About the Author

..and here's a little ditty about myself

Pretty funky picture, eh? For paranoia's sake, I felt the need to distort it just in case someone I know who doesn't know about my problems happens to bump into this site. I know, I know. I should have a spine and not feel so afraid, but you can't trust everyone in this world, and there are some people who can't know about what is going on with me right now.

Name: Alexandra, aka NotHeavnSent

Location: Middle of east coast (going to have to know me better for me to give an EXACT location *S*).

Age: 22

Hobbies: Ice hockey, psychology, reading whatever I can get my hands on (anyone have a copy of The Green Mile?), listening to KMFDM, Tori Amos, Beth Orton, Nine Inch Nails, etc., collecting Yankee candles, just plain existing and hanging around.

Why Peace, Love, and Hope Exists: When I first came on the 'net around '97 I was surprised there wasn't that much info out there on eating disorders. Maybe it was because there was even less of an understanding and hit-in-the-face realization of their existence then, but I could still say the same for today's perception of eating disorders. Either way, I finally got up the nerve the year after to build a site of my own explaining anorexia and bulimia in my own words so that those out there could realize they are not alone and that they can get help. I didn't want the site to glamorize these demons, though. I had read (and still do, now that I think about it...) too many articles in Seventeen magazine and the rest alike that made eating disorders seem like they weren't all THAT bad, and I refused to candy-coat anything, but at the same time wanted the site to bring comfort in the way of hope. So this is where the site stands now.=) Since I first put it on the 'net, it's gone through a lot of changes for the better, like getting a better lay-out, background, along with a message board and such. I hope that I've gotten my point across about how deadly these demons are, but that there is help available if you want it and are willing to accept it. I guess that's all I can do with this, and with the rest of life -- just try.

Ze Story From the Inside: As I'm sure you've figured out, I, too, battle with an eating disorder. I showed signs of one way back when I was around 8 years of age. It wasn't until about age 11 that it became full blown, and it wasn't until the year after that one day sifting through my mother's old psychology and nursing books that I realized the descriptions of anorexia and bulimia matched what I was doing. Even though all of the medical consequences were there, staring me right in the face, the addiction didn't stop and the purging continued on. I finally hit rock bottom around age 13 when my moods violently swerved around thanks to the chemical imbalances from the purging and the outside problems that lead me to the purging to begin with. I became severely depressed and it was sometimes hard to even get out of bed to take a shower.

At that point, I had been in home schooling since 7th grade so I didn't fall behind in school work, but anything I did study never stayed my head. My problems with cutting (self-injury) became worse and I discovered the dangerous oblivion that comes from drinking, and I just further spiraled on downward.

I don't know what made me get out of my funk, but it seems that I finally just got sick of being sick. I forced myself one day to go to GNC and pick up a big bottle of St. John's Wort to see if maybe that would do any good, and I looked into 12 step programs on the 'net. I also started looking into different life philosophies, spec. Buddhism, to find some clarity in the fog. Even though my head constantly shouted at me day in and day out that none of this would do any good and that I deserved to die, I decided to try things out just to see if they would work. And here I am now. I still find myself addicted to purging and other self-destructive behaviors, but they are definitely to a lesser degree than they were two years ago. The only thing I can do is continue on, plodding forward, even when I hit another period where I think it's impossible to get out of bed. Recently, a friend of mine died from leukemia, and even though I'm still grieving, I've gained a new appreciation for what I do have and I've learned from him that nothing should be wasted during your time here, including your own life. Everyone DESERVES to live, no matter what, and you don't have to be "perfect" or a certain weight to "deserve" that right that was given to you at birth.

Ze Story From the Outside: Yes, there is another part to this story. My parents. I put them on the outside because, well, that's where they are. My mother has long battled with chronic fatigue syndrome and numerous other medical problems that doctors are clueless about, while my father has been no source of help. This leaves the house with a very tense and worry feel to it. Knowing from day one that my mother was stressed out constantly, I learned to keep my feelings on the inside because I knew she would be unable to take any of my "complaining." That's why the problems with bulimia, cutting, drinking occasionally, and so on have stayed on the inside with me.

Yes, my mother has confronted me on a few occasions about catching me purging, but that has only lead to knock-down, drag-out fights with her not being willing to listen to me. So, I guess I just stopped trying to have her understand. She has her problems and I have mine. I'm fortunate to have the few close friends that I do to keep me grounded and on track when I stray too far, and that has done a lot of good. I realize that my friends won't be able to save me forever, but for now it's ok. When I finally get a license, I'll go to support group meetings that are off of the 'net, and then look into one-on-one therapy (BTW, I have asked my mother about seeing a therapist, and the response wasn't pleasant, lol).

I want to note that I do NOT blame my mother for any of this. I used to be pretty bitter about a lot of things, but part of recovery is learning to forgive and move on, and that's what I've done and continue to do. She has her problems, and I have mine, and when we're both more ready and more stable, I'll let her in on what's going on gradually. Time heals all wounds, and that's what I'm waiting on...

Anything Else?: I guess that about does it. When I'm not cleaning the never ending pile of trash in my room or doing my godforsaken homework, I'm usually on here.=) Hang in there everyone, you always have been and always will be good enough.

next: Anorexia: Why We Can't "Just Eat'
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