I've used abusive anger to attempt to get what I wanted from my abuser. But then I realized the abusive anger didn't end with him, but extended to my innocent children. Years ago, I promised my children that I would not yell and storm at them when it was time to do their chores. After a bit of trial and error, I successfully reigned in Mommy Mean. I felt relief when I no longer saw my boys' tear-stained faces staring at me in fear. I felt like I was a better person after taming my temper.

The purpose of gaslighting is to destroy your sanity, and thereby gain control over your ability to perceive the truth. Your abuser does not want you to believe your perceptions. They want you to believe their version of reality. Gaslighting is the art of making someone else believe ridiculous lies; gaslighting is designed to destroy your sanity. And it works.

  Have you watched the movie Gas Light with Ingrid Bergman? In the movie, a woman's lover slowly but surely causes her think she is insane. The movie title lends itself to a type of emotional abuse called gaslighting. Gaslighting occurs when someone persuades you to "believe the unbelievable" despite your instinct's whispers of "Something is not right here..."

Last week, my son Marc asked me to buy him some clothes for winter. I do not have the money to do that and I asked my ex for money for school clothes. I didn't want to ask him, but Marc needed clothes and I don't have the money required, so I asked. 45 minutes after I sent the text, my ex replied, "No." I expected that answer, so I began texting back, "Okey dokey." But right before I hit the send button, my friend asked me, "Kellie, is that what you really think?"

Some of you find it difficult to celebrate yourselves for the wonderful person you are. Perhaps you can't remember one single good thing about you that hasn't been made fun of, undermined, or turned into a weapon by your abuser.  It is difficult to keep a positive self-image let alone cultivate a positive attitude when someone else attempts to squash you like a crunchy cream-centered bug every time you get "too happy". In time, you may begin to feel like the fight for your Self is futile. A bit down the road, you may wonder why you fought at all. You think that you are not worth the fight - it's easier to become what your abuser wants you to be than to be who you want to be or become.

Brenda M. Bomgardner (@BrendaBomgardnr) tweeted "There is a way to the other side. It is living a life based on your own unique values." She is talking about the life you'll create during and after healing from abuses of all kinds. The trouble lies in defining what values you, the abuse sufferer, want to define as yours after digging yourself out from under the pseudo-values your abuser demanded you to incorporate into your Self.

Once victims realize they're being abused, many of us immediately think, "I've gotta get out of here!" And the pressure's on the victim to DO something about the situation. Right now. We know abuse victims often return to their abuser many times before leaving (if they do leave). We know our family, friends, and society tells us to "Get Out Now!" We know we want to leave. We know we fear the abuser on many levels as much as we fear being without them. We know that leaving is an option . . . but at what cost? Leaving an abuser is not always an immediately viable option, but everyone outside of ourselves (and our abuser) seems to think you must leave NOW.  When you realize your partner abuses you, the only answer supported by others is you packing your bags and walking away into the "good for me" sunrise. And we victims buy into that idea, and that's when a new kind of self-punishment begins.

What is the process by which someone becomes an abuse victim? What part do abuse victims play in the abusive cycle? Those questions leave me wanting an easy answer so I can wrap up my abusive experience in a neat little package and set it away in an attic where it would slowly disintegrate in the musty air. Unfortunately, the easy answers elude me. Easy or not, here is a part of my theory about how people become abuse victims in the first place:

Problems do not disappear when you leave your abusive relationship. I left 1 year, 8 months ago and my children and I deal with the after-effects of abuse even today. Before I get into them, I want you to know that I am so proud of myself for leaving that toxic relationship. I am grateful that I now tackle the "after-effects" rather than the day to day abuse. I am grateful for the opportunity I now have to rewind and repair myself, and I see signs that my teenage boys will also take it upon themselves to rewind and repair with me. I would not return to the abuse for ANY reason, and I completely adore the opportunities my new life gives me.

When I heard my ex-husband tell me what I was thinking, doing or feeling, he was usually wrong. He painted a picture of me that was so far from my reality that I felt it was imperative to correct him; I was not the person he described.  The argument that followed invariably left me in tears, hurt and feeling unheard, misunderstood, and hopeless of finding intimacy with the man I loved. I wondered why he married me when he thought I was such a selfish, conniving, miserable woman. I was the same woman at 35 as I had been at 20. His constant nit-picking at my faults (and my willingness to examine myself to see if he was right) practically halted my personal development. I spent so much time double-checking who I was that I didn't have time to consider who I would like to be.