Lost Days Because of Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar disorder makes me lose days. Whole days lost to a disease of the brain. And when I say “lost,” I mean lost. I mean I can’t find myself during lost days and I can’t find the lost days once they have passed. All I have a recollection of it losing them. Bipolar disorder causes these lost days and I hate it.

What Is a ‘Lost Day’ Because of Bipolar Disorder?

A “lost day” is a day where absolutely nothing gets done and you barely move – perhaps only to go to the bathroom and maybe eat something. Lost days are when you try to get things done like writing or vacuuming but, instead, all you find is sleep and immobility. It’s a day that has no productivity whatsoever. And even though you might think of this as a day of rest, you’re not particularly rested during or after a lost day. A lost day is just a day of nothing. It’s a wasted day of life.

Lost Days and Bipolar Disorder

Everyone has lost days; I fully acknowledge this. I fully acknowledge that some days any human can awake to find him or herself binge-watching Netflix while eating nothing but cereal in pajamas all day. This is a normal experience and happens now and then.

But lost days in bipolar disorder are different – they are different in that they are more frequent and I feel decidedly bad about them. It’s not that I don’t understand that lost days are normal – I do, it’s that I can’t afford them and they happen far too often.

You see, I work every day. Yes, yes, someone out there is going to tell me how “bad” that is. But for me, it’s the only thing that works. I have very few hours per day that are functional and I have to use those hours to be productive – and that means working. I have to make a living. And unlike someone else who will work eight hours a day, five days a week, I can’t work eight hours in a day so I must work seven days a week to make up for it.

A bipolar disorder lost day really messes up my life.

Why Does Bipolar Disorder Produce Lost Days?

I’m not sure why so many of my days are lost. I think it’s just the exhaustion the bipolar disorder naturally brings. Bipolar disorder rears its hideous head some days and simply will not be denied. And I don’t even binge on Netflix eating cereal during a lost day. I actually can’t do much by lie on my couch and enjoy the sound of my cat’s purring (which I do appreciate, by the way). My brain simply won’t allow stimuli, even stimuli as innocuous as Netflix reruns.

I suspect bipolar disorder produces lost days because I’m so busy trying desperately to survive on all the other days that it needs a break. It needs a break from all that trying all the time.

Dealing with Lost Days in Bipolar Disorder

Lost days in bipolar disorder tick me the heck off. I hate a day that I look back on and see nothingness. I hate a day when all I did was stare at the ceiling, or the wall, or at nothing. It really, really makes me mad. I needed that day. I needed to be productive that day. I needed to get things done on that day. And because they weren’t, it just makes the future days all the harder.

All that said, I recognize that lost days will happen in bipolar disorder and there’s nothing I can do about it. Trying to fight during a lost day leads to great upset and a worsening of mood. I know this. So I have to suffer through lost days. I have to admit that with a broken brain, some days are just for staring at the ceiling. And I have to admit that these things will happen at the least convenient times.

So, yeah, I hate bipolar disorder-related lost days. But I suspect I need them and I suspect they will continue to make their presence known.