Doubt is thought's despair; despair is personality's doubt. . .;
Doubt and despair . . . belong to completely different spheres; different sides of the soul are set in motion. . .
Despair is an expression of the total personality, doubt only of thought. -
I Have been suffering with OCD, anxiety and depression from the time I was 7 years old. OCD for me started out with me washing my hands over and over believing that I was contaminated. Then as time went on I started to fear germs, and a illness called HIV. I began to think that if I came in contact with anyone or touched something, that i was going to get AIDS. It was very fearful for me. I often would wake up each day and think in my mind that I was gone to die that day. I would go over in my mind that I was going to be poisoned or swallow something harmful. These thoughts ruled my every day as a child.
Back in the middle 80's a women went a pulled a gun in a mall a killed a group of people for no reason. After this incident occurred I no longer wanted to leave my home, I was afraid that someone would shoot me or try to hurt me. My mom thought that by taking me to this mall and seeing that everything was fine that I would get over it. So she dragged me in the car at age 9, telling me that I would be okay. That we would get a new pair of shoes for me. I was so afraid that I became sick to my stomach and threw up in the mall. OCD caused me at times to loose consternation on my school work. I was always thinking about what bad thing might happen to me or my family or friends.
As a teenager OCD began to effect the way I thought of my self. I always felt the need to be perfect. I hated the way I looked I obsessed about my nose. I hated my nose. I began rituals of scrubbing and cleaning the whole house every day. Instead of going out with friends or having fun as a teen I would clean. Although i still had friends and saw them on the weekend. I was able to hide my problem from them. When I turned 16, i began to feel worthless, that life was un-meaningful. So I had in the back of my mind that I wanted to die. I was very depressed! I did not get out of bed for days. This caused me to miss a lot of school. I was writing poems about death and had treated my mom that i may kill myself. So my mom put me into a group home. There I stayed for 10 days, I began to take a drug called Prozac, witch when I returned home help with my compulsions and depression. I cleaned less. My life began to get better.
I am now 26 years old, I am married. My husband at times has a hard time dealing with my illness. I don't really think he understands me or OCD. It is hard for me now to hold a full time job down, due to the fact that it interferes with my compulsions. My compulsions now are that I have to clean the bathroom every Sunday. Scrub it down! At the moment we are living with my sister. Even though she cleans the house I feel that I still need to clean the house. So every Monday I spend all day until 9 pm at night scrubbing the home down. On Thursday I have rituals I have to again clean the room, wash the sheets, paint my toes and fingers, bath the dog. Cleaning the bathroom is a big thing if anyone outside of my family uses it i have to scrub the toilet down I also so have a fear of becoming sick in the middle of the night and that no one will know. I have to do all of these rituals again that day, or I feel dirty and un alive. I take very long showers thinking that i am dirty. I wash myself twice and then in between both of these showers i wash the bathroom down with Lysol. I wish that I could live a normal life instead of a life of fear. Fear of germs, sickness, death, and loneliness. I have for years try to get help, although at the moment I don't have money to see a behavior therapist. I would do anything to live a normal life.
This is my story, the story of Riley.
I am not a doctor, therapist or professional in the treatment of CD. This site reflects my experience and my opinions only, unless otherwise stated. I am not responsible for the content of links I may point to or any content or advertising in HealthyPlace.com other then my own.
Always consult a trained mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment choice or changes in your treatment. Never discontinue treatment or medication without first consulting your physician, clinician or therapist.
Content of Doubt and Other Disorders
copyright ©1996-2009 All Rights Reserved
Tracy, N. (2009, January 12). 'Riley', HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2020, July 6 from https://www.healthyplace.com/ocd-related-disorders/articles/riley