Depression Can Drain You Of Your Will To Live

I feel like I want to hurt myself. I don't want to die. I just want to ease the emotional pain.

22 months ago I lost one of the loves of my life, my sweet little boy hung himself at the age of twelve. Afterwards I was diagnosed with BPD. Every day since I deal with my depression. My wife lost her job and got a new one a year later at half the salary. She is the sole breadwinner and now we have no savings and broke as can be. We will be forced to declare bk. I go to bed at night hoping that I won't wake up. We also have to other children. I'm sure they sense something wrong with Dad. I am depressed and want to die. I just cannot hurt them so bad but I am suicidal on a daily basis and do take meds to keep me off the cliff.

Dear Jill,
I'm sorry that you're going through all of that. I hope that you get the help and support that you need.
- Jenn

I turned 40 years old yesterday . I have no will to live . I lost my husband the love of my life 16 months ago . He was my life for 18 years . He took me to work one morning and never came to pick me up after work because he passed away . I am the time was my grandmothers caregiver for 4 years . After my husband passed away I could barely care for my grandmother with Stage 5 Alzheimer's Disease and she was placed in a nursing facility 3 1/2 months later . They were my life when I woke up to when I slept . I am now homeless living in the vehicle , everything has been stolen , most people quit speaking to me . My job of 17 years is slowly fading away and I see me getting laid off within a year . Bills are stacked up so high I have to decide who gets their money first . I wish God would call me home soon because I cannot take this anymore .

I have no will, husband dying, no money, house in foreclosure, cannot get work. Have pawned wedding bands, ele will be cut off on Mon., no more credit cards, no more savings, 401K, 7 years of this, no vacations, no dinners out, no holidays, no fun. NO HOPE> I pray to die, every night. God hates me.

From the time I was a little girl until I started taking antidepressants in 1998, never a day went by that I did not think about killing myself. The most serious was the day I thought about driving my car into a bridge abutment. I didn't do it is because my girls were ages 2 and 6. How could I do that to them? Antidepressants totally changed my life. I no longer felt the deep despair and emptiness. I am a different person now: I have confidence, I feel loved, I feel like I have control over my life.
When I read the FB entry about the bravest thing you ever did was continuing your life when you wanted to die, my stomach spiraled in complete understanding.
However, when I read your

Coming up eight years since my 16 year old son died by suicide. Didn't understand depression. Do now, grief showed me what it is. I still struggle and wait for the day to find my boy but I will wait. I beat you depression. I have and will survive. I can't let you win. My other children need their mum to. You took my son, I hate you.

Thank you. This is beautifully written, and is such good advice. It is good to have a refresher from someone who truly knows. Im so glad you are still here too.

hi Liana
i have struggled with depression since a nasty break up with a man i thought i was deeply in love with. He was a narcissistic, bi-polar mess. he took me on the roller coaster and the merry go round. when i finally got off the rides, i realized i was majorly depressed. i had never been depressed a day in my life. i thought "this too shall pass"... it never did. a few years later my mom ( who i was very close to ) was diagnosed with cancer. that really spiraled me down. i drank and drugged to numb myself. i moved with my job (travel nurse) to many locations trying to outrun the sadness, but it only followed. after my mom passed, i really hit bottom and got arrested several times for DUI's, domestic disputes... i never had kids (thank God). so i never felt i belonged to a family after my mom died. i have finally put down the drugs and alcohol so i could feel reality and it's a struggle every day. i am back on the upswing after nearly losing my nursing license due to my criminal background. i just wanted to share and say thank you for your article. it is the "one things" that keep me going. if i committed suicide, it would hurt my sister so bad and i couldn't do that to her. <3

I separated from my partner six months ago, lost my job two weeks ago, my girls left home, and I have GID. Hard to find even one single reason to live.

I'm all alone in my mind,in my heart and soul. One day at a time.

Just reading your article made me feel a lot better. Finding one thing is finding life. Every day above ground is a good day. And I look forward to the challenges of each day. Becoming a fighter and staying strong. I'm telling myself 'BRING IT ON WORLD I'm not going anywhere and I'm not running. I won't self destruct and I won't let what other's do or say destroy me. I'm strong and will remain that way until GOD and only GOD see's fit to take me out of here. Not and never by my own hands. Love yourself first. You are the greatest thing since slice cheese and believing that you are and telling your self that goes a long way... Hold your head up high and your spirits even higher. Every day is a new beginning Believe it and make it so...

I've been depressed for as long as I can remember. No one understands unless they have it them selves....even the Drs don't get it.I've had ETC, brain stimulation and I have The fisher Wallace "zapper". Because of all this , my memory is soo bad I can't even keep a cashier job. I put myself in the hospital 2 years ago...don't remember any of it.I went there because I want to live but I thought I couldn't because of my feelings. Right now the medication is keeping me stable but I am scared to death when the meds stop working, and I know they will. This stuff sucks!It's a very horrible disease but so many people think it's bullshit. They're so lucky they don't understand it.

I have the urge to end it all often and to ashamed to say anything to anybody. I had a wife who was a psychiatric nurse. she says I have bpd. It runs in my family. My ex-wife divorced me because I took to the drink when I lost my life savings in a bad choice and I didn't give her the attention she needed. I'm alone now and trying to find that "just one thing". She wants to be friends but it hurts to much for me. I live with guilt and shame but still seem to have some common sense. I think I need to accept that I have BPD and get help for it. Thank You for this site!!!

I have depression & anxiety for years. I have BPD. Im feelinf donw today fvarious legitamate reasons. A lot of times I cant wait till the day is over. For a year now iv'e craved getting high to feel good even if its temporary.. I would do this at night if I had the resources to get anything.. oxycodone, hydrocodone is my happy pills. I dont drink. Im also a self harmer. I really dont have anyone besides a therapist & 2 friends I can talk about this stuff with. Im also still grieving the loss of my dad summer 2011. He was the last of my family.. mother, brother gone too. Just my daughter & myself. She also has mental illness, but is in a home that can take care of her. Yesterday was a good day.. hard to come by, hope to have many more one day. Never felt sooo alone since loss of family. A couple nights ago I felt the bad urge to cut my self. Sorry, guess I've said enough here. Good luck to yall.

I am a single Mother/ Both My children have been given a mental Illness Label Of each there own issues. Son 17 (he lives outside my home)anger issues.
My daughter 14 yrs of age just recently was hospitalized and has severe anxiety. an eating disorder, depression. Its so hard to help them as I myself was Dignosed with bi-bipolar.
I am holding in there but when its gets bleak and dark. They are the light at my tunnel.

I have been battling depression most of my life.I have had many treatments including ect and it did help.I have noticed that now that am an older female with grownup children and no partner,I feel that I have very little to offer.I can' go back to be young again and do the things I always dreamed of doing.I believe that my life is over as a vital contributing member of society. I feel drained and have no emotion.I would love to feel again.

That one thing would be my 90 year old mother. Throughout my life she has been my rock, and even though now she has mild dementia and I can't lean on her like I used too she is still there for me to look at her beautiful face. I am only 50 and I know she won't be around forever, but she will always be in my heart.

when depression hits me, I have no self esteem, want to end my life...I pray... thank God that I have a roof of my shoulder and fortunate that I am still here.

I have been to that place where I have come so close, and have even taken an od, not knowing or caring if I ever wake up again. Besides battling bi-polar depression, ptsd, anxiety,@&the last 2 years,-breast cancer, it's getting more difficult to find that"one thing." I do love my family and few friends,who have been there for me, but I m so very tire of the constant struggle, with no future in sight. My Dr has suggested ect treatments, but they offer no hope to me. Maybe it's just my time? I'm more afraid to live than I am to die.

Need that I feel like death is the answer and I then remember my kids. What I'm afraid of is one day them not being enough. I have always been sad but I would hide it by helping others. Until last June I did good then I broke and found out my husband of 19 years and 3 wonderful children was living with someone while off working. It has knocked me so far down and shattered me. This is a man that I almost lost 2 times to a wreck and having to have pacemaker put in at 33. And I lost him to cheating. I never left his side in either and I still am waiting to be enough and him ce home. He reason I spent to much and didn't save. I feel I have no family except my kids BC I have shut everyone out. All they say is u deserve better and it will get better. They don't grasp how I feel how deep I love him. I would die for him or my kids. My life is meant only to protect and serve God my husband and my kids. So what use am I now!

This is where I have been at for the last two days following a brief manic episode. I really crashed hard. Feeling better this morning. I think I am rapid cycling. I like this coping skill from CBT. I incorporated that "one thing" into my computer and facebook password so that I am constantly reminded of it throughout the day. It really helps.

"Just one thing" is what I focus on. Sometimes I even find it hard to find. This one thing can seem impossible

I do try to come up with a reason every day. My four year old granddaughter, my dogs, my amazing husband and children. I volunteer. I fight it every day, even if it's just getting up to let the dogs out.monce I start, I can keep going, and I've learned to be happy with just one thing some days. Better than not doing anything :)

What if you can't find that one thing?????

I suffer from deep depression.
It comes in waves of guilt and regret
The only light for me is my children
I'm only 31 but feel 70.
Hopefully the light will be strong enough

I love this. This is article is my 'just one more thing today" . Thank you.

The grief it would cause my family has long been my reason to want to live when I would otherwise gladly close my eyes and never wake up again. My depression is mostly seasonal since I hit my thirties. The twenties were a lot harder. Anxiety and guilt over my depression are an added kicker, especially watching my kids struggle with the same problems, and during long trying winters like this. Medication for both is the only way I made it through this winter!

My family is my "just one thing", I haven't seen them in 21 years, but will in May. I'm hoping to find that spark that will remind me on my dark days that I am loved. Until then, and even after my visit, I'm working on my physical healthand my mental health, the biggest rewards are the ones II've worked for.

I suffer with depression and I see a thrapist every week,as I told her my weakness and depression comes from a unsuccessful marriage and I found myself on a down spiral, when I feel like I am at the bottom I think of mt son,I have two other children,but it seems like my son and I have been through the most since he was born. He's 21 now,but he keeps me going,I talk with God a lot,but sometimes I need the physical to get through sometimes from day to day.Is there something I can do to appreciate more of me,instead of seeking out others for the campionship that I am needing.