Grieving a Child with Mental Illness

I hope all who are grieving a child with mental illness have found NAMI. As a mom whose son had serious mental illness (SMI / psychosis), I cannot say enough about how much going to their family to family classes helped me to understand and cope better. There is no better therapy than to be with others, who are experiencing something similar. My son overdosed and died in January 2023. It is a triple tragedy, first, the cruel disease, then, not being able to get him the help he needed, and finally his death. I think about him every day, still, over a year later - missing his beautiful, kind, funny healthy self. I went to a grief group for parents, but unless you have a child with serious mental illness and psychosis you need, it’s all but impossible to understand. So I am starting a grief group For aggrieved parents of a child with SMI on May 1, 2024. If interested, find info at National Shattering Silence Coalition.

This isn’t what I expected when I read grief. I lost my 16 ye old son to bipolar 2 four months. Ago. He ran my car into a bulldozer so hard it flipped overtop and landed upside down on other side. I found him. Life with him was stressful but I’d give anything to have it back! THIS pain is nothing I imagined before.

My son is diagnosed with paranoid scitzophrenia and he is now in supported living but reading the posts regarding parents who’s kids are on the streets I really feel for you as that was my son. The feeling of helplessness is overwhelming.
My son has been sectioned 3 times and even though he is on meds he still struggles so much and I’m so scared that one day he will just decide that he can’t do it anymore. It’s an awful situation and my heart goes out to all parents who are going through watching their children in pain.

Hello, my story is not quite the same as others as I wasn’t aware of mental illness in my son until his 30’s he covered it up with what we thought was just defiance and alcoholism and drug addiction. How could I have been so blind. He is now in his 40’s and everything has come crashing down on him with psychotic breaks, fear, delusions, hallucinations and now homelessness. The once very happy, active, smart funny kid with a lot of friends is now destitute with not a friend in the world. On the streets trying to save the world from what he believes is in grave danger from beings we could not fathom. I am in a great deal of pain mentally daily thinking about what could happen to him but I sit and wonder if I’m in that much pain how much more beyond that is he feeling. He was on medications for about 10 years which he now refuses to take. There is no one around me that understands what I’m feeling and I could not have understood another’s pain in this situation if it hadn’t happened with my own son. God bless all of our mentally ill, they are very special people.

Dear Christina -
I am at the Las Vegas Airport . Just left my 24 Year old mentally ill son there all alone on the streets to live like a beggar .
He ran away from home 22 days ago , saying that he could not live with the family in Dallas for if he did , we would all starve to death . He said he needed to live on the streets for the sake of the three of us (my wife , his younger brother and me ) .. he had a history of weed abuse and schizophrenia. He stopped taking his meds and in that state , suffered from this delusion.
For 22 days in Las Vegas , I would see him walking up and down the strip aimlessly , like a madman . I tried to reason with him , but all he said was - ‘Leave Las Vegas , Go Home … Go Home.’ . He slept on the pavements behind garbage dumps, in rat infested parking garages while I let begging him to come to the hotel where I was staying . I called the cops two times to talk to him and get him evaluated by Crisis Response Team which deals with mental health scenarios.
The cops would talk to him and he would speak normally to them . The cops would let him walk free saying he was an adult and had his rights . So we could not get him to the hospital .
After 22 days of trying , I am leaving Vegas and praying God will keep him safe . As somebody said above .. going forward , Grieving will be a daily process .. but life will have to go on for the sake of the younger one . Tears will flow every so often and life for us will never be the same .
But thanks to all those who posted above .
Rajiv

Thank you for sharing, I feel so alone right now and living one day at a time. If I think about the future too much I just cry. I check daily to make sure my son is alive and don’t want to leave him alone. It is so hard.

I grieve for my son who battled bravely for several years with schizoaffective disorder. He took his own life 3 months ago tomorrow. I as a mother felt so helpless that I wasn't able to help my son. All my love and support wasn't enough to help him with his brave fight. I miss you so much Ryan, You are such a loss to me. My heart is broken. I am so sad and sorry that I wasn't able to help you and protect you. Please forgive me. I love you Ryan.

I grieve daily as my sons schizoaffective disorder has continued to take a fierce grip on him and his life.
I pray and send him love and strength. These people fighting severe mental illness are my heroes. That definition has changed for me witnessing my sons struggle. And I will hurt forever for him and his horrific fight.

i have been on this trail of tears also. It is hard but we have learned to trust my son - high school age, when he says he is not going to do such and such. It may be the prom, it may be the end of the year soccer or ultimate banquet, it may be a party, all school rafting trip...the list goes on. All things that should be fun and the " normal kids" enjoy. Once he decides he is not going, that is it, end of dicussion. My response will be to him that it is no big deal. Like you though I will go and have a cry over all the things that he misses due to managing his bipolar. Last month he dropped the bomb that he was done with school. ( It wasn't really a big surprise, he had not done any
homework for months. The school has done everything in their ability to help him. )
That was a good two weeks of crying for me. I went through all the phases of grief. My husband was not as effected, he knew school was a stressor. Why go, if it makes him
feel worse? His Dr said there is nothing wrong with taking an alternative route. So
now that we are on the scenic route in life he is actually doing really well. I even admit
it was the right thing to do. He knows what he needs to do, we just have to keep
trusting him. In fact some really great opportunities lay ahead, but I always proceed
towards these with caution until they are passed and are actual feathers in the cap.
I really enjoy this blog, your experience has been very similar to mine.

Christina: Just happened on your post today. Since it was written, you've no doubt spoken with parents of basketball-loving kids representing a range talents and temperaments, so I may be repeating what you've already learned, but... On a completely practical level, I have a grown daughter who played bb through grade school and leaped enthusiastically into the sport in middle school. Prior to seventh grade, she had always loved bb's camaraderie and competition, but the court atmosphere changed drastically from sixth to seventh grade. Middle schoolers are heading for college and, suddenly, to all involved -- coaches, kids, parents, and scouts, everything in bb counts toward scholarships and stats. What had been fun for my daughter had turned highly competitive and, at times, down right cut throat. Your son may well have been responding to that shift, deciding his enjoyment of the sport wasn't worth the pains a high-competition game would require. Kids with bb talent, such as my daughter, sometimes opt out of high-stakes programs at that juncture, not because they're giving up or running away, but because they have an intuitive understanding of their own emotional economics. So, your son's compass is likely working wonderfully. Rather than lamenting the loss of basketball tournaments, encourage your son to trial debate, forensics, track and field... Connectedness, interaction, and success is the bottom line, in whatever healthy field kids discover it. My daughter went to state with shot put and on to college with a full-ride academic scholarship. My 26-year-old son has rapid cycling bipolar. "Loss is nothing else but change, and change is Nature's delight." (Marcus Aurelius)