An Adventure in Love - Loving and Losing Successfully

I have just gone through an adventure in Love.   A expedition into the realm of Romantic Relationship.   It turned into an experience of Love and Joy so exquisite and sublime that my life has been changed forever.   I have Loved and been Loved - and on the wings of that Love have soared to elevations of vibrational consciousness that approached (as near as I have ever been) the level of the kingdom of Heaven within - and I have (seemingly) lost the person that I Love without losing access to those heights of consciousness.   A "Miracle" is far too small a word for what I have experienced.   "Grateful" is but a drop of water in an ocean of what I feel for the incredible, amazing gift which I have been given - and have, I am extremely thankful, been courageously working on my healing long enough to be open to receive.

There are a multitude of levels to this tale of Romantic Love - some involving lifetimes tens of thousands of years apart, some containing lifetimes of experience in only a few hours of two souls excruciatingly touching with Love.   The version shared here is but a limited, linear perspective of an outline of the events as they unfolded.

It is a tale of how my greatest fear came true but my response to it took me to a place of Joy and Love that is sublimely, exquisitely, magical and mystical - and Amazingly miraculous.

Prologue

Last summer (98), three slight but ultimately - in hindsight - very significant insights were reveled which led to shifts in my relationship with my self that manifested recently.

1. I got in touch (in a CoDA meeting I think) with the fact that I was totally shut down to the romantic in me.   Like all of the inner child places and archetypes within me - I had spent most of my life reacting to the romantic within me by swinging to extremes.   I would let my endless, aching need to find her lead me to casting the wrong person in the part of the princess in my romantic fairy tale - and then when I got really hurt by allowing the romantic to be in control - I would shut down to it completely.   I would throw the romantic me into an inner dungeon and throw away the key - until some time years later when I would repeat the pattern by letting the romantic take over again.

It made me sad to realize that I had left the romantic locked away for quite awhile again.   The romantic within me is one of my favorite parts of me.   The idealist and dreamer - creative and spontaneous and very Loving.   I decided that I would start opening up to letting the romantic out on parole to see if it was possible to be open to doing a relationship in balance.   I heard myself saying to people:   that hurt was inevitable and should be accepted as part of the path;   that it was better to Love and lose then to never to take the risk of Loving;   that the only way to really learn how to do a relationship was in one;   that relationships that didn't work out were lessons - not mistakes, not a wrong choice;   and other such Truths - and realized that once more I was teaching what I needed most to learn.   Theoretically I knew these things to be True - but on an emotional level I was absolutely terrified of intimacy because I didn't trust myself to make good choices.

I could see clearly that though I said I was trying to heal my relationship phobia - I had been basically unavailable for relationship for over 5 years since a 2 year living together relationship ended.   About 4 years ago I had a short fling with a really good woman who I wasn't emotionally mature enough to appreciate (it is of course possible to be very wise, competent, and mature in many areas and completely immature in others - intimate relationships being the foremost area of immaturity for many of us).   And then had two dating relationships with women who weren't even a remote possibility to be her.   The last dating situation was like a manifestation of my disease - with me attempting to rescue the most wounded, negative part of me as manifested in a very wounded woman.   That one scared me so much that I shut down to any possibility of a relationship and put up my force shield that gives off those "stay away vibes" - for almost 2 years by last summer.

So, when I had the insight about the romantic within me, I started considering the possibility that maybe I might do a relationship again one of these days - possibly.   (Change starts with surrendering to being open to considering the possibility.)

2. In doing my daily prayers and affirmations (which I don't always do daily by the way) I was led to add a phrase to one of my affirmations.   It changed from "I am a magnificent Spiritual Being full of Light and Love.   I am radiantly beautiful and vibrantly healthy" to "radiantly beautiful, vibrantly healthy, and Joyously Alive."   Six months later, I am more Joyously Alive than I had ever imagined possible - affirmations work folks.

3. In another part of my affirmations, a slip of my tongue (I always pay attention to those Freudian slips) caused me to mention my twin soul in an affirmation about how emotional support, friendship, and Love are manifesting in my life easily and effortlessly, freely and abundantly.   I thought, oh that is interesting, and then let it go because I had completely let go of the possibility that I would be united with my twin soul in this lifetime.   Then the next week the same slip occurred again.   So I added it to my affirmation and started making room in my consciousness for the possibility.

The next part of the process was that the Universe, through the late summer and fall put me in numerous situations where I got to see how good I had gotten at setting boundaries, speaking my Truth, and just generally taking care of myself.   Since I know that my Spiritual growth process is why I am here and the absolute number 1 priority in my life, I pay attention to all of the accidents and coincidences   Everything that happens in my life is part of my growth process.   I take note of it and then file it away to be recalled when the next little bit of the puzzle is revealed.   I was aware that I was gaining more confidence and trust in myself - and that there was a reason that this was happening.   I wasn't particularly thinking of the relationship thing - I knew it was a possibility, but I have learned to head in the direction that the Universe points me while also letting go of trying to figure out where I am going to end up. The outcome is what I am powerless over - I have the power to take action in a direction / to plant some seeds but then I need to surrender to the Universe being in charge.   Oh, I will water and weed and tend to the seeds every once in a while but it is important that I not get too focused on any future stuff because then I will miss some of today.

So, I was focusing on being present today and taking note of the accidents and coincidences that were unfolding without having a clue about the Amazing, Magnificent, Miraculous, Magical, Fiery Eruption of Joy & Love & Dazzling Light that was about to change my life forever.

next: Union Within