How to Get Revenge on Your Abuser by Making Him Feel Like You Do

February 10, 2011 Kellie Jo Holly

There are many ways to make your abuser feel like you do. You can torture the abuser to the point where others wonder, "Who is abused and who is the abuser?"

There are several ways to make your abuser feel like you do and get some sweet revenge. It is possible for your abuser to feel unloved, controlled and disrespected. It's relatively easy to get some revenge on your abuser by irritating your abusive relationship. Try these tips and see if you can’t elicit the hostility your abuser holds under the surface of his otherwise calm demeanor. You too can get revenge on your abuser by making him feel like you do.

Make Your Abuser Feel Like You Do . . . Kind of

1. Show Varying Degrees of Affection in Public

controlhimWhen you go out and about, be sure to be “too affectionate” or “not affectionate enough.” He wants you to advertise the fact that you’re his. Unless he doesn’t. But he won’t tell you what he wants, he expects you to know. Expect pouting or anger, depending on who saw you and what he wants that other person to think of him. This one is rather hit or miss, but boy does it make him feel unloved.

The Truth About Jealousy in Abusive Relationships:

2. Disagree with Him in Front of Others

This tip makes your abuser feel stupid or diminished. All you have to do is disagree with him in front of others. Others include your children, your friends, his family, coworkers, or the dog. Expect incredulity and an attempt to embarrass you to make you agree with him. Or you could expect the silent treatment, which is nice, but only lasts until the angry explosion. Of course, he could skip the silent treatment and anger-bomb you right then and there.

As a side note, you can expect anyone else present to silently walk away from the uncomfortable conversation you caused, opening the door for further abuse or an angry look that tells you “this isn’t over yet” as he follows the others out of the room without you. But oh my goodness, won't he feel stupid and small because your opinion differs from his?

The Truth About Abusive Anger and the Silent Treatment in Abusive Relationships:

3. Don't Fix His Lunch

Humiliation almost always causes your abuser to feel rotten. There are many ways you can humiliate him, but my favorite is not fixing his lunch. Here's how it goes: When he is outside with the guys (aka “working”), make sure you are inside the house “doing nothing” around lunchtime. Alternatively, ensure running errands take the most of the day forcing you to grab some lunch without him.

It's okay to make some stupid assumptions, too. Go ahead and assume that the grown men who spend most weekends in your garage will ask for food if they’re hungry. Also assume that your abuser would come inside to make some lunch if he wants it. After all, he too is a grown man and knows when he's hungry.

The part that really gets him is that he "can't" say anything to you all day about your lazy, rude and just-plain-wrong ass. He has to wait until everyone leaves and the beer settles in his bloodstream. You can expect to “talk” to him about what happened that day – why you were so lazy, rude, and wrong - until he either passes out mid-sentence or, yep, you guessed it, loses his temper because you make him so mad.

This tip gets to him because he as a certain set of expectations for you to follow. He wants you to show people how much you love him and what a good wife you are. When you're a bad wife and embarrass him in front of his friends, you will humiliate him. And hasn't he repeatedly humiliated you? Isn't this about making him feel like you do?

The Truth about Expectations in Abusive Relationships:

4. Make a Frivolous Appointment

Make any old stupid appointment such as a working lunch with the non-profit you support, your doctor, or your sister. Make sure you tell your abuser you won't be home at your usual time. This really gets him going. It makes him feel ignored and unimportant.

Expect to be ridiculed for your idealism, hypochondriac-ism, or the control your sister exerts over you. Make sure you have at least an hour between the time you tell him where you're going and when you must hop in the shower to leave. Telling you what a jerk you are takes a lot of time. You can expect him to continue the conversation through the shower curtain as you wash your hair.

Expect your eye make-up to look strange on your puffy eyes, and if you DO get out of the house and make it to your appointment, expect to be unable to concentrate on the other people involved because your mind fragmented in a mine-field before meeting them. But hey. At least he feels unloved too, right?

The Truth About Controlling Behavior in Abusive Relationships:

5. Create a Romantic Evening for Just the Two of You

You can usually make your abuser lose confidence in you pretty easily. And, as you know, if you can't trust your partner then your partner is a screw-up and deserves your anger. (Right?)

So anyway, make arrangements with the mother of your child’s friend to pick your children up from school Wednesday afternoon. At home, fix a lovely dinner for the two of you. Spruce up the table with the nicest dishes, candles, and cloth napkins. Spend time in the bath; get soft and fragrant for later. Dress in the pretty clothes you rarely wear to show your appreciation for him.

In this way, you'll emphasize just how silly you are to prepare anything special on a school night and just how little he can trust you with his children. You'll know you've succeeded when he arrives home and says,

  • “Why did you let him go over there on a school night?!” and
  • “I don’t like [that mother] – you’re always trusting the wrong people with our children!” and
  • grabs his plate to eat in front of the television, leaving you to stand crying in the kitchen until its time to pick up your child.

There are many ways to make your abuser feel like you do. You can torture the abuser to the point where others wonder, "Who is abused and who is the abuser?" When you return home with your child, expect your abuser to hug and kiss on the boy and feed him dinner although your son already ate. Watch as your husband washes affection over his son, apologizing repeatedly for your behavior. (Notice your child’s confusion and discomfort at receiving the forced attention he so rarely receives.)

Yes sir-ee, shake the foundations of trust in your relationship and your abuser will feel confused and angry all at once. He may even forget that just last night he said you were the most unappreciative bitch he's ever known. Unfortunately, the one thing you can't make your abuser feel is hypocritical. It doesn't matter what he says or does, he will not be affected by telling you to do one thing today and getting mad about you doing it tomorrow.

The Truth About Trust in Abusive Relationships:

Never Fear, There Are Many Other Ways to Make Your Abuser Feel Like You Do

This list is not exhaustive. There are many other things you can do to purposely drive your abuser crazy and show that you don’t really care about him or your relationship. Over time, your efforts to make his life hell will come to please you so much that you actively seek smaller ways to elicit his grand displays of hostility or to get a break from them by eliciting his silent treatments.

Never forget that YOU are the one in control, the one who pushes his buttons, the one who causes all the problems in your relationship and in his poor heart. You should feel good about all of this, you know, you’re getting everything you want. He’s an innocent bystander to your evil attempts to love and respect him.

You can also find Kellie Jo Holly on, Facebook and Twitter.

APA Reference
Jo, K. (2011, February 10). How to Get Revenge on Your Abuser by Making Him Feel Like You Do, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, June 24 from

Author: Kellie Jo Holly

February, 3 2022 at 10:50 pm

This is the most dead-on replay of 'a day in the life," I've EVER seen. Honestly, I struggle to describe this $%# to friends, even the guy who does it.. but I can't capture the krazy. THANK you for breaking down the can't win /circular nonsense we know waaaaay too well.

August, 11 2021 at 1:42 am

Hi, im 13. n my dad keeps saying negative stuff about me.
he keeps saying im stupid n i dont think at all yet im a straight A student i dont get it.
like for real he keeps saying im jinxe n all but did i do . i swear im always on my best behavoiur bt every single time im always the one that gets it im always
he keeps threatening 2 beat me up 2 a pulp

August, 11 2021 at 1:39 pm

Hello Daphine, I am the author of the Verbal Abuse in Relationships blog here at HealthyPlace. I am glad you found the courage to reach out and talk about your situation. It does not sound like your dad understands how hurtful his words and actions have been on you. You should not have to face any form of abuse, even from someone close to you. I encourage you to reach out to one of our resources here:… and they can direct you to a local support office that can get you and your dad the assistance you both need to heal and move forward from this behavior. Be well.

June, 19 2021 at 12:10 pm

I have so much anger and hate for my abuser that still tries to contact me and play their manipulative emotional games. I have controlled myself but feel like let out my anger and hate towards them and destroy them.

January, 29 2021 at 3:12 pm

You pinpointed it, i felt so appreciated reading this. I had now idea other people in the world understood these feelings are situations. You pinpointed everything perfectly, i felt human again. This article has done an amazing thing. Thank you for saving us

June, 10 2018 at 9:17 pm

Hey I have a brother who abuse me everyday and my parents are sick and tired of the two us and won't do anything to stop him from beating me with a broom stick so I need help I want revenge .

October, 18 2017 at 9:21 am

This is an incredibly asinine and irrational article. These little mindgames that you propose do not accomplish anything, rather they only make you look weak and pusillanimous. Confront the individual who is causing you grief. Better yet, just leave.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

October, 17 2018 at 11:37 pm

How, exactly, do you “confront” an abuser when he is the very thing you fear? You can’t get away, you can’t call the cops because “he didn’t hit you, therefore nothing happened”, and the society holds up men regardless of whether or not they might be an abuser, rapist, misogynist, etc.

June, 10 2012 at 5:53 am

@Bess - I never truly understood the impact silent treatment (abuse) can have on a person until that was all I got from my soon-to-be ex-Husband.
Silent Treatment - is a method of showing disagreement/unhappiness/distaste/anger without words. Your silence/ body language/ behaviour alerts others to feeling/realising that "something's wrong" usually used by spouses to alert/correct/punish spouse/children for inappropriate behaviour. It results in spouses talking about what bothers them and hopefully working things out.
An abuser uses this more as a weapon to control you, manipulate and control situations. They get angry/irritated with you but instead of saying something, letting you know through verbal anger or even physical violence they instead ignore you, go silent/play silent for hours/ withdraw any emotional/physical affection from you until you "apologise" for whatever offended them. The fact is you can't win and there is no fight until they have an abusive outburst where they say "don't you know what you did!!" then they might eventually tell you what you did to upset "Wrong" them.
It is more effective and confusing than (verbal abuse) when words are used. Your (Victim) forever second-guessing your own actions, imagining each consequence, walking on egg-shells before you say, do or even ask the abuser anything on a daily basis. It is the best form of Mental (Psychological) Abuse/Torture.

June, 10 2012 at 5:27 am

Narcissism + Mysogyny (directed only to wife) - Bad combination. Gonna be looking it up more. My whole 3 years of marriage was based on things like the above example where you can never do anything according to his needs/wants/desires which were forever changing.

February, 15 2011 at 8:38 am

Just read what u wrote ab. yr hubby telling u he had a late lunch and did not want any dinner and then when it was fixed for the kids, he wants to
know where HIS is. Wow, I was w/ a man just like that and did research
(online thru googling his behavior)and found out he is what is called a
mysogynist...look it up. Look up "characteristics of mysogyny"as well.
It will help u see what probably is going on w/ him. My as-hole kept
telling me I was doing everything wrong. I was obviously sitting,eating,
wearing the wrong clothes, dealing w/ our child the wrong way ect..u name
it. I eventually learned that when he did not get his way or was frustrated
w/ me he would pick things up off of floor/table and throw them as hard
as he could into a throwing a fast ball. He would do this as well
infront of our child who was younger than 3 at the time and thats when I
knew I had to get away from him. He NEVER hit me but the throwing thing
was bad enough. A mysogynist is a man who has an irrational deep fear
of all women. He lets women into his world and then panics bec. he thinks
that women will try and mess his life up somehow or take over or something. Its crazy!! So he goes ab. finding ways to control the woman first so she can not destroy him..nutty. Talking down to her, making her feel inadequate, like she's messing everything up ect. when really she is NOT. Blaming her for things that go wrong all the time ect..making her feel really bad anyway he can...if u go and google mysogyny like I say u will
see more on it.. the only cure is to get the f-- away from him..hope we
can chat as well. That would be nice.. Christal Bailey

February, 14 2011 at 4:22 am

How the heck to you get a silent treatment? I would love to know.

February, 13 2011 at 10:22 pm

@ Todd very courageous of you to leave the reply that you did here. I congratulate you and hope that there are more like you who will read this and get the wake-up call that they may need to begin a positive change in their lives.

February, 13 2011 at 12:38 pm

I like "fix him dinner". All I have to do is eat without him and I pay the price. This week he asked, should I go outside and work on the fence? I said no, dinner will be ready in 5 minutes. He went out to work anyway, came back in an hour later and was pissed that the kids and I ate without him! Tonight I asked what he would like for dinner...he said "nothing", we had a late lunch and he would be okay. So I made dinner for the kids, and when they came to eat it...he came too and said, where's mine? I said oh I'm so sorry! Here I'll get you some, and he says, No thanks, in a nasty voice, I'll be fine and storms out of the room.
Is this gaslighting? Or just abuse? Or am I the crazy one? =(

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kellie Holly
February, 14 2011 at 1:29 am

You are very clear on what happened, Kelly. He is irrational, not you. He is exhibiting "crazy" behavior, not you. Your mate is using abusive anger - a made up anger that has no basis in reality or rational emotion - to keep you disoriented. It causes you to question yourself instead of him ("Or am I the crazy one?"). My ex peppered our every day lives with this type of anger. It served to keep me apprehensive, not able to trust what he told me, and always doing double work just in case he changed his mind (among other thoughts and emotions!).
You are easier to control when you're feeling sad, disoriented, and small. Abusive anger can be used as an effective training device from the abuser's stand-point. It takes NO energy on his part to simply reverse his position on any topic in order to act self-righteously angry. He's keeping the stage set for when he really feels like letting you have it. Whether this is a subconscious or conscious act doesn't matter. The effect of his behavior hurts.

February, 10 2011 at 1:56 am

As hard it is me to say this but what a ASS I can be! I'm blessed to see and have that awarness now, it takes time and dedication and work to get to a point to pull the mask off to be honest with yourself!

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