day its an humiliating & lonely state of mind...

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

M
November, 11 2017 at 6:26 am

What do you mean a guest in your own relationship?
And I suggest trying to not think of the humiliation and focus on the problem because your pride shouldn’t come before your partner.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

A
November, 11 2017 at 6:30 am

It’ll be a problem if you immediately dislike all the alters. Try to get to know them better and get along with Them despite it being hard. Remember that they are all a part of each other and that the aggressive alters are trying to push you away. You have to show you won’t budge and you are here for THEM not just your wife. It will be hard but sometimes even the most hateful of alters can actually be nice, just have trust issues.
If you truly love her, keep trying to get to know them all. And if you really love her then your pride or feeling like a moron really shouldn’t be your biggest problem. Your biggest problem should be getting along with the alters and being at their side.

Nomusa
September, 6 2017 at 2:29 pm

I'm grateful to have found this forum, it is eye opening.

Sarah
August, 10 2017 at 9:17 pm

I've been married to a man for 9 years and together for 12. We have had at best a tough marriage and have struggled almost daily especially in the past 2 years. He's said things to me like "I wish and try to be nice but it's hard when I get home" but never happened, most everyday. I've loved him with all I am for all these years with all I have. Last Sunday we finally decided life was too short and he called it off wanting a divorce. Let me back up by saying I have PTSD and ever since a flashback 6 months ago I've started to blackout rage. So, after he called it something crazy happened and he got down on his knees and hugged me, which isn't like him at all, and told me how much he loved me so very much. I was at best very confused because of what he'd just said. I then witnessed a completely different person in front of me that now I know switched 3 times and a childlike alter stayed for 3 1/2 days with me. It was magical. I'd not felt so loved and adored in my entire life. At the time though I was very worried about what was actually going on maybe amnesia, a blood clot in his brain, I didn't know. I couldn't sleep so I googled everything I could think of. He didn't know what money was, a hospital, our home or dog only my name, not his, and Salt Lake City and Wyoming. Regardless I was in absolute bliss and an overwhelming feeling of love. On that Thursday morning he came back, mean as ever with all the characteristics of my husband and the love I'd not felt was instantly gone. He had no memory at all of what had happened and tried to play all of those days off with no explanation. Hours later after seeing me sobbing for hours he told me he had other personalities and has always had. Looking back I told him many times he had a split personality but he would walk away and blow me off. Now I know. I married and stayed with a man I only one so little about. I said "for better or worse" but I was also deceived and no one knows and has ever known but now me. I have done a lot of googling and watching videos to be prepared to talk about it and when I tried he gave me nothing. I've given him time as he asked but still nothing. Now the distance between us is incredible, sad and heartbreaking. I was deceived by him never being honest with me. I have no stigma surrounding any mental illness and he knows it. I've suffered with him with my struggles. I'm at a complete loss now that he has told me he would never tell me how many alerts, names or anything about it. He didn't even know it was called DID until I explained it to him. He'll never go to therapy or seek any counseling, therapy for it. I'm at the biggest crossroad in my life and have no idea how I can stay married to a man I don't know and haven't this entire time together. If anyone has any advice for me please share. I'm so lost and confused that my life has taken this huge turn. I have no idea what to do. He knows I was/am willing to do anything for him but I also refuse to stay married to a man I know now so little about when there's so much more to know but he won't share. Thanks for reading this rant,I had to get it out and felt safe here. I appreciate this forum.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Alvie
August, 21 2017 at 4:13 am

no real advice here, just want you to know I feel this so hard. I've been with my gf for 5years, she got a concussion recently that made her altars come out.... 10 alters. I never knew she had. Now I'm stuck here looking back on our relationship wondering who I'm in love with, it feels like everything was a lie. Mine is in therapy now though, and we're trying to make it through..... But this shot is hard.... And it changes your view of your partner drastically. And if you had no clue and started a whole life with them, and never knew this about them it feels like a huge betrayle. I'm sorry you're going through something similar, you're not alone.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

S
November, 11 2017 at 6:39 am

I think your husband has a very very big trauma on him and has great amounts of trust issues. But having the child alter come out shows that he does love you and care for you if the alter somehow even remembers your name but not his own since most times the alters know their name. My advice to you is to tell him that you know that the child alter shows that he does love you but that your husband himself is having a hard time trusting. Sit him down and give him an ultimatum. To either confide to you even a small bit about things or that you simply can no longer do this. If the child alter comes out, try to ask him about memories or feelings. He may innocently let some things out.
If you know the trauma that your husband went through, that may help you into talking to your husband into trusting you. Tell him that this is also your life and you deserve to know even a little, whatever he’s prepared to share.

SNS
July, 31 2017 at 5:14 pm

I once fell in love with the most awesome girl I'd ever met, who luckily was also in love with me. Every day was joy up to where the heart could feel, and every single fucking thng was perfect. Perhaps too perfect...
One day, we discovered she has had DID almost since birth. Her alter was also in love with me, and easily won me over with her untopable charm. It was as if anything that one of them lacked, the other had in big quantity and viceversa. Everything was perfect again for a few days, then we had some trouble with the host's memory, and everything went back to being fine.
One day the alter decided she was to far down the slide of hell, and fiinally told us that she felt herself die slowly every day. We all cried, and we all wept, and eventually her fate was met. I was devastated, but not only that, with her the alter had taken every memory of herself from the host, and, for some reason or another of my relationship with either of them.
There I was, depressed, alone, and acting as my girlfriend's best friend under the alter's last wish. My eyes bleeded tears and my arms cried blood, yet the act never stopped. A slow hurtful month passed, and then, a miracle: I don't remember exactly what I said, but her eyes were brought back to life.
-Wait!- she exclamed -haven't you said that before already?
I slowly nodded, scared of what might'd happened next.
-Yes, yes, I remember, but at the same time I don't. As if I wasn't even there, just... watching it from far away...
Then, magic came to life, and so did the alter. We talked and she explained a few things that I hadn't quite understood:
1- She hadn't died, it was all a plan to replenish her strenght and prevent her actual death. But she still only had a year or so left.
2- The reason the host forgot our relationship was because it was never meant to be in the first place. She never actually loved me, the alter just manipulated her feelings to get close to me.
-Sh-she never loved me...
I repeated, atonished. Then, as fast as she came, the alter vanished. The host hugged me and cried 'I'm sorry' for an hour until we both had to go home.
The next time I saw the alter there was a friend involved. The host, him and me got together at a park. Then, she "summoned" the alter. I hugged her as if that'd be the last time, lucky I was to not know It actually was. The next morning I got a text from her explaining that the host's mental state was critical and that she would need to sacrifice herself in order to save her, but that we would meet before that. Three days after she was no more...
-EPILOGUE-
The host is now very well, except for social anxiety. I'm... let's just say as dead inside as one could be.
Did you like that tale? Well I didn't. It happened a month ago, and the host and I are both 13 years old (the alter is 12 years old).
Thank you for reading.
S.N.S.

Sarah
June, 13 2017 at 12:48 pm

Me again, I've read more of the comments and I actually feel super hopeful! By best friend used to have a difficult time talking about their DID, but just by being there for them, and letting them know that you accept who they are, makes all the difference. By being there in the moments they unravel, asking questions about the things you may not understand, growing in relationship with each of them and not only your significant other, letting them know constantly how much you love them and that no matter what happens you WANT to be there and never making them feel bad for the things they cant control, it'll allow for them to be more open with you and learn to see themselves the way you do, to accept who they are and work with it rather than constantly battling it. I make it a point that my friend and I talk openly and can laugh about the other alters, and he can talk to me about how the system works and all the things he thinks is cool about what's going on inside his head when he notices. We have gone through some pretty traumatic things together with this, like when a violent alter would take control of the conscious floor, but because I made that effort to understand exactly whats happening, I can be strong for my friend and talk him through it no matter how bad he may feel. He knows I love him and all of the other alters equally, which has allowed him to see himself as a normal person, he doesn't feel like an outcast or a freak with a problem anymore. Its so important to learn about each alter, their quirks, and especially how to make them laugh or feel loved. You can tell who's on the conscious floor by little things: like posture, accents, who cleans, who leaves a mess, who likes certain foods and who doesnt. It's gotten to a point where me and my friend can be sitting on a couch together watching a show and their breathing will suddly change, and I can tell who's come in. But the most important thing is that they know they don't have to hide a part of themselves from you. I hope this helps

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Keisha
March, 8 2020 at 4:23 pm

How did you do it Sarah? I want to be like you. I want our relationship to be like yours. Email me please kamieshac99@yahoo.com

Sarah
June, 13 2017 at 11:57 am

My best friend has DID. I've known her for a long time however I have never met the host, only most of the alters. Its gotten to a point where the host has chosen to relieve all control to the alters and not go back to the conscious floor again. The host is a girl, but pretty much all of her alters are male. My best friend is the alter who is on the concious floor for most of daily life, and all the alters I've interacted with have actually grown to trust me, or really like me. I'm in a bit of a weird spot though because another alter, not my best friend, has taken a romantic interest in me, and I him. I feel really lucky that there aren't any conflics between any of the alters and myself and they're all amazing, but I'm not sure what will happen by throwing a relationship in there, and I've noticed I have to be super observant and careful being intimate. I've always just been the best friend to all of them and I don't want to hurt anyone, or accidently trigger some kind of PTSD by being intimate

Jayden Bazell
May, 24 2017 at 2:44 pm

I'm in love with some one with D.I.D, but I guess who I fell for wasn't really them. It was another personality. I'm new to this and I except all that this person is because no matter who showed me love I love all that this person is, but I'm stuck and confused on what to do. Please send information on this disorder or explain stuff to me because I would like to understand the person I love

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Jackie
March, 31 2019 at 12:45 am

Not sure if you'll get this message as some time has passed since your post but did you ever get any answers to your questions.

Crose
March, 22 2017 at 3:50 am

My father has DID. I always "knew", even though there wasn't a dx. I was very sensitive to the switches, and called him, in my mind, Man of a hundred masks. I never knew how many there were, but it was walking on eggshells if certain ones came out, and I avoided him if I noticed. At one point, he told me he didn't want to be my father, just my friend, and I never realized until recently, that it hadn't been the dad alter, who is maybe his core/host? That was age 14 and I dealt with feelings of extreme abandonment over that. But realizing now, I've realized that it wasn't the person I loved who said that to me, but some detached part of him so I can let go of the abandonment.
He disappeared thirteen years ago so I don't even know if he is alive, or if whoever is in the front even desires to see me or find me again. I may never know.
I wish I could talk to him as an older adult now...now that I've spent time researching DID...and the things it entails. Because I understand things more now than I ever did before. And now, I can think of that ONE alter who was "dad", without hurting so much.

mark
February, 28 2017 at 6:36 pm

My ex girlfriend's alter erased all her feeling for me, i told her alter to get her back her feelings but she said she cant. in addition she locked my gfs away because of the persecutor trying to harm the body, but shes also claiming the body now and also shes mean to my gf telling her all her bad thoughts was right and she deserves it. My question is can the feelings be regain and how? how can she has control over her body ? . BTW my EX and i we're together for 1/2 years and it hurts me to leave her because her alter. i dont know what to do, I guess i just have to move on in life. Life isn't fair sometimes all i can do is move on and have a new life.

Tom
February, 15 2017 at 7:06 am

Faith, I love your transparency. I am the husband to someone with DID. We have worked through a lot of those times when an alter has given me a tongue lashing I didn't deserve. But like your husband, I know it is not her. And I committed a long time ago never to leave.
My wife has actually integrated and I know how hard that battle is. Good for you Faith and don't give up.
Let me encourage you to continue therapy after Integration. Our therapist moved my wife to a diagnosis of "Adaptive disorder". It can be tricky to navigate life without the alters. But know that it will get better.
Tom

Faith
February, 8 2017 at 4:05 pm

I have DID and I am down to one alter. I am working very hard to integrate the last alter. Dan, that was really nice of you to say about your wife. My husband feels the same way but the verbal abuse he gets although it is much better is just heartbreaking. I get so upset. But he tells me repeatedly it is not me. He loves me. We told our kids when they were about 17 and they have handled it very well.
Faith

Dan McQuade
February, 5 2017 at 12:14 pm

Wow, everybody, take heart. (I love this site!). Raven, you sound like us. My wife of 30 years has DID, and has the same feelings as you. Just know that your kids and husband are so glad that you're there every day. The Little Things. They would be tragically sad If you were gone - no one and nothing could ever replace Mom. And brava to Calvin (above) for honoring his commitment to his wife, who may be like my wife, unable to live in the world alone; let's love generously, seeking never to exclude those most in need in order to secure more for ourselves. - Dan M,, Warwick RI

Ravenn Johnson
December, 18 2016 at 6:04 am

Hello. I have DID. The thing that bothers me the most is not having time with my family. Not having quality time with my husband. Seeing the hurt and anguish that he is going through. By things that "I" didn't do. It's hard to take responsibility for hurting him when it wasn't me. He lives in misery for things that I had no control over. I commend him for being here, for loving the mess that is me. That part is gone but neither of us understands why she did what she did. This has to be the worst kind is relationship to be in. I want him to be happy but at the same time I feel like I shouldn't have to let him go for something I didn't do. I want my husband and our children to have a good life. I feel like they will never have that as long as I'm around. What can I do for my husband? What can I do to make my family a family again? Any S/O have am answer for me?

Calvin
December, 13 2016 at 5:21 am

Rose,
I too live with somebody (my wife) who has DID. I like to think on a daily basis that her alters, whom all communicate and I've been told like me, try to work together to strengthen our relationship.
It can be rough, and like the quote above, I can all of the sudden be talking to myself. But after living with her so long, and taking the time to learn about her alters, it has made life significantly easier. My wife has 6 alters, who she let's me talk about. We figure the more we talk, the easier it will be for others to try and understand. The little 6 year old, Alice. The 20-somethings, Danni and Olivia. The 34 year old Danielle. And then 1 unknown, who we call Primal. Well, besides herself of course. But we will just call her my wife.
As time has gone on, I've learned little quirks, or habits, that I can easily recognize to identify who I am speaking with. A laugh, that sounds like a child. The cleaning of dishes, or the punk-rock music. Those little habits allow me an insight into who is per se, "in control" or in her words, "fronting". I'm not sure if there is something that you could identify, but if there is it may take a little bit of searching. They greatly help though.
At the end of the day, however, living with somebody who has DID is a choice that we have made. I promised I would never leave her side, or leave her in abandonment to herself. That would be inhuman to me, and I cannot bring myself to do that. From the above reading, it seems like you have chosen that too.
If you ever have any questions, or if anybody ever comes across this comment and has questions, please feel free to email me below.
Warmly,
Calvin
Alvincm2@gmail.com

Heather
October, 16 2016 at 3:37 pm

Hello. I want to say thank you and a huge appreciation to those who write on this website. It seems like the writer does not accept his Did very well. It hurts that he is not happy and that he sees it as crippling. I pray he comes to terms with it and sees that he , and everyone else , is obviously very loved by his wife. I'm assuming rose is his wife? I only see two comments here and I forgot how I stumbled on this website but I have been hopping around. Rose, don't take it on yourself to feel like you do things wrong. You have to be strong for him and the others. I know it's hard and I know you want to fix it. The only thing I suggest would be to possibly have a sort of couples therapy with his therapist? Just so you all can get an understanding and so hopefully he can allow himself to accept your love of him , whoever is on the forefront and also whoever is inside. And hopefully he can love himself and everyone else. I suffer with alot of self defeating attitudes towards myself and it's so weird bc I see alot of how he feels is how I feel about myself, although I don't have d.i.d (I don't think. I have had trauma in my life. This is true.a lot of my childhood I have blocked out and had a very hard time speaking for a long time) but I have mood disorder and depression anxiety.. and it makes it hard for me to love myself and forgive myself. And love the little me inside. Correction - I do love the little me inside, I'm not sure why I said that. But the things I can't change about myself, I'm trying hard to accept it and I hope he does too. And there's no time frame, he's not a loser he's not pathetic. He can be happy. They can be happy. I know it because I have read about it. It is hard but it can be done! And rose, you need to take care of yourself as well. I hope I didn't offend anyone.

Rayette Rucker
October, 8 2016 at 4:42 pm

So, my family doesn't believe that I have DID, and the staff at my facility don't believe that I have DID. The only one that believes me is my psychiatrist.

Rose
September, 26 2016 at 2:51 am

Thank you all so much for your comments. I didn't realize until I read all of the comments how lucky I was that, as far as I know, all of his alters like me, all of the ones I can discern have said they love me. Having said that, he doesn't like talking to me about it, because it bothers him, he says thinking about it makes him hate himself, so I really don't know a lot about it... He never intended to tell me, I found out the hard way when something happened and he suddenly lost it, and I could see the war inside him... I just want to know what I can do to not make things worse, it feels like everything I do is a mistake. If there's anyone who is the partner of a person with DID who might be willing to talk to me, I would be forever grateful.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

CB
November, 3 2018 at 11:08 am

I know this is 2 years after you posted this comment so I most likely will never get a response... But I'm saying someone where it's a little like this too like their alters seems to mostly like me but I do I feel like so much of my actions are mistakes... I'm wondering if you found a way to navigate this

Lacy
September, 14 2016 at 8:27 am

Hi,
I have been struggling with this for asome long as I can remember
Sometimes im happy, other days I dont want to get out of bed, they said it was depression and i dont think it is that.
I recently had a few altercations where, my SO found out about another guy involved in our relationship. The more he talks to me, i dont remember much about the guy, so he decided to ask the guy himself. Apparently it's been going on for 7 months and I only have a very vague memory of some of it. Little pieces, my SO tells me im lying to him when I honestly have no idea.
My friend showed me this website and as I read im starting to understand more.
Can someone guide me on the right path please?

Chad
June, 9 2016 at 7:13 am

I just found this blog and it has helped me pull it together from a point I though I couldn't take it anymore. I knew my girlfriend had a disorder but I didn't know what it was. After reading this I am convinced it is DID. We spent a few days in New York City last month in which she then flew out to China and I flew home. When we left each other it was all love and the talk of being together forever. I knew she had many episodes in the past but we were always able to make our way through eventually. Well now that she's back in China she has stopped all contact with me and I have no idea what the outcome will be. I could tell by our initial conversations after she arrived there that there was something wrong and it progressively became worse to where we are now. My only hope is that she can get better and come back. Usually I can help her but impossible half way around the world. It seems so helpless.

Jakob
March, 11 2016 at 8:43 am

Me and my partner both have DID and for the most part it's worked out and our alters all get along, exepct my partner has one alter that most of me can't stand. He bothers me a lot and it's mainly because of my male protecter alter who is completely straight and can't stand the male alter my partner has. I'm pretty much indeferent to him but my one alter who fronts about 80% of the time hates him. It causes my partner to be sad sometimes cause his mood affects theirs and me not liking him makes him sad. I don't know what to do, most of the time things are good it's just that one alter my partner has that's causing all the grief here simply because I don't like him

Anne
February, 24 2016 at 3:04 am

Hi Holly,
I am in love with a psychopath (a nice one). If that doesn't sound bad enough, he is also 3000 miles away from me. We're making plans to move in together after talking to each other for only 2-3 weeks, and I'd have to move across the country for that. I know it sounds crazy, but I have never questioned if it was worth it until today when I encountered the other person inside him for the first time. He was just so cold to me last night. I thought I did something wrong, but he reminded me again about something that he only mentioned once before that he had DID. This second person said he doesn't care about anything, and he only feels anger. I'm completely at a loss. Is it possible for someone to have both psychopathic tendencies and DID? And while his other identity only feels anger when he is aggravated, does it seem like he has violent tendencies? I am now questioning my feelings for him, and asking myself if I should just stop and end things with him. A little help would be very much appreciated.
Thank you, Anne.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Crystalie Matulewicz
March, 1 2016 at 11:25 am

Anne,
What makes you think he has psychopathic tendencies (related to Antisocial Personality Disorder)? Violence and anger do not necessarily equate to being a psychopath.
As far as in DID, it is common for alters to carry strong emotions, like anger, for the host. Has he shown violence towards you?

Joan
December, 9 2015 at 3:18 pm

Me again, I just wanted to thank you for being so objective and giving us this information. I wish my partner thought enough of me to have given me this information isntead of making it seem it was all on me.

Joan
December, 9 2015 at 3:09 pm

I was married to a wonderful woman who suffers with D.I.D our relationship is just recently split and now we are divorcing. It makes me so sad becasue I love her dearly but the constant pushing and pulling and the lonliness you spoke of above is unbearable. She made it seem like it was all me and my fault but after reading this I understand a little more so hopefully I can stop beating myself up and know it wasn't al me and my fault.

Sky
September, 23 2015 at 11:29 am

I think my boyfriend has DID. He goes from very loving and "you've always been the one" to becoming monk-like and retreating physically and emotionally. Right before he retreats he says "I'll be back", and he is back. He tells me he doesn't know what's wrong with him, that he hasn't been abused as a child- I've known him since we were kids and I know he had a good childhood- so how did this disassociation happen? I have been so confused over his seesawing. The worst moments come right after intimacy. He has not had positive relationships in the past, in fact fairly traumatic. Could this result in disassociation?

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