Problems do not disappear when you leave your abusive relationship. I left 1 year, 8 months ago and my children and I deal with the after-effects of abuse even today. Before I get into them, I want you to know that I am so proud of myself for leaving that toxic relationship. I am grateful that I now tackle the "after-effects" rather than the day to day abuse. I am grateful for the opportunity I now have to rewind and repair myself, and I see signs that my teenage boys will also take it upon themselves to rewind and repair with me. I would not return to the abuse for ANY reason, and I completely adore the opportunities my new life gives me.

The law doesn't help abuse sufferers much unless you have photos of bruises or other injuries and were brave enough to go to the hospital to have them treated and filed a police report and immediately left your abuser - the first time. That may be simplistic, but it appears to be true in the news stories. So, because most abuses occur before anyone gets hit, sufferers of abuse and relationship-related trauma must learn to find justice for their battered psyche on their own.

Abusers who have not yet turned to physical violence could be "time bombs" with fuses of unknown length. If your abuser feels that his "normal" verbally abusive techniques are not working, he will probably move into physical abuse to maintain his control. Abuse escalates over time. Time spent in abusive situations and relationships cause you to feel beaten down and devastated - but it is never too late to get help.

In 2008, I began counseling again. The doctor wrote the referral for depression. But when I got to my therapist's office, I told her I was there because I was emotionally and verbally abused with an occasional go-round with physical violence. I told her I was depressed for sure, but what I needed to know was how to deal with the abuse. She asked me if I'd considered leaving my marriage; I didn't want to do that.

I remember crawling into my soft bed, fan blowing softly but enough that I tucked my hair behind my ear to keep it from tickling my nose. The covers were heavy, cool with a hint of Downy April Fresh; my pillow cradled my head in a mother's embrace. I fell asleep happy with the day, quietly looking forward to his return late in the night. The house was spotless and smelled fresh. The children were quiet in their own beds for a change. Not one sound in the whole house that shouldn't be there. I drifted to sleep so slowly I consciously noticed the change in my breath as I fell deeper and deeper into dreams. I let myself go. BANG! I moved so fast my brain didn't know I was sitting. BANG! "What?! What is it?" I said, my heart pounding in the darkness. A shadow crossed in front of the window headed toward the other dresser. It was him. I read his body language in the split second it took for him to pass through the moonlight. He was pissed. BANG! BANG! BANG! Three more drawers opened and slammed. "Where are my f@c&i*g socks, KELLIE?" he yelled.

No one can take away your education. I tell that to the cadets where I work all of the time because it is true: I know from my own hard-won education, an ICBS (I Call Bulls*&!) degree, earned via 18 years of mental, emotional and verbal abuse, featuring a well-designed syllabus acted out by my controlling, manipulating, abusive ex. That man was an excellent teacher, but I didn't truly appreciate his lessons until the last years of his course (a.k.a., our marriage). It was a long course. Four times, out of sheer frustration I'm sure, he attempted to physically knock the stupid out of me, but it took that final laying on of hands to make me see the light. I graduated from that abusive experience with the ability to sense abusive bulls*&! from a mile away. Thank you, Ex-Husband, for the education.

I am suffering through a bout of codependency. I came to recognize codependency during my abusive marriage but largely forgot about it during the past months because my abuser isn't around to abuse me (as much) since our separation. However, I am discovering that my new abuser is me. I don't have a completely healthy relationship with myself yet - but I will change that. Geesh. Just when I thought I was done with "the hard stuff" codependency returns to bite me in the ankle.

If I've learned one thing over the past two years, it is that our society is ill-equipped to deal with emotional and verbal abuse, and more than 75% of the time, we do not recognize it when it happens to us. And if we do know it is happening, we're reluctant to label it as abuse. Instead, we seek to "understand" and "forgive" or "toughen up and deal with it" believing our minds and hearts should be able to "overcome" somebody's hurtful words and manipulations. We think we should be "better men" and "rise above" the verbal violence via passivity and silence (and maybe an apologetic smile if the abuser lashes out around friends, family, or the strangers in the canned goods aisle at the grocery store).

Certain fantasies bonded me to my verbally abusive husband like super glue.  My heart and mind alternated between "hoping" and "knowing" the dreams were true. I repeated them to myself and other people like mantras, almost as if saying it made it so. The fantasies were created early on and their existence prohibited me from hearing the truth. Here are the top five lies that bound me in "love".

Lawyers use Battered Woman Syndrome (BWS) to explain a battered woman's behavior to a jury who does not understand why she "didn't just leave". After all, we all have the freedom to choose our own adventure in life, don't we? Why does an abused woman stay with a violent partner? BWS is a subtype of Post-traumatic Stress Syndrome. This means, in part, that if you are abused, you may or may not show or feel all of the signs of PTSD, but you probably show other mentalities and behaviors in addition to many symptoms of PTSD. Most of the studies I've been reading compile data from women who are physically abused, but they also list verbal abuse as a precursor to physical violence - it's almost impossible to imagine that physical violence does NOT follow verbal abuse.