Things Verbal Abusers Say and Do
What does verbal abuse sound like? The tone and content vary from abuser to abuser, but the words affect the victim in similar ways. Victims hear horrible things from their abuser and they feel small, withdrawn, angry, helpless, sad, ashamed, and a hundred other horrible emotions - sometimes all at once.
At the beginning of my abusive relationship, I felt anger and stood up for myself leading to loud, circular verbal altercations that had no solutions. Later, after coming to believe that he was my hero, my savior, and my provider, I felt stupid and wanted to fix myself so he would love me. Much later, I turned away and left the house for a while which eventually led to increased physical violence and leaving forever.
Sometimes my abuser's words hurt when he jabs and attempts to provoke me on the phone. Mainly, the memory, the countless memories of the abusive things he's said to me rear up and try to convince me that his remembered voice is my own.
This list is only a partial list of the things verbal abusers say. It's not limited to my own abusive relationship. It takes into account what others report hearing, too.
Things Verbal Abusers Say:
- "Why don't you get a job so you understand the real world? Oh, wait - I forgot - you can't get a job because you're a stupid sh!t.
- "Quit your whining and crying. You have no reason to cry or complain! Your life is perfect because I made it that way!"
- "Bitch" (and the countless other names I won't bother to list)
- "I should have left you at the club with all the other whores."
- "If you were more like my mother I could worship you."
- "I hate it when you act so pitiful. Stop the waterworks and talk like a human being."
- "I can't stand to look at you. You make me sick."
- "You're such a great actress! You know how to get what you want, don't you?"
- "I can't believe I have to come home to you every day. How did I get involved with such a train wreck?"
- "I must be the first a$$hole to love you. You don't know how to please a man!"
- "You're fat and miserable and you make me hate you."
- "You always look like God stomped on your face."
- "Why do you care what I want for dinner? My favorites taste like crap when you make them anyway."
- "You used to be as beautiful as my ex, but geesh - time hasn't been good to you, baby!"
- "Those children are mine, will always be mine, and if you leave you'll never see them again."
Things Verbal Abusers Do:
- Deny they said anything similar to the list above.
- Defend what they've said.
- Analyze what they've said out loud, explaining that the words they used do not have the definitions you seem to think they do.
- Block you in a room so you can't leave and thereby avoid what they're saying.
- Talk horribly to the television but are really speaking to you.
- Flip open their knife to open a piece of gum while looking at you under knitted brows.
- Leave to do something else at the last minute when you had plans together.
- Take you out for your best birthday ever and then wind up berating you on the way home for not appreciating their efforts enough.
- Tell your children you need more happy pills to be a good mom.
- Change the topic of the conversation so you bounce from one place to another, never getting to the core of the issue.
- Accuse you of being a whore or a dummy or a _________ so often that they no longer need to say the words but can offer up a "look" and you know what they're saying (then they may deny it).
Okay. I have to stop. My stomach is literally upset right now after digesting the utter contempt and hatred some people spew on a daily basis.
If you're still living in this nonsense, learn about detachment and how it can benefit you. Maybe in time you'll choose to leave your abuser, and maybe you'll choose to stay. No one here will judge you for staying (I've been there and it can feel hopeless!), but please work on ways to make yourself feel better in the process.
Start here:
- Walk Away From Verbal Abuse
- Justice For Abuse Survivors (scroll half way down)
You can also find Kellie on her website at Verbal Abuse Journals and can buy her books from Amazon.
*Both women and men could be abusers or victims, so do not take my pronoun choices as an implication that one gender abuses and the other is victimized.
APA Reference
Jo, K.
(2012, April 29). Things Verbal Abusers Say and Do, HealthyPlace. Retrieved
on 2024, November 21 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2012/4/things-verbal-abusers-say-and-do
Author: Kellie Jo Holly
My husband of 4 months has been verbally abusive toward me and has never showed signs of remorse or care concerning the way he treats me. I was single for 12 years awaiting the man I would share my life with but all I want to do is run as far away as I can. He always continues as if nothing happened and blames me for his nasty attitude toward me. I'm a pretty confident women who paid a price to be where I am today but I left everything to be dis valued and disrespected. I tried to highlight the good about him hoping he would change but how could you change when you believe strongly that it's not you. He's slandered my name to his family. In the beginning it shocked me and I retaliated back with words but that's not who I am today so I withdrew from his ignorance. Last night I decided I deserve better and let it go but for some reason I feel sorry for him just not enough to stay in the marriage. I never been in a relationship like this before and I love me to much to continue being disrespected. Leave with the little dignity you have left before you have nothing at all.
It's now been 8 months since I left my verbally and sexually abusive ex. I feel so much better than I was even before I met him and I know that has only been possible because of myfaith in God and Christ's unconditional, restoring love for me. Like most of you, my ex was incredibly charming from the beginning. We were in a long distance relationship and the first time we met in person, he'd flown over from the states to London to visit me. It was a magical one week Sowerby together, he was very romantic and I couldn't believe how lucky I was to have found someone like him. Over time though things started changing gradually. I noticed he was prone to outbursts and would say hurtful things. I initially just took it as the normal fights couples go through our excused it for the stress he was facing at work because he was a resident doctor. With time he started pressuring me to expose myself sexually to him via Skype even though he knew i wasn't comfortable with it. We had talked from the beginning about sex and I'd made it clear I was saving myself for marriage. He would say things to me like "are you normal? , were you abused? " etc because he couldn't understand why I didn't want to get intimate with him. I really liked him and I sometimes I'd partly undress in front of him i guess to prove to him and myself that i did have sexual desires as well even though i was keeping them in check. All of this was happening remotely as we were in different cities. Other times when we had fights and he was angry, he would call me a selfish person, tell me i knew nothing about love. I never responded back aggressively to him because his words always took me by surprise and i wasn't raised to speak to people in that manner so i always found it hard to understand why he would speak to me that way and yet tell me that he highly regarded and respected me. Sometimes it was my fault he got upset, he'd tell me that i said something that reminded me of his ex or tuned him the wrong way. I believed him and so gradually i started watching my words and wondering each time we argued what I'd done to set him off. It was mostly always something I'd done and not him. I'll admit that some of our arguments were also due to my having a strong personality and firm opinions which clashed with his.
Finally things took a turn for the worse when i went over to visit him. We went on a vacation together and he gave me grief for not sleeping with him, telling me that he still felt alone though i was there with him, that i wasn't showing him affection bla bla bla. I felt horrible! One day he gave me the cold treatment for the entire day and barely spoke to me. I tried to pacify him and convince him that i loved him but for him, love meant having sex with him. This wasn't the worst part of the relationship though. It was when the words turned to me behaving like a bitch,telling me to go to hell,saying God forbid that he would ever marry someone like me, using the f-word to my face, saying women annoy the hell out of him etc that i knew i had to end the relationship.
Here i was this confident, professional woman who no longer recognised herself. I used to ask myself how i could have ended up in that relationship. I was a mess by the time i could muster up the courage to end the relationship. I knew i needed to get away from it and rediscover myself but also he needed help and it was not mine to give. The thing is, most of us women erroneously believe that we can change the abuser and we convince ourselves that they need us, that we love them, that they're good and perhaps if we can just show them that what they're saying or doing is wrong then they'll change. Sadly this is all part of the manipulation of abusers that messes with our psyche. Most abusers won't change until they can recognise that their behavior is fundamentally wrong. one can only change a ring one recognises and sadly many don't because it is ingrained in them and forms part of their character. I felt guilty for a long time for walking away and i kept thinking maybe it wasn't all that bad and i was overreacting but what helped me realise it was bad was that i couldn't recognise myself anymore. A good relationship will enrich and not diminish you. So ask yourself this question putting emotions aside - do you feel enriched by your partner in every way or do you feel bad about yourself?
If you're reading this and suspect you're in an abusive relationship, chances are you most likely are. Your spirit is telling you what your mind refuses to accept. You may think it's impossible to walk away for whatever reason, but know that by staying on in the relationship, you will continue to be chipped away bit by bit like a block and you're not helping the abuser who also needs professional help. If he's willing to seek counsel and you're not willing to walk away, then get help. But if he's not, know that you will be OK even if you leave him. It may be horrible initially but day by day you will find strength to move on through the love and support of friends, loved one and your faith if you have one. I'm speaking from experience and I hope that my story can encourage someone reading this.
I hate my partner of 10 years. He spent 8 years battering me. He hasn't hit me for 18 months, but the verbal abuse continues. We have two kids together, and not even the kids like him. I think I'm ready to call it a day. I have somewhere to go, for me and the kids. The last straw, I think, was 3 weeks ago, when I went to the Dr because I was feeling really ill. The Dr called an ambulance to take me to the hospital, where I was kept in for a week with acute respiratory distress due to pneumonia and asthma. I called my partner to tell him that my GP had called an ambulance for me. His response was "Well you can't leave the car outside the Drs surgery, you stupid woman, you'll get a parking ticket." One day after I came out of hospital, still weak and on a lot of medication, he threw me and the kids out of the house. Luckily I have somewhere to go. Within a couple of days he'd wheedled his way back in with me. However, soon the nastiness crept back in. He's very angry with me for being too ill to sexually service him. He burned some rubbish in the garden that I'd been asking him to do for over a year, and expected me to have sex with him to thank him. I have told him that I don't want to have sex with him because I don't feel the same way about him as I used to, because of all the terrible things he's done to me in the past. I laughed, and he said "Why are you laughing? I don't think this is very funny!" I told him it's funny because he just doesn't get it. You reap what you sow. You do things that make me hate you, and then have the gall to act like the wounded party when you get back the monster that you created. He keeps saying things like I should stop being so selfish, and start putting him first. Yeah, of course, I'd be sooooo much happier if I did that. He says it's not fair, he's stopped hitting me, so I should be making an effort to make him happy and show him some affection. Oh dear, that horse has long gone my friend. I DON'T LOVE YOU ANY MORE!!! You are ugly inside, and that's all I see now. Plus you smell like a tramps underpants. The only trouble is, I pity him, I feel so sorry for him. He's got an eye disease and is going blind. That's why I keep going back, because I know he can't cope without me, and even though I wish him dead 100 times a day, I'm not so much of a bitch that I'd leave him starve. He's asked me to get him a fuck buddy now lol! He asked me the same thing before, when I was pregnant with our first child, because my pregnant body repulsed him. And now it's him that repulses me. Doesn't feel so good now the shoes on the other foot, does it??? (BTW I didn't get him a fuck buddy back then and I'm not going to now!) I just can't understand why he keeps wanting to ressurrect this relationship, when I have been honest with him about how I feel, when I've told him I don't love him, don't want him, and am not prepared (or able) to forget the past. Where is his pride??? What kind of person would keep pestering a woman for sex when she's told him straight she doesn't want him, because he is an abuser, physical and emotional. Why won't he just leave me alone???
Because he is an abuser. He will not leave you alone. If you want peace, you'll have to leave him and create it for yourself.
i am married to a man that verbally abuses me. he is never wrong. if he does something he will never apologise to me. he will yell, and put the phone down( sometimes switch it off). and at the end i will be the one apologising for the sake of peace. he can be a really nice guy if he wants to but can be a monster the next minute. i love him very much and somehow i feel like he knows that i love him and as a result he takes advantage of my love for him. he has cheated on me more than once. the problem is as much as i want to leave, im scared, embarrased, and really dont have the energy to start all over again. i need you to please help me how do i stop running back to him after a fight? how do i stop relying on him to make me happy? how do i become confident again? i financially taking care of myself as im working.
I am 13 and my boyfriend's 16 we've been together for a few months now at first he was really sweet but then he started calling me stupid I told him that I didn't like it n that it hurt me he said he was really sorry and didn't mean it so I forgave him but he did it again n again n again apologizing every time it's like a never ending cycle is this verbal abuse
Yes, it is verbal abuse. When you tell someone you love that a simple thing they say hurts you but they keep saying it, then you know they do not care about you at all. Unless they can break you down into believing you are stupid so you will refer to their judgment for all of your choices and words.
If he loved you, he would have stopped calling you stupid a long time ago.
I am a mother of 4 children, my husband and I split up for 10mths n only lived separately for 6 mths. I asked him in june to find his own place n he responded with 30days. Well 30 days went by n I asked what he was doing n then it was another 30 days... Well finally the arguments n division in the house was so awkward, i booked him a one way ticket back to his sisters. On his going away outting his friends gave him, he collected a number, which I did not know at the time. We decided to split because We felt like it was a reoccurring nightmare. I also do everything for him n he did not appreciate anything i did or the things i bought. He would always break things n say "it was cheap anyway" on things i spent over $600 on. I would get angry. Say because yiu didnt pay for it, its cheap! Let someone break something of his n the whole neighborhood can hear it. Well i went out with a guy, who asked me out. I have never had anyone shiow me such chivalry, i thought that was dead. I told my husband when he flew in. This was december. In february we decided to take it slow n reconcile. Well i checked the phone records n he had a girlfriend, he met at a bar on his going away night. I questioned why he did t tell me n i was honest n he blatantly lied about having anyone. He had her for almost 6 months. Well we still moved forward putting it behind us. Now 10mths later n im am still getting the verbal attacks of me being a hoe, bitch, im just as dumb as i look n he shoulda never came bk, he hates me. Fuck my family n my raggedy ass sister, who took him in when he had no place to go. Tells my mother to fuck off, i am scandalous. We have been together 11yrs minus the 10mth separation. He tells me im lying all the time about where i go n im at my mothers. He brings up the guys name i told him about n says go run n tell jo about this, when he choked me. Oh did i mention that he threw me down n kicked me around before, now im starting to get choked n then he told me if he finds out im cheating or have a boyfriend, he is going to kill me n thats a promise. This was on Valentines night. I am scared n i dont know what to do. I just told him that i cant be with anyone who thinks of me that way. He says he just said that because he was mad, but he says it everytimes hes mad n i always feel like shit, but i put on a good happy front to my family n friends. I sometimes wish me n my kids can go to sleep n wake up in a better place. Any advice?
This sounds like a great time to get a restraining order and have him removed from the home. Remember to tell the judge he threatened to kill you. Make him get out of the home.
Break it down for your friends and family. Tell Joe if it makes you feel good. I am almost positive they know bad things are happening to you but haven't figured out how to bring it up to your "brave face". You need their support to bolster your courage as you get rid of this dangerous man once and forever.
After you get him out, DO NOT communicate with him at all. Not on the phone, via text, social media or slipping notes to him via mutual friends.
Visit http://verbalabusejournals.com/how-stop-abuse/safety-planning/ to download a free safety plan (scroll to bottom of page to find it).
It is time to go. You are considering going to sleep and waking up in a better place. You may be suicidal.
Call both the National Domestic Violence Hotline and the National Suicide Prevention Hotline. Today.
My boyfriend was really sweet at first. He really took care of me and fawned over me. He still does sometimes. Pretty early in the relationship he would lose his temper and swear quite a bit... at the dogs, at cars, because he stubbed his toe... I did not like it much but everyone has flaws. It has progressed to a pretty awful level. Last week he told me he hated me, yesterday he told me "f... you", "I wish you'd flush your head down the toilet", then he flipped me off. After a disagreement about how to spend the day he went off on me about how it was "not ok" how my shoes were on the floor and I was on fb for part of the morning (I cleaned quite a bit as well.) The shaming hurt the most and I just went to bed and couldn't really get up again. He started in on the apology cycle again and I just can't do it again. It was obvious and he started saying I should move out "someone will take me in", of course he tries to reverse it all and make up and I just keep telling him the way he talks to me is demoralizing, people who love each other cannot say those things. I don't want another apology. It has to stop. He did not like this at all. I just stuck to it. That is all I would really say, "no one deserves to be talked to that way". He left for a week. Hopefully money is coming together and I can buy a trailer and be gone by the time he gets home unless a serious therapy or self improvement commitment is made. Would love some support. I am pretty alone.
I have been in an abusive relationship for 30 years. I'm in the process of leaving him. I have 2 days to finish moving out of our home. My adult/kids are helping. But I'm so scared he verbally beat me down until I had a complete breakdown.I have been to sick to work since. The comment made about drinking is so right on. It helps numb the heart wrenching pain. I have never been alone or loved alone as an adult. I do scared and have no idea how to start a new life alone.?
being abused so is my dad but scared say something afrarid to be beat
Been with my boyfriend for 8 years - he made promises he did not keep, lies about what he promised, caught in his lies red handed, & when confronted he says it's my imagination, I need psycho meds, I have mental issues etc...Well, maybe; because I refuse to compromise my principals to accommodate his teen porn addiction. My convictions will not accommodate his addiction for the pure protection of my 12 yr old son. Due to my divorce from his father (verbally abusive with an MBA & taught my 3 yr old to mimic him when he called me a MFB etc...= divorce) my son sees my boyfriend as his dad.
So, last time I caught him provocatively looking at young girls in public I lost it and cold cocked him (it was quite a tussel after my child was asleep); then I played the 'imagination, drama, etc...card' on him. What I did was horrid & wrong. In retrospect my temper blew from the years of being second to porn & from the insecurities he exploited. He knew my vulnerability & took advantage of my trust, generosity, and family. Yes, he WAS able to feed into the insecurities with sly verbal comments (you have large pores on your face, you will need a boob job when your 45, complaints about my lack of gourmet taste, and lack of knowledge regarding most things).
Oh yeah & I did not mention the fact he pays one bill ($65 Internet bill), I pay the rest. He does contribute but makes sure the job is only 85% done (example; will mop, but 'forgets' a room so I have to go back & do it) & then tells me I am crazy b/c I am fussy. WTF, I am detached, but so sick of his contridictions, I just let it all hang out. So it not good when I respond with how a real man would be nice instead of a Peter Pan.
Look forward to addvice, comments, &/or questions.
Thank you for your time.
ShannonB
For 7 years I have been in a relationship with a man who I feel is abusive.he criticizes everything I do,be it parenting,what I look like,how I walk,calls me vile names like the c word on a daily basis (in front of my children),is vile to our older daughter because our youngest is his favourite.he's held me down and choked me in front of them,threatened to slit my throat and eat my flesh,threatened to hang my oldest brother(!),threatened me with a samurai sword.he's also incredibly selfish,lazy and orders me around and tells me what to do.when I had a collapsed lung due to pneumonia when I was 7 months pregnant,he shouted at me because I asked him to phone an ambulance for me because I could barely breathe.I have tried to talk to him about it and he says he "knows he's horrible but..." like it's my fault.I don't even answer him back anymore because I am terrified of what will happen if I do.I know that I am a good person,he hasn't beaten it out of me yet (no pun intended) but I feel so lost and alone.every day I have a little cry when he's not around but I don't cry because of the things he does to me,I cry for my children.I want to leave desperately but I am scared he may do something terrible.I also have no money and am in a mountain of debt because he very rarely helps me financially.it helps to know that I am not alone when I read things like this,but I'm at the end of my rope....I have lost 2 and half stone in the last 3 months because it really seems to have escalated lately.However I know I have to leave,because I deserve more than this.I know I have a good heart and a nice nature and I would never hurt anyone.My problem is how to go about it with no money and two children under 6.
I read through the entries and was floored by the amount of those that have taken up drinking in order to mask their hurt,pain ,shame and humilation. Drinking is a symtom of something much deeper inside ourselves that we desperately wish to escape.
All these entries are heartbreaking.Especially from those that are allowing to another person to take such power and control from you- that you are starting to listen to those vicious and demeaning lies.
Think of your kids who are depending on you to be the strong one - think of your aging parents who worry themselves endlessly about the bad situation you may be in.
You may not ever be able to change the person who is tormenting you- but YOU have the power to change yourself and take back your control of your life.
Sometimes we just have to start those changes in baby steps.
In response to ' Desperate' entry-
from personal experience I can tell you this guys will continue in his behavior-
and the abuse will only escalate.
Please realize you cannot fix this guy- love yourself and above all think of your unborn child- does your baby deserve to live in such an abusive and toxic enviroment?
Please - do not walk but run from this guy- he honestly sounds like he is ready willing and capable of violent acts against you and your unborn baby.
I will pray for the both of you- good luck and may you have a blessed day.
I'm separated from my ex but thought we had a better relationship apart as best friends with benefits as hes very abusive when we together , which had really worked until recently. He is very emotional abusive and he thinks throwing things at me or shoving or poking me isn't abusive. Its Christmas and he is with me with his kids for Christmas. Today he has called me slut, bitch, shoved, threw a pillow at my face, knocked my head a few times to listen, blamed me for everything gone wrong, embarrassed me and broken stuff. The thing is if I cry he'll make a scene, if I say something wrong he'll make a scene grab the kids in front of the whole neighbourhood and say Im kicking them out in the middle of the night. He'll yell out to everyone that its me. I've got two weeks of this before I can go home as we re going to his families for the holiday. I cant do anything but suck it up till his kids go home. My son is going away so im glad he'll be ok. His family will just blame me. I hate this caus I have no where to go and cry
Here’s the thing about a man I’m going to describe.
They are so good at being someone they are not.
They can tell you the past is the past and let it go, but then they come at you with some delusional alternate reality where anything they say has nothing to do with them and only you are wrong and you can be abused disrespected baited accused and you just have to take it and accept it.
Once you grasp the charming romantic loving sweet selfless giving side then fall for it you are blinded and in love then they quickly change sometimes it’s more gradual and then they work to be a little better but it’s always temporary. It’s a bandaid for a permanent problem within themselves being damaged and broken trying to make u controlled and feel lost and without an identity.
They will try and attempt to isolate you and take everything away from you make you admit things you never did and or wouldn’t do and beat you to death with the past and forget all they have said and done to you.
They say they want to change but do nothing to actually wholeheartedly do so.
This is reactive abuse.
Gaslighting narcissistic abusers.
This is my story of just tonight-
My ex/bf whatever he is will gaslight me and call me names then continue abusing me and what what he wants when he wants it without giving me any respect I deserve. I know my worth and I’m truly a beautiful woman. I use to model and I could still model and I sing. I’m smart and I should know better than to let a man let alone a man i love treat me this hideously. He will try and convince me it’s my fault how he treats me cuz I should have showed him my body and gotten him off when he wanted. He tells me I’m a hoe and show whoever when I’m with my family spending time with them and accuses me when I constantly give him the benefit of the doubt and award him the courtesy he does not give me. And then he calls me awful names and says I don’t want you I don’t care about you and later will apologize for it days after torturing me emotionally leaving me in a puddle of tears and pain typically. I got use to his abuse so much and just took it for years unhealthy and dealing with horrible trauma at the hands of other men before him whom I didn’t know were rapists and unfortunately not long after losing my virginity at 21 I got violently soberly attacked by a hideous horrible monster. Anyway I met my ex/bf shortly thereafter and he acted like a charming romantic amazing man soon to be narcissist manipulator gaslighter. He will berate me and abuse me and then turn the tables flip the script and tell me I’m in the wrong and all this is my fault. I’m disgusting? I know all of this is a pathetic attempt to hurt me not that he hasn’t enough already. Projecting his insecurities and deflecting onto me. More than anything else his one sided cowardice and hypocrisy is too much for anyone to bear and I’m so sickened I love this man. I have never been treated so horribly by a romantic partner for so long who promised to be better and treat me right and well long enough and as much as to have me dangling on a string waiting for him to b better and braving his abuse simply won’t do and no one is worth that. Read red flags and don’t get too attached you become blind oblivious and unaware and miss out on what is actually in front of you and going on. Anyway he said me calling him not being a man for treating me like this and braving this weather of cold bitterness he creates in the environment surrounding our entire half a decade long relationship where his faithfulness is questionable even now is blaring in my ears and shooting across my mind rn. Even I know better but my heart tells me to stay. My mind screams run and gtfo of here tf it won’t end well. He convinced himself that me saying he was being stuff I didn’t mean and said jsut because I was so upset at his constant persistent days of abuse and name calling telling me I’m a whore and slut and things I’m just not having only been with him and only doing things with him and angry his mind always goes to I could get other women and also I know my worth priority value and I have self respect and esteem and I won’t be demeaned belittled and talked down to I told him that. I told him it is basic and bare minimum stuff and he said u don’t have respect and don’t know how to speak to people like he is that delsuional and psychotic anyway turns out he recreates and rewrites history to fit his personal intentions and motives and conceal truth as easier for him to ignore the clear facts in front of his face that he needs therapy which i did indeed mention in a constructive loving way. Honestly concerned. He wrote just leave. He always picks apart women who piece their lives together and try to break them down. It’s easy for him to take no responsibility and never change just more of the same him I run from mentally. It’s called reactive abuse. I didn’t choose it or want it. And don’t tolerate it. I only wanted courtesy respect decency and the same love and care attentiveness and responsibility and accountability I was giving and taking and he never gives but always receives. The fact he always goes to other women when he’s mad literally shows me the kind of man he is and his lack of character and knowing my value and beauty i just think less of him and have no respect for this version of him. Idk if he will ever be truly reformed but I can’t suffer and straggle behind him anymore waiting to find out. I won’t second guess myself and even tho I apologized for the name calling after he did to me for days when I did nothing wrong but spend time with family and he accused me and abused me constantly and never apologized I don’t want to stoop to his level or be someone I’m not. Never let anyone regress repress or revert u to a lesser version of urself. U determine the course of ur destiny and his fate shall b in the hands of karma now.
To all of you in my shoes, you are not alone.
It is lonely and you wonder if anyone is out there listening or can hear you and how to be constructive efficient and productive but blocking out the noise doesn’t always help. I know that. Talking it out is what does actually make a difference.
In my instance I did ignite the flame but it had been 48 hours of sheer abuse and I merely couldn’t take it.
He feels justified now cuz I stooped to his level.
I wish I hadn’t done that but I know even then this behavior would still continue with him.
He decides what’s forgivable and what’s abuse and one sided and it’s all the methods of a insecure pathetic coward dictator tyrant hypocrite and desperate attempt for ego boost pride stubbornness and most of all beyond all else and beyond compare something in his eyes sometimes there is nothing there. This was all a ploy and game to him and a plea from me to stop his behavior and be respectful didn’t work at all or do the trick. It doesn’t effect him how he ruins my life. If u ever wonder if these types of men change the answer is wholeheartedly entirely completely utterly genuinely NO! Never!
I’m sorry to say this.
If u love someone u don’t give up on them but there comes a point u have to take a step back and look at all the bad Vs good and see if it’s outweighed and it shouldn’t be a balance even there should b little bad if any at all and mostly good.
We all have our off days but control and power and authority and possession should never mean more than love kindness care decency and respect.
You are not alone.
I know sometimes we can’t help ourselves in reacting but believe me 5 years and more and I rarely get a genuine heartfelt apology and when I do it rarely lasts. When I say help me and just meet me half way here be mutually respectful reciprocate participate and put in effort he says I’m sorry you’re right other times it’s why ur just like any other woman and a whore. You make me sick. One day soon he will regret it maybe….but narcissists don’t change. It’s not curable. It takes over lives and destroys them. Remember that. You can’t heal someone who thinks there is nothing wrong with them and even when of sound mind and clear thought process logic reason and ability and sound body they can admit it temporarily but it’s not a permanent solution and never lasts and they always find some excuse justification rationalization and reason to hate on you and make you miserable.
Leave before it gets physical.
I have experienced every type of abuse you can imagine.
From rape before I met him to physical abuse bloodied face with him by him and emotional and psychological trauma.
It doesn’t get better even tho it feels like it. This is a trauma bond. It’s something that takes time to heal. And mend and know that although losing a best friend sucks someone else will love you right and more and better even if it’s not that same kind of love. Your family and friends and pets. And don’t seek love it finds you just make sure you know who you let stay and keep in your life. I feel like he’s two people. A villain and plays a hero. Don’t placate or enable it only gets worse because they think they can treat you however they want and don’t search for anyone. Just be content with working on you and that right person will find you when the time comes. I am an optimist i always have been even with all the horrible things I have been through. I’m thoroughly sure and certain even when I say nothing and am not abusing him he will continue doing so to me. It’s been half a decade.
Just know your worth and don’t waste precious time.
Escape when you still can and while there’s a chance. Easier said than done but it’s not worth crying being miserable and wondering what ur life could be without the sadness and for all the good days I’m certain that there are 60 percent bad and 5 unspoken and you try to forget and they conveniently say never happened.
You have a voice and this is your life! Own it and take it back. I am.
I have been with my husband for 15 years we have 4 boys. Ages 15,13,5, and 1. For the last 10 years I've been called every name in the book. Hit so many times i can't remember. My oldest son tried to pull his dad of of me while he was choking me! My 13 grabs my younger babies and hides. My children have been hit too. And put down on a daily basis. We lost are home. I have no help. Everyone worships my husband. They all see the good side. My life is all a front, i see my shrink every month, I'm on diazapam, nexium for my stomach ulcers. Im always crying, or upset lashing out at all the wrong people. I block everything out and do nothing. I don't sleep, i don't eat! My husband says i always run away! I lost 30 lbs in 1 week. I don't know what i do that is so wrong, i do everything im told to do my older boys lash out at me and blame me for my mistakes i really dont know what to do. I would not attempt to kill myself. I have my boys to live for i have no words to explain how i feel any more.
Oh my god I am not alone so many of you in abusive relationships! I have been in one for 6 years tried to get out but its so hard as i made the mistake of moving in with him giving up my home them lost my job through depression caused by his abuse. Then ended up homeless going into b and bs as revuge was full then rented a room what had I come too! Lost everything as a punishment he gave my dogs away and burnt mybelongings! He plagued me found a new woman it crippled me so quick he moved on and I was left with nothing! I went back as couldn't take it anymore was suicidal my
mum was getting iller with altseimers so I couldn't get a job I wasn't listed as priority housing as had no kids. I had no family either to turn too no friends as he got rid of them ages ago. I thought he would change Iam now stuck with 2 cats and two more dogs and more abuse they do not change!!!!! I am 46 and emotionally dead. He has a excellent job and I am just his servant! What a life!!!!
I so agree with you about detachment, the second I realised it was him not me, and could detach from his verbal bull was the second I started to feel better about myself, it is really important to realise that it's not you it's them and that no matter what you do it will always be them, there is nothing you can do to change them or what they are doing, you can only change your own behavior and choosing to detach from the verbal rubbish is a massive step to salvation and a really good place to start rebuilding your self esteem.
I have been wit my boyfriend for three years in the beginning he was loving n time he started calling me names n would lock his phone n accuse me of cheating then I found out he was cheating on me wit my so called homegirls so wen I found out I flipped n I hit him and damaged his car her kicked me out n I started see someone else n he got mad even doe he was sleeping wit other girls he called me all kinds of names now were back together n he brings up the dudes name n say he can do better n down me we recently had a baby n he leaves me n da house with the kids n his daughter that ain't even mine n sometimes he don't come home n wen i ask him about he gets mad n spaze im always the one left crying I don't know wat to do anymore and I love him to death
How do I deal with my x husband who still verbal abuses me an it front of my kids
Hi, I suspect my daughter who is 33 is being brainwashed, she got married 2 years ago and not long after said to me this is who I am now, I do not understand some of the random statements she says. we were very close and also with my 13 year old granddaughter now neither of them will talk at all, I have been so heartbroken, but he baits her with his money, and of course she falls for it, would you have any idea why she would say this is who I am now, would love to hear your answer
Please help- Ive been dating a guy for six years, In the beginning was ok but I caught hm cheating and gave him a second chance because I loved him and that's when the pan kicked in. I cook dinner for him and because it is ready for when walks in the door he will throw the food away saying it is not fresh...if I get lost on the road he will call me just to say that I am fckng stupid, he tells me he can do way better than me, Ive had c-seton so he makes fun of my scars and tells me I am disgusting and nasty...At time I hear his voice n my head telling me I am gross :-( Sometime I use drinking to push the voices out of my head but I cant. We went on a break because my cousin died and he made fun of me, I thought I had enough until he came back apologizing. It was hard for me to date again because I was always waiting for someone to yell at me or I was scared to show myself because he told me for years I was gross....Now we are back together and I can not have sex with him unless I am absolutely drunk, because I think he is staring at my scars so I hide to get dressed and am never fully nude around him. I am so sad and I just googled what I have going on and threw your site I found out that abuse is not just hitting.
No, abuse can be sexually, financially, emotionally, physically, mentally and verbally. He's not a man but a big baby who never grew up and never will. Get out. I am in the process of getting out. Police departments have domestic abuse workers, the YWCA will help. Just get up, run if you have to. Pack a bag with important papers, set of clothes and essentials. Hide it. Grab it on your way out to a new life. I hope you don't wait until your over 50 to decide you deserve better. Don't waste another minute. Please.
Thank you for this. I found myself to be that girl. How I ended up with an abusive boyfriend at this stage in my life floors me. Everything came to a head this weekend when he accused me of cheating (a common thing - I was always a whore, a bitch or something) because he believes he got an STD, no medical evaluation - just his own diagnosis. Did I mention I had just been to the doctor and all is well. So I was threatened physical abuse and of course the usual verbal assault that occurs when his anger flares or he drinks (Did I mention he was an alcoholic as well.) I know my truth and I know that I did not at any point cheat on him though I can not say the same for him as I had a phone call one morning from his girlfriend. But Sunday morning as I was living this nightmare again, I was doubting myself. Wondering who I had been with. Finally I stopped myself and SAID "STOP!! I did not do anything." I figured at this point I was experiencing a form of trauma related stress. Finding this blog has been very insightful and eye opening.
We would argue about his treatment of me often, he would blame it on alcohol (when he was in DUI related classes it was better because he was not drinking). The night of the last class we were suppose to go out, he decided to go to the bar instead and of course I was a kill joy. I told him I was done with him then, to not contact me. Hours later it is "Are you still mad at me?" The relationship was never about me or my needs. It was always about him.
So now, I am confused and depressed. Going through the loss of my own emotions and the realization of what I PUT up with. People ask me how I am and I just cry. This is not my typical behavior.
Anyway, I just want to say thank you. Talking about it really does help. I have been keeping everything bottled up, because I was covering for him. I needed to remember "Not my circus, Not my monkeys."
Hi, why don't you also write about when a the wife verbally and mentally abuse the husband, that happened to me, to the extreme that I was becoming violent, and I left her with my two year old daughter. After four years, of no interacting with her or my child she showed up at my work asking me to start over. After a few day of thing to work things out I found out from my daughter she found herself a boyfriend. After I confront her all the abuse came back, now I don't know what to do because I don't want to loose my child, but I can't deal with my wife because she is abusive, just wife because we have not divorced, I filed for divorced but she told the judge she wants to work things out, judge sent us to counseling she never went.
My point, man also get the same abused, I wished she would had hit me, because those scar go away my emotional scars are affecting still even after four years, I have lost myself confidence, self steema and worthiness.
I've been separated from my husband for almost 3 years.we split joint custody of my girls. Every time he gets mad at me he text me calling me a whore, slut,cunt,bitch. He says I make him want to vomit. I disgust him. He has sent several messages telling me multiple ways I should kill myself. Then one day hettold me if he could kill me and get away with it he would. Everything was my fault. I did no right and to this day even tho we are separated I'm still a piece of shit. He keeps my girls away from me. Hearing crap once in a while I could forget it. But almost daily and I've done nothing. He has been with multiple women since the day I left. I've only been with one and still with him. What can I do to get the harassment to stop? He is taking me to my breaking place and I am struggling to cope..
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. and everything started off perfect.
But since March this year things have changed. He is drinking ALOT!!! When he gets to drinking he talks so mean, and treats me so rudely. Then he will get on this kick of I am cheating on him. Which I am not. I work full time, I go to school at night, I have 2 sons that my oldest plays travel baseball so I am constantly busy.
I have recently started to lose myself. When he starts saying F U when he is drunk, once he has got into my face and spit in my face. I mean literally spit not accidentally while he was yelling. Well I have started fighting back, and I know that is not the right thing to do. But Its like I have to defend myself. I have to constantly prove myself and I can't just leave. We just moved in together, he bought me a car.
I do love him so much, but I just don't understand why someone feels like they need to talk down and constantly have an attitude with someone they supposedly love. He tells me that he knows I'm cheating on him and for me to go be with him, but I would not ever cheat. I am not that type of person.
I just feel lost.
Hi I'm hearing imparied n my husband is proudly deaf,we're Separated cos he verbal abuse me of copy my mother the way she does for years.his mother do the same cos she doesn't wanted us to be togethers.we have a child togethers.his mother mentally n control him kept him at his patents.he's 47..I just getting on with thints.they really have upset me make me cry .thought it was funny.
I need help! I don't know where to turn! I NEED advice! I've been emotionally abused for 4 years now! Ya know the typical, yelling, screaming, blaming me, always trying my best to make him happy yet nothing is ever food enough, been called names, very intimidating, even acts COMPLETELY different when he's not home. Catch is he suffers from depression. Well finally I've had enough! I have 4 children I'm forcing to stay in a horrible situation! Past week he claims he will respect my wishes and will move out. He didn't but he did go to a phycologists and told her he wanted to kill himself. Now my husband is in the hospital! What the heck do I do?! He's been on and off depression for years! Its supposed to be for better or worse, sickness and health. But I'm still being abused! :( I just don't know what to do anymore
I heard all of this and so much more. The sad thing is I shouldn't caught the disfunction in the beginning before I got too emotionally attached. At first he was super doting until two weeks in when he started accusing me of cheating, and 1 month in when despite agreeing to be exclusive he refused to respect me by not talking to other women, and again 3 months in when he left me in the middle of an unknown town with a broken leg due to being detained for public drunkenness only to get out and blame me for the whole incident. That's not even the tip of the iceberg. I recently stupidly moved in with him and despite his promises to cut down on drinking he gets drunk every night and insists on calling me every name in the book, showing me nude pictures of "girls he's **uked", telling me i'm too stupid to make it into medical school, etc. I have absolutely no idea why i put up with it all and yet i can't seem to leave :(
I was searching for a way to get across to my husband how hurtful he can be. When he gets upset there is no talking to him. He just gets more verbally abusive. My day revolves around cooking for him, paying the bills, calling the repairman, let's just say I handle all aspects of our lives. Many times I do it because I hate how my husband comes across to people. And he not only is abusive to me but to others if things don't go the way he thinks they should go. He tells me I look like death, I am fat, I am a bitch, I need a backbone because I let people walk all over me, it goes on. Today I told him that like everyone else, he walks all over me and that did not go over very well. I try hard not to lower myself to his level but after times of not saying anything, I just blurt out things to attack him like he verbally attacks me. If I don't say something after awhile, I begin to cry from hurt and frustration. Then I get more meaness thrown in my direction. I try to rationalize that my husband is always depressed and has bad self esteem so he wants me to feel as bad as he does. He is sure everyone is out to cheat him and everyone uses you. I try to see the good in people and find most times I haven't been wrong. I just get bad headaches when my husband starts his ranting and raving and I hate his continued bad behavior. Many times he works himself into a frenzy when there is no reason but if he gets what he thinks is a look from someone or speaks to someone and he isn't acknowledge then he is on a rampage for hours. His comment to me many times is that at least he doesn't physically hit me.
Hi Jellz. I am a good bit older and had a child with a man that verbally abused me and it just gets worse. My advice to you is to contact your local Women's Aid centre. The number you will find in the yellow pages or the internet. They have a 24 hour helpline. Noone deserves to be spoken to that way and he is wrong for doing that. You have a right to be respected and loved and if he is making you feel bad about yourself he is showing you no respect as a woman and the mother of your daughter. These type of men do not change and it is so important to keep yourself and your daughter safe. Verbal and and sort of emotional abuse can move onto physical abuse. You need to tell someone that you trust what is happening. Can you speak to your mum or a family member? Jellz women's aid are really fantastic and can explain and support you if talking to someone else is not an option. A man that truely loves you will never disrespect you or make you feel bad about yourself. You are doing nothing wrong. Men like this make you feel That it Is your fault they are treating you this way. Phone women's aid they will help you. Be safe. Your emotional wellbeing is just as important as your physical wellbeing. Take care and speak to someone.
I'm 20 my boyfriend is 23 we just had a beautiful baby girl but he also has his ex pregnant. Ever since I had my daughter he verbally abuses me. Daily he finds ways to make me feel bad about myself. When I cry he calls me a cry baby and says he hates crybabies. He also is constantly talking to the other mother of his child. I'm not even sure if hes still sexually active with her. Someone please help me.
Pathetic! Fucking pathetic. You women are the most emotionally abusive of the genders! You play your head games until men are at their bursting point, and then play innocent when they've finally exploded.
RW, I am so sorry your experience with women has been so horrid. Like many victims of abuse, it seems like you might have endured a string of abusive relationships. I'm sorry if I'm wrong about that, but the fact that you reference "you women" causes me to think you believe all women are like the one(s) you've known.
There is evidence that both genders emotionally abuse one another in equal proportions. 50/50. I wish you could talk about your abuse without blaming "all women" for some women's behavior. I understand you are angry. It is not right to lash out like this at people you do not know.
I hope you feel more peaceful soon.
all I can say get out asap. don't turn back. it's going to hurt. you're going to go through heaps of obstacles, but look at the difference...the devil pit of hell or god, peace an freedom. be real be honest with yourself. they don't change. all tactics are just a game. it's not love. it's a big FAT NOTHING. jump the fence, rid the fear, you can do it. I never thought i,d ever get out of my pit. I thought there was no way out. 12 years abused - all forms of abuse. there is light - go deep within u, find it, grab it and fly. I tell you when I told my story to the detectives I was drained tired, but when I went outside the grass was greener, the colors, flowers, the air - I could breathe. i'm on my way to recovery an will endure. believe. trust in god. yes he saved me he to has opened many doors to truths. people are listening, taking some accountability in their part too. we are strong. we will survive. god loves us all. there is hope. god bless you all, kiakaha ...
I am 17 and met my partner about 2 months ago. He was really nice at first and we rushed things so I lived with him alot and got a job where he worked. I found out just before he met me he had a lot of sexual partners. I later found out I was pregnant and things started going horribly wrong. It started he would get angry if I went out without telling him and when I got back he would accuse me of cheating and get angry when I apoligized and one particular night he strangled me. He didnt want me to abort the baby but now he says things like abort the baby because when its born I wont have anything to do with it. And says how doI know its even mine and I will take you to court and get full custody of this kid. Then very recently he introduced me to one of his friends whos a girl and she was really nice. Then one day last week we were out with her and I ordered the wrong takeout food and he called me a cunt and a prick and told me to stop embarrassing him in front of his friends and that things were much easier when he was single. His friend told him not to talk to me like that but then I caught them talking badly of me when he thought I was sleeping. He now sees this girl everyday and shes always sleeping over his on the floor and when I tell him I dont like it he tells me 'im sorry I had a life before I met you'. He gets angry overnothing and checks my phone and once through my phone at a wall. HHe also says in anger 'im gunna hit you in a minute'. He doesnt like my close relationship with my family and stops me seeing them. He messages people on my phone pretending to be me while i sleep making them not like me. I get alot of bruises which he claims are from play fights but they hurt. And when i cry he says crying is for weak people and he doesnt have any sympathy for me.Everyone is telling me to get out while I can but he can be so nice. I am scared and extremely stressed I dont no what to do about my unborn baby and wanted to know is there anything I can do to stop the anger lash outs. His reaction is very apoligetic most of the time and other times he maipulates the situation so it is my fault. I just need very detailed genuine advice quickly.
He is a dangerous man. My advice is to leave him now before the baby is born. The chance that he can 'take the baby' now is much less likely than it will be later. Call his bluff. You can deal with possible custody issues later. Leave him now.
Victims of domestic violence whose abuse cooked them are 7 times more likely to die at the hands of their abuser than those who have not been choked.
Leave.
Instead of hating on these people, sometimes they are entirely unaware of their behaviour. I sometimes don't realise I am being dominating and if nobody tells me then it isn't until one day I look back and understand my wrong behaviour. I have been taking steps at a time to improve myself but I'm not perfect, nobody is, but at least I try. If somebody had told me I was being dominating and aggressive I would have been mortified. The way I speak to people is how I am used to communicating and I am not physically aggressive though. I just have a high opinion of myself and people don't tend to like that too much. It's redundant though, I would still have appreciated someone sitting down with me and explaining that my behaviour is frightening/demeaning or any other negative after affect and then maybe we can work on moving forwards. Fair play if you get physically assaulted just walk away, it's wrong. If you are just feeling stepped on and down try speaking. People are too quick to condemn each other these days, certain things I understand are different, but I also notice a lot of things which could be altered by communicating.
JM, you are the type of person I talk about when I say "some abusers do change". Your mortification at behaving poorly is quite enough to send you on a mission to be a better person.
Not so with most perpetrators of abuse and violence. If it were true of the repeat offenders, then we wouldn't have repeat offenders.
Also, communication with abusers only goes so far. They will pretend to work with their victim long enough to get the victim calmed down and willing to give them another chance. After believing you love someone for a while, it is not so easy to walk away because the victim's emotions work against them.
Keep your high opinion of yourself! In a world of people-gone-condemnation-crazy, you may be the only one who has it.
@Rjp , I read your comment and I was shocked , because at first I thought for sure this woman is being so neglected and mistreated. But to find out you're a man suffering this really did surprise me. It's not acceptable what is happening to you and it is quite normal to want to lash out to this kind of ill treatment, I know I've done it when I was in an abusive marriage..I have learned from experience that our children pick-up on everything we say, even if we have all rights in our own mind to defend ourselves , they see it as a frightening experience ,and it causes them to act out in the same manner..I had to pray a lot and seek God for help with my mouth , because it wasn't making things better. I sought him about all this and he helped me to stop, because it wasn't making things better anyway.. And I suffered a lot of verbal abuse and physical, even the children went through the same thing..After years of praying I finally found peace with taking the kids and leaving...I have seen a huge change in all of my children, they are slowly being healed from all the garbage they had been subjected to. Now your situation is sounds somewhat different, because you two don't have the physical abuse present, so I hope you can try to talk to your wife and let her know how serious this behavior is affected you and the children ..and above all things pray for the Lord's guidance , believe me , he will answer you !! GOD BLESS YOU
Here is how my day went: I got up at 7 to take care of 5 kids who stayed the night. I fed them breakfast. I fed them lunch. During that time I cleaned house because my spouse stayed in bed till 11 and needed the house clean for friends who were coming over that afternoon. My partner got out of bed got ready and went to the store to to buy food for the party. During the party I took care of the kids. (They are 12 and 8 so that is a pleasure.) after the party it was off to town with more friends. Then finally later I was bad because that night I played a game with kids when "I came home to be with you". That evening I cleaned up after party. Spouse kicked me out of bed and mocked me in front of kids. Oh. And I was also griped out cause the yard was not mowed and edged. Here's my question. I am the husband. My wife stays at home. She has a housecleaner. How can I not be verbally abusive? I'm serious. This is not a joke. So many things on the verbally abusive list above I want so say and I do say many catty remarks. I really want to know what to do.
I've been married for 15 years we have 2 kids together. 90% of the time everything is great, but the other 10 is a war. Sometimes I think we're playing, then he goes completely nuts, throws whatever is beside him at me. We made the decision for me to quit work and be a stay at home mom, but when we argue he says it's my money, your lazy, you wouldn't have anything if it wasn't for me and you live in my house. Then later he says I'm sorry, I didn't mean any of that, everything is yours too. The bad thing is I never know what's gonna set him off, today it was me not handing him a cheese cracker fast enough, he threw a glass of milk at me, I was soaked and he stood over me calling me names and waving his hands around like he was gonna hit me. He thinks it's funny when I flinch as he moves his hands around, but when we're getting along he says it's embarrassing get that I flinch if he goes to touch me. I'm at a loss, I need help, I'm losing my mind and my kids are noticing that I'm unhappy. I don't know what to do. I'm scared to stay, I'm scared to go, I need help please.
my boyfriend hacked my facebook and email... he keeps track of every website i click and feel suspicious of every single person i speak to.
he cannot accept my past relationships and calls me a bitch time to time.
I never went to clubs and dance with strange men. but he said i did.
I never had random sex. He believes I did.
He even accuse me for having sex with him which he thinks a good girl shouldn't have done.
He has bunch of imaginary complaints, things that never happened.
If i have friends, he thinks im doing orgy.
I am a simple girl. I study a lot and work. His strange behaviour is causing me lose concentration at work and i feel low and depressed. I feel terribly insulted.
Ladie. .... Get up right NOW! Look in the mirror close to the mirror into YOUR own eyes. Now say, im beautiful and don't need this BS. Now. .... put on the cutest outfit you have and makeup with jewelry and start packing. Get your cell phone in your bacl pocket and YOUR KID'S, and GET OUTA THERE.