My Obsessively Clean Diary: April and May 2002

Quest for Freedom!

~ An insight into OCD ~ Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Dear Diary,

I think from now on, I shall be updating my OCD Diary every two months rather than every month. I'm not the happiest of people at the moment. In fact, quite the opposite and I can't help feeling that you don't really want to read about my sadness each month.

My OCD is doing great really. I can do whatever I want, go where I want and apart from the odd need to wash my hands an extra time, I'm doing really well with it :0) I drive regularly now and am getting more and more confident at it. The more I do, the further I go. There are lots of baby rabbits along the sides of the road here at the moment which is why I've used the rabbit graphic on this page.

I have been concentrating on my fitness levels recently and improving them by walking a lot - weather permitting! and going on an exercise bike everyday. I got so dangerously unfit during the housebound years and could hardly walk anywhere without it hurting when I first arrived here. Now though, I regularly go for long walks and enjoy keeping fit.

My sadness is caused by my relationship with Phil, of course. Since my last entry, nothing has moved on anywhere and I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall sometimes. He says he has to make a decision for himself for what he wants in his life, which is fair enough. But is he going to just plod on like this until we're old and grey? Knowing him, yes. He never has been the most decisive person.

I wish I could stop loving and missing him so much. It would make things so much easier for me, but I've tried and it doesn't happen. I get angry and upset with him, but I know our being apart is wrong so I can't get past that! If only he'd waited for me to be able to have fun with him instead of him behaving like a single man and having fun without me, neither of us would be in this mess now.

Oh well, I will add to this if there's any updates to add, but sign off until next month now. Take care. Hugs.

Sani. xx

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