Finding Time for Sex

What are the reasons to find time for sex? Importance of spontaneity in sex. Tips for talking, taking turns, and why quality not quantity should count

Too busy for sex?

With all the demands of modern life, many couples can find it hard to schedule in time to have sex. To nurture this vital part of your relationship says psychosexual therapist Paula Hall, you need to dispense with a few bedroom myths and make time to make love.

Sex in the early days When you meet someone and fall in love, your whole life revolves around getting to know them better, particularly their body. After a while, however, you realize love won't pay the bills and you settle down to 'normal' life.

This is generally when sex becomes something you do at night in bed - preferably before you fall asleep. But, after a hard day's graft, sometimes there just isn't enough energy left.

Quality not quantity

At this stage, quality becomes more important than quantity. When you're having sex as often as you like, it doesn't really matter if you have the odd unsatisfactory encounter. But if you're only managing it once a week - if you're lucky - you need make the most of it. Which means making sure you're not hanging on to any unrealistic expectations.

Sex and spontaneity

It's a myth that sex is better when it's spontaneous. That holiday you've been looking forward to for the past six months - would it have been more enjoyable without any planning? Not necessarily. In fact, on the contrary, it might have been a disaster. Although a surprise sex session can be fantastic, planning builds anticipation. And anticipation builds arousal.

If you have kids or you work long hours, you'll probably need to schedule in time for sex. This means you can make sure you feel your sexiest by planning what to wear and taking a relaxing bath or shower. You can also spend days teasing each other with what you've got planned for when the time comes.

Taking turns

Another myth is that sex should be entirely mutual at all times. Apparently, you should caress one another at exactly the same moment, fuelling passion in perfect synch. But that's a bit like patting your head and rubbing your stomach. Yes, it's possible, but it means you can't concentrate properly on either activity. How can you focus your attention fully on giving pleasure at the same time as luxuriating in the sensation of being touched? It's not possible. Someone will miss out.

So take it in turns. Enjoy the look on your partner's face as you build them into a frenzy of sexual excitement. Then relax and enjoy when it's your turn. Mutual sex is great for a quick one. But if you have to plan the time together, use it to the full.

Start talking

Some people believe good sex should be instinctive. If you really love your partner, they say, and if you're really in tune with them, you'll know exactly how they like to be touched. Your bodies will writhe in mutual passion without a word being uttered.

For some reason, sex is the one arena where we expect our partners to read our minds. Rather than simply saying a word or two about what we like or don't, we go to extraordinary lengths to give encouragement by groaning and moaning at exactly the right moment. The opportunity for miscommunication with this method is huge.

Rather than gambling with your sexual satisfaction, start talking. You'll find it builds far more intimacy than a silent romantic failure. And it's not just in the midst of an ecstatic encounter that it's good to talk. Next time you realize you haven't had sex for weeks, get your diaries out and make a date. And as the date gets nearer, talk about what you're going to do to each other and how you're going to make sure it's a night (or day) to remember.

Tips for talking

• Whoever is doing the touching should do most of the talking
• Next time you're caressing your partner, ask for feedback. Would they like it harder or softer? Longer or shorter strokes? Up a bit or down a bit?
• For more ideas, see Bedroom talk

Reasons to make time for sex

Still not convinced it's worth penciling in a bedroom session? Research shows that regular sex can make you feel and look healthier. When you make love, your body releases substances in the brain that reduce stress and anxiety. It also produces chemicals that create stronger feelings of affection between couples; stimulates growth hormones that reduce fatty tissue and increase lean muscle; and burns off more than 100 calories per hour.