BPD and Romantic Relationships: If You Really Loved Me

thank you Ted and Malcom...gives me hope of some day finding a partner.something yearned for my whole life, a real family. I'm nearly 60, my BPD is recently being triggered by hormonal changes, yup, hormone replacement for bone loss, going thru menopause and extreme stress over a back injury, loss of income, endless debt and no solid support with relationships. personally I'd rather see the positive on here from people with BPD, not the negatives from those who have never lived it, and are speculating at best on other people's motivations.

i love hearing how awful and evil i am bc of my disorders. love it

I have had BPD, for as long as I can remember and one thing I use to regulate it is music and having a partner who also has BPD. When she goes ballistic, it makes me feel more loved and needed, which brings inner peace to me and BPD is easy to calm if you know the buttons. I think one of the major problems that the comments here highlight is someone with BPD attempting to date someone without the condition which is living hell. There are certain types of people that will threaten our condition much more than others so understanding this is paramount.
While many are pointing out negative attributes to BDP, there are many benefits of it as well, which is living in a complex, multi=faceted world of emotion and imagination that the real world simply cannot compete with. I really would perish in what most consider a normal, healthy relationship and honestly want no part of that linear existence. I go to work as a means to an end, my relationship is my fantasy and life. I do not want realism; I want a constructed stage than my partner, and I build together where we stand against the universe. Anything less is pointless and easily dismissed. We have been together nearly ten years now; I didn't honestly think before her that I would ever last in a relationship more than six months to a year. I went through about 200+ to find the woman I idealize and love. The idealization of love is the most important part, in the same way, the covers of DVDs and how they look are much more important than the film. I am fortunate to have learned to find happiness within this chaos. Once you have a better understanding of how to manipulate it and develop it, you stand a chance of finding happiness. I empathize with those that have not found the path I have and hope you find peace within your journey.

I enjoyed all comments. I was diagnosed only about 4 yrs ago & I am 51. To the 50 yr old - better late than never for sure. I chose not to look at this as a sickness! But all of a sudden things in my past made sense, I understood myself better. That said, my work had just begun! I used the symptoms of the disorder that I seemed to manifest & most & worked on those, in group therapy using DBT. I had a private therapist as well. I believe this is something I have to stay on top of though! I read everything i can get my hands on. People that r very negative, or use this against me or bring me down, well, i just cant b around them. I haven,t had a love relationship work yet but thank u Ted, u give me hope! I can slip though, like falling off the wagon - in fact happened recently! I am still trying to get back to a better place & I intend to but negativity certainly doesnt help! We r all works in progress. Bless each & every one of u wherever u may b in ur personal struggle! B

But it isn't MY fault either. Take action to fight the disorder will get you further with me than baming ME for YOUR behavior. Tell me you feel insecure. I might surprise you and care. Scream at me? Not so much.

Alexia, thank you.
Are views on here one sided? Probably. After three years of dealing with my very abusive stepdaughter, I am glad she ran to her grandparents home. Yes, glad. She can say we abused her, she can say we enslaved her. She can say whatever she wants. Enough people know the truth and she can live in her world of absolute untruths (not accepting abuse is NOT abuse to her, unloading a dishwasher once a week is not enslavement)
This girl knowingly and intentionally triggered service connected PTSD. She gleefully admitted trying to destroy my marriage because daddy would not take her mother back for countless acts of infediltity. I fought hard to recover from my own abuse and military service. My compassion for her had dried up. At what point with BPD is it okay for others to walk away? How much assistance, explanations and effort does someone have to put in before leaving the ABUSE is okay???? This is not the first person with these behaviors that have gotten angry for my having had ENOUGH. The cry is the same even if it has been YEARS. ENOUGH.
It is not someone's fault for the bod

It's sort of horrifying to see some of the remarks people have left, and mostly so because their reactions are completely other-sided, maybe they have BPD themselves (that would definitely explain hating on this article) or maybe it's somebody they love. I actually HAVE BPD, confirmed and diagnosed, perhaps I am further along in my treatment but we need to learn to understand what we're doing and why. Substance abuse is a big one, and I found myself 'requesting' substances from my dearest person. One of the biggest problems is finding issues with the world (someone you love, a rainy day, this article) when honestly we need to look inward, not for blame- but for reasoning. Never did she once say to dump them, that the relationship couldn't work etc. All she said is that you need to set boundaries (as is the same with any relationship) and stick to them because people with BPD DO, and I repeat DO have manipulative ways of dealing with things. Please look inside yourself today instead of hating on internet dabble and searching google for tips and clues about your illness that you're simply dying to ignore.

Thnnk you ted.

Thank you, Becky.
I ended a relationship with a BPD male a few months ago. I also have a sister who was given the diagnosis back in '02.
I thought I knew what BPD was, that is, until I got into a relationship with this man. Given the relationship I am able to have with my sister, I underestimated how difficult it would be to be in an intimate paring with this man.
He became dangerous and abusive. He ran around telling other people that I was abusing him. At this point, I felt that I had no choice but to break up with him and go no-contact.
A break-up doesn't really mean that things are over, so I am finding myself adjusting my life around avoiding triggering another suicide threat. This means avoiding social media, refusing to talk to his friends when they contact me on his behalf, or letting anyone know what is going on in my life. I truly believe him when he texts or leaves messages saying that he will kill himself.
I just want to say that I appreciate your articles on bullying and standing your ground. I find them inspiring, helpful and thought provoking.
For instance, it never dawned on me that I could get a restraining order if he continues to violate my boundaries pertaining to no-contact.
I'll keep reading. It helps in ways I'm having trouble explaining.
Thank you, again.
I wish you the best.

Hi ted, thank you so much for your post.
It sounds like you truly understand what your wife is experiencing and that you have empathy for her. Sounds like you love her and respect her, even.
I have bpd, I'm a woman in my early 30's and I'm longing for a partner. Thanks for giving me hope that I might be able to find someone able to see me for who I am... all parts of me.

This described exactly what my father had to deal with in my Mother. She raged, manipulated, frightened, traumatized, criticized, emotionally battered and scarred all of us, mostly our Father. He was a saint, I will NEVER know how he survived her to his passing. Not only did she have BPD, but extreme panic attack, severe anxiety and depression. She is still living but in a care center now. She got so bad during my father's ongoing illness in thier later years that we had to move her out of thier home into a care center concentrating on mental health care besides her increasing physical inability perhaps due to her lifelong history of mental illness. She was like an only child that never grew up. My mother always had to be the center of attention, demanded to be taken care of in so many indirect ways. Manipulation, guilt, selfishness...the list goes on. She drove a wedge between us and our father when we were just children. Like I said earlier I do not know how my Father survived, he went thru things that no one should ever have to. She physically and emotionally abused my Dad, emasculated him and abused my younger brother. It was a mess. I have dealt and had ongoing management of anxiety/ depression most of my life and battled with my mother all my life. If any of you out there has this and is in a good place, consider yourselves unbelievably lucky and give yourself a truckload of credit. My family is in a ground zero place due to all the turmoil my mother caused, and trust me it was bad. My father as since passed in 2011 and he was the most important person in my life. I miss him dearly and still endure his pain from the past and wonder how he did it. I always hated the behavior and have come to be compassionate towards my mother in her end years now. She drives me crazy, even as she is on psychiatric drugs, it still comes thru.
Thanks for listening. It's a devastating illness.

I have spent years in and out of relationships,all have the same beginning's and ending's....All have left me in the most traumatic state of complete abandonment,fear and crippling anxiety....I am now 50years old and mentally exhausted,but have treatment starting in the new year,of which I am going to embrace with both arms...never too late..

This must be based on experience rather than research. Very negative and inaccurate. 'Remember, you're dealing with a sick person' - recent research has suggested it is in fact MORE of a learned behaviour rather than hereditary. It's like having two diabetic parents having a child - the child would have a vulnerability to diabetes but whether or not that person develops diabetes ultimately is determined by lifestyle ie. nutrition, exercise etc. The same can be said for BPD. Calling people with BPD makes it sound like a life sentence, something that's 'incurable'. That's untrue. All learned behaviour can be unlearned - it just takes effort and persistence. Please inform yourself before you decide to put down a whole subgroup of people.
Much love,
A well-educated, healthy, happy BPD 'sufferer' in a stable, loving relationship.

Ted, I am a married woman with bpd. That was just one of the nicest things I have read so far about a person struggling with this diagnosis. It describes my relationship with my husband very well! Thank you for posting!

Thank you so much Ted.

I feel that this is an extremely unfair explanation of a BPD relationship. My wife has been diagnosed with BPD and we have many challenges. Our fights are like watching the movie Groundhog Day - "You don't love me. Why don't you just leave. I know you want to divorce me" over and over again. When she fights with me, it's like the girl I fell in love with is missing. Her eyes show no emotion as she rages uncontrollably about my need to rake the yard instead of cuddling with her. All she is doing though is seeking for love and acceptance and it comes off rather controlling and, when angry, child-like. To say that her emotional development stopped in childhood, is incredibly insulting. It isn't halted, she is completely capable of acting like an adult. It's the overwhelming amount of emotions constantly switching. At first she is disappointed. Then extremely sad. Suddenly, it switches into a blind rage. After the rage, however, she is capable of being the most loving human being in the world. Her emotional development isn't stunted. It's overwhelming. There is a difference. Everyone with BPD is different, and they all handle it differently. You cannot say "be prepared for manipulation" because everyone with BPD isn't a manipulative person. Try being married to someone with this personality disorder, and watch them be fearful to the point of insanity that the thing they care the most about is going to leave. Try watching them struggle to express their emotions "like a normal person", it's painful. There aren't words to describe how heartbroken she looks when I wake up and get out of bed before her. She doesn't want to make me miserable or to be cruel, she wants to be loved to the fullest capacity a human being can be loved.

And thank you Miss Elizabeth, for your comment. I can relate to your experiences, most definitely. I'm still in a low place right now, trying to deal with my own BPD and crumbling relationship. I wonder if I can ever be in a good enough place to have a healthy relationship. It's this very doubt that triggers my suicidal thoughts.

This blog isn't about how to help, it's about how to shun people that need help. No one asks to have BPD. I have it. I don't want to manipulate anyone. I just want to be loved and wanted. This is more about bashing your ex than trying to come to a greater understanding of the unlucky people who developed this disease. Would you blog about how much it sucks to be with a blind person or someone in a wheelchair?

hi. i was involved with a man that has bpd. he was mental cruel and abusive to me. that is not a judgment. it's a fact. he was also very good to me. that too is a fact. i loved this person very much, but felt that it could be dangerous for me to stick around. he was also rejecting. push, pull, push, pull. i wish i had known more about bpd. maybe if i would have been like the woman whose article is being criticized right now -- firm with boundaries, and unwilling to put up with his BS, we might still be together. i still love this man. so, i would ask people on here that have bpd, please don't be insulted. just like we don't know what it's like to be on your side, you don't know what it's like to be on the receiving end of your hurtful rage and behaviors. if there's no honest communication, and changes, and just pretty stories, how can we ever come together? i wish so much that i could've stayed with my bpd. just because nons see your faults, and you certainly see ours, doesn't mean we don't love you.

Hello,
As I was reading I had to keep reminding myself, of how much of yourself you have given in your blogs.
This one may not have been the best worded, but it was an honest perspective of what you went through.
I often do not like to face my own 'manipulation' of my ex-partner. I would 'get sick-ill' when he wanted time out with friends or to be alone. I would cry and shout that I am not well enough to be alone!
I often do not want to face my own 'responsibility' for my self harm: my ex, he did the right thing, to refuse, to be involved with this behavior, past calling an ambulance or my GP, he would then walk away. Through his strength, suffering, and pain, I eventually found ways to cope with mine.
I could not have become, stronger, more loving to self and others, if this man did not stand firm, he eventually had to leave me, for me to become, who I am now: a woman in constant recovery process, functioning with BPD, a women worth a little suffering for! I no longer 'manipulate' in such negative ways, or become suicidal when alone. For many of us this. Is/was a brutal truth.
I was also very easily manipulated, my second relationship, cost me, every penny of savings, contents of my flat. This was for similar reasons that you described, another person, telling me, how 'crazy-mental-over reacting' that I was, which would trigger a guilt cycle, I would give-do-buy anything he wanted to make it up to him.
Between these two people, I finally found a way, to start to learn, how to grow myself emotionally, and cope with my symptoms.
If none of this applies to others with BPD, that is wonderful for you, celebrate your fortune, your strength, and please try not to judge those of us, that didn't have your qualities, or your power of expression.
Never give up-we are more than our suffering.
X

Thanks for sharing your story. I have just started a blog about loving one who is an alcoholic with a personality disorder. Blogs like yours help sustain me. I'd love any feedback or comments you might have on my story: dearjohnnarron.wordpress.com

This is very discouraging and I don't know the positive msg in this. I have bpd and I believe though I have my flaws I still have a lot to offer on the table. This makes it sound like we don't deserve to be loved. I am sure if the other person is more aware thrn he or she can be more understanding to find a way to make it healthy

Bad article! Putting down people with BPD and bashing your ex... Terrible! Can't believe this was allowed to be posted!

The subject of relationships for people with mental illness has the potential to be so positive, but this seems to miss the mark. One bad experience does not make a great picture of anything, especially of people with BPD. People with BPD have so many different attributes as well as challenges that it is hard to get a good picture when you take such a narrow approach.
People with BPD can have successful and good relationships... just like anyone else. Maybe we have a few more challenges but let's not have the world thinking that it's not a good thing.
My other issue is the point you make about people with BPS being "sick people". Maybe some, but definitely not all are "sick". Many function very well in spite of the challenges they face. I have BPD but don't see myself as sick. I know many more who are of the same mindset and it is something that enables us to stay well.
What I find most sad about this post is that it strengthens the stigma that exists around BPD. That is the last thing we need and personally I expect better of Healthy Place.

Yet another post stigmatising bpd. Disappointing!